Tag: Gum

REVIEW: Trident Layers Gum (Wild Strawberry + Tangy Citrus & Green Apple + Golden Pineapple)

Marvo 20 Comments

If Bud Light is going to make up a word like “drinkability” in order to describe their shitty, watery beer, I’m going to create my own lingo when talking about chewing gum.

Despite what a few people think, some chewing gums don’t taste the same. Is a show starring Alec Baldwin the same as a show starring Daniel or William Baldwin? Does Kathie Lee Gifford scare away children when wearing makeup or without makeup? (Okay, that’s was bad example, because she scares either way.) But is a douche bag holding fluid to clean a vagina worse than a douchebag holding Heidi Montag?

Bottom line. There is a difference and some chewing gums have it. It’s called chewability — that just right taste that lasts long enough to make your breath smell like something other than the onions you just ate, satisfy your oral fixation or mask your alcohol-stained breath during a police DUI checkpoint.

The Trident Layers Gum has chewability…most of the time it’s in my mouth, and for a length of time that’s equivalent to how long I last in bed.

It comes in two duo flavors: Wild Strawberry + Tangy Citrus & Green Apple + Golden Pineapple. Each Trident Layers piece looks like a crustless jelly sandwich one might find in an LSD-induced psychedelic dream, or if you’re George Clinton, a Funkadelic dream, baby.

The gum may be layered, but its flavor comes in waves. The Green Apple + Golden Pineapple flavor starts off tasting like a Jolly Rancher green apple candy, but then after about a minute, it starts tasting somewhat like pipe tobacco for 30 seconds. After that it’s pineapple flavor all the way. As for the Wild Strawberry + Tangy Citrus, it begins with a strong citrus flavor, which I believe is orange. After the citrus flavor subsides at about the two minute mark, the berry flavor kicks in. Both varieties begin to really lose their flavor after about ten minutes.

I enjoyed both flavors of Trident Layers, although not during those 30 seconds when the Green Apple + Golden Pineapple tasted like pipe tobacco. It’s like I’m chewing an adult version of Hubba Bubba or Bubblicious gum, except it’s hard to blow a decent-sized bubble with this gum.

But bubbles blowing don’t matter when it comes to chewability. And it also doesn’t matter to blowability, which is used to describe (use your imagination here).

(Nutrition Facts – 1 stick – less than 5 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 2 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar, 2 grams of sugar alcohol and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Trident Layers Gum (Wild Strawberry + Tangy Citrus & Green Apple + Golden Pineapple)
Price: $1.24
Size: 14 pieces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Tangy Citrus & Green Apple)
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Green Apple + Golden Pineapple)
Pros: Nice flavors. Soft chew. Flavors come in waves. They look super cool when trippin’ on LSD. George Clinton. Alec Baldwin acting in 30 Rock.
Cons: For about 30 seconds the Green Apple + Golden Pineapple tasted like pipe tobacco. Looses flavor quicker than I would like. Kathie Lee Gifford with or without makeup. Daniel or William Baldwin acting in anything.

REVIEW: Orbit Pina Colada Gum

Marvo 15 Comments

I wish Orbit Gum would stop pussyfooting around it.

The girly drink flavors have to come to an end and they have to develop beer-flavored chewing gum. It seems like the next logical step for Orbit, unless they want to go all Willy Wonka on us and make a three-course-dinner gum.

I’ve even come up with beer gum names they can use for a small upfront five-figure fee and future royalties: Aroma Ale and Muddy Minty Stout.

Right now, Orbit has four flavors named after girly alcoholic beverages: Sangria Fresca, Fabulous Fruitini, Mint Mojito and, their latest, Pina Colada. Although, before they come out with their beer-flavored gum, I hope they introduce a margarita flavor, which I believe is the Official Drink of College Girls Who End Up On Girls Gone Wild Videos.

The scent of the Orbit Pina Colada is part coconut and part pineapple, which, obviously, makes sense since they’re two of the main ingredients in a pina colada. Here’s something not so obvious about coconuts and pineapples; they make excellent weapons in close combat.

The hard exterior of coconuts can knock out an opponent or be used as a shield, while a pineapple can cause brief paralysis, but it’s not due to its spiky skin, instead it’s from the shock of being attacked with a fruit.

I’m not a fan of pina coladas, coconuts or asinine news anchor banter, unless it contains the phrase “keep fucking that chicken,” but I really enjoyed the flavor of this gum. It has a strong, sweet pineapple flavor with a bit of coconut, and there’s a little bit of mint, but not enough to make me think it’s freshening my breath. After about four minutes of chewing, it loses most of its flavor, but I kept it in my mouth for another 20 minutes or so before I had to spit it out due to an almost complete lack of flavor.

