The Impulsive Buy

REVIEW: Red Bull Editions (Red, Silver, and Blue)

Jeff / December 28, 2012 / Reviews / 13 Comments

Call me old fashioned but if I need energy, I’ll drink a cup of hot coffee, snort some cocaine, or maybe do some meth like my grandpappy did in those sepia toned garage years.

The point is I’m not a fan of energy drinks because they’re either loaded with way too much sugar or taste like I’m guzzling Keebler elves piss. I also don’t like Red Bull because I once threw up from imbibing too many Red Bull & Vodkas back when they were chic and before frat boys made it their go-to cocktail. The strange “tang-taste” Red Bull has still makes me dry heave.

When I’m too lazy to make an espresso, I’ll head over to a convenience store and pick up one of those Starbucks Doubleshot Espresso drinks which come in tiny cans that make me feel sophisticated as I hold my tattered copy of Sylvia Plath that I never read. I don’t mind heading over to a convenience store because there’s something soothing about the glass doors and dim lighting of the refrigerated beverage shelves. While being comforted by the beverage shelves during a recent visit to 7-Eleven, I noticed new Red Bull flavors.

Red Bull Red (cranberry), Red Bull Silver (lime), and Red Bull Blue (blueberry) all come in the famous Red Bull skinny can, but with new graphics. I was intrigued. The other energy drink companies are introducing new flavors, why not Red Bull? I later found out they’re being sold exclusively at 7-Eleven until their national rollout March 2013.

The cashier gave me a sullen look as she rang up the buffalo chicken roller and Red Bulls. “It’s for a review!” I protested, but she just rolled her eyes and gave me my change. I don’t need to justify my purchases to her but I think I would give me the same look too. Oh well…

I was a bit cautious when I got home to try my new drinks because I knew if that familiar tangy flavor was prevalent, I was done and couldn’t review it. I pulled the tab. Is there no sound satisfying as the “pfffftttssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss” when you open a can? Not even the crackle of frying bacon or the screaming of a lobster when you dunk it into a hot bubbling pot can compare.

Red Bull Red Edition

Red Bull Red tasted of cranberry juice with hints of an almost citrus nature. The infamous gag-reflex aftertaste Red Bull has was still present but pleasantly faint. The cranberry flavor was very forward. It had a great sweet and tart balance, like most good cranberry juices. I certainly enjoyed this one.

It won’t replace my cranberry juice in the morning or when I make a Cape Cod as I wear white cotton pants (similar to what Michael McDonald wears in music videos) sauntering on the hot sand. This was a surprise and very approachable for an energy drink that doesn’t taste like one. Plus, the name sounds like a twist on The Shining’s “REDRUM!!! REDRUM!!!”

Red Bull Silver Edition

This is the Red Bull that will probably garner the least amount of regular consumers. It tasted similar to Coca-Cola’s Italian offering, Beverly. I’m a big fan of the drink and before anyone scoffs, I’ll remind you that I also drink a healthy amount of Campari. Bitterness is a flavor, and an emotion, I savor intensely.

Red Bull Silver Edition immediately tasted like tonic water but then takes a sharp left into bitterness. I also enjoyed the faint lime flavor but wished there was a more pronounced citrus punch. You’d get more of a citrusy zing if you drank a citrus Alka-Seltzer or ate a dirty lemon wedge from the waiter’s stand.

I love bitter drinks but like the action movie Mortal Kombat, the public still isn’t jaded enough to appreciate it. It’s the boldest one of the three and I have to applaud Red Bull for it. I will hoard as many as possible before the execs realize they created a drink only 0.0003 percent of consumers will enjoy.

Red Bull Blue Edition

Blueberries are a strange flavor, like grape, because most blueberry and grape products don’t taste like their respective fruit. To be honest, I like the “candy” blueberry flavor better than actual blueberries, and Red Bull Blue Edition delivers it with a punch to the crotch and fisticuffs to your nagging granny as you lie there watching in pain.

The blueberry flavor is rich and not very sweet which is awesome. Also, like the other two, it’s bereft of that strong unpleasant tang. This one is, by far, my favorite of the three.

