REVIEW: Jamba Vanilla Blueberry Pomegranate Perfection Yogurt & Sorbet Bars

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I’m so used to seeing Jamba Juice’s frozen smoothie delights in an insulated styrofoam cup…or strategically placed on certain parts of my body when the temperature reaches 90 degrees Fahrenheit or above. So I find it a little strange to be consuming a frozen Jamba product in the form of the Jamba Vanilla Blueberry Pomegranate Perfection Yogurt & Sorbet Bars.

Since it comes in a yogurt bar form, there aren’t any cups or straws to deal with. There also aren’t any chunks of fruits at the bottom of the cup that I try to suck up with the straw, which end up kind of clogging the straw, so in order to get the piece of fruit dislodged I suck harder, but by doing so it shoots the fruit chunk out of the straw so quickly that it flies to the back of my throat and I choke on it. But for a brief second, I know what it’s like being a porn starlet.

The Jamba Vanilla Blueberry Pomegranate Perfection Yogurt & Sorbet Bars combine a pomegranate sorbet with small bits of blueberries and vanilla yogurt. The pomegranate and blueberry bring the tart, while the yogurt brings the creamy and tangy. I thought the combination of pomegranate and blueberry would make the bars extremely tart, but it was surprisingly subdued. Actually, I could mostly taste the pomegranate. The only times I could taste the blueberry was when I bit into one of the small bits of blueberries, but there weren’t enough of them so that they were in every bite.

Despite the lack of blueberry flavor, I thought the bars had a pleasant combination of tart and tangy. The flavors weren’t overpowering, and combining that with the subdued tartness, I thought these bars were a great light and creamy snack.

While the bars don’t contain a Jamba Boost, like their energy or immunity boost, the yogurt does contain probiotic cultures and something called prebiotic fiber. Since both help with digestion, I’d recommend not eating all four bars in the box in one sitting, unless you’re one of those people who already change their underwear several times a day. The bars, according to the box they came in, are a “good source of vitamin C.” But if you consider 10 percent as a “good source,” then you are either the Food and Drug Administration or a music executive negotiating the musician’s cut from album sales.

The Jamba Vanilla Blueberry Pomegranate Perfection Yogurt & Sorbet Bars make me glad I don’t have to deal with cups, straws and small chunks of fruit flying towards the back of my throat if I’m looking for a Jamba fix. It’s definitely better than whatever this was.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bar – 90 calories, 1 gram of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 25 milligrams of sodium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 13 grams of sugar, 1 gram of protein, 10% calcium and 10% vitamin C.)

Item: Jamba Vanilla Blueberry Pomegranate Perfection Yogurt & Sorbet Bars
Price: $4.99
Size: 4 bars
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Nice creamy treat. Nice combination of tart and tangy. Not extremely tart. 90 calories per bar. Yogurt contains probiotic cultures. Made with real fruit. It seems like no artificial sweeteners were used. No high fructose corn syrup. Contains probiotic cultures and prebiotic fiber.
Cons: Hard to detect blueberry. Long frickin’ name. Despite what the box says, NOT a good source of vitamin C. Not available at Jamba Juice locations. Music executives screwing musicians with pathetic cuts from album sales, unless those musicians suck.

REVIEW: Limited Edition Häagen-Dazs Bananas Foster

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The main ingredients that make up the hoity-toity dessert, Bananas Foster, is bananas, vanilla ice cream and the warm sauce that tops it all. Sounds good, right? But that’s not the best part. The sauce is made from butter, brown sugar, dark rum, and banana liqueur. That sounds even better, but that’s not the best part. The best part is when the alcohol is added and it ignites like an outdoor Weber grill filled with lighter fluid-soaked pieces of charcoal.

As you can see, Bananas Foster is a dessert made with ingredients that all sorts of folks will enjoy. Sweet tooths will love the ice cream, alcoholics will love the rum, monkeys will love the bananas and pyromaniacs will love the fire. Unfortunately, the Limited Edition Häagen-Dazs Bananas Foster Ice Cream doesn’t include the fiery theatrics of the dessert it attempts to emulate, but it does have the bananas, sugar AND rum.

Yes, there is actual rum in this concoction, but it’s listed at the bottom of the ingredients list, which means you’ll get diarrhea way before you get drunk if you attempt to get hammered with this ice cream.

