REVIEW: Ben & Jerry’s Limited Batch Banana Cream Pie

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Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream Banana Cream Pie

When you do a search for something you think is innocuous like “cream pie” and Google Instant suddenly disappears, you know you’re about to learn about something you probably didn’t want to know.

When you do a search for “banana cream pie jokes” and it gets even worse, you just want to give up.

So let’s start over.

Awful sexual terms aside, when I think about cream pies, I think clowns. I think Stooges. I think classic comedy. The pie in the face is right up there with the banana peel on the ground. And this new Ben & Jerry’s Banana Cream Pie ice cream has cream pie and bananas!

While it may be tempting, please do not attempt to use a pint of this ice cream to hit somebody in the face. It will probably not be funny. Also, setting it on the ground will probably not result in a pratfall; whoever you’re trying to prank will probably just wonder why a perfectly good carton of ice cream is sitting on the ground, getting all melty. Also not funny.

Banana Cream Pie is an “Exclusive Batch”, which means it’s only available at Walmart. Which means I had to go to Walmart. The things I do for you TIB readers. It’s not even listed on the Ben & Jerry’s website, so you can sneak out to your local Walmart, pick up a pint, and be the envy of all your neighbors.

“Hey, I’ve never seen that Ben & Jerry’s flavor before!” They’ll say. “Where did you get it?” Then you can look all smug and tell them you’ve got secret ice cream connections. They’ll be so impressed. Also, your neighbors are fucking weird and you should really think about moving. Or, as the cow that just got pied in the face on the front of the B&J’s carton would say, “moooving”.

I’m sorry. In my defense, Ben & Jerry themselves say on the carton, “If you’re a fan of Banana Cream Pie, you’ll love the in-your-face taste of Banana Cream Pie ice cream.” Yes, that’s right. In your face. The puns, they just can’t be helped. You could say they are punstoppable. Someone help me.

Anyways, the official description of Ben & Jerry’s Banana Cream Pie is “banana ice cream with pastry cream swirls, marshmallow swirls & pie crust pieces”.

Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream Banana Cream Pie Closeup

Well, that sounds like a pretty close approximation to a deconstructed banana cream pie. Unfortunately, to me it tasted more “fallen apart” than “deconstructed”. I thought the banana flavor tasted a little artificial, but a quick look at the ingredients revealed that real bananas are used, which makes me wonder if some of the other ingredients tricked my taste buds.

There was a pleasant and authentic pie crust flavor, but there weren’t big chunks like I expected. Instead, it was more of a grainy texture, like the crust had been completely pulverized before being added to the ice cream.

As for the marshmallow and pastry cream swirls, well, I could see swirls, but they looked darker than marshmallows or pastry cream. In fact, they looked more like banana swirls than anything. If I tried really hard, I could taste a bit of marshmallow, but the pastry cream flavor was nowhere to be found, even if I closed my eyes and pretended real hard.

Ben & Jerry’s usually delivers on their flavors – even the wacky ones – but I feel as though they missed the mark on Banana Cream Pie. Without the marshmallow and pastry cream flavors, you’re left with banana ice cream that has some grainy pie crust flavor to it. I love B&J and their constant stream of new flavors, so I won’t threaten to chuck a carton of this ice cream at them. Perhaps if I hit them in the face with a real banana cream pie, they would understand what this ice cream should have tasted like.

(Nutrition Facts — 1/2 cup — 260 calories, 110 calories from fat, 12 grams of total fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 65 milligrams of cholesterol, 100 milligrams of sodium, 34 grams of total carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 24 grams of sugar, 4 grams of protein, 8% vitamin A, 10% calcium and 2% iron.)

Item: Ben & Jerry’s Limited Batch Banana Cream Pie
Price: $3.25
Size: 1 pint
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Real bananas used. Classic pie-in-the-face joke. Pie crust was tasty and authentic. Classic banana-peel-on-the-ground joke. Tiny hint of marshmallow did taste good.
Cons: No pastry cream taste and barely any marshmallow. Learning from Google that “cream pie” is not an innocent search term. Pie crust was grainy instead of chunky. Clowns. Bananas tasted somewhat artificial even though they weren’t.

REVIEW: G.H. Cretors Popped Corn (Kettle Corn and Chicago Mix)

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GH Cretors Kettle Corn and Chicago Mix

Bounce. The Air Up There. In Love and War. Blue Streak. What do all of these films have in common? There were all hideously terrible movies that I saw in a movie theater, and they all were made much, much more tolerable with the addition of popcorn.

