NEWS: Trident Vitality Gum Has Added Benefits and Flavor Names My Computer’s Spell Check Doesn’t Think Are Words

Chewing gum bin in Anfield dugout

Vitamin C, ginseng and white tea are usually found in beverages, but Trident is stuffing each of them into a chewing gum to create their Vitality Gum line. The three varieties of the sugar-free gum include:

Awaken – a peppermint flavored gum with a bit of ginseng.
Rejuve – a combination of mint and white tea without the need for -nate.
Vigorate – a mix of citrus and strawberry with vitamin C and without an in-.

It’s unclear how much ginseng is in a piece of Awaken and the amount of white tea in a piece of Rejuve, but Vigorate is said to contain 10 percent of our daily recommended intake of vitamin C.

Oooh, 10 percent! Now I can stop sucking on limes to prevent scurvy.

The Trident Vitality line will be available early next year, come in nine-piece packs and retail for $1.29.

Image via flickr user Ben Sutherland / CC BY 2.0

REVIEW: Silk Soymilk Mint Chocolate

Silk Mint Chocolate Soy Milk

Do your children still believe in Santa Claus?

Good. Keep lying to them and recommend that instead of plain white milk, which “Santa” throws out anyway, they should pour a glass of Silk’s Mint Chocolate Soymilk to go with the cookies they leave out for Santa.

If your children ask you why Silk Soymilk Mint Chocolate, tell them leaving the special seasonal flavor of soymilk might encourage Santa to leave them a better gift, like a pony, a mommy and daddy who don’t fight all the time, or the greatest gift of all, a $1,000 iTunes gift card.

Of course, if they leave out the mint chocolate-flavored soymilk for Santa, they won’t wake up to any of those awesome gifts, unless you robbed a ranch or Apple Store. But you can console them by saying, “Maybe Santa didn’t leave you a pony because you were a little too naughty this year. What do you have to say for yourself? Is there anything you’d like to admit?”

Why lie to your children in order to get them to pour a glass of this flavored soymilk for Santa? Because you’re probably tired of plain white milk, Silk Soymilk Mint Chocolate is tasty, and because, admit it, lying to your kids is so easy to do.

Children are so dumb… I mean, gullible… I mean, innocent.

No, on second thought, since I don’t have children, I mean dumb.

I think Silk Soymilk Mint Chocolate is good enough to make up for the compounded lies and therapy your offspring might have to go through to get past trust issues. Also, if you have no guilt or conscience, I believe the soymilk will taste much sweeter.

Silk Mint Chocolate Cup

Unfortunately, the soymilk’s chocolate flavor wasn’t what I was expecting. I was hoping it would be as chocolatey as Silk’s regular chocolate soymilk, but just like the drinks at strip clubs, it was slightly watered down. However, the soymilk has the right amount of mint flavor. There’s just enough so that you know it’s there, but it doesn’t overpower, much like the amount of cologne a gentleman puts on.

The Silk Soymilk Mint Chocolate isn’t perfect, but I think it’s the best of the three Silk Soymilk holiday flavors, which also include Nog and Pumpkin Spice. Also, I think if you add a little Baileys Irish Cream, it will make the toy below slightly less annoying, if your child asks Santa for it.

If you can’t see the video, click here

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cup – 90 calories, 15 calories from fat, 1.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1 gram polyunsaturated fat, 0 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 80 milligrams of sodium, 300 milligrams of potassium, 15 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 14 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A, 30% calcium, 30% vitamin D, 4% folate, 8% magnesium, 10% iron, 25% riboflavin, 50% vitamin B12 and 2% zinc.)

Item: Silk Soymilk Mint Chocolate
Price: $3.79
Size: 1 quart
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Best tasting of the three Silk Soymilk holiday flavors. Lactose, dairy and cholesterol free. No saturated fat. Tastes good warmed up. Ponies. Contains a bunch of vitamins and minerals. A $1,000 iTunes gift card.
Cons: Unexpectedly weak chocolate flavor. Slightly disappointing amounts of protein. Seasonal flavor. Watered down drinks at strip clubs. Your children having to go to therapy due to trust issues caused by being lied to. Annoying Christmas gifts.

NEWS: New Axe Men’s Shampoos Either Soothe, Ignite or Refresh, Or If They Were Women’s Shampoos, Relax, Warm or Reinvigorate

Axe in wood

Axe, the company that made spray-on deodorant cool again, released three new shampoos to make men’s heads feel the same sensations that can also be felt with a particular Trojan brand condom.

