Salt-N-Pepa got pissed when baby-pop didn’t make it fast when giving them a kiss and I think Santa will be just as upset when he finds out some poor kid left out Limited Edition Peppermint Creme Oreo cookies for him this Christmas Eve.

I can imagine what will happen and I think it’ll be a Christmas story that will be shared for generations.

Twas the night before Christmas and Santa made his way down into another home.
Over his shoulders were his big bag of Christmas gifts and bigger bag of coal.
In this household, no kids were naughty so they’ll all get gifts from Saint Nick.
Oh, wait! Santa checked his list twice and it appears little Timmy was a little dick.

After the presents were stuffed in their appropriate stockings above the fireplace,
Santa saw his obligatory cookies and milk on a coffee table next to an empty vase.
As he walked closer to the treats left out for him, his face began to radiate with glee.
He let out a soft squee and then said, “Looks like Nabisco made another Oreo variety.”

“Enjoy these Limited Edition Peppermint Oreos,” said the note left with the snack.
Santa said, “I will,” and then prepared himself to dive into the cookies that are black.
So he grabbed the glass of milk and poured the liquid into the empty vase on the table.
There’s no way Santa trusts any milk sitting out for hours, even if it’s shelf-stable.

Santa picked up a Peppermint Oreo cookie and noticed the pink colored creme.
He thought the color was off and wished the cookie had a red and black color scheme.
He was also sad the chocolate cookies didn’t have festive imprints that warm his soul.
Like snowflakes, snowmen, or the depressed face of a child who received a lump of coal.

Before Santa tried the new Oreo flavor, he looked around to see if anyone was spying.
After scanning the room a few times, he noticed two pairs of children’s eyes prying.
Santa released an annoyed sigh as he reached into a coat pocket to pull out magic dust.
He had to blow it towards the curious children to prevent them from making a fuss.

The children’s eyes got heavy and their memories got cloudy thanks to the magic glitter.
When they became unconscious, Santa erased their memories using some transmitter.
He then walked over to the stockings of the children lying unconscious on the ground,
and replaced the gifts he was going to give them with lumps of coal, about a pound.

Santa could now enjoy a Peppermint Oreo cookie, which he hoped would be fulfilling.
So he picked one up, twisted off the top chocolate cookie, and licked the creme filling.
While sampling the pink creme, he said, “This tastes like something I’ve had in the past.”
After putting the cookie back together and eating it whole, his jolly face turned aghast.

“Blitzen!” Santa yelled while also spraying chocolate cookie crumbs across the room.
“Peppermint Oreos should taste different than Candy Cane Oreos,” he verbally assumed.
Santa was sick of Candy Cane Oreos because kids have been putting them out for years.
He hoped this year things would be different, but the familiar flavor didn’t ease his fears.

Oh, by the way, Blitzen is considered profanity at the North Pole, it basically means “shit.”
And, yes, it’s named after the laziest and most worthless reindeer, Santa will admit.
Blitzen got his name because he’s a lush and with other reindeer he doesn’t get along.
And now you know why his name is said last in the Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer song.

Santa felt the two Oreo flavors tasted the same, even though there are some differences.
Candy Cane Oreo having half white creme and crunchy sprinkles are such instances.
But to Santa those didn’t matter because when you eat thousands of cookies in one night,
flavor matters the most, so it’s wrong for Nabisco to make two Oreo cookies that taste alike.

But Santa liked both Candy Cane and Peppermint Oreos even if they tasted the same.
Thankfully, the creme was made using peppermint oil; artificial flavoring is lame.
Santa thought the Limited Edition Peppermint Oreos have a minty flavor that’s tight.
They’re like Thin Mints, which he thinks more kids should put out on pre-Christmas night.

While Santa was disappointed Peppermint Oreos tasted similar to Candy Cane Oreos,
what he discovered next about them really turned his HO HO HO’s into NO NO NO’s.
A package of Peppermint Oreos has one-third less cookies than a package of regular ones.
This infuriated Santa and now he was looking to visit Nabisco and kick some Nabisco buns.