I love popcorn. Love it. So salty and buttery. I’ll pop it at home in the microwave. I’ll eat prepackaged bags of it. And I’ll lick my fingers raw to get those last delicious remnants of that glorious yellow syrup provided by movie theaters everywhere. The self-serve butter station at movie theaters was the greatest thing to happen to movies since movie. There’s nothing better than sitting down to the latest Bret Ratner abomination with a bucket of Cherry Coke and what Stephen King refers to as a “heavy bag.” Popcorn so loaded with butter it might as well be classified as a soup.

One area of popcornery that I am constantly neglectful of is kettle corn. I like kettle corn, but I never eat it. I don’t know why. It has just never been able to find a permanent spot in my mental filofax of snack options.

Really. I only ever encounter the stuff at flea markets and fairs, and let’s be honest, kettle corn can’t really compete with corn dogs and deep fried Oreos. It just can’t.

This week, I had a few bags sent to me by G.H. Cretors, and as my deep fryer is currently on the fritz, I was able to give the popcorn my full attention.

G.H. Cretors has a history in popcorn dating back to 1885, and currently has five popcorn products up for consumption: Caramel Corn, Kettle Corn, Cheese Corn, Caramel Nut Crunch, and Chicago Mix (a combination of Cheese and Caramel corns). Their products are all natural, non-GMO, and Kosher, if you care about those things.

I got to sample some Kettle Corn and some of the Chicago Mix.

GH Cretors Kettle Corn Closeup

The Kettle Corn was great. The sweetness level is light and in excellent balance with the sea salt, and the sugary shellac provides a pleasant crispness. If you like kettle corn, this is it. I had to wrestle the bag away from my wife. She was going at it full DeLuise.

As a man of science, I took to the bag of Chicago Mix a little more methodically. First, I separated the Cheese from the Caramel and sampled them individually.

GH Cretors Chicago Mix Cheese Closeup

The cheese corn was a solid effort, but I didn’t find it much different than any other cheese powder-coated popcorn product. It was cheesy and salty. What else would it be?

GH Cretors Chicago Mix Caramel Closeup

The caramel popcorn was also good on its own. The caramel coating was indeed nicely caramel-y. It was appropriately sweet and offered a great crunch, though nothing teeth-jarring. But again pretty similar to most caramel corns.

GH Cretors Chicago Mix Closeup

Trying them in equal parts together didn’t really do it for me. It ended up being a nebulous mash of indistinct flavors, mostly dominated by the caramel. That seems scientifically predictable as the caramel coating is denser than the cheese coating. Right? Seems reasonable. Given a choice, I’d just buy the flavors individually.

Obviously G.H. Cretors earns bonus points for being all natural and not using mutant corn. No one wants to stare at a list of impossible to pronounce ingredients when they are about to sit down for a delightful home cinema experience. I don’t think the Chicago Mix will take away all of the pain of a Trapped in Paradise or a Penelope Cruz, but the Kettle Corn will definitely get you through any scene with Salma Hayak.

(Editor’s Note/Disclaimer: We received these G.H. Cretors Popped Corn samples for free from the PR company that represents this popcorn maker.)

(Nutrition Facts – 1 1/4 cups (28g) – Kettle Korn – 130 calories, 7 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 210 milligrams of sodium, 18 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 6 gram of sugar, and 2 grams of protein. Chicago Mix – 140 calories, 8 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 220 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, 1 grams of fiber, 10 gram of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.)

Other G.H. Cretors Popped Corn reviews:
Read Food Traveler
Buttermilk Press

Item: G.H. Cretors Popped Corn (Kettle Corn and Chicago Mix)

Price: FREE

Size: 7 oz. (Kettle Corn)

Size: 6.5 oz. (Chicago Mix)

Purchased at: Received for free from G.H. Cretors

Rating: 8 out of 10 (Kettle Corn)

Rating: 7 out of 10 (Chicago Mix)

Pros: All natural. Non-GMO. Kosher. Great salty/sweet balance in Kettle Corn. Available outside of dirt malls. Kevin Bacon playing basketball with African tribes. Science. Classy old timey package design.

Cons: Unnecessary flavor mixing in Chicago Mix. Martin Lawrence. Salma Hayek.