While it may not contain any alcohol, unless you consider sugar alcohol something you can get wasted off of, and it’s kind of a girly flavor, I think the Orbit Pina Colada Gum is quite tasty and I’ll continue to purchase it. If you’re looking to add something different to your chewing gum rotation, this would make a fine pick…until Orbit Muddy Minty Stout Gum is available.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 piece – less than 5 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 1 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar, 1 gram sugar alcohol and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Orbit Pina Colada Gum
Price: $1.17
Size: 14 pieces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Great pineapple/coconut flavor. Sugar free. Flavor lasts a decent amount of time. Something different to add to chewing gum rotation. News anchor bloopers ending up on YouTube.
Cons: Not really minty. No alcohol. Asinine news anchor banter. Being attacked by a coconut or pineapple. No beer flavored gum, yet.

REVIEW: Eclipse Breeze Gum (Exotic Berry & Exotic Mint)

Marvo 14 Comments

The Eclipse Breeze Gum contains an ingredient called cardamom, which sounds less like an ingredient and more like a dancehall reggae artist. Big up! According to the packaging, “Cardamom is a natural ingredient that has been used for centuries in Asian and India to freshen breath and is scientifically proven to neutralize even the toughest breath odors from coffee, garlic, onions and even smoking.”

This bad breath beating gum comes in two flavors: Exotic Mint and Exotic Berry. I have no idea what’s exotic about them. I’ve been to a number of places with the word “exotic” in their name, so I think I might know a little something about being exotic.

For example, I’ve been to Exotic Nights, Exotic Nites, Exotic Knights, Exotic Heaven, Club Exotic, Exotic Club, Platinum Exotic, Exotic Dreams, Wild Exotic, Exotic Pulse, Exotic Gold, Exotic Indulgences, Exotic House, Exotic Ecstasy, Exotic Moon, Exotic Moon 2, and Exotic Moon 3.

From my experiences at these fine establishments, I don’t think the flavors of the Eclipse Breeze gum are exotic because they don’t make me want to spit out dollar bills, like a human ATM, into the g-strings of female 20-somethings, or occasionally, usually during the day, 30-somethings with cesarean section scars.

Unlike most of the latest chewing gums, the Eclipse Breeze doesn’t have a strong flavor. While others give a big minty kick, these are more like a nudge. But don’t let that nudge fool you, the cardamom does an excellent job of freshening your breath, but it doesn’t do it by burning your mouth with mint flavor.

While the Eclipse Breeze gum does great with turning your foul breath into something much more pleasant, I wish the flavor of the Exotic Berry didn’t make me want to punch my own face to spit it out. At the beginning, it had a decent fake strawberry-ish flavor, but once I penetrated its hard outer shell, its taste quickly turned medicine-like, making me wonder if I was being punished for something.

As for the Exotic Mint, it was significantly better than Exotic Berry and its flavor reminded me of Wrigley’s Doublemint Gum, but I was disappointed a set of hot blonde twins didn’t come with it.

I guess I’ll have to go to Exotic Moon 2 for that.

(Nutrition Facts – 2 pieces – 5 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 2 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar, 2 grams of sugar alcohol and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Eclipse Breeze Gum (Exotic Berry & Exotic Mint)
Price: $1.25
Size: 12-pack
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 4 out of 10 (Exotic Berry)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Exotic Mint)
Pros: Does an excellent job of freshening breath quickly. Sugar free. Exotic Mint tastes like Wrigley’s Doublemint Gum. Five calories for two pieces. Exotic Moon 2.
Cons: Exotic Berry flavor was somewhat vile. Doesn’t have strong flavors. Flavors weren’t exotic and didn’t make me want to become a human ATM near women in g-strings. Cardamom sounds like a reggae artist. Exotic Knights, which got its name because Exotic Nights and Exotic Nites were already taken.

REVIEW: Orbit Positively Pomegranate Gum

Kayla 10 Comments

Pomegranate used to be one of those foods that pretentious, health conscious people in intellectual, or gourmet culinary, circles used to brag about at art auctions or fundraising benefits for obscure diseases. Now, it seems that pomegranate is that indie band who sold out by signing with a major label and having their Top 40 single remixed by T-Pain (which was also re-remixed by Kidz Bop).

Everything is coming pomegranate flavored, including ice cream, lip balm, alcoholic beverages, cereals, condoms and personal lubricants. Well, the last two I’m not too sure if they do come in pomegranate, but if I find them in my product expeditions, I will let you know.

