REVIEW: Smucker’s Uncrustables Roll-Ups

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Smucker s Uncrustables Turkey Colby Jack Roll Ups

What are Smucker’s Uncrustables Turkey & Colby Jack and Uncured Ham & Cheddar Roll-Ups?

Uncrustables branches out into more than just round crust-less pocket sandwiches with the launch of two new thaw-and-eat roll-ups. One is Turkey and Colby Jack that contains smoked turkey breast, Colby, Monterey Jack, and Neufchâtel cheeses with seasoning in flatbread. The other is uncured ham and cheddar consisting of uncured ham, cheddar, and Neufchâtel cheeses in flatbread.

Smucker s Uncrustables Uncured Ham Cheddar Roll Ups

How are they?

These are adorable little lunch meat pinwheels, just like if a sushi roll and a sandwich for your lunch box had a baby. Both flavors are presented in perfectly bite-sized morsels and, considering that they were just frozen, the flatbread turns out surprisingly well as it is nice and soft. A little pillowy even!!

Smucker s Uncrustables Turkey Colby Jack Roll Ups Closeup
Smucker’s Uncrustables Turkey & Colby Jack Roll-Ups Closeup

The components are well balanced here. Flatbread softness comes in upon the first bite, followed by the punch of the cheese. For the Turkey one, the finish is a nice blend of seasoning, definitely an oniony garlic flavor. The ham one doesn’t have any seasoning for some reason, but maybe it’s because the ham’s flavor is stronger and offers a savory, briny ending to the roll.

Smucker s Uncrustables Uncured Ham Cheddar Roll Ups Closeup
Smucker’s Uncrustables Uncured Ham & Cheddar Roll-Ups Closeup

I was unfamiliar with Neufchâtel cheese before this and couldn’t believe that these contain such a fancy cheese. I’m mean just look at that circumflex!!! (It’s the line above the a so you pronounce it like “ah”) I dissected the roll-up and it has a cream cheese-like consistency and flavor. Without a condiment like mustard or mayo, this helped to give another dimension, a nice creamy aspect, to the whole experience.

Is there anything else you need to know?

Smucker s Uncrustables Roll Ups Wrapers

Lots of directions on these: Keep frozen until ready to thaw. Thaw for two hours, eat immediately. For on-the-go use, include ice pack, eat within six hours. Do not microwave. Do not refreeze once thawed. The most important one is the second one. Make sure you wait a full two hours before indulging. I got a little anxious on these my first try and bit into frozen meat. Not pleasant at all.

These also seem to be a resurgence for the Uncrustables brand. There are two heat and eat options (hyperlink to spotting of those other flavors?) that debuted at the same time. KEEP ‘EM COMING SMUCKERS!!!! Can you let me know why a fluffernutter OG one has not happened yet, though? Thanks.

Conclusion:

I haven’t had Uncrustables in a while, so I was super excited to try these new offerings. And even with my high expectations, I was blown away by them. They are delicious! A perfect little multi-layered snack, and I probably could have downed both boxes if I wasn’t careful.

I have always been a turkey fan over ham so I would have to give that one the edge. Also, the seasoning on that one was a nice touch. You can’t go wrong with either one, though, and I would highly recommend these for kid’s lunch boxes and for all the kid-like adults longing for a scrumptious snack to bring them back to the simple time of their childhood innocence.

Purchased Price: $4.99 each
Size: 7.8 oz. box/3 pouches
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 10 out of 10 (Turkey & Colby Jack), 9 out of 10 (Uncured Ham & Cheddar)
Nutrition Facts: (1 pouch) Turkey & Colby Jack – 190 calories, 8 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 450 milligrams of sodium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 3 grams of sugar, and 10 grams of protein. Uncured Ham & Cheddar – 190 calories, 8 grams of fat, 4 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 470 milligrams of sodium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 3 grams of sugar and 9 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Smucker’s Uncrustables Taco Bites and BBQ Chicken Bites

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Smucker s Uncrustables Taco Bites and BBQ Chicken Bites

What are Smucker’s Uncrustables Taco Bites and BBQ Chicken Bites?

