Tag: Energy Drink

REVIEW: Tab Energy

Marvo 21 Comments

Tab Energy

Once upon a time, there was a pretty pretty pink pop princess named Tab, who preferred to be called the Pretty Pretty Pink Pop Princess. The Pretty Pretty Pink Pop Princess was a diet soda pop pioneer, appearing in 1963.

Over the years, the Pretty Pretty Pink Pop Princess had gone through plenty of changes to prolong her popularity. However, despite switching sweeteners from cyclamate to saccharin to aspartame, she could not stave off the slowdown of her sales and soon she began seeing less and less of herself on the shelves.

One Sunday, while staring at VH1, she saw Ashlee Simpson and came to the assessment that if the Simpson sibling could simulate being punk and become stylish, so could she.

The Pretty Pretty Pink Pop Princess went through a punishing process to become punk by pumping herself with a power pack of herbal pieces, which produced quite a punch.

She gobbled ginseng, guarana, taurine, and carnitine, which got into her gut. Despite being stuffed with 95 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine, she slimmed down significantly and was less than what she started with in the sixties.

Her wardrobe was like something Jackie O would wear. Her outer packaging pigment may have been pink, which she put on with pride, but she wanted to present herself in pink both on the outside and inside. So she soared to Los Angeles to see surgeons who could assist her with her situation.

Vegetable juice was what they provided, which gave the Pretty Pretty Pink Pop Princess the inner pink pigment she aspired to possess, and now she was prepared to be popular again.

So she was released into society as Tab Energy to see how citizens would respond to her sharp sassy taste.

Some said she tasted sweet and sour like a Jolly Rancher and some jackass at some quasi-product review blog said she tasted like a vinaigrette salad dressing with a sucralose aftertaste.

With considerable amounts of caffeine, B vitamins, and Chinese herbs, Tab Energy could be the consummate low-calorie caffeine kick Kate Moss could consume to keep awake in case cocaine wasn’t close by.

Now the Pretty Pretty Pink Pop Princess personally felt that going punk helped her popularity. However, the Pretty Pretty Pink Pop Princess’ popularity probably won’t persist, because pretending to be punk didn’t work for Ashlee Simpson.

Item: Tab Energy
Purchase Price: $1.99 (10.5-ounce can)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Even though it tasted like salad dressing, I kind of liked the taste. 95 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine, more than Vault and Mountain Dew. Sexier than the original Tab, so I’d totally do her, but then again I’d probably do the original Tab as well. Easy to drink since it’s less carbonated. Five calories.
Cons: Tasted like salad dressing with a sucralose aftertaste, which many probably won’t like. Pricey for a 10.5-ounce can. Not a very manly energy drink. Ashlee Simpson’s attempts to be punk.

Vault

Marvo 31 Comments

Whenever something comes back from the dead and rises out of its grave, I usually expect flesh-eating zombies or a new Tupac Shakur album.

However, this time around what came back from the dead was a citrus soda called Surge, which now has the witness protection agency-like name of Vault. After Surge was killed off, there was a movement to bring back Surge, and Vault was the result of it.

It’s Coke’s answer to the ever popular, totally xtreme, and Yellow No. 5 containing Mountain Dew. As someone who has done the dew way too many times, I noticed that there are some minor similarities between Vault and Mountain Dew.

1. They both come in the same green that the radioactive rod shown during the opening of the Simpsons comes in.

2. They are both citrusy. Although, Vault does have a better citrus taste, which sort of reminded me of a Sprite.

That’s pretty much it for the similarities.

On the other hand, the differences between the two are pretty significant.

1. I felt Vault was easier to drink than Mountain Dew, because it doesn’t have the same bite as Mountain Dew. However, it’s not as easy to drink as Vault’s clear, caffeine-free, wussy-ass, and 7-Up wannabe cousin, Sprite.

2. Vault has more caffeine than Mountain Dew. A 12-ounce serving of Vault contains 70.5 milligrams of caffeine, while Mountain Dew has 55 milligrams per 12-ounce serving. It may not seem like much, but that difference could mean being able to stay up to watch the ENTIRE unedited Lord of the Rings trilogy or just the edited-for-TV version of the Fellowship of the Ring.

Or for those of you who want a porn reference, a can of Mountain Dew will probably get you through the Whore of the Rings I, while a can of Vault will maybe get you through Whore of the Rings I, II, III, and maybe IV and V.

So which one do I prefer? It’s hard to choose one because I really like them both. It’s sort of like choosing cute kittens at kittenwar dot com.

