REVIEW: Tab Energy

Marvo 21 Comments

Tab Energy

Once upon a time, there was a pretty pretty pink pop princess named Tab, who preferred to be called the Pretty Pretty Pink Pop Princess. The Pretty Pretty Pink Pop Princess was a diet soda pop pioneer, appearing in 1963.

Over the years, the Pretty Pretty Pink Pop Princess had gone through plenty of changes to prolong her popularity. However, despite switching sweeteners from cyclamate to saccharin to aspartame, she could not stave off the slowdown of her sales and soon she began seeing less and less of herself on the shelves.

One Sunday, while staring at VH1, she saw Ashlee Simpson and came to the assessment that if the Simpson sibling could simulate being punk and become stylish, so could she.

The Pretty Pretty Pink Pop Princess went through a punishing process to become punk by pumping herself with a power pack of herbal pieces, which produced quite a punch.

She gobbled ginseng, guarana, taurine, and carnitine, which got into her gut. Despite being stuffed with 95 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine, she slimmed down significantly and was less than what she started with in the sixties.

Her wardrobe was like something Jackie O would wear. Her outer packaging pigment may have been pink, which she put on with pride, but she wanted to present herself in pink both on the outside and inside. So she soared to Los Angeles to see surgeons who could assist her with her situation.

Vegetable juice was what they provided, which gave the Pretty Pretty Pink Pop Princess the inner pink pigment she aspired to possess, and now she was prepared to be popular again.

So she was released into society as Tab Energy to see how citizens would respond to her sharp sassy taste.

Some said she tasted sweet and sour like a Jolly Rancher and some jackass at some quasi-product review blog said she tasted like a vinaigrette salad dressing with a sucralose aftertaste.

With considerable amounts of caffeine, B vitamins, and Chinese herbs, Tab Energy could be the consummate low-calorie caffeine kick Kate Moss could consume to keep awake in case cocaine wasn’t close by.

Now the Pretty Pretty Pink Pop Princess personally felt that going punk helped her popularity. However, the Pretty Pretty Pink Pop Princess’ popularity probably won’t persist, because pretending to be punk didn’t work for Ashlee Simpson.

Item: Tab Energy
Purchase Price: $1.99 (10.5-ounce can)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Even though it tasted like salad dressing, I kind of liked the taste. 95 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine, more than Vault and Mountain Dew. Sexier than the original Tab, so I’d totally do her, but then again I’d probably do the original Tab as well. Easy to drink since it’s less carbonated. Five calories.
Cons: Tasted like salad dressing with a sucralose aftertaste, which many probably won’t like. Pricey for a 10.5-ounce can. Not a very manly energy drink. Ashlee Simpson’s attempts to be punk.

Vault

Marvo 31 Comments

Whenever something comes back from the dead and rises out of its grave, I usually expect flesh-eating zombies or a new Tupac Shakur album.

However, this time around what came back from the dead was a citrus soda called Surge, which now has the witness protection agency-like name of Vault. After Surge was killed off, there was a movement to bring back Surge, and Vault was the result of it.

It’s Coke’s answer to the ever popular, totally xtreme, and Yellow No. 5 containing Mountain Dew. As someone who has done the dew way too many times, I noticed that there are some minor similarities between Vault and Mountain Dew.

1. They both come in the same green that the radioactive rod shown during the opening of the Simpsons comes in.

2. They are both citrusy. Although, Vault does have a better citrus taste, which sort of reminded me of a Sprite.

That’s pretty much it for the similarities.

On the other hand, the differences between the two are pretty significant.

1. I felt Vault was easier to drink than Mountain Dew, because it doesn’t have the same bite as Mountain Dew. However, it’s not as easy to drink as Vault’s clear, caffeine-free, wussy-ass, and 7-Up wannabe cousin, Sprite.

2. Vault has more caffeine than Mountain Dew. A 12-ounce serving of Vault contains 70.5 milligrams of caffeine, while Mountain Dew has 55 milligrams per 12-ounce serving. It may not seem like much, but that difference could mean being able to stay up to watch the ENTIRE unedited Lord of the Rings trilogy or just the edited-for-TV version of the Fellowship of the Ring.

Or for those of you who want a porn reference, a can of Mountain Dew will probably get you through the Whore of the Rings I, while a can of Vault will maybe get you through Whore of the Rings I, II, III, and maybe IV and V.

So which one do I prefer? It’s hard to choose one because I really like them both. It’s sort of like choosing cute kittens at kittenwar dot com.

However, due to the bite of Mountain Dew, I would probably drink one if I needed a slap-to-the-balls-type of wake up. However, if I wanted something easier to drink and with more caffeine, I would do the Vault.

Although, I probably could get the same slap-to-the-balls feeling with the Vault, if I slapped my balls with a Vault bottle.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Alena, Rob, and Damien for suggesting Surge…Er, I mean Vault to review.)

