Jack in the Box Pita Snacks

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First off, if you’re reading this review in the morning, I apologize for the rude awakening the picture above of the new Jack in the Box Pita Snacks has given you. If you’re reading this review in the evening, I would like to say I’m sorry for the nightmares the photo on top are about to give you. I know the picture above looks as scary as a photo of the Doodlebops. Oh crap! If you just clicked that link for pictures of the Doodlebops, I apologize for the possible nightmare orgy of Pita Snacks and brightly dressed children’s television show characters, which could eventually lead to a rainbow orgy in your mind of Yo Gabba Gabba!, Doodlebops, and Teletubbies.

If you love chomping down on animals, the Jack in the Box pretty much has most of your meats covered with their Pita Snacks, offering it in chicken (center), beef (right), and fish (left). The chicken one comes with either the deliciously unhealthy crispy chicken or the slightly less daring grilled chicken, the beef version consists of strips of marinated sirloin steak, while the fish one has a breaded fish fillet. All Pita Snacks also feature shredded cheddar cheese, shredded lettuce, and a chipotle sauce wrapped in a pita made with whole grain.

I was pleasantly surprised by the Jack in the Box Pita Snacks in size and taste. Despite have the word “Snack” in its name, they were remarkably well-sized. I was afraid its size was going to be disappointing like the KFC Snacker or a male Asian porn star, but they were as big as a Taco Bell Chalupa, except with less farting.

I tried the grilled chicken, sirloin, and fish versions in one sitting and pretty much enjoyed them all, thanks to the chipotle sauce, which gave the Pita Snacks a nice heat and flavor, but didn’t overwhelming the meat in them. Without the sauce, each Pita Snack would be the equivalent of a telenovela without the steamy love triangle and excessive face slaps. The grilled chicken and sirloin were tender and the breaded fish had a nice crunchy coating, although that crunch coating probably caused the fish version to be unhealthier than the other two.

The iceberg lettuce didn’t add much to the pita package, which really wasn’t surprising since iceberg lettuce has never made a significant contribution to any dish. As for the cheddar cheese, it also didn’t add anything to the Pita Snacks, but its radioactive orange color might make it easier for your subconscious mind to stick the Jack in the Box Pita Snacks into your nightmare orgy of fuzzy children’s television characters.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 pita snack – Fish – 380 calories, 19 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 2 grams of trans fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 780 milligrams of sodium, 170 milligrams of potassium, 39 grams of carbs, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 2 grams of sugar, 13 grams of protein. Grilled Chicken – 310 calories, 13 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 50 milligrams of cholesterol, 640 milligrams of sodium, 210 milligrams of potassium, 31 grams of carbs, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 2 grams of sugar, 17 grams of protein, Sirloin Steak – 350 calories, 16 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 45 milligrams of cholesterol, 640 milligrams of sodium, 200 milligrams of potassium, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 2 grams of sugar, 19 grams of protein.)

Item: Jack in the Box Pita Snacks
Price: $2.99 ($1.99 in most other places)
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Grilled chicken)
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Sirloin steak)
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Fish)
Pros: Chipotle sauce was tasty and spicy, but not too spicy. Pita made with whole grain, but what isn’t made out of whole grain nowadays. Bigger than I thought they would be. Tender grilled chicken and sirloin. Less farting than a Taco Bell Chalupa. Reasonably priced at $1.99.
Cons: Eating three in one sitting. Use of iceberg lettuce. Messy to eat. Fish had 2 grams of trans fat and was the unhealthiest of the three. Lettuce and cheese didn’t add much. A rainbow orgy of fuzzy children’s television characters haunting your dreams. Having to pay $2.99 for each, instead of the more reasonably priced $1.99.

Genuine Broaster Chicken

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Fried chicken has always been like a hot booty call: ready and satisfying any time I had the urge, but bad for me and probably more dangerous and full of chemicals than I’d like to admit. This is why my first taste of the healthier Broaster Chicken was the culinary equivalent of finding Jesus in a tortilla. Questions came flooding down the previously frozen glacier of my head: Where has this been all my life? Why didn’t anyone tell me about this? Is this all a dream?

Thankfully, I wasn’t in a bad 80’s sitcom and the chicken was in fact real. Broasted chicken, as I am told by their website, is pressure-cooked with some secret method using a secret marinade which cuts the fat nearly in half while retaining the meat’s moisture. I still don’t understand how they got the word “broasted” from a method of pressure frying, but I’ve gone far beyond the point of caring.

If I sound like a corporate shill, it’s because I want to run into every KFC and start violently shaking people by their shirts as I screamed obscenities at them. KFC is no doubt delicious, but it pales in comparison to this magical chicken that I consumed. The crispy and light skin was topped with delectable cajun spices. The best part is that a patting with a napkin yielded no grease spots. If I ever saw a dieter throwing the skin away, I would almost certainly have to run and tackle the person.

