REVIEW: Colgate Effervescent Mint MaxClean SmartFoam with Whitening

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Colgate Effervescent Mint MaxClean SmartFoam with Whitening

Whoa, a toothpaste review! I know what questions are swirling in your head. “Is it bacon flavored? Did I accidentally visit theresponsiblebuy.com? What’s next, advice on my 401(k)?” No, no, and you can’t go wrong with index funds. Occasionally, TIB likes to offer reviews for products that can cleanse your bodies of all the sweets and fats we usually recommend. And since all of our Taco Bell posts already double as laxative reviews and I refuse to try out the Shake Weight until after a third date, I figured a toothpaste review best fits the bill.

According to the Colgate website, the new MaxClean with SmartFoam can clean hard to reach places because it has 30 percent more penetrating foam than regular toothpaste. For the purposes of this review, I guess we’ll just assume that more foam actually is better for cleaning your teeth, even though a quick Google search provides unsatisfactory evidence. I’ll also assume that Colgate decided to use this specific combination of capitalization and spacing in the product title because it somehow makes the toothpaste better at cleaning your teeth, and NOT because they wanted to make me incredibly angry by randomly mangling basic rules of English. A quick Google search on this question also provides unsatisfactory evidence, so I’ll let you decide which of these assumptions is a bigger stretch.

Colgate Effervescent Mint MaxClean SmartFoam with Whitening Naked

MaxClean with SmartFoam had a classically pleasant electric blue color, and the intensity of its mint flavor was pretty standard toothpaste fare. But within 20 seconds of brushing, I could notice a significant difference in foaminess. “30% extra foam” may have been a serious underestimation, as I had a really hard time not letting the foam dribble out of my mouth. After I was done brushing, my mouth felt much cleaner and tingly-er than it normally does. I suppose the toothpaste actually could have cleaned more hard to reach places than my regular toothpaste does; more likely, the overflow of foam just reached a greater surface area around my face and left my mouth feeling zestier more on the outside than within. Even if it’s the second explanation, I think that’s a big positive – in addition to cleaning my teeth, I want my toothpaste to make me feel refreshed after I use it.

On the negative side, the overflow of foam means I probably left dried toothpaste spots all around the sink and annoyed my roommate. Sorry about that, David. Oh, and thanks for buying toilet paper last week. If I wrote for theresponsiblebuy.com I would probably remember to buy basic household necessities at the supermarket instead of walking around the snack aisles asking the store associates if they know whether the next shipment of Twinkies will include the Strawberry Crème ones. (They never know.)

Anyway, if you’re like me and want your toothpaste to help you feel awake and refreshed in the morning, definitely buy the Colgate MaxClean SmartFoam. If you’re skeptical about the assumption that more foam is actually better for your teeth, find a good scientific answer and let us know. And if you’d prefer for me to go back to reviewing greasy and ridiculous foods, come back in two weeks and I promise I’ll revert to form. Who knows, maybe those Strawberry Crème Twinkies will finally have arrived!

Item: Colgate Effervescent Mint MaxClean SmartFoam with Whitening
Price: $2.50
Size: 6 ounces
Purchased at: Kmart
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Produces a lot of extra foam. Leaves your mouth feeling cleaner (even if it’s not really any cleaner). Theresponsiblebuy.com. Index funds for your 401(k). Shake Weight commercials. My roommate buying toilet paper last week.
Cons: Unclear if more foam is better for your teeth. Capitalization and spacing of the product title makes me angry. Leaving dried toothpaste spots everywhere. Creeping out the supermarket store associates.

REVIEW: Chips Ahoy! American Summer

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Chips Ahoy American Summer

When I bought the Chips Ahoy! American Summer cookies, I thought I was about to get my America on. But, my raging patriotism turned into dismay when I found out the cookies were made in Mexico.

Mexico? Really?

If your name has America in it, you better be made in America, just like Los Angeles-born actress America Ferrera. If these cookies wanted to truly be American, they should’ve been made in the good ol’ U-S-of-A…or where many American products are made — in China. Now some of you might be preparing blog comments in your head that include the words, “Mexico is in North AMERICA,” but that’s not the America I’m talking about, I’m talking about the good ol’ Red, White, and Blue, and not the good ol’…whatever colors make up the Mexican flag.

And…I just lost the four TIB readers that live in Mexico. You’re next, the two readers in South Korea.