Item: Vault
Purchase Price: 89 cents (20-ounce)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Easier to drink than Mountain Dew. Good citrus taste. 70.5 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine in every 12-ounce serving. New Tupac albums after his death. Kittenwar.com
Cons: Its green color reminds me of the radioactive rod shown during the Simpsons intro. A slap to the balls. Flesh-eating zombies.

REVIEW: Extra Cool Watermelon Gum

Marvo 25 Comments

Extra Cool Watermelon

As I chewed on the Extra Cool Watermelon Gum, I wondered how can I be extra cool. How can I be the pinnacle of cool? How can I be so cool that if I wore a cardboard Burger King crown everywhere I went, everyone in the country would want to wear one?

But before I could become extra cool, I had to figure out how to be just plain old cool. The only way I could figure out how to do this was by watching the ultimate indicator of coolness…MTV.

So what did I learn from watching MTV?

The first thing I need to become cool is to get some Grillz made for me. Preferably, I need thirty down at the bottom, thirty mo’ at the top.

Another thing I need to become cool is that I must live in the community of Laguna Beach, in a house with a bunch of cameras and roommates from different backgrounds, but one of them definitely either needs to be gay, African-American, or both.

Also, I need to have a super sweet 16 party at some fancy-schmancy place with Fall Out Boy or Maroon 5 playing.

Oh yeah, I also need spinning chrome rims for my car.

But now that I think about it, all of this wouldn’t just make me cool, it would automatically make me extra cool. Sure it’s expensive, but I think it’s worth it.

Grillz…$30,000.

A crib in Laguna Beach…$7 million.

Super Sweet 16 Party…$35,000.

Spinning chrome rims…$20,000.

Seeing people around the country wear a Burger King crown on their head because I made it cool…Priceless.

Now all I need is about $7.1 million dollars and I’ll be on my way to coolness and the rest of y’all will be on your way to wearing cardboard Burger King crowns.

However, right now, I’m not even as cool as this Extra Cool Watermelon Gum.

Not only does it have the word “cool” on its packaging, it also comes in pink, which is probably the coolest color out there for women, some gay men, guys who have their girlfriends pick their clothes, and people who mix their whites and colors in the washing machine.

It also has very good watermelon taste, which was a taste I would’ve expected from Hubba Bubba gum, Bubblicious gum, Big League Chew gum, or a stripper who LOVES watermelon body oil, but not from a stick of Extra gum. How cool is that?

Even by association, the Extra Cool Watermelon Gum doesn’t even make me slightly cool. Right now, I think I’m as cool as an over-produced, mass-marketed “Vote for Pedro” t-shirt.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Impulsive Buy reader dramastically for letting me know about the Extra Cool Watermelon Gum. Also, go read TG’s take on the gum at NYCE.)

Item: Extra Cool Watermelon Gum
Purchase Price: $1.09
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Significantly cooler than me. Good watermelony flavor. Decent-lasting flavor. No watermelon seeds. Chewing it doesn’t make me slightly cool. Comes in pink, which is good for some people. Strippers who love watermelon body oil.
Cons: Can’t blow decent bubbles with it. “Vote for Pedro” t-shirts. The amount of money needed to become extra cool. Not being able to realize my dream of seeing people wear cardboard Burger King crowns on their heads.

REVIEW: Limited Edition Wrigley’s Juicy Fruit Gum

Marvo 20 Comments

It’s hard to choose which Limited Edition Wrigley’s Juicy Fruit Gum flavor I like best, because the blue and pink flavors are very similar.

They both have juicy AND fruity flavors; both are limited edition; neither comes in the color they’re named after; both have short-lasting flavor; and both have two of the most unoriginal chewing gum flavor names EVER.

Since I can’t decide which one I prefer, I think the best way to figure it out is to have an ol’ fashioned Color-off, which is a competition that involves naming things off of the top of my head that come in either color OR has the color in its name. Then I rate each item as either something positive or negative.

I have to come up with ten items for each color, count the positives, and then the one with the most positives will be the winner.

Ready? Here we go!

Pink prime rib…Positive (Unless you like your meat well done, then if that’s the case, go eat something else).

Blue police lights…Positive (Unless you’re wanted for something).

Pink poodles…Negative.

The blue sky…Positive (Unless you’re falling through it without a parachute).

The diet soft drink Tab…Negative.

The Blue Lagoon…Positive (Unless you’re a guy and masturbated to the love scenes, which is wrong because Brooke Shields was only 14 years old at the time).

An orangutang in a pink lace ballerina skirt…Positive (Unless it’s throwing its own poop at you).

Blue balls…Negative.

Pink eye…Negative.

Blue denim jeans…Positive (Unless you’re wearing it with a blue denim jacket, blue denim cap, blue denim long-sleeve shirt, and blue denim shoes).

Pink Floyd…Positive (Unless you think Pink Floyd is the name of an alcoholic drink, because you’re too young to know what Pink Floyd is).

Weezer’s Blue Album…Positive (Unless you don’t like Jonas).

Weezer’s Pinkerton Album…Positive (Unless you hate critically acclaimed albums that didn’t have a lot of record sales).