Inside the first piece was the juiciest breast meat ever, which seems almost oxymoronic by typical fried chicken standards. The other piece of chicken was the best use of a thigh since gymnast Shawn Johnson used her running back-like legs to win gold during the Olympics.

Sold in select delis and restaurants around the nation, I’m assuming that the quality of Genuine Broaster Chicken may vary. If done right, as with this Huckleberry’s location in Orange County, it should come to you cooked to order with a Korean lady warning you that the chicken is still hot. She will offer you hot sauce, but you decline, already anticipating the natural flavors of this miracle bird.

It is at this point that you will embrace the majesty of your lips caressing the chicken. And in this moment of ecstasy you will think of me. This will probably be very confusing for you until you take your next bite and go on for the rest of the meal without a care in the world.

(Nutritional Facts – 1 breast – 315 calories, 9 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 139 mg of cholesterol, 1360mg sodium, 5 grams of carbs, and 43 grams of protein)

Item: Genuine Broaster Chicken
Price: $5.99 (2-piece combo)
Purchased at: Huckleberry’s Sandwiches and Chicken (check store locator at Broaster.com)
Rating: 10 out of 10
Pros: Less fat than regular fried chicken. Breast meat is actually very moist. Skin is not greasy at all and well-flavored with cajun seasonings. Skin is light yet very crispy.
Cons: I’m assuming that quality may vary depending on the location. Getting tasered for shaking people at your local KFC. Thinking of me during your moment of ecstasy.

REVIEW: Tohato Ninja Snacks

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(Editor’s Note: I’m pretty sure they’re not called “Ninja Snacks,” but because there’s a frickin’ ninja on the packaging I’m calling them that.)

I’m not sure what ninjas like to snack on, but I can only assume it’s the blood and souls of their victims…and possibly Doritos, because the pointy chips are not only awesomely cheesy, they can also kill. Actually, ninjas could probably turn any food into a weapon, whether it be whole carrots, a half-eaten Twinkie, bananas, cooked spaghetti noodles, a Swanson fried chicken TV dinner, a stale roll from a soup kitchen, broccoli, scraps from a school cafeteria, whatever supermodels throw up, and these Tohato Ninja Snacks.

But do ninjas even need snacks? Aren’t they satisfied with the snaps of necks or the smacks they lay across an enemy’s face?

If ninjas do decide to use the Tohato Ninja Snacks as a food instead of a weapon, I’m not sure it would be wise to take them on a mission for several reasons. First off, they have a crunch to them, although it was a pretty unsatisfying crunch, like soggy popcorn, but a crunch nonetheless, which would affect any ninja’s stealth abilities no matter how slow they chew. A ninja without the capacity to not be seen or heard is like Tyra Banks without the capacity to not be seen or heard, both will bring certain doom.

Another reason why the Tohato Ninja Snacks wouldn’t be good for a ninja on an assignment is because they will make their fingers greasy. How is a ninja suppose to scale walls or hang out in a ceiling’s cranny or accurately throw shurikens with greasy fingers?

I’m not too sure what the Ninja Snacks are supposed to be shaped like, either ninjas, grappling hooks, or if you look at the two Ninja Snacks by themselves on the packaging, breakdancers. What I do know is that they taste like Fritos with a buttered movie theater popcorn aftertaste. It actually wasn’t too bad, but ninjas need something that won’t make them say, “Blech! My mouth tastes like I licked the floor at a showing of Pineapple Express.” Because doing so will get them killed.

Item: Tohato Ninja Snacks
Price: FREE
Purchased at: Given by TIB reader Fury
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Tastes like Fritos. Can be used as a weapon by a ninja. Not being able to hear Tyra Banks. Being a ninja.
Cons: Buttered movie theater popcorn aftertaste. Might be difficult to find. Makes fingers greasy. Unsatisfying crunch. Not good for ninjas on missions. Hearing Tyra Banks. Being killed by a ninja with supermodel barf.

Jack in the Box Caramel Iced Coffee

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Coffee superpower Starbucks has made a significant impact in the world. For some, it’s hard to imagine a world without Starbucks, so for those people I’ll use my imagination to give them an idea of it would be like. Without Starbucks, people wouldn’t spend days of their lives waiting in line for something called a Frappuccino; the term “Starbucks Run” wouldn’t exist, except in Battlestar Galactica; Borders and Barnes & Noble book stores would have more room for books; and we wouldn’t have mediocre iced coffee drinks from fast food restaurants that want to hitch onto the Starbucks coffee train, like the Jack in the Box Caramel Iced Coffee.