Smucker’s Uncrustables is stepping outside of its proven sweet-based lineup and into the savory space with two heat-and-eat “meat in bread” items — BBQ Chicken Bites and Taco Bites. Uncrustables has done grilled cheese before, but now we’re talking full-on USDA approved animal products, ya’ll.

How are they?

First, let’s assume these are targeted toward and made for kids. They have a different palate than (most) adults, so I set my expectations at “they should be as good as any other kid-food option.”

Smucker s Uncrustables Taco Bites 2

I started with the Taco Bites, hoping for that standard taco seasoning flavor and some cheesy goodness since the front of the package said these included cheese. I used the printed microwave heating directions since there weren’t any for a toaster oven.

Smucker s Uncrustables Taco Bites 3

Biting into these was like biting into a black hole. I know my jaw closed, but around what? The bread on the outside was a dry whole wheat bun. There was an aftertaste of taco seasoning like it was a distant childhood memory, but that was about it. The filling-to-bread ratio was way off, with every bite being mostly dry bread followed by a little bit of the beef crumble.

Smucker s Uncrustables Taco Bites 4

For the second bite in the pouch, I tore off the top layer of bread and folded the rest in half to try to simulate doubling the meat filling. This was much better and led to my discovering that the seasoning on the beef itself is pretty good when it’s not battling the flavor sucking sponge of the whole wheat bun prison it’s delivered in. I predict many a kid will eat the yummy filling and leave the bread exoskeleton behind.

Smucker s Uncrustables BBQ Chicken Bites 5

With my expectations significantly lowered, I moved on to the BBQ Chicken Bites. The same microwave directions had my food ready in 40 seconds.

Smucker s Uncrustables BBQ Chicken Bites 6

The bread used in the BBQ Chicken version was SO MUCH BETTER. It was moist (yeah, I said it) almost like a wheat brioche and was an immediate improvement. The filling was too sweet for my BBQ preferences, but, again, assuming this is for kids, I can see why it leaned into sweet BBQ instead of smoky or savory. The poultry pieces were surprisingly large and looked like legit whole shredded chicken breast meat. There was also a definitive sauciness to the inside that was lacking in the taco version.

Is there anything else you need to know?

I mean, they certainly don’t have a crust. Moniker appeased.

Also, I can see where the crazed parent, desperate to get food into their screaming hungry kid’s mouth, would appreciate something that’s pretty impressively balanced in nutrition and ready in 40 seconds.

Conclusion:

I’m always a fan when a brand innovates outside of its proven space. I think these bites, overall, were designed for kids with care and consideration (I mean, only 170 milligrams of sodium in two BBQ Chicken Bites means someone was paying attention when these were developed).

That being said, the Taco Bites have a lot of room for improvement (please switch the bread. PLEASE!) before I’d buy them again. The Chicken BBQ Bites were pretty delicious even for “kid food,” and I’ll be happy to munch on them as afternoon snacks (there’s not enough food to be an adult meal, that’s for sure) until they’re gone.

Purchased Price: $3.99 each
Size: 6 oz. box/3 pouches
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 4 out of 10 (Taco Bites), 7 out of 10 (BBQ Chicken Bites)
Nutrition Facts: (1 twin pack pouch) Taco Bites – 160 Calories, 5 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 310 milligrams of sodium, 16 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, and 6 grams of protein. BBQ Chicken Bites – 130 Calories, 3.5 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 170 milligrams of sodium, 18 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 5 grams of sugar, and 8 grams of protein.

REVIEW: SPAM Breaded Pork Patties

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SPAM Breaded Pork Patties

I had HUGE plans for these SPAM Breaded Pork Patties.

I hoped to top one with pineapple chutney and then put it on a bed of homemade coleslaw with a side of mashed sweet potatoes.

Then I wanted to drizzle another one with a made-from-scratch barbecue sauce, top it with a slice of smoked gouda and coleslaw, and put in a toasted King’s Hawaiian dinner roll.

Another idea was to place it on a bed of steaming rice, smother that with gravy made from SPAM drippings, top all that with a fried quail egg, and then add a side of coleslaw.

