REVIEW: Sunkist Invincible Orange Slurpee

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To mark the beginning of the warmer days of spring, I get a Slurpee from 7-Eleven. Slurpees are like teen magazines; you don’t want to be caught with one, because people will think you’re a tad bit weird if they see you tonguing and speaking in baby-talk to the latest picture of Justin Bieber, or in the case of 7-Eleven’s Slurpees, tonguing the dribble that accumulates on the top of the cup and yelling at it when it gets all over your shirt.

Most of the time, the scathing looks people give you when sucking on a massive Slurpee are worth it because it’s usually uber delicious. Besides, you shouldn’t care about what people think, because you’re in Slurpee euphoria and they’re not. However, if you don’t care about the looks people give you when you’re making out with a picture of a sixteen-year-old male pop star that looks like he could be on Nickelodeon’s version of The L Word, I suggest you quit your job as a middle school teacher.

What makes the Sunkist Invincible Orange Slurpee invincible? On the surface, there couldn’t be anything invincible about a semi-frozen beverage that starts to melt before you stick a straw in it. But a massive corporation that sells hot dogs in a carousel couldn’t be lying about its beverage’s invincibility to the millions of stoners who made the company what it is today, right? Like Jacques Cousteau, or Octomom’s gynecologist, I decided to risk my personal safety so people can learn from my invincibility experiments with the Sunkist Invincible Orange Slurpee.

I drove into Crips territory in a red Civic, wearing Red Door perfume, a shirt from Gap’s (Product)Red collection and my face covered in red paint. Also, in one hand I had a Red Robin burger and in the other I had a Sunkist Invincible Orange Slurpee.

The results?

My car was stolen, I was called an old bitch for wearing grandma perfume, my burger was ripped from my clutches and consumed in front of my face and instead of getting pistol whipped, my Sunkist Invincible Orange Slurpee was dumped on my head. After that ordeal, I decided to end my quest to determine the invincibility of the Slurpee. I realized people just toss the word around, because it sounds badass. Michael Jackson named one of his records “Invincible” and we all know what happened to MJ.

The Sunkist Invincible Orange Slurpee is not badass enough to deserve the title “invincible.” However, it’s pretty tasty. It tastes like a Creamsicle, but with less of the smooth vanilla flavor. The orange dominates the vanilla, but I don’t feel comfortable using the word “dominate” to describe this beverage because it gives it street cred that it doesn’t deserve. I’m notorious for combing Slurpee flavors, and if they still had the Vanilla Cream flavor or Blue Vanilla, I would combine that with this Slurpee just so the orange and vanilla are balanced.

The Sunkist Invincible Orange was a really good Slurpee, but I feel it’s not in-your-face enough for a tie-in with anything associated with Iron Man 2. 7-Eleven kind of pussied out on this, kind of like what Insane Clown Posse did with their song “Miracles.” Maybe if they added some caffeine it would be better, but alas it’s just a Slurpee that can help you deal with the warm days of spring and summer, but not offer any protection if you’re wearing the wrong colors in the wrong neighborhood.

(Nutrition Facts – 8 ounces – 120 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 30 milligrams of sodium, 0 milligrams of potassium, 33 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 32 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein.)

(NOTE: We Rate Stuff also reviewed it, but didn’t like it as much.)

Item: Sunkist Invincible Orange Slurpee
Price: $1.39
Size: 32 ounces
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Refreshing orange flavor. Tastes kind of like a Creamsicle. Warmer weather. Slurpee euphoria. 7-Eleven being around thanks to stoners.
Cons: Needs a tad more vanilla. Justin Bieber. Overuse of words so that they lose their actual meaning. Being Octomom’s gynecologist. Cougar middle school teachers.

REVIEW: Mint Oreo Fudge Cremes

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Are you thinking what I’m thinking when it comes to the new Mint Oreo Fudge Cremes? Let’s find out. On the count of three, let’s yell out what we’re thinking.

One…two…three…cookie incest!

Oh, you weren’t thinking cookie incest. Instead you were thinking about how I already reviewed these fudge-covered, mint-flavored cookies awhile back and your dislike of the spelling of “cremes” because that’s how them French folks spell it. Or if you live in France, you were thinking about how I already reviewed these fudge-covered, mint-flavored cookies awhile back and your dislike of American companies stealing “cremes” from your vernacular.

