REVIEW: Dragon Fire Gum

I don’t know about you, but when I was growing up I didn’t want to have Superman’s superhuman strength, Flash’s lightning quick speed, or Wonder Woman’s stupid lasso that made people tell the truth. I wanted the special ability of shooting fire out of my mouth.

Perhaps this desire was influenced by the many Godzilla movies I watched. Or maybe I wanted to be able to roast marshmallows whenever or wherever I wished. Or maybe I wanted to be the reason why people yelled, “The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire! We don’t need no water let the motherfucker burn!”

I also came up with a cool name if I ever had the ability to shoot fire out of my mouth. I would’ve called myself, “Hellmouth.”

Although now that I’m older and wiser, I realize that this name would either put fear into the hearts of criminals or make everyone think I had bad breath.

When I received a can of Dragon Fire Gum from Impulsive Buy reader Akiko, who picked it up during her journey to the exotic land called Los Angeles, I thought it would allow me to have the fire-shooting breath to destroy a miniature version of Tokyo that I would’ve built using Legos and Jenga pieces. Instead it allowed me to have cinnamon smelling breath.

Inside the can of Dragon Fire Gum was a slip of paper with the words:

According to ancient oriental beliefs, dragons breathed fire to protect treasures from evil spirits. Dragon Fire’s intense hot cinnamon taste will protect you from evil breath spirits. Each piece of gum is loaded with hot imperial cinnamon and then singed to seal in the hot cinnamon flavor.

Yeah, right. And Calgon laundry detergent is an ancient Chinese secret.

So bad breath is caused by evil spirits and not by garlic, onions, smoking, having food debris trapped in your mouth, or kissing a hooker with missing teeth?

If that’s the case, I don’t need gum or toothbrushes, I need either Holy Water or the Ghostbusters.

The dragon design on the outside of the can was cool. However, the gum on the inside, not so much.

Each Dragon Fire gum looked like a red peanut M&M with wrinkles. It also looked like it had a hard shell, but it didn’t have one.

Remember the “intense hot cinnamon taste” printed on the slip of paper in the Dragon Fire Gum can? Well it was there…sometimes. Some pieces made my mouth feel like there was a party going in it, with fireworks and strippers. However, other pieces also made my mouth feel like there was a party going on in it, except with tea, crumpets, and fully-clothed nuns.


Item: Dragon Fire Gum
Purchase Price: FREE (Received from Impulsive Buy reader Akiko)
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Sugarfree. Cool looking can. Dragon would make a cool tattoo. Parties with fireworks and strippers.
Cons: Inconsistent cinnamon bite. Looks like it has a hard shell, but doesn’t have one. Parties with fully-clothed nuns. My inability to shoot fire from my mouth.

REVIEW: Lotte Black Black Gum (Japan)

Lotte Black Black Gum

Lotte Black Black Gum has been around for a long time.

How do I know this?

I know this because this Black Black Gum commercial starring Jean Claude Van Damme proves two things:

1. This commercial is old, because it’s been awhile since Jean Claude Van Damme had fame.

2. Even in Japanese commercials, Jean Claude Van Damme sucks as an actor.

What makes Black Black Gum unique is its charcoal color and the fact that it’s caffeinated, although I don’t know how much caffeine is in each stick.

But I think it’s safe to say that there’s not enough caffeine in it for me to go onto The Oprah Winfrey Show, jump on a couch, attack Oprah, and pretend I’m straight by saying I love Katie Holmes.

I guess it’s sort of like Nicorette gum, except it’s for those who like caffeine and think it’s silly to always wear a beer hat filled with either Red Bull or Starbucks.

Along with the caffeine, this gum contains a nice list of some of my favorite Chinese herbs and flowers, like Bai Ling, Gong Li, and Zhang Ziyi.

Oh wait, I’m sorry. That’s the list of my favorite sexy Chinese actresses.

Oolong tea, gingko, and chrysanthemum flower extracts are the favorite Chinese herbs and flowers found in Black Black Gum. These ingredients give the gum a nice minty flavor with a little bit of extra spice, which I think may make some people not enjoy it.

The mint flavor is initially very intense, like a powerful mint, but it quickly loses that intensity. It eventually loses all flavor in about 7 minutes, but I think people don’t chew on this gum for the flavor, they chew it for the sweet, sweet fix of stimulating caffeine.

Mmm…Caffeine. It’s the drug choice of geeks and quasi-product review blog editors everywhere.


Item: Lotte Black Black Gum
Purchase Price: $2.00 (9 sticks per pack)
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Nice minty taste. Caffeine. Helped me finish today’s review. Sweet caffeine. My list of sexy Chinese actresses. Sweet, sweet caffeine.
Cons: Quickly loses minty intensity. Extra spice may make some people not like it. Jean Claude Van Damme’s acting abilities.

REVIEW: Extra Cool Green Apple Gum

Extra Cool Green Apple Gum

Chewing gum. For some, it’s a breath freshener. For others, it’s way to tame their oral fixation. For MacGyver, with some duct tape and a Swiss Army knife, chewing gum can be used to save the day.

However, for most it’s a way to freshen their breath, especially during instances when they eat garlic or onions, throw up after an evening of binge drinking, or make out with Courtney Love.