However, much like I have no idea why coleslaw is involved with every recipe, I also have no idea how to make chutney, mashed sweet potatoes, barbecue sauce, gravy from SPAM drippings, or coleslaw. So none of my HUGE plans came to fruition.

SPAM Breaded Pork Patties Curry

Instead, I added them to my Japanese curry, which I do know how to make because it only involves boiling the water the curry mix dissolves in. I also stuck one in a breakfast sandwich for SPAMs and giggles. In both preparations, they were enjoyable.

SPAM Breaded Pork Patties Frozen

SPAM Breaded Pork Patties Baked

The patties, of which there are 18, look smaller than slices one would get from a slab of SPAM, even with the breading. I’m talking width and length. When it comes to thickness, the image on the box doesn’t accurately show how thin they are in real life.

SPAM Breaded Pork Patties Thin

There are three ways to prepare the frozen patties — oven, stovetop, or air fryer. I went with my toaster oven because my kitchen hasn’t moved into the present with all those fancy doodads, like them Instagram Neti Pots and sous-veni-vidi-vici cookers.

The breading isn’t heavily seasoned, so the porky and slightly greasy SPAM flavor comes through, but it’s dampened a little from the coating. The crust also covers up the pinkness of the processed pork product, which has known to turn off taste buds. The breading also has a satisfying crispiness, especially along the edges, that maintained its texture with curry. In the breakfast sandwich, not surprisingly, it tasted like the canned meat in a breakfast sandwich. Although, the patty looked kind of ridiculous in it.

SPAM Breaded Pork Patties Sandwich

Of course, if you hate SPAM, these aren’t going to change your mind about the product.

I regularly eat SPAM, but I don’t buy cans of it because the introvert in me hates having to ask store employees to release a few from under lock and key. My consumption comes from pre-cooked foods that have it, like SPAM Musubi or whatever our fast food chains offer.

But these breaded SPAM patties are something I’d buy again because they’re not behind anything to thwart shoplifters, their flavor has that recognizable porky taste I enjoy, they have a crispy exterior, they seem to be versatile, and they’re extremely convenient.

Maybe next time I’ll be more creative with them.

Purchased Price: $9.59
Size: 27 oz./18 patties
Purchased at: Costco
Rating: 8 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (2 patties) 290 calories, 22 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 33 milligrams of cholesterol, 700 milligrams of sodium, 15 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, and 8 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Golden Grahams S’mores Bites

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Golden Grahams S mores Bites

What are Golden Grahams S’ mores Bites?

It’s a bit of food history irony that graham crackers, the base of so many sugary desserts and after school snacks, were originally created as a health food. Sylvester Graham advocated a vegetarian diet consisting mostly of bread made from coarsely home-ground flour.

He theorized a bland diet was essential to not only physical, but moral health as well, and that flavorful food was too, ahem, “stimulating.” Products made from graham flour proliferated in the late 19th century, and would slowly morph into the myriad of crackers, crusts, and cereals we enjoy today.

General Mills has released its latest assault on poor Sylvester’s theories in the form of Golden Grahams S’ mores Bites. Will the combination of marshmallow and chocolate surrounded by a “Graham” cracker pastry be the last straw, the thing that causes Sylvester Graham, who I assume has lived to 225 years due to his healthful diet, take his vengeance on us all?

How are they?

Golden Grahams S mores Bites Cooked

I was surprised to see there were no conventional oven directions for these bites. 20 to 30 seconds in the microwave are the only cooking instructions listed on the packaging. Even this short time results in the filling bursting through the graham cracker shell.

So as to not burn my mouth, I wait a minute before taking a bite and find the filling to be hot, but not scalding. The primary flavor is chocolate, with the marshmallow not making much of an impact at all. The graham cracker shell doesn’t taste much like Golden Grahams or graham crackers, but is a generically sweet pastry shell. They must be baked at the factory because they have the baked-then-frozen flavor shared by other mass-produced baked goods.

