REVIEW: Beemans Gum

Beemans Gum

Like the late great Anna Nicole Smith, I’m fond of old things, but unlike Miss Smith, the old things I enjoy does not include fossils of billionaire oil tycoons or expired bottles of TrimSpa found underneath a purple velvet sofa cushion that Bobby Trendy picked out while I thought I was Prince (Is it too soon for an Anna Nicole joke?).

Don’t get me wrong, modern technology is wonderful; where would this fine blog be without it? Maybe morse code or carrier pigeon reviews? But let’s step back for a moment; when young people would say “That’s the bee’s knees” instead of “That’s the shiznit.” A time when dapper young men would check out if a gal had nice gams instead of an ill nana, badonkadonk or fire crotch.

A time when Beemans Gum wasn’t considered old.

When was that? Let’s just say it’s older than your great-aunt Josie from Brooklyn. You know the one I’m talking about. The great-aunt that pinches your cheeks, thinks you’re still fifteen (even though you graduated medical school) and still has plastic on the sofa, because she believes FDR or the Pope might stop in for a cup of Sanka.

Actually, Beemans Gum is much, MUCH older.

Yet, even if it is ancient, its flavor is better than a lot of the latest chewing gums out there, which are in packaging that looks like it could be in an off-beat European home décor magazine. Originally it was a gum to aid in digestion and, to me, it tastes a little bit like Birch Beer. So what if the Beemans logo is plain and the packaging isn’t anything that will win design awards? It’s still so much fucking cooler (or “dandy” if it’s 1898) than modern chewing gums.

After doing some research on the product, I found out that Beemans Gum was considered lucky among pilots during the heyday of aviation. I guess Amelia Earhart wasn’t a fan of chewing gum (Is it too soon for an Amelia Earhart joke?).

Beemans and other nostalgic gums like Black Jack (which is amazing) and Clove have been released for public consumption every two years, and 2009 is one of those years. So I recommend picking up a pack before you actually need a time machine to go back to 2009 to get some. But then if that’s case, it would be worth it to go back to the turn of the century when it was cheaper, probably even tasted better and was widely available. Too bad us ladies won’t have the right to vote.

If you do go back, just don’t say, “Hey shawty, can I get yo digits?” to the nice girl in front of you, because just like if you did it in 2009, she would kick your ass.

Item: Beemans Gum
Price: 75 cents
Purchased at: Christmas Tree Shops
Size: 5 sticks
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Surprisingly long lasting flavor. Early 20th Century slang. Not a fruit or mint gum. Aids in digestion. The first marketed chewing gum.
Cons: Only available for a limited time. Early 21st Century slang. Not knowing when it’s too soon to make jokes about celebrities. Horrible attempts that clueless men use to get a woman’s phone number. Plastic on furniture.

REVIEW: Nonstop Mint Stride Gum

Nonstop Mint Stride

Minty gum flavors are like shades of gray — there are slight variations, either minty coolness with the gum or values in the hexadecimal format (or sadness in an emo’s soul) with the gray, but to most people it’s basically the same shit. The Nonstop Mint Stride Gum is just another shade of gray, albeit on the lighter side, that plays a lot of Dashboard Confessional and The Get Up Kids on its iPod.

I believe the Nonstop Mint Stride almost has the perfect minty gum name, although the folks at Stride Gum disagree since they have a contest going on to determine a new name for it that involves people submitting their ideas for a chance to win $10,000. I think the name is fine because it somewhat accurately describes the gum itself. It’s minty and, while it may not be “nonstop,” it lasts surprisingly long, like Steve Wozniak’s stay on Dancing With The Stars.

Naming a minty gum is simple if you have nerve endings and aren’t agoraphobic. Just go outside when it’s dark or cold, strip down to your underwear (or naked if it’s legal in your neck of the woods or you live in the middle of the woods), wait a few minutes for your body temperature to drop, write down what you’re feeling (if your shaking hands allow you to), and then add the word “mint” at the end of everything you’re feeling.

I’ve come up with a number of minty gum names using this technique, like Wind Blast Mint, Mid-40’s Mint, Shiver Mint, Misty Wind Mint, Hard Nipple Mint, It’s So Cold I Can’t Write Straight Mint, My Nipples Are So Hard That They Could Poke An Eye Out Mint, Holy Shit It’s Fucking Freezing Mint, and Shrunken Genitalia Mint.

The Nonstop Mint doesn’t have a strong minty flavor like a lot of chewing gums with names that combine a weather report with the word “mint,” but it does have a sweet side. I guess if there was a minty Juicy Fruit it would taste somewhat like this. I enjoyed its flavor and was able to chew on it for more than 45 minutes before I had the urge to spit it out, but if you need something stronger to get rid of the garlic, onions or mistress/boytoy you just ate, I’d suggest something other than the Nonstop Mint Stride.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 piece – Less than 5 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 1 gram of carbs, 0 grams of sugar, 1 grams of sugar alcohol and 0 grams of protein.)