Recently, Impulsive Buy reader Lakitu emailed me to tell me about the new Extra Cool Green Apple chewing gum. I’m not a big fan of actual green apples, but I’m a big fan of artificially flavored green apple products, like candy, jelly beans, and sensual massage lotions, so I knew I’d probably like it.

Laiktu also told me she picked up the Extra Cool Green Apple gum from the community-destroying, traffic-causing superstore behemoth.

“Great,” I thought to myself.

Hoping to come out with only a pack of gum and not fifty dollars worth of goods, I decided to try out my patent pending Walmart Abstinence System for Totally Excessive Spending, or W.A.S.T.E.S. for short.

The concept of W.A.S.T.E.S. is simple. Leave all your credit cards, debit cards, and checkbooks at home, and take only enough money for the product you plan to purchase. Unfortunately, I didn’t know how much the pack of gum was going to cost, so I put two dollars into my wallet.

That was a bad idea, because the gum was only 88 cents, leaving me with over a dollar to spend freely, which ended up being two candy bars.

DAMN YOU WALMART!!! DAMN YOU!!!

As soon as I got into my car, I opened the the pack of gum and pulled out a stick. The Extra Cool Green Apple gum smelled nice and tasted good. When you first chew on it, there’s a quick minty bite, but the rest of it was all green apple, baby!

It was nice to chew on a different flavor of gum than the usually minty and cinnamon gums I chew.

Like all Extra gums, the flavor lasted for a while. However, after spitting the gum out, the taste lingered in my mouth for hours after. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. However, what I’m about to point out next may make it a bad thing.

Besides telling me about the Extra Cool Green Apple gum and letting me know where to find it, Lakitu also mentioned to me that it made her breath smell like pakalolo. For those of you who don’t live on these rocks in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, “pakalolo” is the local term for marijuana.

The smell from someone smoking weed is a very distinct smell and once you smell it, you’ll never forget it. People don’t call it “stink weed” for nothing.

While chewing on a piece of Extra Cool Green Apple gum, I tried to smell my breath by cupping my hands over my mouth and nose. Unfortunately, I couldn’t detect the smell of Mary Jane, so I figured Lakitu was just messing with my gullible mind or she’s been smoking a little bit of the endo.

However, a few days later I went to watch the movie Kung Fu Hustle with a couple of friends and I gave a piece of Extra Cool Green Apple gum to them at the beginning of the movie. I swear, at several points throughout the movie it smelled like someone was smoking a fatty.

So maybe Lakitu was right.

Anyway, even if it might make your breath smell like weed, I’d recommend the Extra Cool Green Apple gum. It’s good stuff.

Item: Extra Cool Green Apple Gum
Purchase Price: 88 cents
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Pretty damn good. Different than the usual minty Extra gum. Sugarfree.
Cons: Taste stays in mouth for hours after. May make your breath smell like you smoked weed.

REVIEW: Dentyne Fire

Dentyne Fire

I’m an awesome kisser.

After years of practicing with my pillow, hand, and 8×10 photos of Angelina Jolie, I have taught myself to apply the perfect amounts of pressure, sucking, and tongue playing, when making out with a woman.

I’ve done exercises that make my lips softer, help me efficiently control my breathing through my nose, make my jaw stronger for longevity, and make my tongue flick faster and longer. I’ve read numerous articles on the art of kissing, like this one, this one, and this one.

I’m a kissing master. A black-belt kisser. The Sultan of Smooching. The King of Kissing. The Heavyweight Champion of Kissing.

If you don’t believe me, ask my 8×10 photos of Angelina Jolie.

Oh, but don’t ask the first girl I ever kissed, because that was one sloppy saliva mess I’d like to forget about. It was so bad, she broke up with me a couple of days later.

Anyway, how many of you have seen the commercial for Dentyne Fire?

If you haven’t seen it, it goes like this: A girl introduces her boyfriend to her parents. While boyfriend is talking to parents, girl pops a Dentyne Fire in her mouth. After chewing for a little bit, she gets horny as hell and jumps her boyfriend, right in front of her parents. Seeing this, the girl’s mom pops a Dentyne Fire and then jumps her husband.

The bottom line: Dentyne Fire will make you horny.

Of course, this can’t be true. It’s like saying spinach will instantly give me superhuman strength and help me attract flat-chested women.

To prove it isn’t true, I’ll chew a Dentyne Fire.

(Pops one into mouth)

Mmm…Nice cinnamon bite…OH! Excuse me…

(Eight hours and one pack of Dentyne Fire later)

Wow, I guess I’m going to have to buy some new pillows and 8×10 photos of Angelina Jolie. Heh, heh!

Now I don’t know if it was the Dentyne Fire or Debbie Gibson’s Playboy photo shoot that kept me busy for the past eight hours, but all I know is that I’m out of Dentyne Fire and Valentine’s Day is over. This means I can’t follow through with my plans to get a woman to kiss me on Valentine’s Day using the Dentyne Fire and then take her breath away using my well-practiced kissing techniques.

Oh well, there’s always next Valentine’s Day.


Item: Dentyne Fire
Purchase Price: $1.29
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Spicy. Cinnamon. May make you horny. I AM an awesome kisser.
Cons: Flavor lasts as long as any other gum.