The Häagen-Dazs Bananas Foster Ice Cream is made up of two components: banana ice cream and brown sugar rum swirls. It smells like banana bread, but tastes like heaven, if the clouds in heaven were yellow and they rained brown sugar and cinnamon and occasionally spritzed rum. The banana ice cream has a strong flavor, but thankfully it isn’t artificial, like most of Heidi Montag’s body. The banana, brown sugar, cinnamon and rum create an awesome, creamy combination that will help you forget about an ex-boyfriend or any other stereotypical scenario seen in movies or on television where eating ice cream is used to help one cope or as encouragement for children to be victorious in the sport they are participating in.

I can’t say whether or not this ice cream tastes like Bananas Foster because I’m too poor to eat at any of the fine dining establishments that offer the dessert and, just like cavemen and mummies, I’m terrified of fire.

However, if Bananas Foster tastes just as titillating as the Limited Edition Häagen-Dazs Bananas Foster Ice Cream, I’ll look forward to the day when I can afford to eat at a fine dining establishment, be called “sir” by the employees, drink out of real crystal glasses that make noises when glide my finger around the rim and, after building up some courage, order Bananas Foster — with a side order of fire extinguisher.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 cup – 240 calories, 13 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 70 milligrams of cholesterol, 75 milligrams of sodium, 27 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 23 grams of sugar, 4 grams of protein, 8% vitamin A and 10% calcium.)

Item: Limited Edition Häagen-Dazs Bananas Foster
Price: $3.99
Size: 14 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Damn good. Smells like banana bread. Banana ice cream doesn’t have an artificial taste. Creamy good. Will help you forget about exes and encourage children to be victorious in sports, if you believe what you seen on television or in the movies.
Cons: Can’t get drunk off of the rum in the ice cream. This ice cream doesn’t have any fiery theatrics. Only available until December. Doesn’t come in a full pint size. Heidi Montag before her plastic surgery. Heidi Montag after her plastic surgery. Fire.

REVIEW: Wendy’s Spicy Chipotle Boneless Wings

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Wendy’s has recently added a new flavor to their line of boneless chicken wings – Spicy Chipotle. Their website describes them as “made from 100% all-white meat chicken breast, delicately breaded and hand-tossed in a sauce made with real chipotle peppers, dark chili powder, and a touch of amber honey.”

Before even trying these “wings,” I have a bone to pick (queue laugh track) with this product. First of all, fast food establishments are notorious for offering “spicy” menu items that are, well…not spicy. I guess they figure the American public can’t handle anything with more kick than a slice of pepper jack cheese. Second, I am soooo over chipotle. Like pomegranate, it’s one of those tired foodie trends that every chef on the Food Network loves to trot out and explain in detail, like you’ve never heard of a dried jalapeño pepper before and it’s going to BLOW YOUR MIND. Thirdly, there’s no such thing as boneless chicken wings. You know what a boneless chicken wing is? It’s a chicken nugget. You can’t fool me, Wendy’s. I was going to make a tasteless zombie Dave Thomas joke here, but he always seemed like a pretty cool guy, so I guess I’ll just leave it at that.

When I first tasted these chicken nugg- chicken boneless wings, my first thought was, hey, at least the chicken’s not bad. I’d rank it above some of the other fast food chicken nuggets I’ve had. My second thought was, I can barely taste the sauce. Half of my “wings” were glopped up with the sticky stuff, and the other half looked practically naked. And not the good kind of naked, like doing an innocent Google image search for Padma Lakshmi and getting more than you expected. Luckily, there was a bunch of it gathered in what I can only describe as a thick sea of slime at the bottom of the tray, so I could smear my naked nuggets around in that, like two ladies wrestling in a tub of half-melted Jell-O. Maybe Padma Lakshmi and Aida Mollenkamp? Only because I’d like to see Padma beat the pretty out of Aida.

My third thought, after I’d gotten a decent amount of sauce and also guaranteed at least one of my laptop keys would now stick forever (from the sauce, pervs), was that I wasn’t actually sure I’d gotten the right flavor of boneless wings. Wendy’s offers two other flavors – Honey BBQ and Sweet & Spicy Asian – and as I sat here, I honestly couldn’t tell what flavor I’d gotten. I’ve never had the two other products, but all three have a distinct “sweet and spicy/smokey/spicy and smokey” vibe, and that’s pretty much all I could tell about the flavor of this sauce. It was a little sweet. It was…maybe a little smokey? Did I detect what passes for spicy somewhere in there?