I doubt anyone eats anything while they drink Red Bull but if you do, don’t (and that includes any food that calls itself “rollers”). The flavors are strong in a good way but like your pushy neighbor, it’s going to try to takeover and ruin everyone’s time. Also, I don’t know if I got an energy boost from them, since I didn’t feel any different. In fact, the only arduous thing I wanted to do was play some Borderlands 2 and eat some saltines.

These new Red Bull Edition offerings have changed my mind about Red Bull and I do hope all three survive, and not get discontinued like Red Bull Cola. Do yourself a favor, hunt for them. They’re well worth trying. Kudos to an energy drink that does not rely on its usual bags of tricks like overly syrupy flavors that cave your head in to let you know, “Hey, I’m a damn BLUEBERRY Potsie! RAAAAHHHHGHHHHAHHH!!!”

(Nutrition Facts – 110 calories, 0 grams of fat, 100 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of carbohydrates, 27 grams of sugars, and less than 1 gram of protein.)

Item: Red Bull Editions (Red, Silver, and Blue)
Purchased Price: $2.99 each
Size: 8.4 ounces each
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Red)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Silver)
Rating: 9 out of 10 (Blue)
Pros: No Red Bull energy excruciating tang taste. The scene when Liu Kang meets his brother’s ghost with the song from Orbital playing…still brings me to tears. Cranberry tasted like cranberry juice. Not so sweet. Blueberry is present and plays nice. Michael McDonald.
Cons: The lime could be stronger. When the person at 7-Eleven dismisses you. These are limited right now. Energy levels are questionable. Mortal Kombat’s movie sequel. Chicken Rollers.

REVIEW: Hardee’s Jalapeño Turkey Burger

Adam / December 27, 2012 / Reviews / 8 Comments

I have to say, I’m quite disappointed after having eaten the new Hardee’s/Carl’s Jr. Jalapeño Turkey Burger.

I’m not disappointed because it has more calories than a standard Hardee’s quarter-pound cheeseburger, which contradicts its own claims of healthiness.

Nor am I bummed that the obviously pre-formed turkey patties are tenderized with more mazy grooves than a 2D Pac-Man screen. Hell, it doesn’t even boil my blood that the whole damn burger concept is basically a repackaged version of the on again/off again Santa Fe Turkey Burger from Carl’s Jr.

No, what really pisses me off is that Hardee’s finally made a decent tasting turkey burger, and they didn’t even bother to make a provocative commercial about it.

I know what you’re thinking. Turkey + Burger shape = Crap. In the interest of full disclosure, I will point out I don’t always agree with this equation — provided, of course, that I make and grill the burgers themselves.

The way I see it, if a lazy line cook at a fast food place can’t even nail a moderately juicy beef burger (and most can’t) then there’s no way they’re going to get turkey right. I didn’t need more than a 2011 visit to try the “Original” Carl’s Jr. Turkey Burger to confirm this suspicion, and thanks to the memory of that disgustingly dry and insipid excuse for a burger, I held out little hope for the latest variation from sister chain Hardee’s.

At best, I expected the new take to feature glooby mayonnaise, a stale bun, and decrepit produce working in perfect consort with a flavorless hockey-puck of poultry meat. At worst, I expected to choke and die, but that’s another story completely.

I was wrong. Well, for the most part I was wrong, that is. The bun, in perfect little-used wheat bun fast food fashion, was stale and falling apart. It lost any malted flavor it once had thanks to an over-toast, while the burnt tasting wheat base could hardly contain the innards of the burger from slipping out. A real shame because I was still burping up the aftertaste of that piquant and flavorful collaboration of southwesterly flavors hours later.

(Aside — Don’t act like you don’t do it, and don’t pretend like burping up the taste of a morning donut or afternoon burger isn’t on par with some of life’s simplest pleasures.)

Ironically enough, the burger actually wins on the taste of the turkey, which, despite a crusty and seared-looking exterior, was juicy and slightly sweet, coalescing in the kind of pleasing poultry flavor one might associate with Thanksgiving and all those Thanksgivng-ey herbs and spices.

The patty itself is adorned with a slice of Pepper Jack cheese, which, while not of the optimum goo capacity one often looks for with American cheese on a burger, was nevertheless tasty enough to impart more than just salt and fat. It added a mellow milky flavor that actually helped to cut the blow of the otherwise inferno provided by the Sante Fe Sauce and jalapeño coins.