Flavored iced coffee was created for people who say they love coffee, but put so much cream and/or sugar in it that it turns the coffee into something that’s culinarily considered a dessert. I expected Jack in the Box to eventually come out with their own take on iced coffee, since both McDonald’s and Burger King each introduced an iced coffee within the past year.

It’s like these three fast food establishments are playing a game with consumers called Fat Fuck that involves one of them introducing a product and the others coming up with a variation of it, hoping that patrons will try all of them and choose the better one, which in turn causes the consumer to eat fast food more than they should, turning them into a fat fuck. It’s like the opposite of The Biggest Loser.

The Jack in the Box Caramel Iced Coffee, made from a blend of French roast coffee, had probably the least amount of caramel flavor legally possible before you can’t call it “caramel,” because I could hardly taste it. That lack of flavor made the beverage significantly more bitter than sweet, so it tasted pretty much like a normal iced coffee, which is another flavor Jack in the Box offers, along with vanilla. I tried the caramel one at two different Jack in the Box locations and both of them had an extremely light caramel flavor. Perhaps the only item that stands out about the Jack in the Box Caramel Iced Coffee is its inexpensive price, which makes Starbucks look like Neiman Marcus.

(Nutrition Facts – 16 ounces – 90 calories, 1.5 grams of fat, 1 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 55 milligrams of sodium, 250 milligrams of potassium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 16 grams of sugar, 4 grams of protein, and one more fast food chain trying to hitch onto the Starbucks train.)

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to TIB reader Molly for suggesting to subject my taste buds to this mediocre iced coffee.)

Item: Jack in the Box Caramel Iced Coffee
Price: $2.19 ($1.69 at most other JITB)
Size: 16 ounces
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Inexpensive. Low fat. It’s cold. Ice cubes. 90 calories for 16 ounces. It comes in a cup. Putting it on my nipples will give me a wonderful sensation.
Cons: Extremely light caramel flavor. Not for those who like their iced coffee to be more sweet than bitter. The efforts of fast food companies to hitch a ride on the Starbucks train. Playing Fat Fuck. The word Frappuccino.

Jack in the Box Nacho Cheese Burger

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Dear Jack,

I’ll get straight to the point with this letter. Please stop making new menu items, because I believe Death by Jack in the Box is no way to go. Your big white head that speaks telepathically might say that I have the option to choose between eating and not eating your food, but from a quasi-product review blog editor’s prospective, that’s not an option, because just like flies to shit, the lure of an intriguing new product will always direct me to your drive-thru, such is the case with your Jack in the Box Nacho Cheese Burger.

Please give your R&D people a break. I thought there were only so many things one could do with burgers, but your hard working R&D people have proven me wrong time and time again. They’ve put so many things in between buns that they probably would make the kinkiest gay German porn star blush.

With the influx of new Jack in the Box products recently, like the Hearty Breakfast Bowl, Cheesy Macaroni Bites, and Pita Snacks, it makes me wonder if your R&D department is a perpetual pregnant woman and their vagina has been stretched out so much that new ideas just fall out of them whenever they stand up.

I’m not sure how they conceive your products, and I really don’t want to see an awkward video of the fast food birds and the bees, but I’m kind of glad they gave birth to the very tasty Jack in the Box Nacho Cheese Burger, which is made up of a beef patty topped with a cheddar cheese sauce and sliced jalapenos in between a bun.

The jalapenos gave the burger a nice heat, but not enough to think I might have contracted a burning sensation from a drunken starlet. The cheddar cheese sauce added nicely to the burger’s flavor and was as gooey and as radioactive in color as I would expect. Perhaps the only real negative about the Jack in the Box Nacho Cheese Burger was its size, which I thought was kind of small, but then I remembered that I paid a reasonable buck and a half for one.

With that kind of ringing endorsement of the Jack in the Box Nacho Cheese Burger, you would think I would want more new products to try, but my body can only take so much and I think it’s nearing its limit of Jack in the Box food. So Jack, please cut back. I don’t want a heart attack.

Sincerely yours,

Marvo

(Nutrition Facts – 1 burger – Nutrition facts not available on website or I just couldn’t find them.)

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to TIB reader Jason for recommending the Jack in the Box Nacho Cheese Burger. If anyone else wants to recommend something, please make sure it’s a salad or something that won’t give me high blood pressure.)

Item: Jack in the Box Nacho Cheese Burger
Price: $1.49 ($1.29 everywhere else)
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Very tasty. Jalapenos gave it a good kick, but not too much of a kick. Reasonably priced.
Cons: Kind of small, so it probably won’t make a good lunch by itself. My attraction to new products that are probably bad for me. I couldn’t find nutritional information. Death by Jack in the Box.

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