REVIEW: Tab Energy

Tab Energy

Once upon a time, there was a pretty pretty pink pop princess named Tab, who preferred to be called the Pretty Pretty Pink Pop Princess. The Pretty Pretty Pink Pop Princess was a diet soda pop pioneer, appearing in 1963.

Over the years, the Pretty Pretty Pink Pop Princess had gone through plenty of changes to prolong her popularity. However, despite switching sweeteners from cyclamate to saccharin to aspartame, she could not stave off the slowdown of her sales and soon she began seeing less and less of herself on the shelves.

One Sunday, while staring at VH1, she saw Ashlee Simpson and came to the assessment that if the Simpson sibling could simulate being punk and become stylish, so could she.

The Pretty Pretty Pink Pop Princess went through a punishing process to become punk by pumping herself with a power pack of herbal pieces, which produced quite a punch.

She gobbled ginseng, guarana, taurine, and carnitine, which got into her gut. Despite being stuffed with 95 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine, she slimmed down significantly and was less than what she started with in the sixties.

Her wardrobe was like something Jackie O would wear. Her outer packaging pigment may have been pink, which she put on with pride, but she wanted to present herself in pink both on the outside and inside. So she soared to Los Angeles to see surgeons who could assist her with her situation.

Vegetable juice was what they provided, which gave the Pretty Pretty Pink Pop Princess the inner pink pigment she aspired to possess, and now she was prepared to be popular again.

So she was released into society as Tab Energy to see how citizens would respond to her sharp sassy taste.

Some said she tasted sweet and sour like a Jolly Rancher and some jackass at some quasi-product review blog said she tasted like a vinaigrette salad dressing with a sucralose aftertaste.

With considerable amounts of caffeine, B vitamins, and Chinese herbs, Tab Energy could be the consummate low-calorie caffeine kick Kate Moss could consume to keep awake in case cocaine wasn’t close by.

Now the Pretty Pretty Pink Pop Princess personally felt that going punk helped her popularity. However, the Pretty Pretty Pink Pop Princess’ popularity probably won’t persist, because pretending to be punk didn’t work for Ashlee Simpson.

Item: Tab Energy
Purchase Price: $1.99 (10.5-ounce can)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Even though it tasted like salad dressing, I kind of liked the taste. 95 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine, more than Vault and Mountain Dew. Sexier than the original Tab, so I’d totally do her, but then again I’d probably do the original Tab as well. Easy to drink since it’s less carbonated. Five calories.
Cons: Tasted like salad dressing with a sucralose aftertaste, which many probably won’t like. Pricey for a 10.5-ounce can. Not a very manly energy drink. Ashlee Simpson’s attempts to be punk.

21 thoughts to “REVIEW: Tab Energy”

  1. So, you’ve consumed Tab
    been on the Special K diet
    deepthroated a banana… with a condom on it
    used hello kitty sunscreen
    used Veet
    read the Oprah magazine
    used a Clairol herbal product
    and bought Method brand products.

    Draw your own conclusions.

  2. Awesome review, awful “drink”!

    TaB will always be bitter to me. Ick.

    I’ll go for the milkshake you linked to at TG’s site.

    Mmmmmmmmmm. Much better.

  3. Two words that should never be combined…TAB and energy…TAB is horrible to begin with there is nothing on the face of the planet that would make it better…unless it all of a sudden seized to exist…but I digress…what kind of salad dressing did it tast like???

  4. Muneer – OH MY GOD!!! I’m a woman trapped in a man’s body. Also, if I’m a woman trapped in a man’s body and I love women, that means I’M A LESBIAN!!! HOLY CRAP!!!

    Karen – I had TaB in the 1980s, but I don’t remember what it tastes like. I believe that it was so bad that my mind forced itself to forget about it.

    Nicki – But it’s a whole new TAB. It’s no longer a cola. It’s a pink sweet and sour thing. Oh, it tasted like a vinaigrette dressing. I added that to the review.

  5. Somethin about Tab Energy kinda.. I dunno. Just doesn’t sound appealing. The review was amusing with a slightly creepy aftertaste, so at least that was good, as usual.

    I may not have been alive for most of the 80’s, but I’ve drank Tab from the 80’s! I never got a clear answer as to why they had them, but I was at my cousin’s place, and it was around midnight.. Went to get a drink, and found a pack of Tab! It looked a bit old, but I was real thirsty, and it was the first thing I found. One thing about soda older than you- The stale, nasty flavor is the best part.. The worst being, the inabilty to leave the bathroom for a couple days. It comes out both ends, the fun part is guessing which it will come out next!