However, due to the bite of Mountain Dew, I would probably drink one if I needed a slap-to-the-balls-type of wake up. However, if I wanted something easier to drink and with more caffeine, I would do the Vault.

Although, I probably could get the same slap-to-the-balls feeling with the Vault, if I slapped my balls with a Vault bottle.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Alena, Rob, and Damien for suggesting Surge…Er, I mean Vault to review.)

Item: Vault
Purchase Price: 89 cents (20-ounce)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Easier to drink than Mountain Dew. Good citrus taste. 70.5 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine in every 12-ounce serving. New Tupac albums after his death. Kittenwar.com
Cons: Its green color reminds me of the radioactive rod shown during the Simpsons intro. A slap to the balls. Flesh-eating zombies.

Jones Soda Whoop Ass Energy Drink

Marvo 11 Comments

Whoop Ass Energy Drink, eh? You’re more like Whoop-De-Doo or the one-hit wonder, “Whoop! There It Is!”

You maybe the champ now, but when Wrestle Wreckage IV on pay-per-view passes, that title belt you have is either going to be around The Reviewer’s waist or around your neck.

Don’t take The Reviewer lightly, Whoop Ass Energy Drink.

The Reviewer ISN’T Gene Shalit! The Reviewer ISN’T Roger Ebert! The Reviewer ISN’T Dustin Rowles!

But The Reviewer IS going to kick your ass at Wrestle Wreckage IV.

The Reviewer doesn’t care if you bring your caffeine, taurine, inositol, ginseng, and guarana. It’s enough to give The Reviewer energy when The Reviewer is reviewing, but it’s not enough to kick The Reviewers ass. Heck, bring your donkey, hippopotamus, elephant, and duckbilled platypus, because it’s still not enough.

There’s no doubt that I will beat you at Wrestle Wreckage IV. The odds of me winning the World Championship belt from you are better than the odds that either Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson, or Luke Wilson will be in the next Ben Stiller movie.

You don’t impress me with your 310% thiamin, 310% riboflavin, 100% niacin, and 260% vitamin B6, because the only numbers that really matter are these two 12-inch guns I have right here.

Oh yeah!

With these two 12-inch guns, I’m going to bitch slap the green color right out of you. And speaking of things coming out, your citrus taste is more like a spit-this taste. It tasted bitter and sweet, like I was sucking on a Louie-Bloo Raspberry Otter Pop plastic tube.

Finally, what’s up with the red and white stripes? Are you a candy cane? Are you a barber shop pole? Are you a candystriper? Well you’re going to need candystripers when I’m done with you after Wrestle Wreckage IV on pay-per-view.

You may think you have The Reviewer’s spirit down after you attacked The Reviewer the other night with a steel chair and slammed The Reviewer through a table when The Reviewer was wrestling The Wall, but I reviewed your poor attempt at bringing me down, and I have to say that it sucked worse than a Creed CD.

But the next time you step in the ring, you better watch out, because The Reviewer will be watching with a steel chair. Also, here a little nugget for you to remember, steel is stronger than aluminum.

But you know what? When we get to Wrestle Wreckage IV, it doesn’t matter whether it’s steel or aluminum, bitter or sweet, candy cane or candystriper, or donkey or platypus, because when The Reviewer gets you into The Reviewer’s finishing move, The Final Verdict, The Reviewer is going to crush you.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Jim for sending me a can of Whoop Ass and for not opening a can of whoop ass on me, because I’m pretty sure he could totally kick my ass, hang me on a hook by my underwear, and have people pay one dollar to throw eggs at me.)

Item: Jones Soda Whoop Ass Energy Drink
Purchase Price: FREE (Thanks, Jim!)
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Pros: My finishing move, The Final Verdict. Lots of energy, but not enough to kick my ass. My two 12-inch guns.
Cons: Bitter taste. “Whoop! There It Is!” Steel chairs.

Arizona Low Carb Extreme Energy Shot

Marvo 16 Comments

I want to thank Arizona Beverage Company for creating such a courteous energy drink.

Usually energy drinks have designs that look like things that probably appear in Kate Moss’ head after doing a few lines of coke, but Arizona Beverage Company had the courtesy to put a big, bold caution label on its Low Carb Extreme Energy Shot, letting everyone know that it may suck big time.

So does it suck?

It sucks hard, but not as hard as you think.

It’s got most of the energy goodness of regular energy drinks, like B vitamins, taurine, ribose, carnitine, ginseng, inositol, guarana, and 100 milligrams of sweet, succulent caffeine, but it didn’t seem to give me the ass-slapping jolt that I’ve gotten with regular energy drinks.

