Maxxed Energy Pop

/ / Reviews / 16 Comments

I think I’ve found the perfect “magic trick” for David Blaine, because it is neither magic nor a trick and it might kill him. I would like to see him consume every possible type of “energy” product at one time — drink an energy drink, swallow a Vivarin, suck on energy mints, wear energy lip balm, chew on energy gum, wash with energy body wash, apply caffeinated body lotion, eat energy candy, and suck on the Maxxed Energy Pop.

Oh, if only there were energy enemas and energy condoms.

Why would I want to do such a thing to a creepy illusionist? I want to do it for the children. A famous crackhead once said, “I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.” I want children to realize that caffeine, like the 40 milligrams of it in the Maxxed Energy Pop, is bad for them. Just like alcohol and anything after 11 p.m. on Cinemax, it’s meant for mature people.

I worry about the children, although I don’t really worry about their health. I worry about how hyper and annoying they could get with all those energy boosting products flowing through their bloodstream. Possibly so annoying that parents might spend evenings taking college science and engineering courses so that they can build a time machine to go back in time to get their tubes tied. Remember, children are our future. No children, no future.

Usually putting things into kids’ mouths will shut them up, but putting the radioactive green-colored Maxxed Energy Pop into a child’s mouth will do the opposite, if they can fit it into their mouth, since it’s roughly twice the size of a Tootsie Pop. After sucking on it a little bit, the smooth texture of the lollipop turned into coarse sandpaper, which was kind of off-putting. It was like the lollipop grew a five o’clock shadow in my mouth. Its flavor was sweet and little tart, which I enjoyed. What I didn’t enjoy was the packaging it came in. It maybe the treehugger in me talking, but it seemed kind of wasteful to have a lollipop come in a fake energy drink can made out of cardboard.

The two things I liked most about the Maxxed Energy Pop are the same two reasons why the erectile dysfunctional enjoy Viagra — they both are able to get us up and to sustain it for a good amount of time. I got a good energy kick from the caffeinated lollipop, which surprised me, since it only has 40 milligrams of caffeine. I think because it’s a lollipop, I’m able to slowly consume the caffeine and other energy elements, causing a sustained boost of energy. It took me about 30 minutes to suck down the entire Maxxed Energy Pop, which is a lot longer than it takes for me to consume an energy drink.

If I’m able to get a decent kick out of it, imagine what a little kid could do powered by a Maxxed Energy Pop. They could comb Barbie’s hair a little too rough, go a little too fast on their Heelys, and cause a Buddhist monk to break their decade long vow of silence by annoying the monk by singing the same Dora The Explorer song in a continuous loop. With those abilities, if I do see a kid sucking on a Maxxed Energy Pop, I will do what’s best and take it from them — and if they’re holding a balloon, I’ll pop that too. Oh, I’ll also tell them that Santa Claus isn’t real and they were an accident.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 pop – 90 calories, 0 grams of fat, 5 milligrams of sodium, 24 grams of carbohydrates, 16 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, 45% niacin, 30% vitamin B12, 120% vitamin B6, 15% pantothenic acid, 500 milligrams taurine, 50 milligrams of D-Glucuronolactone, 40 milligrams of caffeine, 6650 micrograms of guarana, 6650 micrograms of panax ginseng, 50 micrograms of inositol, and 0.9 ounces of green)

Item: Maxxed Energy Pop
Price: $1.15
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Sweet and tart flavor. Sustained energy boost because it’s a lollipop. Sweet, sweet caffeine. Long lasting pop. Cinemax after 11 p.m.
Cons: Coarse sandpaper texture. Overpriced for a sucker. Wasteful packaging. Children consuming caffeine. David Blaine. Listening to a kid sing the same song over and over and over and over and over and over and over.

Tyson Any’tizers Cheddar & Jalapeno Chicken Bites

/ / Reviews / 20 Comments

Tyson likes to tout themselves as a family brand that gives the family a good source of protein so that the family can come together as a family during family time. Basically, they like to cram the word “family” as much as they can into every commercial while throwing in the occasional “wholesome” and “nutritious.” How, then, can they justify selling this?

This, of course, is their new Any’tizers line of products which feature such strange treats as bacon/cheddar chicken bites and Burger King-style chicken fries. Tyson says that this line is necessary in the world of frozen food because “snacking has become the fourth meal in today’s busy households.” However, we all know that Taco Bell is in fact Fourthmeal (Yes, that’s how they spell it), so I’m not sure who they’re trying to fool.

I decided to try it out anyways and went for their cheddar jalapeno chicken bites. These are three ingredients that I love on their own, but I was certainly skeptical of their ability to be tasty in deep fried ball form. I don’t believe that I’ve ever had processed chicken mixed with cheese, but I figured that I love Oscar Meyer cheese dogs, so it couldn’t be all that bad.