  6. Marvo, may i be the first one to (publicly) say (errrrrrrr…. write) you are one good-lookin’ lesbian!

    Speaking of 1980, here’s a somewhat interesting (if not completely outdated) link from ’83 about “diet Coke vs. TaB.” Funny how the times they are a’changin’…

  7. You beat me this time!

    What is this world coming to.. both PatBoyX and I just bought this yesterday to try it out and here we see your review already posted.

    Point: Marvo.

    One thing that I like about the Tab is that it only has 5 calories so pounding 6 or 7 of them wont be much of a problem. Tasted like some kind of diet candy to me, I rank it high on the energy drink scale but that’s not saying much considering that almost all of them taste like things designed to clean cars and not to be ingested.

  8. I dunno…When I first heard about this, my first thought was, “Wow, they made an energy drink for trailer trash!”
    And then I felt guilty for thinking that. But just a little.
    Of course, I kind of thought that Ashlee Simpson was a little trailer trashy too. So there you go.

  9. I drank Tab once in awhile as a kid in the late 70s… but for the life of me I can’t remember what it tastes like. Although, after reading your review I’m not so keen to go try it and remind myself…

  10. While growing up, I never did taste Tab, but I remember Pepper Free..pretty good stuff..
    As far as Tab Energy goes, sounds interesting. Any fruityness to the salad dressing taste?…Raspberry vinaigrette perhaps?! Lots of caffeine can “sometimes” make anything drinkable.

  11. Oh my god!! I can’t beleive you gave it a 3 out of 5. Tab Energy is so disgusting that after one swig I kept trying to get the taste out of mouth and I finally had to drink some Tequila shots before it went away. Nasty.

  12. Oh Uncle Marvy, tank you for that fairwee tale. You picked quite a peck of pickled peppers there, yessiree! Can you tuck us in now?

  13. Andy – My brother had a six-pack of A&W Root Beer for about five years in the back of his truck. I really wanted to drink one, but he wouldn’t let me. Thank goodness I didn’t drink it.

    Karen – But let me tell you, I’m probably the butch lesbian, like Rosie O’Donnell. OMG, Cecil has been writing FOREVER!!!

    Lord Jezo – Current score: TIB – 3 TMW – 8. You know another thing that won’t be much of a problem if you drink six or seven of them in one sitting…gas. Since they’re lightly carbonated, you can’t win burping contests with it.

    Chuck – Yeah, it is kind of a strange soda. It’s kind of like the anti-energy drink because its appearance seems to be the opposite of what most energy drinks are like.

    Mandy – You know all the COOL people are drinking it because they got it free from Coke, like Lindsay Lohan. I read that somewhere, but I don’t remember where.

    Bryan – I can’t remember what Tab tastes like either, but this isn’t like your mommy’s Tab, it’s a whole new Tab with excessive amounts of pink.

    skibs – There is a sweetness to Tab Energy, but I can’t say a fruity flavor. But I can say that vinaigrette is a hard word to spell. I had to look it up in the dictionary.

    Chrissy – Maybe my tastebuds are messed up from being a quasi-product review blog editor, but I swear it taste like some kind of vinaigrette.

    govtdrone – Hmm…Tequila and Tab Energy…Now that sounds really gross. Vodka and Tab Energy…That might be doable.

    TG – Of course, for some, that fairy tale didn’t have a happy ending.

  14. I remember drinking TaB as a kid. It’s one of the last sodas that still contains saccharin. For a while, it even carried an FDA warning. 😀

  15. I totally made my friends try this while we were driving down to Southern California. They had been drinking sugar-free Red Bull all the way down thus far and I thought, “Hey, how could this be worse?” as I plucked it from the depths of the convenience store cooler. And they hated it. And cursed me for it. For days. I liked it better than Red Bull. Less acidic.

    (I was so excited that I had tried something that you’ve tried that I left this story. Yay!)

  16. Aarika – Tab Energy is definitely easier to drink than sugar-free Red Bull. However, I think Red Bull goes better with vodka. Although I didn’t try Tab Energy with vodka yet.

    Tiff – I hope it comes in different colors and flavors…and more sweet, sweet caffeine.

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