The lack of ass slapping might’ve been from the fact that the Low Carb Extreme Energy Shot is lightly carbonated, so it’s easy going down, like water, a flat lemon-lime soda, or the TV show Joey after drinking extreme amounts of alcohol.

Or it could’ve been the cocaine-looking Splenda, which apparently has the power to take out the “extreme” in the Low Carb Extreme Energy Shot. Damn you, Splenda! You are the bane of my existence! You are the thread that unravels the seam of my shirt! You are the drunken Tara Reid of my celebrity party!

The Low Carb Extreme Energy Shot has a slightly weak medicine taste, but it’s also got a weak fruit juice taste, thanks to the 3 percent pear, apple, and peach juice it contains. Peach juice? God, they’re making juice out of everything. Damn you, Jack LaLanne and your Power Juicer!

Another thing that was weak about the Low Carb Extreme Energy Shot was the size of the 8.3-ounce can. This small can was a surprising departure from the usual 23.5-ounce cans that Arizona Beverage Company uses for most of their products, which sell for 99 cents. But again, the big caution label on the front of the Low Carb Extreme Energy Shot can was probably also warning me about the size of it.

If only other products would have the courtesy to put big, bold caution labels on its packaging, it would probably save me and you a whole lot of time and money.

For example, imagine having a warning on a Britney Spears CD.

Caution: This CD may cause your daughters to see Britney as a role model, when she definitely shouldn’t be; settle for an ambition-less husband, who won’t get a job; and make them say “y’all” way too much.

Item: Arizona Low Carb Extreme Energy Shot
Purchase Price: $1.00 (on sale)
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Pros: Warning label, letting me know that it’s going to suck. 100% of your daily allowance of Vitamin C. 100 mg of sweet, sweet caffeine. Low calorie, fat, carbs, and sugar. Goes down easy.
Cons: Watery taste. Splenda. Weird aftertaste. Only 3 percent juice.

REVIEW: Monster Energy XXL

Marvo 23 Comments

After I quickly chugged down all 23.5 ounces of Monster Energy XXL shotgun-style, I was afraid with all the caffeine in my body, I was going to do something rash, like wrestle a bear, tackle a homeless person, watch Taradise on the E! Channel, or become a Scientologist.

Fortunately, none of that happened, but I was totally wired. Although not as wired as that time I took two Vivarin to pull an all-nighter to study for my Japanese 202 final, which caused my hands to shake constantly through the entire exam.

And let me tell you, it isn’t easy writing complicated kanji characters when my hands are shaking like I’m trying to disarm a bomb or unhook a woman’s bra for the first time.

With the complex art of kanji writing, one mess up could mean the difference between writing, “I think you have nice eyes,” and “I think your eyebrows look like furry minks ready to mate.”

Anyway, I possibly had unhealthy amounts caffeine, taurine, and guarana flowing through my bloodstream and I felt like a kid with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder who forgot to take his Ritalin.

I wasn’t shaking, but I was restless and needed to find something to do to help burn off that energy at 10 o’clock at night. At that point, I wished I had a Playstation 2, a girlfriend, or a bear to wrestle.

In my ADHD state, I cleaned my bathroom, watched an episode of Robot Chicken, separated my socks by pairs, arranged by boxers by color, ironed my t-shirts, and arranged my Playboy magazine collection by blondes, brunettes, and redhead Playmates.

However, despite doing all of that, I didn’t end up going to sleep until three in the morning.

As for the Monster Energy Drink itself, it’s the Impulsive Buy’s favorite energy drink ever, because is doesn’t have that typical medicine-like taste that other energy drinks have and it’s pretty sweet.

A regular can of Monster Energy is 16 ounces, but the Monster Energy XXL is 23.5 ounces. Of course, this means 7.5 more ounces of caffeine, taurine, guarana, goodness.

Yes, the can is impressive, but I think some of you may be more impressed with the fact that the Monster Energy XXL can would make an excellent bong.

But then again, what wouldn’t make an excellent bong?

(Editor’s Note: For more energy drink reviews go visit Jason and Angie at screamingenergy.com.)

Item: Monster Energy XXL
Purchase Price: $2.79
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Excellent flavor. 23.5 ounces of Monster goodness. Aluminum can might make for a great bong.
Cons: Hard to sleep after drinking entire can after 10 pm. Writing kanji with shaky hands. Wrestling with bears.