On the Chips Ahoy! American Summer packaging, it says it’s “Crammed with Joy,” but it’s really chocolate chips; red, white, and blue candy coated fudge pieces; and disappointment crammed into a cookie that’s the same size as the regular version.

Chips Ahoy American Summer Naked

My displeasure with these cookies stem from the fact that they don’t taste any different from regular non-patriotic Chips Ahoy!

(See Nabisco. The previous sentence is why you shouldn’t use an exclamation point in your product’s name. People will see that exclamation point and think I’m really mad about Chips Ahoy! American Summer tasting like the regular version, but I only feel a little gypped.)

If you were to blindfold me with an American flag or blind me with the light from 50 stars, then tie my arms together using 13 stripes, and then have the ghost of Betsy Ross feed me Chips Ahoy! American Summer and regular Chips Ahoy! cookies using her sewing needles, the only way I could tell which is which is by the crunch of the candy coated fudge pieces, which is different from the crunch of the cookie. But, those two crunches combined with the rudeness of chewing with my mouth open, makes my maw sound like there are Fourth of July fireworks going on in there.

Yeah, that last sentence was a bit of a stretch, but I’m trying to make these cookies sound more American than they truly are. Because if you think about it, the red, white, and blue candy pieces could easily confuse people into thinking these cookies are Chips Ahoy! French Summer, Chips Ahoy! North Korea Summer, Chips Ahoy! Serbia and Montenegro Summer, or Chips Ahoy! Faroe Islands Summer.

Again, with these Chips Ahoy! American Summer cookies, you’re just eating something that tastes like regular Chips Ahoy! chocolate chip cookies. There really isn’t anything really spectacular about them. But, if you’re having a huge Fourth of July barbeque with excessive red, white, blue themed items, like napkins, plates, cups, balloons, types of tortilla chips, and inflatable outdoor playground bouncers, then Chips Ahoy! American Summer is perfect for you.

(Nutrition Facts – 3 cookies – 160 calories, 60 calories from fat, 7 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat*, 2.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 110 milligrams of sodium, 40 milligrams of potassium, 23 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 11 grams of sugar, 1 gram of protein, and 6% iron.)

*uses partially hydrogenated oils

Item: Chips Ahoy! American Summer
Price: $3.99 (on sale)
Size: 12.2 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Resealable packaging. Contains poly- and monounsaturated fats. Fourth of July barbeques. Outdoor playground bouncers.
Cons: Tastes like regular Chips Ahoy! Nothing spectacular about them. Could easily be confused as Chips Ahoy! Serbia and Montenegro Summer cookies. Chips Ahoy! having an exclamation point in its name.

REVIEW: McDonald’s Jalapeños Cheddar McChicken Sandwich

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McDonald's Jalapeño Cheddar McChicken

For me, the smell of sliced jalapeño peppers is inextricably linked to the spring of 1996. One evening, during the waning days of ninth grade, I had joined a small group of friends at the movie theater to catch a screening of Down Periscope. (Look, the first Mission: Impossible movie wasn’t out yet, so we were pretty hard up for national-security-related entertainment.) As magnificent as the on-screen pairing of Kelsey Grammar and Rob Schneider in a submarine promised to be, I certainly had not come for that cinematic gem. I’d shown up because it was my very first co-ed outing. There were BOYS there. Woooooo!

One boy in particular, a 15-year-old upon whom my friends and I fixated daily was in attendance, and he had a jones for some nachos that night. Being a popcorn-and-Junior-Mints girl, the concept of fast food in a movie theater was still a novelty to me, so when my crush brought his plate of nachos and cheese buried beneath a pile of jalapeños into the theater, the distinctive spicy aroma of the chopped peppers was all I could smell. It was intoxicating… He was sitting so close to me, and the fragrance of jalapeños mingled in the air with the scent of CK One and hormones.

So what does all that have to do with a chicken sandwich? Well, this particular sandwich is loaded with chopped jalapeños, and it was the magical portal through which my olfactory nerves whisked me back to that little Midwestern multiplex. At first whiff, I knew I was gonna enjoy this chicken sammich.