I was mostly right. The image of melted cheddar oozing out of the chicken is undeniably strange, but the flavor is suitably mild. I actually enjoyed the jalapeno in the bite as it was spicy without being overbearing. I tested it on various dipping sauces, from ranch to ketchup, even digging through my fridge for some salsa con queso as seen on the box. I found that it tasted best on its own, as sauces masked its flavors.

These won’t replace regular chicken nuggets for me, but it’s a tasty treat for kids and those gross people who enjoy mixing their food together as they eat.

(Nutritional Facts – 4 pieces – 200 calories, 100 calories from fat, 11 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 35 mg of cholesterol, 450mg sodium, 13 grams of carbs, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 0 grams of sugar, 13 grams of protein, 0% Vitamin A, 0% Vitamin C, 8% Calcium, and 4% Iron)

Item: Tyson Any’tizers Cheddar & Jalapeno Chicken Bites
Price: $3.79
Purchased at: Albertsons
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Real jalapenos give it a spicy kick. Cheddar cheese flavor is mild. Pretty tasty without need for dipping sauce.
Cons: Processed chicken means that the bites won’t please more adult palates. Some would find the combination of flavors off-putting. Pricier than regular chicken nuggets. Tyson trying to steal Fourthmeal from Taco Bell.

Winners of Potato/Fruit Crisps!!!

/ / General, Prize Drawing / 7 Comments

Winning isn’t the only thing in life. There’s also losing. Occasionally, there are ties. What I’m trying to say at 1:00 in the morning is that sometimes you win some and sometimes you lose some. For 30-something of you who participated, you lost. For six of you, you won a sample of Brother-All-Natural crisps…and possibly wasted all your winning mojo and will never win anything again.

Winners were randomly chosen out of an empty Brothers-All-Natural potato crisps bag (Me likey the recycley). Here are the six winners of the Brothers-All-Natural products:

Comment #7 – jtmoney
Comment #23 – Erika
Comment #24 – rossitron
Comment #17 – Kylie
Comment #14 – Echo810
Comment #32 – Tiff

Each winner will receive either a sample of Brothers-All-Natural fruit crisps or potato crisps.

Thanks to everyone who participated!

REVIEW: Nissin Homestyle Chicken Flavor Cup Noodles Premium

/ / Reviews / 26 Comments

Cup Noodles is pretty much the lowest common denominator when it comes to food and it is so cheap that I believe it is the one thing you can steal from a store and not get punished for it. With it being on the bottommost level of the food chart with Wonder Bread and O’Douls non-alcoholic beer, the only way for it to go is up, and it has, albeit just a little, with the Nissin Homestyle Chicken Flavor Cup Noodles Premium.

You see that word “premium?” Not many goods can have it attached to them. It’s reserved for products that are the finest of the fine, the distinct of the distinctive, and the overpriced of the overpriced. Only things like beer, condoms, wines, chocolates, coffee, hookers, diapers, beef jerky, crackers, maple syrups, teas, nuts, toothpastes, personal lubricants, cake mixes, liquor, water, canned fish, vitamins, band-aids, doggie treats, canned poultry, macaroni & cheese, brownie mixes, shampoos, conditioners, honey, breads, muffin mixes, and dozens more can have the label of “premium” affixed to them.

What puts the “premium” in the Nissin Homestyle Chicken Flavor Cup Noodles Premium? Nissin thinks it’s the chicken-flavored powder and freeze-dried chicken meat that gives it its “homestyle chicken flavor.”

I will wait while you throw up a little in your mouth after hearing “freeze-dried chicken meat.”

Yes, freeze-drying food is usually reserved for astronauts and cereal marshmallows, but the Noodle Nancies at Nissin have created a way to have freeze-dried poultry in a well-insulated, environmentally-unfriendly styrofoam cup. I guess it goes well with the freeze-dried vegetables in it.

While Nissin believes one thing, I personally believe what makes it “premium” is not the freeze-dried chicken meat, it’s the font used to make the word “premium.” If graphic design has taught us anything, it’s that script fonts instantly make things high-class. Having a bikini baby oil wrestling match? Turn something crass into something with class by using script fonts on the promotional posters and flyers. Would you believe something is “premium” if they spelled it in serif or sans serif fonts? I think not.

The premium you’re going to pay to have the pleasure of consuming this slightly higher quality cup of noodles is going to be around 20 to 30 cents more. Surprisingly, the freeze-dried chicken kind of tastes like the chicken in Campbell’s Chicken Noodle soup, which is either a good thing, if you’re Nissin, or a bad thing, if you’re Campbell’s. The broth has a natural chicken flavor with a bit of onion and it even looks more natural than the yellow stuff you get with the regular chicken flavored Cup Noodles. Despite that naturalness, I kind of prefer the original version, since the idea of freeze-dried chicken kind of freaks me out and the whole thing smells funny.