So he flew up the chimney to set off in his sled to Nabisco Headquarters in New Jersey.
Thanks to a drunk Blitzen delaying them, there was no time to kick ass; they had to hurry.
Santa yelled, “Blitzen! Take a Blitzen on Nabisco,” and the reindeer did what he was told.
Then as they flew off to deliver the rest of the presents, Santa let out a loud, “HO HO HO!”

THE END

(Nutrition Facts – 2 cookies – 140 calories, 60 calories from fat, 6 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1 gram of polyunsaturated fat, 3 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 110 milligrams of sodium, 40 milligrams of potassium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 13 grams of sugar, and less than 1 gram of protein.)

Item: Limited Edition Peppermint Creme Oreo
Price: $3.99
Size: 10.5 ounces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: As good as Candy Cane Oreos. Thin Mints-like. When women squee. Uses peppermint oil for flavor, not artificial flavors. The look on children’s faces when they find out they got a lump of coal for Christmas.
Cons: Tastes like Candy Cane Oreos. Has 1/3 less cookies than a package of regular Oreos. Blitzen the Reindeer. Pissing off Salt-N-Pepa because you didn’t kiss them fast enough. What happens when you spy on Santa.

There are times I feel like, for as great as modern life is, things might be a little too advanced, with too many choices for us to handle.After realizing my cell phone was in fact a tin can with a string tied to it, I got a new smart phone. It can give directions to anywhere in the world and track weather patterns; I mainly use it to play Angry Birds and check baseball scores. I have a TV that gets roughly 700 channels; I watch five of them.I’m writing and you’re reading thisonmachines capable of accessing libraries around the globe, and the most spirited debate I’ve seen today was about whether, even if given human intelligence, there are really enough apes in the city of San Francisco to stagea successful uprising. (Which: point, but I really feel like once you’ve bought into the notion of hyper-intelligent apes, it’s time to leave your finer points of military strategy at the door, Sun Tzu.)

Yet every time I start feeling like progress is passing me by, some food company will release a product that makes us all wonder why no one ever thought of it before. Well hold onto your butts, because the latest embarrassment of riches has arrived in the form of Triple Double Oreos. Those of you who have a hard time dealing with the opulence that is Double Stuf Oreos might want to quit reading now, as there’s a very real chance that merely hearing about the Triple Double will make the rest of us have to look away awkwardly and pretend that’s just water on your pants.

Now that we’ve dispensed with the nancies, the rest of you are ready to hear about the next phase in Nabisco’s arms race against Keebler. Remember that Onion article from a few years back with a supposed Gillette executive proclaiming “Fuck everything, we’re doing five blades”? And then a couple of years later, the actual Gillette company really did? Well, this is Nabisco’s five blades. More specifically, it’s two Oreo cookies mashed together like so: cookie top, vanilla creme filling, cookie middle, chocolate creme filling, cookie bottom.

I have to be honest: as much as what I just described would’ve blown the mind of a kid in 1975, it’s still less than what I was expecting. The words “triple” and “double” right next to each other had me conjuring visions of mammoth Oreos you couldn’t fit in your mouth without unhinging your jaw,like the cookie equivalent of a Dagwood sandwich. That… is not this. It’s really just two Oreos (one and two-thirds if you’re a math nerd) (which I’m not) stacked atop one another; the three cookie layers provide the “triple” element, while the twin layers of creme filling account for the “double.” I initially suspected that the filling layers would be extra thick, like Double Stuf Oreos, hence the “double” part of the name. Turns out I was wrong; they aren’t any thicker than normal Oreos, there are simply two layers. And I guess technically that makes sense, but since regular Oreos have both a top and a bottom cookie, the “triple” part feels pretty disingenuous. Maybe that’s just me.