I can understand why you might think I reviewed these in the past, because they’re extremely similar to the Limited Edition Mint Fudge Covered Oreos I tried a few months ago. While those were whole regular Oreos covered in a mint fudge, these are mint Oreos, minus one of the chocolate cookies, covered in regular fudge. Their ingredients might be slightly different, but they taste exactly alike

After reading the previous sentence, are you thinking what I’m thinking? Let’s find out again. On the count of three, let’s yell out what we’re thinking.

One…two…three…Kate and Allison Foster from the 1980s NBC show Double Trouble!

Oh, you weren’t thinking about identical twin sisters Jean and Liz Sagal, who played Kate and Allison Foster on the 1980s NBC show Double Trouble and are the younger sisters of Katey Sagal, who starred in Married… with Children and is the voice of Leela on Futurama. Instead you were thinking about how Nabisco is taking a page out of the Taco Bell cookbook because they’re selling a product that tastes like another product of theirs and pushing it as something new.

Overall, the Mint Oreo Fudge Cremes were very satisfying, especially when chilled. They may not be original, but because they taste like the delectable Limited Edition Mint Fudge Covered Oreos, which taste like Girl Scout Thin Mints, I can look past the lack of ingenuity. But I swear, if Nabisco comes out with an Oreo cookie that consists of their regular filling with mint chocolate cookies and dipped in fudge, I’m gonna bitchslap the nearest colophon.

(Nutrition Facts – 3 cookies – 170 calories, 9 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 2.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 75 milligrams of sodium, 55 milligrams of potassium, 25 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 19 grams of sugar and 1 gram of protein.)

Item: Mint Oreo Fudge Cremes
Price: $3.49
Size: 8.5 ounces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Delectable. Tastes like Girl Scout Thin Mints. Awesome when chilled. 1980s NBC show Double Trouble. Adolescent dreams of Kate and Allison Foster. Futurama.
Cons: Trying to find a colophon to bitchslap. Not really an original product. My inability to read your mind. High in saturated fat, if you eat three or more of them. The spelling of “cremes.” Cookie incest.

REVIEW: Jack in the Box French Fries (2010)

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French fries are undoubtedly the most popular side order at any burger chain in America. I say that having done absolutely zero research, but I’m confident that it’s true. It also seems to be true that everyone has a different opinion about fries, and they love to express these opinions and, ultimately, start arguments about them. French fry arguments are like music preference arguments: nobody’s going to win, but somebody’s going to get a black eye. Okay, maybe not that drastic. But somebody’s getting banned from the ilovefrenchfries.com message board, is all I’m saying.

(PS – ilovefrenchfries.com is not a real website, so put your trolling equipment away.)

I must be bizarre, because I usually don’t order french fries. I don’t hate them, I just don’t really care for them either way. I’m comfortable having a monogamous relationship with my hamburger. Adding fries would just make the burger jealous and cause all sorts of problems. My burger and I are perfectly happy together. We don’t need any french fries coming in to “spice up the relationship.”

This could be either good or bad, in regards to this review, because today I’m taking a look at Jack in the Box’s new and supposedly improved french fries. Unfortunately, I can’t for the life of me remember what their old fries tasted like. Fortunately, that gives me a fresh palate I can then use to rain my judgment down upon these fries.

According to Tammy Bailey, division vice president of menu marketing and promotions for Jack in the Box Inc. and someone who probably has to use a very small font on her business card, “We’ve received a lot of feedback from consumers on what they like most about French fries, with flavor, texture and crispness at the top of the list. So we created our new French fries with a crispier outside texture that enhances the potato flavor and helps them retain their temperature.”

Well, Tammy, I’m afraid I’m going to have to disagree with you on some of those points. My fries were lukewarm at best, so either this magical outside texture is not working or my order had been sitting out for a while. They did have more flavor than other fries I’ve had, which did conjure some vague memories of the old Jack in the Box fries I’ve had. It’s a flavor similar to Burger King’s fries, from when they changed their recipe however many years ago. Instead of just having the flavor of grease, there’s a taste kind of like batter that makes them less bland than most other fast food fries. While the flavor was pretty good, I thought they could have used a little more salt.

The crispness is an interesting topic. Jack in the Box claims that their feedback from customers states that crispness is an important factor. Well, I got a little feedback of my own, from about a half dozen of my friends. I asked them what their favorite fast food fry was, and why. I was surprised at the results – every single one of them said they liked McDonald’s fries, because they’re limp, greasy and overly salty.