It’s a fact that McDonald’s isn’t exactly a place known for its spicy foods. It’s also a fact that in Southern California, it’s illegal to operate a dining establishment without jalapeños somewhere on the menu. I’m sure I read that somewhere. In general, McDonald’s is trying to break away from the norm and create truly unique flavor combos, and their Jalapeño Cheddar McChicken sandwich is the latest creation to make the regional rounds in California before (perhaps) breaking into other markets. I’m sure people in other states have the ability to appreciate jalapeños as much as we do… I mean, if jalapeños have been movie theater snacks for close to 20 years in the Great Plains then that should certainly be enough evidence. But here in Cali, we’re ride or die homies with our peppers 4 life, and McDonald’s knows we don’t play.

McDonald's Jalapeño Cheddar McChicken Wrapper

My first hint that McDonald’s is really serious about their new jam was the wrapper. Stamped there, in bold, red font is the name of the sandwich, and the accompanying sketch of a pair of jalapeños shows McDonald’s means business. Upon unwrapping it, I quickly discovered that this sandwich is just like a regular McChicken sandwich, except in place of mayonnaise they’ve added a generous portion of jalapeño sauce and a thick slice of white cheddar cheese. The jalapeño sauce contains actual chopped jalapeños, which provide a good amount of heat to each bite, and the melted white cheddar (while not exactly bold) is smooth and not waxy. When combined with the umami of the seasoned, crispy breaded chicken patty, the flavor profile is complex and delicious … Not at all how I would describe most sandwiches from fast food joints, let alone McDonald’s.

McDonald's Jalapeño Cheddar McChicken Pulling Off Its Top

As for the serious jalapeño commitment indicated by the wrapper, I’d characterize the jalapeño sauce’s level of spiciness as “lip spicy” more than anything. It didn’t exactly threaten to liquefy my insides (something for which I’m grateful, since my Teflon esophagus and cast-iron stomach are both on back-order through SkyMall), but it was sufficiently zesty. I think the jalapeños themselves were probably pickled, but I could barely taste the tartness beyond the kisser-searing wall of spice. The cheese was really the only downside. I’d say it was closer to American cheese than cheddar, and there was no flavor to speak of, despite the warm, melty texture. Just like that memorable night at the movies seated beside the JNCO-clad object of my adolescent affection, the cheese didn’t really amount to much. (I think he didn’t like any of us.)

It’s comforting to know that for about a buck fifty, I can revisit the past, and this time, Frasier, Deuce Bigalow, and a janky-ass submarine are nowhere in sight.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 sandwich – 360 calories, 140 calories from fat, 15 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 40 milligrams of cholesterol, 1220 milligrams of sodium, 41 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 5 grams of sugar, and 17 grams of protein.)

Other McDonald’s Jalapeño Cheddar McChicken reviews:
Brand Eating

Item: McDonald’s Jalapeño Cheddar McChicken Sandwich
Price: $1.49
Size: N/A
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Lip spicy. The aroma of jalapeño slices. Sky Mall. Cartoon jalapeños show they mean business. Mission: Impossible. Seasoned, crispy, breaded chicken patty provides nice touch of umami. Movie-going in mixed company. Tasty and cheap. Ride or Die.
Cons: Not available everywhere in the US-of-A yet. The cheese was bland and didn’t really taste like cheddar. Kelsey Grammar and Rob Schneider. The amount of spice doesn’t represent real business. JNCOs.

REVIEW: Nestle Jamba All Natural Energy Drink (Blueberry Pomegranate, Crisp Apple & Strawberry Banana)

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Nestle Jamba All Natural Energy Drink

Let me show you the ingredients list for the new Strawberry Banana Nestle Jamba All-Natural Energy Drink:

Apple juice and lemon juice (water, juice concentrates), water, apple puree, strawberry puree, banana puree, natural flavor, caffeine, extract of stevia, carbonation added.

Now let me show you the ingredients list for the Orange Rockstar Recovery Energy Drink:

Purified water, orange juice concentrate, taurine, citric acid, natural flavors, sodium citrate, sucrose, caffeine, benzoic acid, sorbic acid, gum arabic, acesulfame potassium, sucralose, calcium pantothemate, niacinamide, panax ginseng root extract, milk thistle extract, magnesium lactate, ester gum, calcium lactate, prickly pear extract, pyridoxine hydrochloride, monopotassium phosphate, apocarotenal, and cyanocobalamin.

