Which of the Five Will Stay Alive!!!

Sorry, no review today, but I’m bringing back an oldie, but goodie. It’s product election time! (Damn, I need a catchier name than that!)

For those of you who are new to The Impulsive Buy, every so often we hold a product election, which allows you, the readers, the decide what product The Impulsive Buy will review. The product election also allows me to get rid of a lot of empty boxes and bottles of stuff I’ve been meaning to review, but have been too lazy to.

Usually these product elections consists of two or three products. However, this one will be the biggest product election ever in the long, nine-month history of The Impulsive Buy.

In this election, you will be able to choose from FIVE candidates:

1. White Castle Microwaveable Cheeseburgers

2. Red Baron Carb Works French Bread Pizza

3. Cheer Dark Laundry Detergent

4. Glaceau Revive Vitamin Water

5. Cinnamon Roll Pop-Tarts

Like every election – well, almost every election – the candidate with the most votes will be declared the winner. The winner will be reviewed and the other candidates will be thrown in the trash or recycled.

If there is a tie, I am screwed.

To vote, just leave a comment for this post with your choice. Or you can email me with your choice in the subject line. Only one choice and vote per person.

I’ll be accepting votes until Sunday, May 1st. Sometime shortly after that, I’ll post the review of the winning product.

Now go vote like it’s Iraq in 2005.

Ruffles Light Potato Chips

Ruffles Light

I thought I had accumulated enough good karma to prevent something like this.

I didn’t have to open doors for those strangers. I didn’t have to help those tourists who asked me for directions. I could’ve ignored them or said, “Me speaka no Englesh.”

I could’ve laughed and pointed at all those people who fell, tripped, or slipped in front of me, instead of offering them help and seeing if they were all right.

But I didn’t do it because I wanted to accumulate a ton of credits in my good karma bank account. I did all those good things just so I could avoid bad things, like eat a bag of Ruffles Light Potato Chips.

Oh, they tasted much like regular Ruffles and they were less greasy, but any product that turns my ass into a volcano can’t be good. R-R-Ruffles Have R-R-Ridges! R-R-Ruffles Light Causes R-R-Rectal Er-r-ruptions!

If only I were bulimic, all the time spent on the porcelain bowl would’ve meant something.

Although, I should’ve known it was too good to be true. I knew there must have been some kind of catch. How can a potato chip be fat free and have half the calories of its regular counterpart, and yet still taste the same?

Well I found out the truth the hard way.

Who knew Olean was another name for Olestra?

Olean. Olestra. Oh crap…literally!

For those of you who are not familiar with the possible side effects of Olestra, they are: diarrhea, gas, and cramps. I experienced two out of the three, which no matter how you look at it, is a horrible ratio.

Hitting two out of three free throws…good. Getting two hits in three at bats…good. Getting two out of three Olestra side effects…bad…very bad.

At least I didn’t experience another one of Olestra’s side effects, anal leakage. My Jockey Next to Nothing Boxer Briefs were very thankful.

I guess it didn’t help I ate half of the bag in one sitting, while watching Behind the Music: Guns N’ Roses for the sixth time.

I noticed something was wrong when I started having lots of gas. If the amount of gas I was putting out could fuel cars, I could’ve easily dropped gas prices by a dollar.

Then came the constant trips to the bathroom. For two straight days, I attempted to go running, but within five minutes I found myself running to the nearest restroom.

It wasn’t pretty. Even as I type this, I’m still experiencing some the effects of the Ruffles Light, which I finished off on Sunday.

What the hell do I have to do to earn enough good karma to prevent something like this from happening again? Do I have to get Jen and Brad back together? Take down Walmart? Or rescue Britney’s baby shortly after it’s born?


Item: Ruffles Light
Purchase Price: $3.39
Rating: 1.5 out of 5
Pros: Tastes similar to regular Ruffles. Zero-fat. Low-calorie. No anal leakage.
Cons: Bag smaller than regular Ruffles. Not enough karma credits. Olestra. May cause excessive use of toilet paper. May cause excessive gas.