I figured I’d check the receipt to see if it at least said I’d gotten the right menu item, not that it means anything. I looked in the bag…no receipt. I was on my own. I dredged my finger along the bottom of the tray, pulling up a big glob of the sauce. It was dark orange, with some little speckles in it…could that be the chili powder? I sucked the sauce off my finger, trying to forget my earlier Jell-O wrestling comments. With no chicken in the way, I definitely detected more spice, a little smokiness, and a sweet honey taste. Okay, I’m pretty sure I got the right stuff. And I don’t mean The Right Stuff.

It’s hard to imagine a sauce with chipotle, chili powder and honey in it, that does indeed have elements of spice, smokiness, and sweetness, could be bland, but Wendy’s Spicy Chipotle sauce manages to accomplish this feat. The chicken itself is actually of quite good quality for a chicken nugget (or boneless wing), but I’d rather be dipping it in something like a spicy mustard than have it covered in gooey, uninteresting chipotle sauce. The flavors just aren’t bold enough to pop, and the texture is a little off-putting. Overall, it’s a disappointing addition to Wendy’s menu.

(Nutrition Facts – 10 boneless wings – 500 calories, 180 calories from fat, 4 grams of saturated fat, 20 grams of total fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 80 milligrams of cholesterol, 1,640 milligrams of sodium, 48 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 10 grams of sugars, 33 grams of protein, 20% vitamin A, 25% vitamin C, 4% calcium and 8% iron.)

Here are other Wendy’s Spicy Chipotle Boneless Wings reviews:
Mishens Fast Food Reviews
An Immovable Feast

Item: Wendy’s Spicy Chipotle Boneless Wings
Price: $3.99, or so the Internet tells me. I have no receipt to prove that.
Size: 10 boneless wings
Purchased at: Wendy’s
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Chicken was pretty good quality. GISing Padma Lashmi. Quite a few wings for the price. Jell-O wrestling.
Cons: Sauce was too bland. Aida Mollenkamp. Half my chicken was naked. Feeling uncomfortable about sucking goo off my finger. Claims of spiciness that don’t deliver.

REVIEW: Silk PureAlmond Almond Milk (Original and Vanilla)

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The new Silk PureAlmond Almond Milk continues my amazement with Silk and their ability to get milk from things that don’t have teats. Although if you put together two almonds side-by-side, they look like tanned shriveled boobs that never saw a bra in their lives and lost to gravity eons ago.

Call me unsophisticated or a sucker of the dairy industry’s nipple, but I’ve never heard of almond milk. Actually, I didn’t know almonds could be made into anything other than trail mix, desserts, Almond Joy and Almond Roca.

Almonds are known for being wholesome because they’re packed with vitamin E and contain the heart-healthy and prefix-happy polyunsaturated and monounsaturated fats; almond milk contains all the benefits of almonds and it’s lower in calories than regular milk; and almond eyes mesmerize me. Silk’s version of this milk alternative made from a saggy boob-shaped nut comes in two varieties — original and vanilla.

As someone who has never consumed almond milk, but eats a lot of Almond Roca, I wasn’t sure what to expect. Fortunately, after trying both varieties, I have to say Silk did a good job of creating something that didn’t gross me out.

The original version tastes like almonds with a little bit of sweetness. So if you’ve had an almond, whether it be from a trail mix or given to you by friendly squirrel, you’ll know what the original Silk PureAlmond is like. At first, I thought it was weird drinking something that has the flavor of a solid and crunchy nut, but after a few more sips it quickly became no big deal. The vanilla version was significantly sweeter than the original variety. While the original version has seven grams of sugar, the vanilla one has more than double the amount. The nutty flavor is less noticeable thanks to the “natural vanilla flavor,” but I do believe it makes almond milk more palatable for those who aren’t used to it.