The Blue Pill from the Matrix…Negative (Unless you like living in ignorance, unaware of reality, and enjoy having a bunch of tubes sticking out of your body in a robotic human growing farm).

Pink Energizer Bunny…Positive (Unless you have a headache).

Blue Man Group…Negative (Unless you’re also into Smurfs).

The Pink Power Ranger…Positive (Unless you prefer the Yellow Power Ranger).

The TV show Blue Thunder…Positive (Unless you didn’t see any of the episodes during its very short 11 episode run).

Pigs, either alive or in raw bacon form…Positive (Unless you hate mud, the movie Babe, or have heart disease).

Blue Viagra pills…Positive (Unless your erection has lasted longer than five hours).

Done.

Hmm…Seven pink positives and seven blue positives?

Damn! That didn’t solve anything.

Anyway, the real winner is Wrigley’s for coming up with a way, albeit an overused way by Hershey’s, to sell gum. Also, the real losers are those of us who bought these packs of Limited Edition Juicy Fruit gum.

The flavors aren’t very special, they don’t last very long, and they have totally unoriginal names, much like boy bands.

Item: Limited Edition Wrigley’s Juicy Fruit Gum
Purchase Price: $1.09 each
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Pros: Fruity AND Juicy. Limited edition. Pigs. The TV show Blue Thunder. Weezer’s Pinkerton album. The Pink Power Ranger. The Energizer Bunny. Weezer’s Blue Album. Blue jeans. Pink Floyd. An orangutang in a pink lace ballerina skirt. The blue sky. Blue police lights. Pink prime rib. The Blue Lagoon. Viagra.
Cons: Not a low calorie food. Short-lasting flavor. Neither come in the colors they’re named after. Most unoriginal flavor names EVER, would’ve been better if they were named Blew Blew Blue Boo Boo and Tinkle Tinkle Pinkle Pinkle. Blue Man Group. The Blue Pill. Pink eye. Blue balls. Tab. Pink poodles.

REVIEW: Mad-Croc Power Peppermint Energy Gum

Marvo 24 Comments

The last time I checked, caffeine doesn’t make anyone mad. In large doses, it may make hands tremble uncontrollably or make Robin Williams so hyperactive that you wish you had a tranquilizer gun.

So why must today’s review subject be called Mad-Croc Power Peppermint Energy Gum? Also, the same can be asked about the Mad Dog Energy Bars I reviewed last year.

All these energy drinks and other energy products have these “aggro,” “xtreme,” or “mad” names and labels, but a large majority of people don’t use these products to be “aggro,” “xtreme,” or “mad.” Instead, they use these product to help them “work,” “study,” or “finish a review for a quasi-product review blog.”

If you can read this review, I know you’ve done a lot of studying in life, and you know there is nothing “aggro,” “xtreme,” or “mad” about studying.

Also, isn’t the name “Mad-Croc” sort of redundant? Don’t crocodiles ALWAYS look mad, and I’m not just talking about the Croc Monster from Scooby Doo or the crocodiles Steve Irwin messes with.

I’ve never seen a happy crocodile. The crocodiles in the National Geographic TV specials always look mad when their mating rituals are being recorded and shown to the world. Kid Rock hates when that happens, but I think crocodiles hate it even more.

Even the crocodile in the Lacoste logo looks totally pissed off about being stitched to preppy French clothing.

However, if there’s anything crocodiles should be mad about, it’s the taste of the Mad-Croc Power Peppermint Energy Gum.

It tasted like I imagine a stale candy cane that’s over four years old would. One that you happened to have found under the sofa, but you think it’s okay to eat because it’s in a wrapper, but just like Joan Rivers, it got crusty over time.

In other words, the taste was horrible, although after going through the entire pack of gum, I sort of got used to it.

I guess it’s sort of like when you take a huge dump. At first, it smells horrible and you try to recollect what you ate that day, but after some times passes, you get used to it.

Or, if not, you do a pre-wipe flush.

Although I may not like its taste, I do like the fact that Mad-Croc gum comes in blue jumbo pieces and just two pieces contains about as much caffeine as an 8-ounce energy drink or a cup of coffee, which was enough energy to help me write a review for a quasi-product review blog. It also contains a bunch of vitamins, like riboflavin, vitamin B6, niacin, vitamin B12, and pantothenic acid.

So is the Mad-Croc Power Peppermint Energy Gum a product I would want to use to freshen my breath during a hot date?

With its crappy flavor, I definitely wouldn’t use it for that.

Is the Mad-Croc Power Peppermint Energy Gum a product you would feed to Robin Williams to get him hyperactive enough to use him for tranquilizer gun target practice?

Hell yes!

Lock and load!

Item: Mad-Croc Power Peppermint Energy Gum
Purchase Price: $1.69
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Pros: Caffeine. Jumbo pieces. Mucho B vitamins. Perfect to feed Robin Williams to get him hyperactive enough to use him for tranquilizer gun target practice.
Cons: Crappy taste. Flavor may not be ideal for freshening breath. Mad crocodiles. Steve Irwin.