REVIEW: Food Should Taste Good Hemp Tortilla Chips

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Food Should Taste Good Hemp Tortilla Chips

I just skimmed the Wikipedia entry about hemp and now I feel bad about eating these Food Should Taste Good Hemp Tortilla Chips.

The hemp seeds used to make these chips could’ve been used to grow more hemp plants, which in turn could’ve been used to make hemp clothing someone could’ve worn, hempcrete to build someone’s home, or hemp plastic to be used in a car.

Those hemp seeds I ate could’ve been turned into something significant and long lasting. Instead, their short, meaningless existence consisted of me eating them and then pooping them out.

From now on, I’m gonna stick to eating potato chips because what other uses for potatoes has society come up with? Powering some kid’s lame science fair project? Ammunition for a spud gun? Yeah, I don’t feel so bad about eating potato chips.

The Food Should Taste Good Hemp Tortilla Chips are made using only five ingredients: organic blue corn, high oleic sunflower and/or safflower oil, hemp seeds, corn bran, and sea salt. If you examine the chips, you can see the hemp seeds in them. The chips are a color that I like to call plastic army men green (although at some angles they looks brown) and they’re also a list of things that make it sound like the Holy Grail for Whole Foods shoppers. They’re certified vegan, certified gluten free, MSG free, not made from genetically modified ingredients, all natural, and they don’t contain artificial colors, flavors or preservatives.

I should note that I’ve never tasted hemp seeds before. Sure, I’ve been the driver of a car whose other passenger were puff-puff-passing their way through some weak ass weed, but I don’t know if second-hand weed smoke could be considered consumption of a cannabis plant. But, thankfully, the Google algorithm helped me learn hemp seeds have a nutty flavor.

Food Should Taste Good Hemp Tortilla Chips Closeup

The Food Should Taste Good Hemp Tortilla Chips are the size of Doritos and are a little thicker than Tostitos. At first, the hemp tortilla chips taste like normal tortilla chips, although a little bit better than Tostitos, but the hemp seed’s nuttiness eventually shows itself, although the level of nuttiness is more along the lines of a nip slip than full-frontal nudity. So if you gave these to an unsuspecting person they will probably think these are just some weird colored, but regular tasting tortilla chips.

While skimming through the Wikipedia entry about hemp, I also learned it’s a good source of omega-3 fatty acids and protein. The Food Should Taste Good Hemp Tortilla Chip’s nutrition facts say a serving of these chips provide 3 grams of protein, but the amount of omega-3 fatty acids isn’t listed anywhere. There isn’t even a ribbon or banner on the front of the packaging that says it’s a good or excellent source of omega-3 like there are on packages of salmon and some granola bars.

Room on the front of the package isn’t a problem. Look at all that white space.

I hope I’m getting some omega-3s from these Food Should Taste Good Hemp Tortilla Chips, because if I’m not getting any, I’m going to feel worse about eating them, even though they are some tasty chips. I already feel like I wasted the hemp seeds that went through my digestive system. They could’ve been used to create a hemp biofuel to fuel a hemp plastic car being driven by a person wearing hemp clothing to his or her house made from hempcrete.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 ounce/about 12 chips – 140 calories, 70 calories from fat, 7 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 80 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 0 grams of sugar, and 3 grams of protein.)

Item: Food Should Taste Good Hemp Tortilla Chips
Price: $3.69
Size: 5.5 ounces
Purchased at: Whole Foods
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tasty. Certified vegan, certified gluten free, no MSG, not made from genetically modified ingredients, all natural, and they don’t contain artificial colors, flavors or preservatives. It’s frickin’ made with hemp. All the uses for hemp. Low sodium.
Cons: Needs to come in a bigger bag. Hemp flavor could’ve been stronger. Not sure if it provides omega-3. The hemp seeds I ate could’ve been used for better purposes.

REVIEW: Subway Smokehouse BBQ Chicken Sub

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Subway Smokehouse BBQ Chicken

I have good news and I have bad news when it comes to Subway’s new Smokehouse BBQ Chicken sandwich. The good news is that’s it’s significantly better than just smearing BBQ sauce over Subway’s “Oven Roasted” Chicken. The bad news is that you may very well incur the wrath of an esteemed sandwich “artist” in ordering one.