Honey Bunches of Oats Banana Nut Cereal Bars

Honey Bunches of Oats Banana Nut Cereal Bars

Ever since I started eating these new Honey Bunches of Oats Banana Nut Cereal Bars, I’ve been acting kind of strange. I guess someone could say I’ve been acting “bananas” and “nuts.”

I’m beginning to think that the saying, “You are what you eat,” is actually true.

If you don’t believe me, then listen to the crazy things I’ve done recently.

Many of you know about my insane McDonald’s Dollar Menu binge the other week. Besides Ruben Studdard, what sane person would stuff themselves with all that food in one sitting?

If you don’t think that’s nuts, I watched dangerous amounts of programming on the PAX Network, and when I say “dangerous amounts of programming,” I mean any amount over two minutes.

Still don’t think I deserve a straitjacket? Well how about me watching hours of the Ashlee Simpson Show, then buying her album “Autobiography” from iTunes, playing it over and over again on my iPod, and learning the words by heart, so I can lip-sync them as well as she can.

I guess I should’ve realized something was wrong after eating the first Honey Bunches of Oats Banana Nut Cereal Bar and soon after becoming the winning bidder for underwear on eBay.

However, the cereal bars were good and I saw my eBay purchase as a need for underwear and not as a sign of becoming crazy.

The cereal bars didn’t taste much like the actual Honey Bunches of Oats cereal, even though they had the same crispy flakes and oat clusters the cereal has. I thought it wasn’t as sweet as the cereal. However, these cereal bars were definitely better than the Honey Bunches of Oats with Real Bananas cereal, which The Impulsive Buy reviewed last year.

Besides being good tasting, these cereal bars are also sort of good for you. Each bar has as much calcium as a glass of milk and has nine other vitamins and minerals. However, this isn’t special because the better-tasting Hershey’s SnackBarz I tried a few months ago, with its crispy rice, marshmallows, and milk chocolate, is a good source of calcium, iron, and seven essential vitamins.

Yahtzee!

Plus, the Hershey’s SnackBarz didn’t make me do anything crazy, like eat in one sitting half a bag of Ruffles Light, with the anal-leakage-causing Olestra.

Well I guess I should be glad I didn’t eat any Hostess Ho-Ho’s.


Item: Honey Bunches of Oats Banana Nut Cereal Bars
Purchase Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Good. Chewy. Calcium. 9 vitamins and minerals.
Cons: May make you go bananas or nuts. PAX Network. Lip-syncing. Olestra.

REVIEW: Burger King Ultimate Double Whopper

Burger King Ultimate Double Whopper

First it was the Enormous Omelet Sandwich and now it’s the Ultimate Double Whopper. Burger King, when are you going to learn that no matter how large your sandwiches are, they won’t ever compensate for your small penis.

Not everyone can have a HUGE wang like White Castle. So don’t try to be like Hardee’s, with his Monster Thickburger. He only made it because the huge SUVs and sports cars he bought couldn’t deflect ALL the attention away from his really small dick.

Besides, so what if you have a small dong. Subway has one too, but the difference between Subway and Hardee’s is the fact that Subway knows how to use it with the ladies. Remember it’s not the size of the boat, it’s the motion of the ocean…and how long you go down on her.

Anyway, when I picked up the Ultimate Double Whopper, I felt really guilty about eating it on Earth Day last week Friday. On a day that people celebrated conservation and all life on this planet, I devoured half a pound of beef, two slices of American Cheese, several strips of bacon, pickles, lettuce, tomatoes, onions, and mayonnaise, all in between a sesame seed bun.

It was gluttony at its greatest.

Fortunately, I didn’t eat it at one of the many Earth Day celebrations, because the beef alone would’ve made vegan hippies want to beat me down with their hemp bags.

The first thing I noticed about the Ultimate Double Whopper was its thickness. If you don’t have a big mouth or you aren’t an anime character, you might have a difficult time eating it. It may not look that thick in the picture above, but I had to do some squishing before sticking my chomps into it.

