Airborne Effervescent (Orange Flavored)

Airborne Effervescent

It all started last week when I woke up with a bad sore throat. According to my body, a bad sore throat guarantees a cold. I don’t know how I got the sore throat, but it could’ve been the extremely late night karaoke or the make out session with my pillow.

When the Impulsive Buy staff gets a hint of someone in the pre-stages of a cold, everyone suddenly becomes Howard Hughes. They put on surgical facemasks, break out Costco-sized bottles of waterless hand sanitizer, start opening doors with paper towels, and play the movie Outbreak starring Dustin Hoffman over and over again, just to give that someone a subtle hint that he or she and his or her germs are not welcome.

Because of this, I was forced to find a solution to prevent the sore throat from becoming a full-blown cold. Usually, tackling this problem would include almost illegal amounts of NyQuil (or its generic counterpart), but due to my love of operating heavy machinery, that was no longer an option.

Marvin, a sporadic habitual Impulsive Buy reader and my self-proclaimed gay evil twin, was the one who suggested I use Airborne Effervescent. However, because he’s evil, I thought he was making up the existence of Airborne. But the next day at the checkout stand, which happens to be right next to the pharmacy, I saw a few dozen boxes of it. So I picked up a box.

At a slightly expensive $7.69 a box, Airborne better prevent me from getting sick, get rid of bad breath, and also give me the confidence I need when I’m around women.

The instructions for Airborne sound simple. When you get the first sign of a cold symptom, plop an effervescent tablet into a small glass of water, let it dissolve (which takes one to two minutes), and then drink it. However, the drinking part wasn’t simple.

There were two things that scared me about drinking Airborne: (1) The Airborne flavor I bought was orange, but the color of the liquid was not orange, instead it was green (see picture above). (2) I was drinking something that was bubbling like a witch’s potion.

Despite these issues, for five days straight I drank the not-bad-tasting Airborne and my pre-cold never materialized into a full-blown cold.

I could say it was just the Airborne, but I don’t want my self-proclaimed gay evil twin to gloat about how he knows everything. Plus, I think that the 10 hours of sleep I got each night and the 5 gallons of orange juice I drank probably helped.


Item: Airborne Effervescent (Orange Flavored)
Purchase Price: $7.69
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: I think it worked. It was fun watching tablets dissolve. Can finally eject Outbreak DVD.
Cons: Orange flavor should be orange, not green. Looks like a witch’s potion. Slightly expensive.

Shasta Tiki Punch

Shasta Tiki Punch

Some people in this world have called me a “cheap bastard.” These people include: women I’ve dated, panhandlers outside of my local convenience store, family members on Christmas Day, and Girl Scouts selling cookies.

However, I like to think of myself as “very financially responsible.”

Sure, I try to find ways here and there to save money and I haggle with Girl Scouts, but that doesn’t make me cheap, it makes me smart. Think about it. If you saved a penny every day for a year, you would have $3.64.

Now you’re probably asking yourself, “What the hell can I get for just $3.64?”

Well you can get the refreshing goodness of FOUR Shasta Tiki Punches, the focus of our review today.

Now when I say FOUR Shasta Tiki Punches, I’m not talking about some tiny 12-ounce can. Nor am I talking about some wimpy 20-ounce bottle. I’m talking about a 24-ounce grande bottle, baby! Twenty-four ounces of sugary and carbonated goodness for, get this, just 89 cents.

It’s not a sale price. I didn’t get an employee discount. I didn’t buy it out of the trunk of some shady guy’s car. It’s the frickin’ regular price!

What does Tiki Punch taste like? It’s like a mixture of lemon-lime soda and fruit punch, and it is mighty damn good. There are other flavors in the Shasta family that are in stock at my local convenience store, like cola and orange, but the Tiki Punch stands out.

Hmmm, if only the panhandlers that hang out at my local convenience store would just drink Tiki Punch instead of whatever alcohol they have hidden in their brown paper bags. The loose change they bother and harass people for would surely last a lot longer.

Then again, the sugar in the Tiki Punch would probably rot their teeth, because I don’t think they practice any form of oral hygiene.

But now that I think about it, with the money they’re saving by buying the Tiki Punch, they could probably afford toothpaste and a toothbrush.

Although the Tiki Punch is cheap, it might confuse you when I say the only problem with it is the fact that it is so cheap.

Let me explain.

At the same convenience store I bought the 24-ounce, 89-cent Shasta Tiki Punch from, a 20-ounce bottled water costs 99 cents. The Tiki Punch is sooo cheap, that it’s cheaper than water.

There’s something slightly unsettling about that.


Item: Shasta Tiki Punch
Purchase Price: $0.89
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Damn cheap. No need to haggle with convenience store workers. 24 ounces. A better option for panhandlers.
Cons: Cheaper than bottled water.

REVIEW: McDonald’s Chicken Selects

McDonald's Chicken Selects

Damn, I’m such an idiot!

I knew I shouldn’t have picked the spicy buffalo sauce for the McDonald’s Chicken Selects!

I knew it! I knew it! I knew it!

The voices in my head were telling me I should go for the tangy low-fat honey mustard or the creamy ranch dipping sauce, because there was no way the McDonald’s spicy buffalo sauce could even come close to the sauce Hooters uses for their spicy, hot, juicy, voluptuous boob…I mean…Buffalo wings.

Maybe it was the carbon monoxide from the beat up Volkswagon Golf in front of me in the drive-thru lane that prevented me from changing my mind. Or it could have been the thoughts of bouncing Hooters girls.