(Note: Read another review here.)

Item: Nonstop Mint Stride Gum
Price: $1.39
Size: 14 pieces
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Minty sweet flavor. Has a name that almost accurately describes it. Long lasting flavor. Able to keep it in my mouth for more than 45 minutes. 14 frickin’ pieces. No fat. Stripping down to your underwear in the name of marketing. Genitalia.
Cons: Not a strong minty flavor. Doesn’t seem strong enough to get rid of garlic, onions or genitalia in your mouth. Shrinking genitalia in cold weather. Being agoraphobic. My excessive use of the word “genitalia” in this review.

REVIEW: Trident Xtra Care

The new Trident Xtra Care gum is like Viagra for teeth because it makes them hard and able to handle daily pounding if taken at least three hours in advance. I’ve been chewing it for the past few weeks, so I think my teeth are nice and hard. Whatever comes my way, I’m going to pound them hard. I’m going to pound them in the front with my incisors, then I’m going to pound them in the back with my molars, then I’m going to pound them on the side with my canines, and then we’re going to do it all over again until I’m through.

The Viagra-like substance in it that makes teeth hard is a patented ingredient called Recaldent, a unique form of calcium, that’s absorbed right into the tooth, strengthening areas attacked by plaque acids, helping replace minerals in weakened tooth enamel, and ensuring your teeth can withstand an all-day, all-night pounding session. The downside of Recaldent is that it’s derived from milk, so if you’re allergic to milk (not lactose intolerant) and chew on this gum, I suggest you get to a hospital soon after.

According to the Trident website, their Xtra Care gum has been clinically proven to rebuild, protect, and strengthen teeth. So this gum basically has the ability to turn your teeth into the regenerative Claire Bennet from Heroes, except not as hot (Wait…She’s 18, right? She is? Good.) and pictures of them won’t end up on The Superficial with witty comments.

Since I’m not a scientist, dentist or passed any of my college science classes with anything greater than a C, there’s no way I could ever truly find out if Recaldent has the ability to strengthen teeth. I’m just a jackass with a computer and an ability to sometimes type better than a monkey, so I’ll just have to take their word for it. Although I could try to test my teeth strength by catching a bullet with them or biting the Orbit gum girl who says I have a dirty mouth.

Trident Xtra Care gum comes in two flavors: Peppermint and Cool Mint. They’re both minty, but not pound-the-mouth-minty-fresh, like most minty gums I prefer to chew, which give me a cooling sensation that feels like I’m sucking on a huge piece of cocktail ice. When I first put the Xtra Care gum in my mouth, it seemed softer than most others I’ve had, but as time went on it ended up like all the others and got a little hard, so I had to take it out of my mouth. Because of its mild minty flavor, it’s a gum I wouldn’t reach for if I wanted fresh breath, but again its main draw isn’t its flavor, it is its ability to help maintain healthy teeth, which I hope it does because I’m going to go brush my teeth with sugar and rinse it out with a chocolate milkshake.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 piece – less than 5 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 1 gram of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar, 1 grams of sugar alcohol, 0 grams of protein, and 15 minutes of hard pounding.)

Item: Trident Xtra Care
Price: $1.49
Size: 14 pieces
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Sugarless. Low calorie. Fat free. Recaldent has been clinically proven to rebuild, protect, and strengthen teeth, making it the Viagra for teeth. Brushing teeth with sugar. Rinsing sugar with a chocolate milkshake. Being able to handle all-day, all-night pounding from the front, back, and side. Hayden Panettiere.
Cons: Not powerfully minty, like most gum. Comes in only two flavors. Can’t really determine if it’s doing any good, unless you go to the dentist. Can’t be consumed by those who are allergic to milk. I sometimes type better than a monkey. Season 2 of Heroes.

REVIEW: Wrigley’s 5 Gum (Lush and Elixir)

Back in my day, the only fruit-flavored gum we had was Juicy Fruit. It came in banana yellow packaging, you couldn’t make bubbles for shit with it, it did nothing to freshen breath, and if I were caught chewing it, I got called “fruity,” which at 10 years old I had no idea what that meant, nor did the 8 year old bullies calling me that. Chewing gum companies have recently been releasing a plethora of fruit-flavored gum, like the Wrigley’s 5 Gum Lush and Elixir flavors, and I can understand why. Because all the mint flavor names are taken.