The Ultimate Double Whopper was very good, but this didn’t surprise, since I’m a fan of the regular Whopper. It had that familiar Whopper taste, but the extra beef patty, slices of cheese, and bacon made it also taste like a burger from such fine sit-down establishments with annoying versions of the birthday song, like Chili’s and TGI Friday’s. With all of that stuffed into a burger, the Ultimate Double Whopper was kind of messy, but most big burgers are.

Personally, I think the Ultimate Double Whopper is better than any of Burger King’s overhyped Angus Steak Burgers.

I’d post the nutritional values for the Ultimate Double Whopper, but it’s not available on the Burger King website, which means either Burger King is too afraid to post it or the Ultimate Double Whopper was a figment of my imagination, caused by the excessive calories, fat, and sodium from my McDonald’s Dollar Menu binge the other week.

Whether it’s real or not, I probably won’t be ordering another one anytime soon, because something like the Ultimate Double Whopper has to be ungodly unhealthy, but for those of you who are curious and don’t have any heart conditions, I’d recommend it.

Even if you have a small penis.

Item: Burger King Ultimate Double Whopper
Purchase Price: $5.59 (with $1 off coupon)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Pretty good. Better than BK’s Angus Steak Burgers. Thick burger, unlike the size of Burger King’s penis.
Cons: Pricey. Not something anyone should eat on a regular basis. People with small mouths might have trouble eating it. Kind of messy. White Castle has a bigger penis than I do.

REVIEW: Aquafina Wild Berry FlavorSplash

Aquafina FlavorSplash

Everyone has these things they have to do everyday. Some people call them routines, some call them habits, some call them quirks, and some call them obsessive-compulsive actions, but everyone has them.

Here are the three things I have to do everyday:

1. Learn something new – It can be a new word, recipe, world capital, sexual position, or way to make a baby cry.

2. Give an offering to one of my celebrity shrines – I usually give ChapStick for my Angelina Jolie shrine, fresh herbs for my Rachael Ray shrine, an Emmy award for my Tina Fey shrine, and for my Winona Ryder shrine, a Saks Fifth Avenue gift card.

3. Drink enough water to make my pee clear – It shows that I’m well hydrated and when I pee, I don’t have to flush the toilet, because it looks like I didn’t do anything.

Some people say if your pee is clear, it shows that you’re healthy, but for me it also prevents other people from pointing fingers at me when they see “I ♥ Ryan Seacrest” written in yellow snow.

So how do you make your pee clear? You do it by drinking lots and lots of water.

They say everyone should drink eight glasses of water a day and I tried that, but drinking just plain old water got boring really quick. So I’ve been trying to mix it up with different types of water and it’s been sometimes successful and other times, like with the Aquafina Sparkling Water, it was a total disaster, like the Titanic sinking or any recent Ben Affleck movie.

You would think from that experience I would’ve learned my lesson with Aquafina water, but apparently I’m a sick masochistic son of a bitch, because I decided to try the zero calorie, zero carbs, and zero sugar Aquafina Wild Berry FlavorSplash.

Yeah, Aquafina! Give it to me, baby! Oh yeah, I like the way you punish my taste buds! Make me grimace, baby! Make me gag, Aquafina!

So what’s the difference between Aquafina FlavorSplash and Aquafina Sparkling?

Aquafina FlavorSplash contains no carbonation and is artificially sweetened with Splenda, while Aquafina Sparkling has carbonation and all-natural flavors, contains no sugars or artificial sweeteners, and tastes so bad that plants would find a way to spit it out.

I thought the FlavorSplash was going to rock my world…in a bad way. However, it turned out to be not bad. It’s got a very light berry taste and it also tastes like someone dumped a couple of packets of Equal into the bottle and mixed it up.

It’s slightly better than regular water, but waaaay better than Aquafina Sparkling. I guess Splenda is good for something else besides pretending to be cocaine.

