Since the dawn of civilization, Pringles has pretty much been synonymous with two things: salty and vaguely potato-ey.

Attempting to condense flavors ranging from authentic southern barbecue to mozzarella sticks and marinara sauce in the convenient delivery vehicle of dried potato flakes and cottonseed and/or soybean oil, Pringles has built an empire out of coming up with more flavors than Land Before Time sequels.

For the most part, I’m cool with that.

No, the Pringles All-American Cheeseburger isn’t going to satiate an In-N-Out craving, but one’s snack of choice can do a lot worse than ambiguous salty, cheesy, and crispy flavors. Which begs the question: what the hell is the deal with Pringles getting all sweet on us for the Holidays?

Perhaps it has to do something with the Pringles guy bearing a striking resemblance to what I can only assume was once a younger Santa Claus (or Pringles now being produced by Kellogg’s), but the new Limited Time Only Pringles White Chocolate Peppermint and Pringles Cinnamon & Sugar join Wheat Thins and Ritz crackers as long-time savory standbys trying to capitalize on the salty and sweet craze that seems to hit each holiday season.

I was expecting the White Chocolate Peppermint Pringles to be covered in a smooth, lickable white chocolate fondant with candy cane pieces sprinkled on top. Well, I guess I got what I paid for, because for $1.53 the Pringles bore the tan shade of the ubiquitous plain Pringle. The taste is akin to having an out of body experience. If you lick the chip – excuse me, crisp – you definitely pick up flavors of peppermint and white chocolate. It’s short lived though, like a stick of gum.

The flavor is actually really good, but it’s completely disjointed from the characteristic Pringles finish, which for lack of a better word is best described as slightly, possibly, sorta potato-ey. In a lot of ways, it’s like watching your favorite baseball player getting a hanging fastball over the plate, putting bat on ball, and getting what looks like all of it. Your spirits are raised – it’s outta here! – until you realize it’s going dead center at The Trop and right to the center fielder. Yes, the aftertaste of these Pringles taste like a routine fly-out to end the game against the Devil Rays.

The Cinnamon & Sugar Pringles look exactly like regular Pringles but with little specks of shiny brown which I’m assuming are cinnamon-sugar granules. On the Cinnamon-Sugar spectrum of 1-10, with 10 being Cinnamon Toast Crunch cooked in butter and then drowned in cinnamon and sugar, I’d estimate the cinnamon-sugarage to be a 3. I did not find the taste to be as sweet as the seasonal Cinnamon Wheat Thins, and it definitely wasn’t enough to drown out the salty, starchy Pringles aftertaste.

Continuing the baseball analogies, this was like watching an infield groundball. You’re kinda sorta hoping it gets through a hole, but no, as soon as you bite in, you realize it’s right to the shortstop, and tastes just like every other groundball – er, Pringles – you’ve eaten.

If you like collecting Pringles cans or just enjoy smelling Christmasy food flavors, then the two new sweet flavors of Pringles are just the stocking stuffers for you. But when it comes to actually eating them, the broken and disjointed taste sensations of sweet and cooling just don’t mesh with the loud, salty aftertaste of the vaguely potato-ey Pringles.

(Nutrition Facts – 150 calories, 80 calories from fat, 9 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 95 milligrams of sodium, 15 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, and 1 gram of protein.)

Item: Limited Time Only Pringles White Chocolate Peppermint and Pringles Cinnamon & Sugar
Purchased Price: $1.53 each
Size: 6.38 ounces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 5 out of 10 (White Chocolate Peppermint)
Rating: 4 out of 10 (Cinnamon & Sugar)
Pros: White Chocolate and Peppermint has actual white chocolate and peppermint taste. No trans fat. Fun if you like out of body eating experiences.
Cons: Pringles aftertaste clashes with sweetness. Cinnamon Sugar flavor is weak. No substantial crunch. Realizing the Pringles guy could pass for Santa Claus in his 30s.

When it comes to hot spicy foods, I don’t think I ask for much.