If you want to spend a little bit more on your Cup Noodles for those special occasions, and still want an amount of sodium that can kill small rodents, the Nissin Homestyle Chicken Flavor Cup Noodles Premium is perfect for you.

Or you could just steal it.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 container – 310 calories, 12 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, less than 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 1180 milligrams of sodium, 42 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 3 grams of sugar, 8 grams of protein, 20% Vitamin A, 4% Calcium, 20% Iron, and 85 cents less loose change to jingle.)

Item: Nissin Homestyle Chicken Flavor Cup Noodles Premium
Price: 85 cents
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: More natural chicken flavor than regular chicken flavored Cup Noodles. 3 minutes to prepare, less if you prefer your noodles al dente. Zero trans fat.
Cons: Freeze-dried chicken. Smells funny. Mmm…over 1,000 milligrams of sodium. A little bit more expensive. As unhealthy as regular Cup Noodles. Throwing up a little in your mouth.

New Kids on the Block – Summertime

/ / Reviews / 23 Comments

I just found my summer jam, y’all! New Kids on the Block “Summertime.” I’m going to bump this track in my white 2003 Toyota Corolla LE that only elderly Asian women seem to drive with stock speakers, stock CD player, and my loan paid off on it. HOLLAAA!

It’s better than my previous summer jam, Riskay’s “Smell Yo Dick.”

I can’t believe I’m saying a New Kids on the Block song is a good song. Sure, the sweet, sugary, and simple lyrics will make my teeth fall out because some dude is going to punch me in the mouth for playing it too loud. But what do you expect? It’s a boy band pop song, which usually lack metaphors, substance, and the ability to impress women when I’m bumping it in my ride.

It would be easy for me to dismiss the song as typical radio-friendly, boy band crap, and then say I listen to sophisticated music like the rock band The Decemberists, hip-hop artist Aesop Rock, or any other band that you’ve probably never heard of, but that would make me a snobby music asshole. It would also make me a liar, because according to iTunes I have played this really catchy song 34 times since purchasing it on May 13th, and I’m pretty sure I know all the lyrics by now.

With your flip flops, half shirt, short shorts, mini skirt,
Walkin’ on the beach, so pretty,
You wasn’t lookin’ for a man,
When you saw me in the sand,
But you fell for the boy from the city.

As you can tell from the lyrics above, the song is about a girl, duh! What boy band song isn’t? They’re reminiscing about a summer love that happened many years ago when acidwashed jeans were cool and Donnie Wahlberg didn’t have a receding hairline. I like to reflect about old loves as well, but unfortunately when I do, it doesn’t involve writing and singing a song about them. Instead it involves me and my therapist or me and a bottle of vodka, both of which results in me crying and yelling, “You think you’re better than me!” Also, I don’t know about you, but to me, it’s always weird when five guys are singing about one particular girl. It just seems like a musical gangbang with a bukkake of vocals.

The song is not perfect. The first few notes of this little ditty made me think New Kids on the Block was going to break out into a reggae song and it would’ve been nice if there was a little edge to it, like there was with “Hangin’ Tough.” I guess what I’m trying to say is that the song really needed a Donnie Wahlberg rap somewhere. Or even a Marky Mark cameo would’ve been cool. I don’t know if Donnie has the skills to pay the bills when it comes to rhyming anymore, so I wrote some funky fresh lines that could be stuck in between the second and third verses.

Sippin’ on milkshake was how we would spend our time.
Why no alcohol? Because we were too young for wine.
I got to first base, I slid to second, but didn’t go for three.
We didn’t go all the way, because I believed in celibacy.
Now all that are just memories of a summer’s past.
Looking back, I really, really regret not tappin’ yo’ ass.

(Editor’s Note: Relive the 1980s and 1990s with these three NKOTB videos: You Got It (The Right Stuff), Hangin’ Tough, and my personal favorite, Step by Step. Also, to celebrate the NKOTB reunion, I decorated my computer’s desktop for the occasion, which you can see below. That’s right, I’m hardcore.)

Item: New Kids on the Block – Summertime
Price: 99 cents
Purchased at: iTunes Store
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Catchy pop song. Acidwashed jeans in the 1980s-1990s. My NKOTB wallpaper and hard drive icons. Paid off my car loan.
Cons: Admitting that I actually like this song and losing any musical cred I had. No Donnie Wahlberg rap. Acidwashed jeans in the 21st century.

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