I thought I found a decent plain water replacement, until I let the half-full bottle (or half-empty for you pessimistic folks) of Aquafina FlavorSplash sit outside of the refrigerator for a few hours. It turns out that it’s like milk, the longer you leave it out of the refrigerator, the better the chances of you spitting it out.

Well as long as it’s chilled I think FlavorSplash is not bad, but then again, I think former MTV VJ Kennedy is a babe.


Item: Aquafina Wild Berry FlavorSplash
Purchase Price: 89 cents
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Not bad. Cheap. Waaay better than Aquafina Sparkling. Zero calories. Zero sugars. Zero carbs. My celebrity shrines. I like punishment.
Cons: Tastes crappy warm. Most Ben Affleck movies.

Degree Ultra Clear Clean Slate Deodorant

Degree Deodorant

When living in a humid environment, it’s necessary to use some kind of deodorant. If you don’t, no one will invite you to car pool, use the exercise equipment next to you, or want to be in the same elevator as you. Although I have to say, someone stepping into an elevator without deodorant still isn’t as bad as someone farting in an elevator.

Of course, there are advantages to NOT using deodorant, like making it hard for guys to guard you while playing basketball or having a lot of space on the dance floor to break out your pop-n-lock routine.

For the past few years, my deodorant of choice has been the Old Spice Fresh Scent Clear Stick Deodorant, but I decided it was time for a change. It’s like doing the missionary position all the time. After awhile, it gets pretty boring and you want to try something different.

While shopping at my local drugstore, I planted myself in front of the men’s deodorant shelf and smelled as many as I could, trying to find my new scent. I decided on the Degree Ultra Clear Clean Slate Deodorant, because it just so happened to be in my hands when I thought blood was going to come out of my nose because I destroyed my olfactory system from smelling over a dozen deodorants.

I’ve preferred clear deodorant sticks over the white solid deodorant sticks ever since I saw LL Cool J’s performance on MTV’s Unplugged. In case you missed it, during his performance LL Cool J wasn’t wearing a shirt, then during “Mamma Said Knock You Out,” he grabbed both microphones and raised his elbows above his shoulders and there in his hairy armpits were huge white globs of deodorant.

It was probably the only moment that ladies didn’t love Cool James. Ever since then, I’ve sworn off the white stuff and now I trim my armpit hair.

During the first few days of using it, the Clean Slate scent coming from my armpits was pretty strong, but it was a nice clean scent, so I didn’t mind. I really wanted someone else to smell it to get their opinion, but I didn’t realize how hard it was to find someone to smell my armpits.

Well actually, finding someone to smell and lick my armpits was easy, but I didn’t want to pony up the $40 for that. But finding someone to do that for free was impossible.

So how well does the deodorant work? Let’s just say, I went running for a couple of miles with it on and when I was done, I didn’t smell like I just went running for a couple of miles, but I really wish I had someone to smell my armpits to confirm it.

After a couple of weeks of use, I prefer the Degree Clean Slate scent over the Old Spice Fresh scent, but I think that has more to do with the fact I’m tired with the missionary position (ie Old Spice Fresh scent) and enjoy the newness of the bullfrog position (ie Degree Clean Slate scent).

Besides the scent, another thing I liked about the Degree deodorant was the way to advance the deodorant out from its container, which involved twisting the whole bottom of the container. The Old Spice deodorant just had a simple knob. Again, I probably think this is cool because of the newness of the bullfrog position.

However, if there was one thing I didn’t like, it was the container’s concave lip, which will probably make it hard to milk every last bit of the deodorant stick.


Item: Degree Ultra Clear Clean Slate Deodorant
Purchase Price: $2.50
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Nice clean smell. Scent might be a bit too strong at first. Trimmed armpit hair. LL Cool J’s performance on MTV’s Unplugged.
Cons: Concave lip might make it hard to use every last bit of the deodorant. LL Cool J’s deodorant choice for MTV’s Unplugged. Getting it on in only the missionary position.