Not only are both flavors delicious and nutritious, they’re also lactose- and soy-free and have a consistency that’s thicker than most soy milk. However, they’re also very low in protein, which isn’t a problem for cow and soy milk. But if you hate moo milk and are allergic to soy, or you’re lactose-intolerant and hate soy, or any other combination of allergies and hate, I’d suggest giving Silk PureAlmond Almond Milk a try.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cup – Vanilla – 90 calories, 2.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 150 milligrams of sodium, 150 milligrams of potassium, 16 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 15 grams of sugar, 1 gram of protein. Original – 60 calories, 2.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 150 milligrams of sodium, 150 milligrams of potassium, 8 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 7 grams of sugar, 1 gram of protein. Vitamins & Minerals – 10% vitamin A, 30% calcium, 25% vitamin D, 2% riboflavin, 4% magnesium, 2% copper, 4% iron, 50% vitamin E, 6% phosphorus, 2% zinc and 6% manganese.)

Item: Silk PureAlmond Almond Milk (Original and Vanilla)
Price: $3.49 each
Size: Half gallon
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Vanilla)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Original)
Pros: Both flavors are tasty. Lower in calories than regular milk. No saturated fat. Contains polyunsaturated and monounsaturated fats. Good source of calcium and vitamin D. Kick ass source of vitamin E. Silk’s ability to get milk from things that don’t have teats.
Cons: Very little protein. Original flavor may take some getting used to if you’ve never had almond milk before. Vanilla flavor might be too sweet for some. Almonds look like tanned saggy boobs.

REVIEW: Limited Edition Oreo DQ Blizzard Creme

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The new Limited Edition Oreo DQ Blizzard Creme cookies commemorate the 25th birthday of the Dairy Queen Blizzard.

Wait. The Blizzard is 25 years old?

Hmm…All this time I thought it was a minor. So seven years ago, I could’ve legally been hitting on the Dairy Queen Blizzard. I also could’ve looked at sexy photos of it on the internet and fantasized about it without fear of being arrested and having to register as a sex offender. But now that I know it’s 25 years old, the appeal of hooking up with the Blizzard has gone away. An older man getting with an 18-year-old is just below threesomes on the Things That Hugh Hefner Has Done That You Probably Never Will Experience Scale.

Why didn’t some pervert out there with knowledge of Adobe Flash or Javascript build an online 18th birthday countdown timer for the Blizzard?

If you’re a pervert and you know it, clap your hands.
If you’re a pervert and you know it, clap your hands.
If you’re a pervert and you know it,
Then your online 18th birthday countdown timer for an underage celebrity will surely show it,
If you’re a pervert and you know it, clap your hands.

Seriously, other tech savvy pervs have done it for the Olsen Twins, Hayden Panettiere, Britney Spears, Emma Watson, Miley Cyrus, and Lindsay Lohan.

Speaking of Lindsay Lohan and things I don’t want to lick, I’m not sure I like dragging my tongue against the Limited Edition Oreo DQ Blizzard Creme’s filling, which contains specks of Oreo cookies. It’s like I’m French kissing sugary coarse sandpaper or licking my unshaven face taint as I try to touch my nose with my tongue. The rough filling has a vanilla flavor that’s slightly more enhanced than what’s in between a regular Oreo cookie, and it’s almost as thick as the filling in a Double Stuf Oreo. I don’t think the limited edition cookie tastes like an Oreo Blizzard and I didn’t find it to be as delectable as regular Oreos. Maybe if I went meta and blended a few of them with some soft serve ice cream they would be better.

Anyway, Happy Birthday, Dairy Queen Blizzard. I may have missed your 18th birthday, but I won’t miss the McFlurry’s. Someone please build an online 18th birthday countdown timer for the McFlurry.

(Nutrition Facts – 2 cookies – 140 calories, 6 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1 gram of polyunsaturated fat, 3 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 115 milligrams of sodium, 45 milligrams of potassium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 13 grams of sugar, 1 gram of protein and 6% iron.)

Item: Limited Edition Oreo DQ Blizzard Creme
Price: $2.98
Size: 10.5 ounces
Purchased at: The House That Sam Built
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Good. Filling has specks of Oreo cookies and is almost as thick as a Double Stuf Oreo. Having Adobe Flash or Javascript skills, unless you’re an iPhone developer. Dairy Queen Blizzards. Getting to use the word “meta” in a review to make me look like I have vocabulary skills.
Cons: Doesn’t taste like an Oreo Blizzard. Not quite as good as regular Oreos. Missing the Blizzard’s 18th birthday. Contains high fructose corn syrup. Not as many cookies as a pack of regular Oreos. Licking an unshaven face taint.

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