As you can see, there are major differences between the two lists. One is a short list of ingredients I’ve heard of and can pronounce, while the other list is a bit longer because it’s made up of a few ingredients I have to learn about through Wikipedia or by seducing a college chemistry lab teaching assistant during her office hours, using lines like, “How about we do some chemical compounding here on your desk?”

But do these differences prove what Jamba has printed on their All-Natural Energy Drink cans, “For us, it is simple — real food & beverages taste better. That makes people happy & they come back for more.”

With their smoothies, it’s very true, because it’s extremely rare for me to have a month without a Jamba Juice smoothie-induced brain freeze. But with their line of All-Natural Energy Drinks, I don’t see myself coming back for more, unless I REALLY feel the need for a Jamba smoothie chaser.

The Nestle Jamba All-Natural Energy Drinks are available in three fruity flavors: Blueberry Pomegranate, Crisp Apple, and Strawberry Banana. They contain no artificial preservatives, flavors, or colors, and no high fructose corn syrup. And, they contain 70 percent real fruit juice and each can has 90 calories.

Now, all that sounds nice, but when you’re talking about an energy drink, energy junkies care about one thing — caffeine. And I’m happy to say each 8.4-ounce can of Jamba All-Natural Energy Drink contains 80 milligrams of the good stuff, which is the same amount found in a can of Red Bull, or an eight-ounce serving of the Orange Rockstar Recovery Energy Drink I referred to at the beginning of this review.

Although a can of the Jamba All-Natural Energy Drink has 80 milligrams of caffeine, I didn’t feel very caffeinated after drinking one and didn’t seem to get the same energy boost I would from drinking an eight-ounce serving of my energy drinks of choice — any variety of Monster or Rockstar. I believe the reason for this is because of those few ingredients I mentioned earlier that I have to learn about through Wikipedia or by seducing a college chemistry lab teaching assistant during her office hours, using lines like, “How about we swap oxygen and carbon dioxide…with our mouths?”

However, if you’re not a caffeine junkie, I’m sure these will do fine if you’re looking for an all-natural way to get an energy boost.

Besides not giving me a boost like other energy drinks; these Jamba Energy Drinks also don’t taste like other energy drinks, which tend to be a combination of sweet compensating for the bitter. They taste like what one would expect an energy drink with the Jamba Juice logo on it would taste like.

Basically, they’re lightly carbonated, caffeinated juices. The Crisp Apple flavor, which was my favorite of the three, tastes like lightly carbonated, caffeinated apple juice. The Blueberry Pomegranate flavor tastes like lightly carbonated, caffeinated, and slightly tart pomegranate juice with a blueberry finish and a hint of apple. And, the Strawberry Banana flavor tastes like lightly carbonated, caffeinated strawberry juice with a bit of banana and a bit of apple.

Yup, just like at many malls across America, apple is found in all three Jamba Energy Drink flavors.

Overall, the Nestle Jamba All-Natural Energy Drinks are good and made with ingredients I can pronounce, but a can of it doesn’t satisfy my energy needs, so I don’t see myself purchasing any more. Also, because the Jamba Energy Drinks are lightly carbonated and made with fruit juices and purees, they’re extremely easy to drink, which can cause a can of it to be consumed quicker than expected.

They’re so smooth that I don’t think they’d make good energy drink training bras if you’re looking to get into stronger energy drinks, like Red Bull, Monster, and Rockstar.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 can – Pomegranate Blueberry – 90 calories, 0 grams of fat, 15 milligrams of sodium, 140 milligrams of potassium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 20 grams of sugar, and 0 grams of protein. Crisp Apple – 90 calories, 0 grams of fat, 15 milligrams of sodium, 22 grams of carbohydrates, 20 grams of sugar, and 0 grams of protein. Strawberry Banana – 90 calories, 0 grams of fat, 15 milligrams of sodium, 190 milligrams of potassium, 22 grams of carbohydrates, 20 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Nestle Jamba All Natural Energy Drink (Blueberry Pomegranate, Crisp Apple & Strawberry Banana)
Price: $2.95 each
Size: 8.4 ounces
Purchased at: Jamba Juice
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Blueberry Pomegranate)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Crisp Apple)
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Strawberry Banana)
Pros: Easy to drink. Taste like fruit juices. Made using ingredients I can pronounce. 90 calories per can. 80 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine. No high fructose corn syrup. My ability to seduce college chemistry lab teaching assistants.
Cons: Too easy to drink. Energy boost might not be noticable for caffeineheads. Small cans. Can’s design looks like it’s meant for kids. Doesn’t make a good energy drink training bra. Brain freezes.