Speaking of infernos, there’s definitely some heat with the triple threat of jalapeños, sauce, and cheese. I’ll admit my tolerance for spiciness or heat isn’t as high as others, but the good news for fire-eaters and non fire-eaters is that there’s enough flavor in the smoky-spicy sauce to bring either eater back for an additional bite. My only qualm was with the consistency of the soybean-oil based sauce, which was too loose and perhaps too liberally dispersed on only the top side of the burger.

Iceberg, tasteless tomatoes, and a meager portion of red onion didn’t add the kind of freshness that could really help dissipate the heat of a burger like this, but when it comes to a fast food burger, I unfortunately accept as much. At least the burger feels substantial, and outweighs (size-wise) most burgers in its calorie range.

I’ll stop short of calling this a very good burger and just call it a pleasantly surprising, if not reasonably priced, and substantial burger that heat-seekers should enjoy. Its limits and failings – a stale bun, meager produce, unmelted cheese – are nothing new to fast food, and they’re the kinds of shortcomings one takes into account when ordering a $3.49 sandwich as opposed to a $7.49 sandwich. The surprise, however, is the turkey. Whether it’s healthier or not is debatable, but in this case, Hardee’s/Carl Jr. seem to have created a tasty and juicy alternative to beef that someone doesn’t even need a New Year’s Resolution to seek out.

Now, if they could only get on that damn commercial, they might actually sell a few of these things.

(Nutrition Facts – 450 calories, 220 calories from fat, 24 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 95 milligrams of cholesterol, 1260 milligrams of sodium, 31 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 5 grams of sugar, and 32 grams of protein.)

Item: Hardee’s Jalapeño Turkey Burger
Purchased Price: $3.49
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Hardee’s
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Hefty – one might say, “hearty” burger. Turkey is surprisingly juicy and flavorful. Triple threat of heat imparts good flavor. Under 500 calories. Affordable.
Cons: Classic case of fast food Wheat Bun fail. Sante Fe Sauce is loose and messy. Cheese would be better if it were fully melted. Produce sucks. Still more calories than a quarter-pound cheeseburger. Lack of provocative advertising campaign.

Fast Food Hardee's

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Special K Fudge Brownie Bites

Margaret / December 26, 2012 / Reviews / 16 Comments

Sometimes you’re waiting at the ATM or buying a plunger or watching movers carry a divan into the lobby of an apartment complex and a brownie craving just plum rises out of the Earth’s crust, willing and ready to swallow you in a single gulp, and there you sit, defenses bare, without a bakery, grocery, or Easy Bake Oven in sight. What’re you to do?

Fret not, dear reader, for the hope of relief rests in sight, and it cometh in the form of a 0.74-ounce purple baggie.

Saturday was an exciting day: we survived the Mayan apocalypse, dodged a passing asteroid, and lived to see another National Haiku Day (and what’s more fun than short poetic verse??). In hopes to celebrate all these wonders in a fiscally realistic economic exchange, I skipped-the-doo-da-day down to the local supercenter and found these new-fangled Special K Fudge Brownie Bites.

Prior to opening my factory-sealed satchel, I noticed the special emphasis Mr. Kellogg stamped on the portion represented here.

Hmmm…

Considering the amount of Photoshopping that went in to that picture, I visualized myself opening the bag to find two, maybe three, dinky brownie nubs that would more likely than not remind me of hamster food. Nonetheless, I closed my eyes and reached in…

“Como?!” I uttered under my breath.

These were not the brownie shrapnel I feared. Quite the contrary, they were chewy without a wisp of a factory-sealed grease coating in sight. I was so surprised by my spontaneous bout into brownie-inspired Spanish expression that I had to try another.

And another.

Ten anothers later, I realized I had eaten the whole bag. After conducting an in-depth psychological analysis and setting my results against years of previous research, I am proud to conclude that these are, indeed, fudge-like in texture, which is an accomplishment in any regard. It got me thinking, “Gee willikers, I wish there were a superhero made of brownies.”

Luckily, I had five more bags of these, so I made one.

Indeed, his name is Brownie Man. He has a theme song:

Brownie Man, Brownie Man
Quicker than
A minivan
Not Raisin Bran
Or made of flan
He’s Brownie Man.