Take that with a grain of salt, har har, since these are my friends, and anyone who associates with someone who deliberately attempts to find and consume the most disgusting junk food she can find is probably of questionable taste and character to begin with. That said, the Jack in the Box fried potato sticks do live up to their claim of crispness. While I did get a few of those small, crunchy, hard fries, there wasn’t a limp stick in the bunch. Insert “limp stick” joke here.

Jack in the Box mostly succeeds in what they set out to do. While my fries were lukewarm, raising questions about how well the outer texture actually insulates the pommes frites, and I found them to be lacking in salt, they are indeed perfectly crispy and more flavorful than the average fry. The question is, is this what the people want? Well, I guess that all comes back around to the ageless polarization of people’s opinions on french fries. Some like ’em crispy, some like ’em greasy, some like ’em salty, some like ’em limp. And as long as people have assholes – er, wait, I mean, opinions, there’s going to be someone out there who likes Jack in the Box’s new, crispier fries, and someone who wants to punch that person in the face.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 small order – 333 calories, 138 calories from fat, 1 grams of saturated fat, 15 grams of total fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1 milligram of cholesterol, 607 milligrams of sodium, 432 milligrams of potassium, 45 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 0 grams of sugars and 4 grams of protein.)

Item: Jack in the Box French Fries (2010)
Price: $1.79
Size: 1 small order
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Delivers the promise of crispiness. Monogamous burger relationships. More flavorful than most fries. People getting overly agitated about flavor preferences. PR mostly living up to its own hype. Limp sticks?
Cons: Not enough salt. Getting a black eye over french fries. Magical texture jacket not keeping my fries warm. Limp sticks?

REVIEW: Mountain Dew DEWmocracy Flavors 2010 (White Out, Typhoon, Distortion)

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I now know what it’s like being The Bachelor, thanks to this year’s Mountain Dew DEWmocracy flavors.

However, instead of having a harem of fame-seeking women to choose from and give roses to if I deem them to be beautiful or least craziest, I had to select between three caffeine-fortified and Durex condom-colored flavors — White Out, Typhoon and Distortion. Just like The Bachelor, I got to suck face with all of the contestants and put myself at risk for catching a disease. While The Bachelor had to worry about mono and herpes, I had to worry about diabetes and obesity.

If I were giving out roses, like The Bachelor does, to those flavors I would like to see added to the regular Mountain Dew lineup, I would give the first one to the tropical punch flavored Mountain Dew Typhoon. While those who live in the western part of the Pacific Ocean probably don’t like its name, I thought its pineapple and citrus flavor was the best tasting and most unique of the three DEWmocracy flavors. Although, as much as I liked it, I wasn’t completely blown away by it.

I’d give another rose to Mountain Dew Distortion. It looks like regular Mountain Dew, but once it’s popped open, its true self will hit your taste buds. Distortion is a “lime blasted” Mountain Dew and not only are its looks familiar, but also its flavor. It reminded me of the Taco Bell exclusive Baja Blast Mountain Dew, which I do enjoy partaking with my Taco Bell meal that most likely contains seasoned ground beef, cheese, shredded lettuce, sour cream, and refried beans in a soft tortilla. Distortion’s lime flavor was a little bit stronger than the Baja Blast, placing it slightly into the territory of sodas that taste more like floor cleaners, but I did enjoy it.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t give a rose to every flavor. So I chose not to give one to Mountain Dew White Out, which I will call, on occasion, in this paragraph, Virgin Smirnoff Ice, because it looks like Smirnoff Ice. According to the bottle, Virgin Smirnoff Ice’s flavor is described as a “smooth citrus Dew,” which I totally agree with because it tasted like a flat Sprite with tangerine/orange undertones. It’s not an exciting flavor. Mountain Dew White Out would’ve been a lot more interesting if I could get high while huffing it.

Overall, I don’t think Distortion and Virgin Smirnoff Ice were as creative as the 2008 DEWmocracy flavors. While each of the 2008 flavors combined citrus with other fruit flavors, the 2010 versions, except Typhoon, were just different shades of citrus. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get checked for diabetes since I made out with all of the DEWmocracy contestants.