When I put it into my mouth, the capsaicin should cause my face to excessively ooze out four different bodily fluids at the same time: sweat to help cool my face, tears of pain, saliva to help cool my mouth, and snot being cleared from my nasal cavity. It should also make my tongue feel like kittens used it as a scratch post.

And then after it’s been digested and the heat is just a memory, it should make the opposite of my digestive system feel like it’s being cleaned by a bidet that shoots molten lava. The heat should make my rear yell out for Preparation H to help soothe it.

Unfortunately, the limited time only line of Hot Sauce Pringles doesn’t attain the level of heat that makes you feel like you’ve been sucking on Lucifer’s teat or a bottle of Sriracha sauce.

Like the number of hot sauces on a table at a decent Mexican restaurant, the Walmart-exclusive Hot Sauce Pringles come in three varieties: Original, Chipotle, and Roasted Garlic. Since new Pringles flavors are rare, I was extremely excited to find these flavors, so much so that I wanted to celebrate their arrival by stringing them up and then bashing them with a bat until their potato crisp goodness fell to the ground. But since Pringles tend to be fragile, I didn’t raise my bat to any of them.

Original Hot Sauce Pringles had a vinegary smell that reminded me of Ketchup Pringles. This flavor was my favorite of the three, probably because it’s the best tasting and spiciest. Its flavor was a combination of red peppers and vinegar. Its heat doesn’t show itself until a good 7-10 seconds after chewing, which I thought was a little strange.

Chipotle Hot Sauce Pringles was the least spiciest of the three, which I thought was unusual since chipotle is rated somewhere in the lower middle of the Scoville scale. But then again, chipotle isn’t listed in the ingredients. Its flavor starts off tasting somewhat like black pepper and then ending with a smoky flavor. The black pepper flavor was a slight turnoff for me, which also made it my least favorite of the three.

Before trying all three Hot Sauce Pringles flavors, I thought the Roasted Garlic Hot Sauce Pringles would be the least spiciest, but they were slightly less spicy than the Original Hot Sauce Pringles. As for how they taste, there’s definitely a garlic flavor to them and I enjoyed them, but as I ate through the can, I couldn’t help think the flavoring tasted like the powder in a McCormick chili mix packet.

Overall, the line of Hot Sauce Pringles is decent, but I think it would’ve been better if they teamed up with Tabasco to create better tasting flavors. As for spiciness, Pringles is definitely capable of creating a spicy hot flavor, but these limited time only Hot Sauce Pringles failed to impress both ends of my digestive system.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 ounce/approx. 16 crisps – Original – 140 calories, 80 calories from fat, 9 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 230 milligrams of sodium, 15 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 1 gram of sugar, and 1 gram of protein. Chipotle – 150 calories, 80 calories from fat, 9 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 190 milligrams of sodium, 15 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 1 gram of sugar, and 1 gram of protein. Roasted Garlic – 150 calories, 80 calories from fat, 9 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 200 milligrams of sodium, 15 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 1 gram of sugar, and 1 gram of protein.)

Item: Hot Sauce Pringles (Original, Chipotle, & Roasted Garlic)
Price: $1.50 each
Size: 6.38 ounces
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Original)
Rating: 5 out of 10 (Chipotle)
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Roasted Garlic)
Pros: Original Hot Sauce Pringles was tasty. Roasted Garlic Hot Sauce was good. Trying new Pringles flavors. Comes in SuperStack cans. Sriracha sauce.
Cons: Their spiciness failed to impress both ends of my digestive system. Only available at Walmart. Chipotle Hot Sauce’s black pepper flavor turned me off and was the least spiciest. Oozing four different bodily fluids from my face.

I’m trying to figure out why Pringles would come out with a multigrain version of their product. Maybe it’s because they feel like they’ve done all they could with dried potato flakes.

Or maybe they want to jump on the multigrain bandwagon before Lays Stax does.

Or maybe it’s because they want to get more peoples’ hands stuck in their cans.