I know I’m going to sound like one of those assholes that say they were fans of a band “before they got popular,” but I’ve been enjoying pomegranate since I was a wee little thing. Of course, my mother didn’t call them pomegranates; they were Indian apples (or Southeast Asian apples if you want to be politically correct). They were so beautiful that I would consume each seed individually, because they were like little rubies. I would also run my hands through all of the seeds and pretend I was a billionaire heiress counting her jewels (Hmm…maybe that’s something I should tell my future therapist). But now that pomegranate is the “it” fruit, more people are consuming pomegranate “flavored” items and not tasting the real McCoy.

Orbit Positively Pomegranate does not taste like the real McCoy, because it’s artificially flavored, of course. When has something artificial tasted or felt better than the real thing?

Wait…maybe I won’t go there.

The gum has a strong texture to it, but I find that a lot with Orbit Gum, it’s not hard per se, but if you can’t chew it, it might be time to admit defeat, let go of your pride and buy a pack of Freedent. I can best describe the gum as having a generic fruity gum flavor; it’s tasty, but you can’t really distinguish much of it. As for Positively Pomegranate’s stamina, it needs some help from those little blue pills, topical creams or whatever gum uses to boost up flavor longevity.

It’s really odd, but I found after chewing it for about two hours I developed a sore throat, which has never happened before with gum. It’s still tasty, but is it worth the throat discomfort that lasts longer than the gum’s flavor? Probably not. Of course, this was my personal experience; and like weight loss commercials that air after Taco Bell ads showing burritos in all of their beefy, cheesy glory, individual results may vary.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 piece – 5 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 0 milligrams of sodium, 0 milligrams of potassium, 1 gram of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 0 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Orbit Positively Pomegranate Gum
Price: $1.49
Size: 14 pieces
Purchased at: Wawa
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Nice fruity flavor. Good chewing texture. The irony of fast food ads followed by weight loss commercials. Sugar free. Being ahead of the curve and not being an asshole about it.
Cons: Flavor isn’t really pomegranate. Gives sore throats, if chewed on for a long time. Pretentious people who make it clear that they are ahead of the curve. Indie bands who sell out. Kidz Bop albums. That weird Orbit chick in the commercials.

REVIEW: Uber Bubble Stride Gum

Marvo 20 Comments

I was once left with a case of blue balls because a woman said to me on my college dorm room bed that French kissing me is like French kissing a dog because my tongue just hangs out of my mouth and there’s drool everywhere.

While I did come back with the line, “Well, how would you know what it’s like to French kiss a dog, Ms. Bestiality,” which caused her to storm out of my dorm room and making the blue scrunchy signal for my roommate on the outside door knob meaningless, it did make me wonder if my inability to properly stick my tongue in a woman’s mouth is the reason why I lack the tongue dexterity to spread out a large enough surface area to create a bubble with a piece of chewing gum. Well, it looks like it’s time to test my tongue dysfunction with the Uber Bubble Stride Gum.

Like frat boys who brag about having the sexual prowess of porn stars, Stride Gum proudly claims that it’s extremely long lasting. Unfortunately, one person’s idea of “long lasting” may not equal to another person’s idea of “long lasting.” For example, the frat boy may think three minutes of pleasure is perfect, but the unsatisfied co-ed beneath him probably isn’t happy about the quickie that lasted the same amount of time it takes for her to brush her teeth.

As for the Stride Gum, it took about 20 minutes or so before it lost all flavor and I had the urge to spit it out. While that’s enough time to satisfy a co-ed and then cuddle with her, I like the flavor of the gum I chew to last a little longer than that. In other words, a little more uber.

The Uber Bubble Stride Gum’s initial flavor tasted like, I’m not kidding, the wood of a number two pencil, but after a few seconds it disappears and is replaced with a mellow bubble gum flavor. It’s not as strong as Bazooka Gum, but it’s much better and longer lasting than a piece of gum that came out of a 25-cent machine or a 1986 Topps Baseball wax pack. However, its flavor was nowhere near uber.

While my taste buds don’t think it has an uber bubble gum flavor or is uber lasting, I was hoping I could at least make uber bubbles with a piece (or four) of the Stride Gum, but I was unable to make any bigger than an inch in diameter. I think I was unable to do it because the gum wasn’t soft enough, like Hubba Bubba and Bubblicious, to create a good bubble. And because my dysfunctional tongue still doesn’t have enough dexterity, despite all the French kissing practice I’ve done with my fist.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 piece – less than 5 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 1 gram of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar, 1 gram of sugar alcohol and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Uber Bubble Stride Gum
Price: $1.12
Size: 14 pieces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Mellow bubble gum flavor. Flavor lasts a decent amount of time, but uberer would be better. Better than the gum from a 1986 Topps Baseball wax pack. Sugarfree.
Cons: Can’t make bubbles with one piece. Bubble gum flavor was nowhere near uber. Initial flavor was like a number two pencil. Three minute men. My inability to blow uber bubble gum bubbles. Blue balls.