On the plus side, they taste basically the same as regular Oreos, which is to say quite good. Perfectionist that I am, I performed controlled taste tests both with and without milk (1%, if you’re looking to replicate the experiment yourself), and the results were as expected: prettytasty plain, significantly better in milk. If I have a quibble, it’s that they might as well have saved themselves the trouble of using chocolate creme. The chocolate of the cookie layers is so dominant that you can’t taste any chocolate in the creme, so it’s really just a marketing tool to look more appealing to your subconscious. Hell, for all I know it’s just vanilla creme with brown food coloring thrown in. That actually would not surprise me in the least.

On the more negative end of the spectrum is the fact that HOLY BALLS THESE THINGS ARE 100 CALORIES APIECE. Apiece. When a calorie count makes even me blanch, you know it’s bad. It’s not like I’ve never eaten high-calorie desserts before, but usually they’re at least something big. In this case I think the Triple Doubles’ heft may work against them — you’re still going to eat a few at a time because no one has eaten a lone Oreo in the history of ever; but then you remember they’re 100 calories apiece and your head explodes. So, hey, watch out for that.

I can still recommend Triple Double Oreos for your consumption, but not unequivocally, and I doubt they’ll be around for long. Like most ridiculously overindulgent products bestowed upon us by food companies, they make for a nice gimmick but will never replace the classic brand and are targeting the same market share. I don’t expect there are too many people out there thinking, “You know, I like the taste of Oreos and all, but until they’re ready totake it to the next level, eff those guys.” So if you’re interested in trying them out, I’d plan on doing so sooner rather than later. You may be disappointed that they aren’t so gargantuan as to come one to a package, but come on: how bad can an Oreo really be?

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cookie – 100 calories, 40 calories from fat, 4.5 grams of total fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 2 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 80 milligrams of sodium, 35 milligrams of potassium, 15 grams of total carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 9 grams of sugars, and less than 1 gram of protein.)

Item: Nabisco Triple Double Oreo
Price: $2.99
Size: 13.1 ounces/18 cookies
Purchased at: Wegman’s
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Taking it to the next level. Dissecting the finer points of Planet of the Apes. Five blades. Not having to unhinge your jaw. Triple doubling up on milk. Not stingy on the creme. Tastes just like a regular Oreo.
Cons: Not really triple, unless you usually eat your Oreos open-faced. Embarrassment of cookie riches. 100 bleeping calories apiece. A bit disappointing visually. Tastes… just like a regular Oreo.

August 14th is National Creamsicle Day.

I didn’t know that until just moments ago and although it’s only a few more months until it comes around again, I’ve been making up for the years I didn’t celebrate National Creamsicle Day by eating one Limited Edition Creamsicle Oreo for each year I missed it. Unfortunately, I don’t know when the holiday was established, so I hope the thirty cookies I’m eating will make up for it.

When the holiday comes around again, I won’t be sucking, licking, or biting a frozen Creamsicle to celebrate the day. Instead, I’ll be eating more of these Limited Edition Creamsicle Oreo cookies to honor the orange and vanilla treat. I hope they’ll still be available, since they’re limited edition.

Why not honor a Creamsicle by eating a Creamsicle? Because I believe one should honor something by eating something else that honors it. I wouldn’t eat an actual flag on Flag Day or a mother on Mother’s Day. In the case of Flag Day, I would eat something that honors the flag, like a cake or cookie decorated to look like an American flag or a pizza that uses pepperoni and mozzarella cheese to create the thirteen stripes.

Although, to be honest, I don’t really celebrate Flag Day, because no one gets the day off, there aren’t any fireworks, and I don’t want to blow my entire patriotic load before the Fourth of July.

Speaking of blowing entire loads, it looks like the folks at Nabisco have been doing just that with their Oreo cookies. Over the past two months, they’ve not only released these Creamsicle Oreos, but also Berry Burst Ice Cream Oreo, new flavors of Oreo Fudge Cremes, Oreo Brownies, and Triple Double Oreo.

However, out of that high fructose corn syrup-sweetened group, Creamsicle Oreo is the only one labeled limited edition and I’m disappointed by that because they make me wish every day was National Creamsicle Day.

