REVIEW: Burger King Angus Bacon & Cheese Steak Burger

Burger King Angus Bacon & Cheese Steak Burger

Honestly, there’s something slightly wrong with eating a burger whose name is a dropped letter “g” away from being called something that’s a part of my own ass.

I actually tried the original Angus Steak Burger when it first came out and I really didn’t think much of it. However, due to the influx of annoying Angus Diet advertisements I felt compelled to try it again, hoping it would please the Advertising Gods and make those commercials go away. Unfortunately, my theory didn’t work.

I think if I ate a heart attack’s worth of Angus Steak Burgers, only then would I be able to get away from those damn commercials, unless heaven has basic cable.

So what exactly is Anus…I mean Angus beef? What makes it so special?

Apparently, only 8 percent of the beef in the United States can be considered Angus beef. It’s known for it outstanding juiciness, tenderness, and flavor. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find out if the Angus beef comes from the ass of a cow, since I think that’s how Angus got its name.

Enough with the slaughterhouse lesson, let’s talk about the rest of the burger which consists of fire-grilled onions, cap leaf lettuce, red ripe tomatoes, freshly toasted corn-dusted buns, signature steak sauce, juicy bacon, and slightly melted cheese.

I don’t know whose signature is on the steak sauce, but they should definitely erase their signature, because this peppery sauce isn’t very good. Not as peppery as the Salt and Pepper Pringles Potato Chips, but it doesn’t add much to the burger. Besides, if the Angus beef is so damn good, why add some weak sauce to cover it?

Despite the sauce, the Angus Bacon and Cheese Steak Burger isn’t a bad burger. It’s big and thick, like all burgers should be and the Angus beef is actually pretty tasty, when the sauce doesn’t get in the way. The burger is kind of pricey, but I guess if you’re getting beef that consists of only 8 percent of all the beef in the U.S., there should be a premium on it.

Then again, should there really be a premium on a burger that I might accidentally (or purposely) order as the Anus Steak Burger.

Item: Burger King Angus Bacon and Cheese Steak Burger
Purchase Price: $5.39 (Value Meal)
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Big, thick burger. Angus beef.
Cons: Signature steak sauce isn’t very good. A little expensive. I wish they would change the name, because I don’t like the images of shaking cow butts in my head.

REVIEW: McDonald’s Crispy Chicken Bacon Ranch Sandwich

Bacon Ranch Sandwich

The best way to describe the McDonald’s Crispy Chicken Bacon Ranch Sandwich is call it the result of a wild sex romp between a McChicken Sandwich and a Crispy Chicken Bacon Ranch Salad.

Imagine the oily and wet action with lettuce flying everywhere and sesame seed buns being slapped.

Oh yeah!

Oh wait! What were we talking about again?

Oh yes. After eating the Crispy Chicken Bacon Ranch Sandwich value meal, I have to say that I’m not impressed with it at all. Hence my attempt to make it seem exciting with my “What if they got it on?” introduction.

Nothing really stood out with the sandwich. The ranch sauce wasn’t anything special; I know I could buy a better tasting ranch dressing from the national grocery store chain I shop at. The lettuce was iceberg lettuce, which doesn’t have much nutritional value, but then again if you’re buying fast food, you’re probably not too worried about nutritional value.

I think my friend was right to ridicule me for breaking my no-fast-food rule by going to McDonald’s. Their menu just isn’t very exciting and the food isn’t very good.

The only things I would go to McDonald’s for are their French fries and $1 hot fudge sundaes. Mmm, $1 hot fudge sundae… Mmm…

I’ll be right back.

(15 minutes later)

Ooh, $1 hot fudge sundae.

Oh crap, I got hot fudge on my keyboard.

Dammit! They didn’t give me any napkins! Why don’t they EVER give me napkins?

Well I’m too lazy to walk to the kitchen to get a paper towel, so I guess I’m going to have to lick it off.

There, it’s gone.

Man, this review was as boring as the McDonald’s Crispy Chicken Bacon Ranch Sandwich.

Maybe I should get back to writing about the salad tossing sex romp?

Item: McDonald’s Crispy Chicken Bacon Ranch Sandwich
Purchase Price: $4.99 (value meal)
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: I got a $1 hot fudge sundae.
Cons: Nothing impressive. Uses crappy iceberg lettuce. Ranch sauce wasn’t very good.