(Nutrition Facts – 20 ounces – 280 calories, 0 grams of fat, 105 milligrams of sodium, 76 grams of carbohydrates, 76 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Mountain Dew DEWmocracy Flavors 2010 (Distortion, Typhoon, White Out)
Price: $1.29 each
Size: 20 ounces
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Distortion)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Typhoon)
Rating: 5 out of 10 (White Out)
Pros: Typhoon was the best tasting and most creative flavor. Distortion reminds me of Baja Blast Mountain Dew. 91 milligrams of caffeine per 20 ounce bottle. Participating in a democratic process.
Cons: Distortion tastes like floor cleaner. White Out tastes like a flat Sprite and doesn’t get one high if huffed. More ways to consume high fructose corn syrup. The crazy contestants on The Bachelor.

REVIEW: Dunkin’ Donuts Cheddar Cheese Bagel Twist

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New Yorkers are passionate people when it comes to food and no matter where you’re from you can agree that New York has some of the best food around, especially pizza and bagels.

Although, if you’re from Chicago, you’ll probably disagree on the pizza thing.

New Yorkers claim it’s the water that makes a NY bagel better. I don’t know if this is true, but as a Phillies fan and New England native, I’m generally skeptical of anything a New Yorker says, even if a tasty bagel with schmear is involved. To compare a mass-produced bagel to a freshly baked one from a family-owned bagel shop is like comparing Ellio’s to anything else that isn’t Ellio’s. The thing is, I like cheap frozen pizza and I like bagels that aren’t made with New York City water, but a twisted bagel from Dunkin’ Donuts? Now that’s getting crazy.

It’s odd, but the shape of things really can change the taste of food. The kids on Jamie Oliver’s new show know that dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets are way better than nugget shaped nuggets. But what about a bagel that’s braided like the Swiss Miss chick’s hair? The bagel, or as I dubbed it, twistle, is a really good size for a substantial snack, but there’s one thing missing — cream cheese. I thought they were going to go the Bagel-fuls route and inseminate it with cream cheese, but no. I wasn’t even offered cream cheese upon purchasing a bagel twist. They’re marketing these things as an “on-the-go” alternative to traditional round bagels, but I don’t see how “on-the-go” it really is when you have to use two hands to eat it and pull it from your mouth like some pit bull with a rubber chew toy, or a shark with a human leg.

What the hell is an on-the-go snack anyway? I’m sure it’s different for everyone. I saw a guy tackling a Five Dollar Foot-Long on the train the other day and not one meatball landed on his Dockers. Good thing I wasn’t on a NYC train, because it would be a different kind of Five Dollar Foot-Long that Mr. Dockers would be tackling on his commute home.

The Dunkin’ Donuts Cheddar Cheese Bagel Twist is pretty greasy; you can just smell the grease and cheddar cheese. Despite needing a few napkins to hold it while gnawing to suck up the grease, it’s actually a good thing that it’s sort of on the slick side, because if it didn’t have some moisture it would’ve been extremely dry, making it hard for me to talk. If I can’t talk, how am I going to strike up a conversation with Mr. Dockers and his Five Dollar Foot-Long?

Also, the calories in this thing are outrageous for a bagel sans cream cheese. 400 calories!?! If I knew it was 400 calories, I would’ve just said fuck it and clogged my arteries with a KFC Double Down.

The Dunkin’ Donuts Bagel Twists come in a variety of flavors (I’ve only seen Cinnamon Raisin and Cheddar Cheese so far), but I’m probably not going to try all of them, because I’m tired of their mediocre products. Dunkin’ Donuts really needs to step up their game. Hey! I have a suggestion. How about Dunkin’ Donuts make their DONUTS better before they start messing with pizza, flatbread sandwiches and reshaping bagels?

Oh, and while they’re at it, how about they bring back the Dunkin’ Donut (if you are unaware of the Dunkin’ Donut, it was a plain donut with a little “handle” to help dunk it in your coffee).

I mean, seriously, how can they get rid of a product that has the same name as the company?

(Nutrition Facts – 1 Bagel Twist – 400 calories, 9 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 800 milligrams of sodium, 63 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 5 grams of sugar, 17 grams of protein, 6% vitamin A, 15% calcium and 20% iron.)

Item: Dunkin’ Donuts Cheddar Cheese Bagel Twist
Price: $1.49
Size: 1 Bagel Twist
Purchased at: Dunkin’ Donuts
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Nice cheddar cheese flavor. Larger than a circular bagel. Being amused by what people eat while taking public transportation. The original Dunkin’ Donut with cute little handle. Dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets.
Cons: High in calories for a quick snack. Pretty boring without cream cheese. Dunkin’ Donuts eliminating the Dunkin’ Donut. What chicken nuggets are really made of.

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