The latest shampoos from Axe give users either a cooling, tingling or warming sensation, just like Trojan’s Fire & Ice condoms. Zen Soothing Tea Tree Shampoo is made with real tea tree extract, which tingles the scalp; Heat Igniting Citrus 2 in 1 Shampoo + Conditioner consists of spices and citrus that warms one’s head; and Downpour Refreshing Mint Shampoo has cooling peppermint leaf extract.

These additions give high school and college-aged boys more options when it comes to the vast line of Axe hair care products, which not only consists of shampoos and conditioners, but also hair styling products. The Axe shampoos are available in 12-ounce bottles.

Image via flickr user brittgow / CC BY 2.0

REVIEW: McDonald’s Holiday Pie

McDonald's Holiday Pie

Of all the great rivalries we have in this country — Democrats vs. Republicans, Yankees vs. Red Sox, Edward vs. Jacob — there is only one that will truly last the test of time: Pie vs. Cake. Epic battles have been waged between these two desserts (I counted 120 on YouTube, alone), but it appears that this holiday season, McDonald’s has bravely attempted to bridge the gap, so that we may all bask in the glow of holiday togetherness. Behold, the Holiday Pie, a 250-Calorie hybrid for those who like a little pie in their cake and a little cake in their pie.

I bought mine for 69 cents PLUS tax, which is a travesty, considering they were sold for much less last year. It appears that McDonald’s may have come upon hard times and is scraping up every last nickel to spend on magical unicorn oil or whatever it is that they use to cook those awesome fries. Case in point, the McDonald’s where I purchased my Holiday Pie had been forced to hang old coffee cups from the ceiling as their Christmas decorations. Le sigh…

The presentation of this pie is a bit off-putting. First of all, there is a guy on the box who looks like he’s frantically trying to avoid having to kiss his amorous girlfriend who has most likely just polished off a limited-time-only McRib and now has killer onion breath. Second, the Holiday Pie is a “Special Order.” It says so on the sticker that someone lovingly placed on the box. How special? It’s special enough that it has sprinkles that remind no one of Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Ramadan or Boxing Day. Which holiday does this thing represent, exactly? Sugar Puff Glitter Ponies Remembrance Day? The man on the box seems to beg for answers through his twisted scowl. But there are none to be had.

McDonald's Holiday Pie Innards

A fairly sweet and crumbly “sugar cookie” crust encapsulates a nuclear yellow pudding, which tastes an awful lot like yellow cake. You’ll notice I put a space in between the words “yellow” and “cake” in order to differentiate between the tasty baked food and the uranium-derived powder used in nuclear reactors. Strange that they both produce the neon colors present in this menu item. Coincidence? Only Mr. Kissy-Face on the box may know for sure. Maybe his desperate expression is meant to be a warning.

The Holiday Pie isn’t terrible. It’s sweet without being too sugary, and it’s served warm without scalding your mouth (like their molten lava-style apple pie). On the downside, the texture of the crust is slightly silty… like fine sand. There is also a strange, chemical aftertaste that accompanies the pudding, which makes me think I’m going to go home later and suddenly develop super powers. I call dibs on X-ray vision!!!

What? I like to watch.

So, yeah, the Holiday Pie. I’m not hating it… but I’m not lovin’ it.

(Nutrition Facts – 260 calories, 120 calories from fat, 13 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 150 milligrams of sodium, 30 grams of total carbohydrates, 12 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein, and a single, solitary gram of dietary fiber)

Item: McDonald’s Holiday Pie
Price: 69 cents
Size: 1 pie (2.7 oz)
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Pie/Cake hybrid, sweet & warm, 69 cents, Glitter Ponies, Special Order, The Holidays, super powers.
Cons: Possible nuclear components, 69 cents plus tax, onion breath, inexplicable sprinkles.

NEWS: Jamba Juice Testing Another Product That’s Not Quite A Solid But Also Not Quite A Liquid

Jett Building

Oh, Jamba Juice. Is there anything you won’t stick in your loud, powerful blenders that force me to yell my order to your employees?

Last week, Jamba Juice started experimenting with selling froyo at a number of locations in northern California. The product, which is being called Whirl’ns Frozen Yogurt, includes eight frozen yogurt flavors that can be blended with fruit and topped with ingredients like sliced almonds, shredded coconut, brown sugar crumble, fresh bananas, granola or glazed pecans. The froyo flavors include plain tart, low-fat chocolate, low-fat vanilla, and fruit or non-fruit flavored yogurt.

Pricing for a six-ounce serving is about $3.50 with one topping, while a 10-ounce serving is $5.25 with one topping. They are currently only available at 22 locations in Northern California.

Image via flickr user QuesterMark / CC BY SA 2.0