One of Brownie Man’s greatest strengths is his convenience. The compact size of these nifty little pouches leads me to believe I could take these brownies just about anywhere. To the hardware store. In a submarine. Lumberjacking through the dense Canadian woods. In fact, due to the compact size and easy disposal, I’m about 87 percent sure they would make excellent space food.

Of course, if you’re not a lumberjack or deep-space explorer, I am pleased to announce how excellently these fit in a lunchbox.

Sometimes, I crave a homemade, straight-out-of-the-oven brownie filled with milk chocolate chips that, when pulled, form molten lava ribbons. Other times, I covet a simple, no-fuss brownie that comes in a cellophane bag and requires absolutely no effort other than rip, pluck, and chew. These Brownie Bites fulfill the second.

That said, texture reigns far over flavor here. If you find yourself with a hardcore, exclusive-batch, better-than-the-original-Star-Wars brownie craving, these may not fulfill your inner needs (and, really, what can when talking about the original Star Wars?), but, for those who are just looking for a chewy packaged brownie or, if you’re like me and missing those Hostess Brownie Bites (oh, lonely Hostess, where has your pastry magic gone?!), these are a rainbow of light, guiding the map to a chewy treasure.

So follow the brownie brick road.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bag – 100 calories, 40 calories from fat, 4 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 60 milligrams of sodium, 14 grams of carbohydrates, Less than 1 gram of dietary fiber, 7 grams of sugars, and 1 gram of protein..)

Item: Kellogg’s Special K Fudge Brownie Bites
Purchased Price: $2.50
Size: 1 box/6 pouches
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Soft. Chewy. Lots of little brownies per bag. Lumberjacks. Spontaneous Spanish expressions of delight. Surviving the apocalypse. Space explorers. Haikus.
Cons: Faint on the chocolate flavor. Excessive photoshopping. Not having an Easy Bake Oven when you need one. Buying a plunger.

Snack Bars Special K

SPOTTED ON SHELVES (HOLIDAY EDITION) – 12/21/2012

Marvo / December 21, 2012 / Spotted on Shelves / 2 Comments

Here are some interesting new and limited edition holiday products found on store shelves by us and your fellow readers.

Cover the smell of your farts with the aroma of Nutcracker Crunch or Frosted Cookies. Or with the Frosted Cookie aroma, make your neighbors think you’re baking cookies. (Spotted by Linda at Fresh & Easy.)

Remember these? It appears they have a cupcake cousin. (Spotted by Meredith at Ralphs.)

Oh, how I wish these Peeps Peepsters were dressed in a plaid coating with Ray-Ban Wayfarers and Chuck Taylor All Stars so I could call them Heepsters. Candyblog has a review of them in non-holiday packaging. (Spotted by Leah at CVS.)

Each one has almost two pounds of peppermint sugar cookie dough, which means I can do curls with them to tone my arms and then bake the cookie dough and eat the result to completely negate the curls. (Spotted by Lora at Rainbow Foods.)

Aww yeah! I can use this peppermint whipped cream to make a whipped cream mankini. Or a whipped cream business casual outfit. (Spotted by Nicole.)

Thank you to all the photo contributors! If you’re out shopping and see an interesting new or limited edition product on the shelf (or really unusual), snap a picture of it, and send us an email ([email protected]) with where you found it and “Spotted” in the subject line. If you do so, you might see your picture in our next Spotted on Shelves post.

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Oatmeal Delights Frosted Mapley Brown Sugar Pop-Tarts

Drew / December 20, 2012 / Reviews / 14 Comments

I’m going to guess that not everyone reading this 1) spent their adolescent years in the early to mid ’90s, and 2) read superhero comics.

But that’s okay.

(Statistically, you’re almost certainly better off for it.)

All you need to know is this: in the early ’90s, comic book publishers went absolutely, 100 percent bugfuck insane. Comics were selling like crazy, movies and cartoons had people interested in the characters, and everyone believed their mint copy of X-Force #1 was going to make them fabulously wealthy someday, whereas its primary use today is to prop up uneven table legs at comic stores everywhere.

To keep the cash train running, publishers came up with a ridiculous variety of gimmicks to entice you to buy their wares. They did variant covers. Holographic covers. Glow-in-the-dark covers. Photo covers. Silent issues. Sideways issues. Issues with nothing but splash pages. Superman died. Batman crippled. Green Lantern genocidal. Spider-Man wearing armor. One comic writer, upon dying, had his ashes mixed into the ink for the printing of a trade paperback he had written. It was madness.

