I have been on a ravenous fast food habit lately. The discarded evidence of wrappers and greasy cardboard boxes are lodged between sofa cushions or in the backseat of my car. Similar to Dexter and his glass slides, my uneaten misdeeds are hidden amongst the bacon jams and jars of homemade mostardas in the fridge.

Like corpses strewn about and disposed at night, I am secretly throwing out oily stained bags in my garbage can by moonlight for the garbage men to take away in the morning. However, the only victim here is me and, yes, my arteries are loving every suffocating moment. On my way home from work I decided to go to my usual hunting grounds.

And then I found it in the midst of dusk time rush hour traffic… I FREAKING FOUND IT.

The McDonald’s Strawberry & Créme Pie.

I was salivating at the new find and my tongue had the equivalent of an erection when I read the sign again. Akin to a criminal hoping to not get caught by their probation officer, I did a quick sweep to make sure my cardiologist was not around. He would not be happy considering my blood pressure was ranking higher than the weight of that girl who played Precious.

Double Quarter Pounder with cheese be damned, Poppa is going to have himself a creampie courtesy of the clown with red hair. I went directly to the drive-thru and turned off the radio so I could hear myself breathe heavily. My mind was filled with shrill screams and agonizing yelps of madness.

Fumbling for change or a few wrinkled dollar bills, I slowly forgot the day’s events where my client stupidly admitted to punching his wife in the eye during trial. I forgot that my devoted Alabaman wife asked me to pick up some grits for “supper” (I hate that word). I forgot everything because all I cared about was sinking my teeth into that oddly shaped McDonald’s pie that would spurt cream and strawberries in my goddamned mouth.

I clutched the bag after being handed it through that small window. The aroma wafting in my car was pronounced as the entire inside smelled of baked sugary strawberries mixed with the scent of deep fried egg roll skins. McDonald’s pies have that secondary odor that reminds you that this is not the pie that your Grandma bakes. For the record my Grandmother never baked pies, she would make me bitter ginseng soup or salty 1,000 year old preserved duck eggs in congee. Yeah, the Chinese aren’t known for desserts.

Wrapped in a brown box, adorned with the image of a chef’s hat and rolling pin evoked a laugh instead of images of a pastry chef elegantly working dough on a wooden block. Branded on the box was “Signature Pies” and true to its title, McDonald’s pies have that signature rectangular shape. I’m lovin’ it.

The crust was warm, crisp, buttery, and flaky. The best part was the crystal flecks of sugar baked into the shell. I’m sorry but I know we are sometimes nostalgic for that heavenly pie Agent Cooper rambles on about in aimless episodes of Twin Peaks but a McDonald’s pie to me is just as homey.

The sugary texture of the thin crust seductively gives way to the Strawberry & Créme. I should point out that the cream is spelled créme which probably means it is alien from any dairy. Maybe not, but I cannot find the ingredients anywhere. Who cares because I would scoop this stuff out and drizzle it on a chocolate brownie.

The baked pie is scored down the middle to show off its insides filled with Strawberry & Créme. The cream part tasted like Cool Whip. The strawberry syrup, with sweet delicious uneven chunks, is similar to what the ice cream man would drop on a soft serve sundae.

Yes, it is artificial tasting but sometimes fake works. We’re not at McDonald’s for something to remind of us Sunday mornings, we’re there for something to stave off hangovers or revenge eating from forced salads and wheatgrass juices.

The slightly gluey créme had a nice slight vanilla flavor which was a tasty contrast to the sweet strawberry filling. Eaten alone, it would be a cloying pudding mess but that buttery crust makes this thing work. There are real chunks of strawberries because some of the tinky seeds got stuck in my teeth as I was making a right turn towards the exit on the crowded freeway.

It’s too bad this is a limited edition because I want to buy this all year long. One word of caution, do not eat this cold. The pie gets gummy and clunky. It will sit in your stomach and remind you that you ate something particularly evil. Agent Cooper, maybe some pies after they die do go to heaven… but I think the bad ones go to McDonald’s and taste better.

(Nutrition Facts – one pie – 290 calories, 17 grams of fat, 10 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 150 milligrams of sodium, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 32 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 13 grams of sugars, and 3 grams of protein.)

Item: McDonald’s Strawberry & Créme Pie
Price: 95 cents
Size: N/A
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: That crisp sugary and buttery thin crust. Cream or créme, it’s creamy goodness. Real chunks of strawberries. Kyle MacLachlan before he was in Showgirls. Mostarda.
Cons: Gummy and clunky if it gets cold. It is a limited product. The words “supper” or “ornery”. Dated references to a show twenty years old. Hydralazine pills.