Yes, Hooters girls…Ummm…

Uh, what?

Oh!

So what makes these Chicken Selects better than the not-so-select Chicken McNuggets?

Most notable: They don’t have the embarrassing name of McNuggets.

Check this out. If you use the word “McNuggets” to replace the word “testicles” in any sentence, people will still understand the sentence.

For example: The Hamburgler was kicked in the McNuggets by Mayor McCheese, as he tried to steal hamburgers from that big fat purple blob, Grimace.

Oh yeah, I forgot: Robble! Robble!

So I was stuck with the spicy buffalo sauce, which wasn’t very good. Just like the voices in my head predicted. However, if there was something good that came out of this, it would be getting a five-piece Chicken Selects meal instead of the three-piece meal I ordered. Bonus, baby!

Two more premium-quality, 100 percent white chicken breast meat, seasoned and lightly breaded so they are crispy on the outside and juicy on the inside that I get to dip into a spicy buffalo sauce that I don’t like.

Thank goodness for universal condiment: Ketchup.

Item: McDonald’s Chicken Selects
Purchase Price: $4.39 (3 pc Value Meal)
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: White chicken breast meat. Accidentally got 5 pieces. Heh, heh…McNuggets!
Cons: Spicy buffalo sauce wasn’t that good. Slightly expensive for just 3 pieces. Robble! Robble!

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Presents America (The Audiobook)

Daily Show Audiobook

Do your remember the times when your parents would read you bedtime stories, like the Three Little Pigs and Sleeping Beauty, to help you fall asleep early so that they can do the horizontal mambo in their bedroom, in the kitchen, or in the bathroom?

It was great because you didn’t have to worry about turning pages, remembering where you left off, or paper cuts, and sometimes nine months later you ended up with a brother or sister.

Today we still have some of those luxuries thanks to audiobooks.

Besides, who has time to sit down and read a book? Not when there’s a Punk’d and Pimp My Ride marathon on MTV and I have to play a season of Madden 2005. However, one of the great things about audiobooks is the ability to multitask. It’s hard to multitask when reading an actual book. There’s no possible way I can read a book, download porn, and play Madden 2005 all at the same time, but with audiobooks I can.

Besides I’m too lazy to flip pages. Have you seen the size of books today? It may look like I’m reading Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, but what I’m really doing is working out my arms with those 255,000 words.

We at the Impulsive Buy are avid fans of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, because it’s where we get our world news. So on Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays, when the Daily Show isn’t on, we have no idea what’s going on. But then again, we are too stoned to care what’s going on.

America (The Audiobook) takes a humorous look at the history of American government in a textbook format, with classroom activities and discussion questions at the end of each chapter, which we didn’t do because…Um…Our dog ate our answers and then our computer crashed.

The audiobook may lean a little to the left, but whether you’re left-wing, right-wing, or one of those crazy Nader supporters, we think you will find this audiobook humorous. If you don’t, you have no soul or you’re legally deaf.

We were disappointed to find out that the audiobook was an abridged version of the best-selling hardcover book. We were also frustrated we couldn’t see the picture of the Supreme Court naked, which is in the actual book.

On second thought, not seeing that picture may have been a good thing.


Item: The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Presents America (The Audiobook): A Citizen’s Guide to Democracy Inaction
Purchase Price: $15.95 (iTunes Music Store)
Rating: 5 out of 5
Pros: It’s downright funny. Read by Jon Stewart and the other Daily Show correspondents. Right-wing or left-wing, or Nader-loving, there’s something for everyone.
Cons: Abridged version. Didn’t get to see Sandra Day O’Conner’s boobies.

Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Pop-Tarts

Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Pop-Tarts

I’m sorry, baby!

I’m sorry I called you a tease. I didn’t mean it. I also didn’t mean to call you sick and sadistic. My emotions just got the best of me. I know you can only be a grocery store and not the supermarket I dream of in my head.

I thought going to another grocery store would be a better fit for me, but it wasn’t. I found out that the grass wasn’t greener on the other side of the fence. It was a horrible experience.

It costs $4.50 for a gallon of skim milk at the other grocery store. You offered it to me for $3.50. Also, they only had TWO checkout registers open and one was the 10 items or less register. I had to wait in line. I know you would never let that happen to me.

We broke up over something stupid. It wasn’t even worth it and I see that now. Those Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Pop-Tarts, which I did find at the other grocery store, was such a stupid reason for me to think there was someone better than you. You’ll probably laugh at me when I tell you this, but I had to pay $3.25 for those Pop-Tarts. I know you wouldn’t have charged me that much.

The chocolate frosting and cookie dough filling of those Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Pop-Tarts weren’t even that good, frozen or toasted. It definitely wasn’t as delicious as the S’mores and Hot Fudge Sundae Pop-Tarts that you sold to me.

I now know I’m an unemotional shell who never took into consideration your feelings. You made me feel special, but I now see that I never made you feel as special.

What can I do to make it up to you?

I can get another savings card to replace the one I cut up. I can buy 12 yogurts for $7.80. I’ll wait in your parking lot and tackle anyone who tries to steal your shopping carts. Or I’ll bag my own groceries. I’ll do anything to make it up to you.

I promise I’ll never leave you again.

Just give me one more chance.

Item: Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Pop-Tarts
Purchase Price: $3.25
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Good, but not the best Pop-Tarts I’ve had. I miss you.
Cons: Didn’t meet the hype that I created for it. I’m an asshole.