If the guy smoking freshly-killed chicken with Applewood out back in his shack in the North Carolina woods is the Rembrandt of the barbecue universe, then I suppose we should extend the metaphor and proclaim Subway’s very own “artists” as the equivalent of first graders during arts and crafts time.

I knew the sandwich was new and expected some kinks going in, but the look of befuddlement I received when asking for the sandwich (despite, I should add, several prominent displays in the windows for it) was enough to make me wonder if my artist had even brought her brushes to work. That she continued to refer to the meat as “pork” and asked me if I wanted cheese with it made me question if it wasn’t “switch place with your spouse at work day,” but the real kicker was when she proceeded to grow noticeably angry at my polite insistence that she construct this masterpiece to include whatever the picture called for.
 
Clearly, I must not understand tasteful art.
 
But I do understand barbecue, and when it comes to something you can order at a suburban fast food restaurant, this is about the high point. Obviously that’s not saying a lot should you live south of the Mason-Dixon Line, but who are we kidding, this is a Subway review. The chicken itself is an admirable stab at smoked and pulled chicken. Despite coming from one of those dreaded pre-portioned containers held in a refrigerator, it manages to convey a certain less-than-cloying sweetness with an unexpected lightness of acidity and tang of apple cider vinegar.

Subway Smokehouse BBQ Chicken Innards

The shredded chicken has a mild spice and hint of smoke flavor, which, I’m almost 100 percent certain, was conveyed in the meat and not just the sauce. The meat avoids any fatty strings or cartilage, and has a succulent taste about it which could pass for the kind of really solid imitation pulled chicken BBQ your Weight Watchers Aunt (or Charles Barkley) makes in the slow cooker. Above all, it’s a step up from Subway’s floppy Oven Roasted Chicken, which, even with barbecue sauce, mostly just tastes like rib meat and salt.

Subway Smokehouse BBQ Chicken Next To Oven Roasted Chicken with BBQ

That said, the portion is meager and looks nothing like the advertisement. Crunch (like slaw) is needed on top, while a potato bread base could go a long way to imitate the authentic barbecue experience. Some shaggy interior decorating and southern rock music wouldn’t hurt to inspire the faux atmosphere either, although something tells me that may clash with the artist process.

Subway Smokehouse BBQ Chicken Portion

If you prefer chicken to beef, have exactly four dollars (plus tax) to spend, and decline to dine outside the confines of fast food restaurants, I can see this being a frequent purchase. If, however, you happen to just be some schmuck who’s running late for work and falls victim to unrealistic advertisements (like me), then I would suggest passing. That is, unless you insist on some finger painting and stick figure drawing, for which I’m sure your sandwich artist would be happy to provide on your complimentary napkin.

(Nutrition Facts – 6-inch sandwich – 380 calories, 60 calories from fat, 6 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 950 milligrams of sodium, 57 grams of carbohydrates, 5 gram of fiber, 8 grams of sugar, and 32 grams of protein.)

Item: Subway Smokehouse BBQ Chicken Sub
Price: $4.00 (6-inch)
Size: 6-inch
Purchased at: Subway
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Chicken gets good BBQ sauce coverage and has a nice smokey-sweet flavor. Not too salty. Better than Oven Roasted Chicken. 32 grams protein (allegedly). Fingerpainting.
Cons: Getting yelled at by a sandwich artist. Holding up the line at Subway. Too little meat. Needs crunch. Bring your own Skynyrd. Admitting I don’t dislike healthy crock pot “BBQ” chicken.

REVIEW: Snickers 3X Chocolate Bar

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Snickers 3X Chocolate Bar

Somebody or something must have pissed off the person who created the packaging for Snickers 3X Chocolate. I imagine this individual must have found out that he is the victim of an adulterous relationship involving a baboon infected with Ebola, he lost his music library because the hard drive crashed and his DVR taped Housewives of Karadashianville instead of the latest Parks and Recreation all on the same day. How else to explain it?

This wrapper is more obnoxious than that Mad Money bald guy on CNBC that just screams at me for how stupid I am for not buying low and selling high. I admit it. I am stupid for not buying Apple stock!!! Are you happy? I know I’m a disappointment to my family. Yes, it’s called self-medication, I prefer it to self-flagellation!!

(Swallows some Johnnie Walker Double Black)

Snickers 3X Chocolate Save for Later

First, the package is a hideous blue with “Snickers 3X Chocolate” in a bold logo. Next to the words is “2 TO GO” in a red stripe that leads you to the words “Twist to close”. Before I can even open the damn thing, the package reminds me, or rather scolds “Save One for Later”. Eff you stupidhead, I’m gonna eat both.