Golden Grahams S mores Bites Inside

The soft and doughy texture isn’t a surprise given the microwave-only directions, but is still disappointing since a crunchy texture is essential to the enjoyment of both Golden Grahams and s’ mores.

Is there anything else you need to know?

Another surprise is that these don’t need any cooking at all. According to the packaging, allowing them to defrost to room temperature is all that’s required.

Here’s a question: would Sylvester approve of this?

On the one hand, it’s the more slothful method. On the other, it eliminates the corrupting influence of microwaves, which are no doubt of infernal origins. After about ten minutes at room temperature, I pop a bite into my mouth and have much the same experience as the heated version. There’s the barest hint of honey graham cracker, but the overall experience is still of chocolate and pre-baked pastry.

Though not explicitly recommended anywhere, I also munch into a completely frozen bite. This “solves” the texture issue by adding some resistance, but doesn’t add the crunch I’m looking for.

Conclusion:

Golden Grahams S’ mores Bites are sweet and inoffensive (assuming you’re not a 19th century minister with very particular dietary opinions), but miss out on the combination of crunchy, melty, ooey-gooey goodness that makes real s’ mores great.

We’re safe from Sylvester Graham for now, not because we’re not a fallen, decadent society, but because these bites aren’t worth getting all worked up over.

Purchased Price: $4.99
Size: 14.7 oz. (30 count)
Purchased at: Woodman’s Market
Rating: 5 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (4 bites) 190 calories, 6 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 350 milligrams of sodium, 32 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 13 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Off The Grid Vanilla Buttermilk Waffles

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Off The Grid Vanilla Buttermilk Waffles

What are Off The Grid Vanilla Buttermilk Waffles?

From the folks who brought us the Eggo comes Off The Grid which are frozen waffles with 12 grams of complete protein per serving and made with 100% whole grains and cage-free eggs.

I bought the Vanilla Buttermilk ones because it’s the only one my local Target carries. But there are also cinnamon brown sugar and wild blueberry varieties.

How are they?

Although they come from Kellogg’s and look like a tanned version of America’s most popular frozen waffle, they definitely do not taste like an Eggo.

When eaten sans syrup, the vanilla and buttermilk flavor are noticeable, but they’re not potent enough that I can imagine me eating these without some kind of sweet condiment. Toasting them makes the exterior a little crispy and the interior soft. Of course, that’s prior to me giving them a syrup shower.

Off The Grid Vanilla Buttermilk Waffles Tanned

While the whole grains do give these a slightly grainy texture and different flavor compared to an Eggo, I thought they tasted decent. But Eggo Homestyle Waffles do taste a little better to me. Store brand pancake syrup that has been carefully added to the brim of every pocket in the waffle adds a much-needed flavor. (Yup, that’s how I do syrup on waffles.) Thankfully, it doesn’t completely mask the vanilla and buttermilk.

Is there anything else you need to know?

A serving of two waffles has 13 grams of protein (12 grams of complete protein), which is 24 percent of your daily recommended intake. Unfortunately, unlike regular Eggo waffles, they’re not fortified with 20-25% of your RDA of a bunch of vitamins and minerals, like calcium, folic acid, vitamin A, etc, All you’re getting with these is protein, some fiber, and a minuscule amount of vitamin D, iron, calcium, and potassium.

According to the box, complete proteins contain all nine of the special essential amino acids in the right amounts. Our bodies don’t make or store these amino acids so we have to get them through food.

If you’re wondering how these differ from Kodiak Cakes Power Waffles, I have to admit I haven’t had them. But what I do know is that a box of Kodiak Cakes has 10 waffles per box, while Off The Grid has eight. And I also know protein waffles are expensive.

Conclusion:

Off The Grid Vanilla Buttermilk Waffles are fine for what they are — frozen waffles. If you’re looking for a product that provides protein, these are a decent tasting option. But they don’t convince me to completely leggo the Eggo.

Purchased Price: $6.49*
Size: 8 waffles/box
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 6 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (2 waffles) 230 calories, 11 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 310 milligrams of sodium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 7 grams of sugar, and 13 grams of protein.

*Because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, things are a bit pricier here. You’ll probably pay less than I did.

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