REVIEW: Burger King California Whopper

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Burger King California Whopper

The Burger King California Whopper is not a new product.

In the United States, it’s been available exclusively at BK Whopper Bars since 2009 (Warning: Automatic music playing website), and last year it was available throughout the fast food hungry countries of Norway, Sweden and Denmark.

I find it a bit strange that California didn’t get to experience the California Whopper before the Scandanavians did. I’m not one for conspiracies, but it’s as if the United States-based Burger King, wanted to knock Sweden and Denmark out of the Top 10 World’s Healthiest Countries so that the United States, which is the 11th healthiest country in the world, can sneak into the top ten.

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

But, of course, a conspiracy to get the United States to move into the top 10 healthiest countries in the world can’t be true. Besides, the Burger King California Whopper is now available to all Americans, so just like a person who ate a large-sized Burger King Whopper value meal, the United States won’t be moving anywhere anytime soon.

To make a California Whopper, Burger King takes their regular Whopper; leaves out the ketchup, pickles, and onions; and replaces them with bacon, swiss cheese, and guacamole. The green Mexican dip made from avocados is the only ingredient that allows this burger to be called the California Whopper.

At first, I thought it’s called the California Whopper because guacamole is Mexican and there are a lot of Mexicans in California. But then I realized that might be a little racist. Thankfully, I found out California produces 95 percent of the country’s avocados and Fallbrook, California claims itself to be the “Avocado Capital of the World.” So the avocados in the guacamole is the reason why it’s called the California Whopper.

Burger King California Whopper Innards

As for the amount of guacamole in the California Whopper, there’s a lot of it. So much so that if Ghostbusters 3 ever comes to fruition, Burger King should do a movie tie-in using the California Whopper, but renaming it to the Ecto Whopper, because with the amount of guacamole it has, it looks like it’s been slimed. But despite it oozing guacamole everywhere, its flavor is subdued enough that, at times, it’s almost like I’m eating a regular Whopper.

Taco Bell makes a better tasting guacamole.

Shit. I never thought I’d type that sentence above EVER.

That’s how little I think of Burger King’s guacamole. When one makes a guacamole that’s worse than Taco Bell’s, they should be running towards the border and past it…so that they can learn how to make a better guacamole. Perhaps add some onion flavor. Or a little more salt. Or a little bit of spice.

I sound upset, because I am upset. I really wanted to love this burger, because I love guacamole. I wanted to get fat from this burger. I wanted my doctor to tell me I should stop eating them. I wanted it to be my only source of polyunsaturated and monounsaturated fats, along with saturated and trans fats.

Not even the other ingredients in the burger help. The swiss cheese doesn’t add anything. And the bacon is typical fast food bacon that, despite being called “crispy” in every promo, is never crispy and hardly brings any flavor. I really wish fast food companies would tinker with their bacon instead of their french fries.

Look, I know I just used the last 265 words to rant about the Burger King California Whopper, but I sort of liked it whenever I could taste a little guacamole. Do I feel like it could’ve been better? Oh, hell yes! But I also realize my expectations for it (Whopper = YUM! Guacamole = YUM! Whopper + Guacamole = YUM! YUM!) were probably too high and that I shouldn’t expect Burger King to make a burger that moves me as much as the San Andreas Fault moves California.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 California Whopper – 820 calories, 500 calories from fat, 56 grams of fat, 18 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 110 milligrams of cholesterol, 1400 milligrams of sodium, 50 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 8 grams of sugar, and 38 grams of protein.)

Other California Whopper reviews:
Tampa Bay Food Monster
Grub Grade
Fat Guy Food Blog

Item: Burger King California Whopper
Price: $5.99 (sandwich only)
Size: 1 sandwich
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: I kind of liked it, but it could’ve been so much better. Smooth guacamole. Lots of guacamole. Flame-broiled patties. Avocados are a great source for poly- and monounsaturated fats. U-S-A!
Cons: Guacamole needed more flavor. Bacon was useless. Cheese was useless. Pricey for just the sandwich. Not being able to watch Ghostbusters 3. There’s a guacamole worse than Taco Bell’s. Saturated and trans fats negating the poly- and monounsaturated fats.

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