In the rare times when I want a candy bar, I definitely do not want one that nags the piss out of me. Geeze, my ego can only take so much before I feel insecure and turn to a rerun of the “Facts of Life” for comfort.

Speaking of comfort, I walked into my usual convenience store. I was hoping to find those fabled 7-Eleven banh mi sandwiches a few of my friends have run into there. If Vietnamese sandwiches from a gas station sound disgusting, they probably are. Anyone who has scarfed down a Cuban breakfast grill sandwich from this place knows what hell they are bringing themselves to.

Looking in vain, I sadly went down the candy aisle toward the exit. Then a blue candy bar caught my attention. How can it not with all of its obnoxious writing? Snickers 3X Chocolate?! As humans we sure love numbers: twice as hard, five times likely, a guaranteed three times the increase, twenty five-hundred times the absorbing rate. Vague claims but, in a Pavlovian manner, we just nod and agree it is twice or five times the whatever.

Refreshingly the 3X does make sense here. It refers to the 3 times chocolate, so congratulations to all of you who have a chocolate fetish.

The bar is made of milk chocolate with chocolate caramel and chocolate flavored nougat. That’s a lot of damned chocolate! And of course there are the obligatory peanuts Snickers is known for. This Snickers aims to not only satisfy your hunger but to also satiate those who need to have as much freaking chocolate in their life as possible.

Snickers 3X Chocolate Single Bar

Upon opening the package, you get two dense and heavy chocolate bars that are each about two and a half inches long. They have the heft of one of those old cell phones with the flimsy retractable antenna. My wife dismissed it and continued drinking her cherry Slurpee spiked with Bacardi which makes for a quickie solution if you want a “cruise shippy” drink.

Snickers 3X Chocolate Closeup

Lucky for us, the person who designed the ugly wrapper probably had little to do with the candy bar itself. The chocolate bar is indeed dense and tightly packed. I was amused when I sliced it in pieces as it resembled those educational diagrams demonstrating what is under our feet. You know the ones that look like a layer cake: first the grass, followed by the soil, then a billion old Atari 2600 cartridges buried during the video game glut, some bedrock, and finally the magma. I was concerned the bar would be tough to bite into it. However, the bar had a soft give which was nice.

I immediately tasted the roasted nuttiness from the peanuts which is the best thing to me about Snickers. The milk chocolate shell of the bar is not waxy like cheapo chocolate, rather it’s very milky and flavorful. Surprisingly, the chocolate caramel is rich but doesn’t overwhelm the peanuts. Then like the ending to most of Dolph Lundgren’s movies, I was left feeling a tiny bit disappointed. The fluffy chocolate nougat is too sweet for my liking and leaves a slight unpleasant aftertaste.

With that said, while it may sound like there is too much chocolate, Snickers 3X Chocolate works. Neither component takes over strongly even with the overly sweet nougat. You can still taste the caramel and peanuts. I like the bar enough to buy it again but if given a choice, between Snickers or its amped up chocolate cousin…I would go with the original because of the chocolate nougat.

I believe you should be able to find this at most convenience stores. It is definitely worth a try if you can get through the bitchy wrapper. If anything, you’re probably safer sticking with this than a cultural sandwich exchange from a gas station.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bar – 210 calories, 9 grams of fat, 4 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 75 milligrams of sodium, 24 grams of sugars, 1 gram of fiber, and 3 grams of protein.)

Item: Snickers 3X Chocolate Bar
Price: $1.29
Size: 3.14 oz package (contains two heavy bars)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven that has thoughtful, if not tasty, international tinged sandwiches
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: The chocolate is very milky and smooth. Ron F’n Swanson. The peanuts bring the entire bar together. No flavor overwhelms each other and works together nicely. It still satisfies and if you love everything chocolate, you can happily die now. Atari 2600 graphics. The ending to Showdown in Little Tokyo.
Cons: The chocolate nougat is a little too sweet and it leaves a bleh aftertaste. Mad Money Jim Cramer. Packaging that treats me like an imbecile. Eating both bars is 18 grams of fat, 18 grams of fat! Blowing in cartridges to get them to work. The ending to I Come in Peace (“…and you go in pieces”).

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