(Except the last one, that was tight. Miss ya, Grue!)

Why do I bring this up? Because I increasingly get that same “’90s comics” vibe when I think about Pop-Tarts. They started out as a nice, simple breakfast pastry for kids. Eventually came new flavors, nothing wrong with that. But then they just started throwing shit at the wall to see what stuck.

We got Pop-Tarts clearly designed for dessert, not breakfast. We got seasonal Pop-Tarts with winter images printed on them. We got Wild! Pop-Tarts. And even Pop-Tarts that let you show your school spirit. And now? Well, now we’ve got a sub-brand of Pop-Tarts called Oatmeal Delights with two varieties, Frosted Strawberry and Frosted Mapley Brown Sugar; we’ll be looking at the latter. I suspect we’re supposed to think “mapley” is just a cute stylistic tic, but I’m interpreting it in more of the “vaguely reminiscent of maple” way. Your mileage may vary.

I’m not going to lie — the box itself is almost worth the purchase. There’s just so much going on there. On the front, nearly every image and word is set at an angle like you’re eating M.C. Escher’s own toaster pastries. I thought Pop-Tarts had long ago accepted they were never going to be the healthy option, yet this package can’t stop trying to convince me it’s nutritious, touting its 8 vitamins and minerals, made from whole grain, no high fructose corn syrup, no trans fat, plenty of calcium and B vitamins, and a good source of fiber.

(Spoiler: the calories and total fat are not ridiculous, but still not what anyone would mistake for “healthy.”)

The back of the box avows that each pastry contains the perfect amount of icing, which I’m calling bullshit on because “perfect” is a strong word and pride goeth before the icing fall, or whatever. There’s also one of those barcodes you can scan with your smartphone to learn more info, although I didn’t because I was crushing it on Angry Birds and you’ve really gotta ride that streak out.

TL;DR. Just… how do they taste? Not quite how I was expecting, but still pretty good. The outer layer is crispy, with cinnamon oat crumbles liberally coating it and curvy drizzles of icing. The inside filling is definitely gooey and tastes of brown sugar and maple (“mapley,” if you will), although I can’t say it particularly screams oatmeal. That’s not a criticism per se, it’s just that these could easily be called Maple Brown Sugar Pop-Tarts with no mention of oatmeal and you wouldn’t question it.

Still, the flavor did bring me back to college, stealing instant oatmeal packets from the dining hall so I’d have something to eat at 11:00 PM when it was time to start that term paper. Good times, good times. Also, there’s a reasonable amount of filling, slightly less so on each of the ends, as per usual.

All told, the brown sugar crumbles, icing, and maple filling add up to an appealing whole. Not overflowing with sheer unadulterated flavor perhaps, but a solid effort that you can maybe trick your brain into thinking is healthy if you work at it. Much like holographic covers and sideways issues, these probably won’t be around for long, so try some while you can!

(Nutrition Facts – 1 pastry – 200 calories, 45 calories from fat, 5 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 200 milligrams of sodium, 35 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 15(!) grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein.)

Item: Kellogg’s Oatmeal Delights Frosted Mapley Brown Sugar Pop-Tarts
Purchased Price: $1.98
Size: 8 toaster pastries
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Cinnamon oat crumbles both look and taste appealing. Box isn’t attractive, but crammed with so much that you’ll buy it just to have something to read on the train. The maple(y) taste was good, though could have been more pronounced. Perhaps slightly better for you than regular Pop-Tarts. Pretty cheap. The ’80s comic industry.
Cons: The ’90s comic industry. Might’ve benefited from a little more oatmeal crammed in there. At this rate, TIB will soon become an all-Pop-Tarts review blog, instead of just a mostly-Pop-Tarts review blog. Kinda dull to look at — white icing would’ve offset that a little.

Kellogg's Pop-Tarts

REVIEW: Red Bull Editions (Red, Silver, and Blue)

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REVIEW: Hardee’s Jalapeño Turkey Burger

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REVIEW: Kellogg’s Special K Fudge Brownie Bites

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SPOTTED ON SHELVES (HOLIDAY EDITION) – 12/21/2012

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REVIEW: Kellogg’s Oatmeal Delights Frosted Mapley Brown Sugar Pop-Tarts

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