Spearmint, Peppermint, Wintermint, Chill Mint, Ice Mint, Mint Blast, Shiver Mint, Cool Mint, Fresh Mint, Mint Freeze, Frost Mint, Arctic Chill, Cool Frost, Winter Ice, Wild Winter, Vanilla Frost, Hypermint, Icy Blast, Sweetmint, Winterfresh, Polar Ice, Supermint, Crystal Mint, Winterfrost, Midnight Cool, Ice Fresh, and I could go on and on until the break of dawn, but as you can see the minds that hawk mint gums pretty much have sucked the cock of minty marketing names dry to the point where not even tickling the balls of creativity will help.

I’m of the mindset that gum should be used for freshening breath or if you want to digest something for seven years. I don’t want my breath smelling like fruit. What am I? A five dollar backalley whore? Everyone knows that high-class hookers chew minty gum, unless their client wants them to chew something else, but that usually involves a schoolgirl outfit and costs extra. However, the Wrigley’s 5 Lush and Elixir flavors are slowing making me realize that perhaps being a five dollar backalley whore isn’t so bad.

With a name like Lush, I expected it to taste like Tara Reid or any cast member from MTV’s Real World, but instead it had a tropical flavor, which tasted like it consisted of pineapple, banana, and another fruit, which I couldn’t figure out. It was good and it tasted similar to other “tropical” products I’ve tried in the past. As for the Elixir flavor, its berry taste starts out gross, but once the initial flavor subsides after about a minute or two, it becomes a decent chew and has a strawberry-ish taste. While chewing Elixir I was hoping it would increase my hit points in my RPG game called Life, but I checked my stats and I’m still a “Fruity Weakling.”

(Nutrition Facts – 1 stick – Less than 5 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 2 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar, 2 grams of sugar alcohol, 0 grams of protein, 0 ounces of alcohol, and 0 hit points attained.)

(Editor’s Note: Gigi also reviewed these flavors at her blog. You can read her reviews here and here. TIB reviewed the original Wrigley’s 5 gum flavors last year. You can read that review by clicking here.)

Item: Wrigley’s 5 Gum (Lush and Elixir)
Price: $1.49 each
Size: 15 pieces
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Lush)
Rating: 5 out of 10 (Elixir)
Pros: Tropical flavored Lush has a good flavor. Once the initial flavor subsides, Elixir has a decent strawberry-ish flavor. Sugarfree. Decent lasting flavor. 15 sticks per pack. Nice packaging. Lush doesn’t taste like a Real World cast member.
Cons: Not minty. Elixir’s initial flavor is gross. Uses aspartame. The cock of minty gum names is all used up. Elixir didn’t give me any hit points. Digesting gum. Five dollar backalley whores. I’m still a Fruity Weakling.

REVIEW: Always Mandarin Stride Gum

I’m not sure if chewing gum helps strengthen the muscles around my mouth, but if it does, I just gave my mouth a workout with the Always Mandarin Stride Gum.

Stride Gum isn’t shy about letting everyone know that their product is “The Ridiculously Long Lasting Gum.” They are much like my ex-girlfriends who aren’t timid about letting everyone they know that I am “The Disappointingly Short Lasting Lover,” which I’m working on by the way with kegel exercises. Because I like to prove ridiculously lame marketing slogans wrong, and it’s been hard to me to disprove my alleged poor sexual prowess, I set forth and made like a cow chewing cud by chomping on a piece of this orange-flavored Stride gum for as long as I could. I hoped that this piece of gum would last shorter than I do.

Unfortunately, the Always Mandarin Stride Gum lasted significantly longer than I ever will, but it also lasted longer than most men ever will, except Sting and his freaky deeky 48-hour Tantric Sex. I chewed on a piece for about an hour. Its initial flavor was kind of weird and it lasted for about 3-4 minutes.

At first, it tasted kind of like orange oatmeal, but after that subsided, it tasted like a really weak diet orange soda with the artificial sweetener aftertaste. The orange flavor really began to disappear after about 45 minutes of chewing and I spit the gum out 15 minutes later.

Is 45 minutes considered “ridiculously long?” In the porn world, not including oral…yes. In the business meeting world…no. In the gum chewing world…that’s pretty good. In my world…I can only dream. I think it’s even better than Extra gum, but my jaw is too tired to actually find out, which reminds me that my ex-girlfriends also aren’t afraid about letting everyone know that I am also “The Disappointingly Little Lasting Licker.”

Hmm…If chewing Stride Gum for long periods can strengthen my jaw, perhaps it can help me shed that label.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 piece – Less than 5 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 1 gram of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar, 1 grams of sugar alcohol, 0 grams of protein, and 45 minutes of saliva production.)

Item: Always Mandarin Stride Gum
Price: $1.29
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Decent flavor once you get past the weird initial flavor. Closable packaging. Long lasting flavor. Might help strengthen mouth muscles. Kegel exercises.
Cons: Weird initial flavor. Mandarin flavor is not always. It lasts longer than I do. My ex-girlfriends talking about me. 48-hour Tantric Sex marathons. $4 gallons of gas.