After all the twisting, licking, biting, and other verbs that sound sexual but are also done with Oreo cookies, I think the cookie as a whole doesn’t taste like a Creamsicle. However, the orange and white creme itself does taste very similar to the frozen treat, but it doesn’t have a strong enough flavor to stand out from the vanilla Oreo cookie. When the creme is combined with the vanilla Oreo cookie, its flavor reminds me of Fruity Pebbles.

Even though the Limited Edition Creamsicle Oreo as a whole doesn’t taste like a Creamsicle, it’s still a pretty good cookie. And I look forward to celebrating National Creamsicle Day with it.

(Nutrition Facts – 2 cookies – 150 calories, 60 calories from fat, 7 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1 gram of polyunsaturated fat, 3 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 15 milligrams of potassium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 12 grams of sugar, less than 1 gram of protein and 2% iron.)

Item: Limited Edition Creamsicle Oreo
Price: $2.98
Size: 15.25 ounces
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Creme taste like a Creamsicle. As a whole, it tastes like Fruity Pebbles. Honoring something by eating something that honors it. The number of Oreo varieties released recently.
Cons: As a whole, it doesn’t taste like a Creamsicle. Limited edition. Missing years of celebrating National Creamsicle Day. Eating an actual flag on Flag Day.

The Nabisco Oreo Brownies sound like the most awesome combination of sweets that has ever been conceived.

The melding of Oreo cookies with chewy brownies sounds so awesome that I believe by just touching it it’ll bring a smile to my face, cause rainbows to form on a sunny day, and make birds sing to me instead of pooping on my car.

However, Oreo Brownies aren’t as awesome as they sound or as awesome as what I typed to overly hype them in the previous paragraph. You see, Oreo Brownies aren’t really brownies and those birds are going to poop on your car, especially if you feed them these Oreo Brownies.

If you look though the annals of the internet, you’ll discover there used to be Nabisco Oreo Brownies which were brownies with Oreo pieces baked in, but these Nabisco Oreo Brownies are different. Although they’re not completely unfamiliar.

Do you enjoy stuffing your cakehole with Oreo Cakesters? Then you’ll enjoy stuffing your browniehole with Oreo Brownies because they both taste exactly alike. However, while the Oreo Cakesters have an airiness to them, like cake, these Oreo Brownies are a little more dense, like, you guess it, brownies.

If you’ve never had the pleasure of eating Oreo Cakesters, they taste like chocolate Hostess CupCakes. And if you’ve never had the pleasure of eating chocolate Hostess CupCakes, you’re probably skinny and have never had chocolate cake get stuck under your fingernails.

Since Oreo Cakesters and Oreo Brownies taste the same, deciding which product to pick up depends on what you prefer: something that looks like an Oreo on steroids or something that looks like an Oreo Cakester on better steroids that was shot by one of Spider-Man’s web-shooters. Or if you’re a stickler for metrics, do you go with two Oreo Cakesters, which are 14 grams heavier than an Oreo Brownie, but have more calories, saturated fat, and sugar? Or if you’re a stickler for value, do you go with a box of Oreo Cakesters that has seven packs of two cookies or a box of Oreo Brownies that comes with ten brownies?

Because I’m a fan of Oreo Cakesters, it’s easy for me to like these Oreo Brownies, but at the same time they disappoint me because they taste like Oreo Cakesters and not some Oreo/brownie hybrid that makes rainbows appear and deters birds from pooping on my car.

If you do decide to pick up a box of Nabisco Oreo Brownies, I’d recommend sticking them in the fridge for a little while because they end up a little chewier and a little awesomer.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 brownie – 190 calories, 9 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 3 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 150 milligrams of sodium, 65 milligrams of potassium, 26 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram fiber, 15 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 20% calcium and 10% iron.)

Item: Nabisco Oreo Brownies
Price: $4.99
Size: 10 brownies
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tastes like an Oreo Cakester. Tastes like Hostess CupCakes. Better when chilled. Contains poly- and monounsaturated fats.
Cons: Tastes like an Oreo Cakester. Thinner than I thought they’d be. Not actual brownies, just shaped like brownies. Doesn’t cause rainbows to form on a sunny day. Birds pooping on my car.