Or maybe since I walk around my apartment half naked and with the window shades wide open, the folks at Pringles saw my curvaceous-in-all-the-wrong-places body eating a can of their product through a telescope fashioned from empty Pringles cans and thought I could use a little more grains in my life.

Whatever their reasoning, I’m glad they did.

The Pringles Multigrain Truly Original crisps looks like the possible result of a booty call between a can of Pringles and a bag of Tostitos, so not only are they multigrain, they’re also multisnackial. They’re shaped like Pringles, but have the visual texture of tortilla chips.

According to the packaging, the multigrain crisps consist of rice flour, corn flour, wheat starch, wheat bran, and of course, dried potatoes. While they are multigrain, they aren’t significantly healthier than original Pringles, providing only 10 less calories, one less gram of fat and 10 less milligrams of sodium per one ounce serving. Well, at least they don’t cause possible anal leakage like Fat Free Pringles do.

Like the egos of those who cry after their singing ability gets berated by Simon Cowell, these multigrain crisps are fragile. Both cans I purchased contained mostly broken crisps and I feel like I have to handle them with care or else feel the wrath of Julius Pringles and his evil handlebar mustache. They taste like a combination of original Sun Chips and Pringles, but they don’t have a very strong flavor. They taste more like a cracker than a potato chip.

Even though its flavor could’ve been a little more robust, it doesn’t provide any whole grains and it doesn’t have much nutritional superiority over regular Pringles, for some reason I enjoyed the Pringles Multigrain Truly Original crisps. Maybe it’s because these multigrain crisps aren’t just another attempt to make Pringles look like the Jelly Belly of the crunchy snack world by coming up with other flavors that taste like other types of food. Or maybe it helps me get one step closer to achieving my goal of getting my hand stuck in every Pringles can variety.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 ounce (approx. 16 crisps) – 140 calories, 8 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 150 milligrams of sodium, 16 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 1 gram of sugar, 1 gram of protein, 4% vitamin C and 2% iron.)

Item: Pringles Multigrain Truly Original
Price: $1.49
Size: 6.34 ounces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Decent snack. Tastes like a combination of Sun Chips and Pringles. Multisnackial. Snack booty calls. Does not cause anal leakage.
Cons: Flavor could’ve been a little stronger. Not much better nutritionally than regular Pringles. Crisps are fragile. A shitty source of vitamin C and iron. Getting your hand stuck in the Pringles can. Handlebar mustaches. Having curves in all the wrong places.

Pringles’ new line of potato crisps, Family Faves, are more family friendly than family favorites, because the line is made up of extremely safe flavors — Cheddar BBQ, White Cheddar Pop and Taco Night.

Nothing weird. Nothing exotic. Nothing crazy. Nothing a wee bit fucked up. They’re so safe, I’m surprised each can of Pringles Family Faves doesn’t come with a Trojan Magnum XL condom wrapped around it.

If I sound disappointed, I am, because I want Pringles flavors that blow my mind, like I’m reading through an issue of Mental Floss. They shouldn’t be hard to produce since they already make mind-blowing flavors in other countries, like Grilled Shrimp Pringles, Wasabi Pringles, Sausage Pringles, Grilled Shrimp and Pepper Pringles, Prawn Cocktail Pringles, Seaweed Pringles, Soft Shell Crab Pringles, Balsamic Vinegar Pringles, Bacon Caesar Salad Pringles, Spanish Salsa Pizza Pringles and Cream Cheese Pringles. Seriously, whose Pringles can do I have to stroke in order to get American Pringles factories to pump out flavors as unique as these?

Until then, or until I have enough disposable income to pay six dollars plus ten dollars shipping to purchase a foreign flavor of Pringles off of eBay, I’m going to have to settle for whatever lame ideas Pringles in America come up with to help me be the best couch potato I can be.

If I had to choose a fave between all the Pringles Family Faves, I’d pick the Cheddar BBQ. It smells like barbecue Lays potato chips, but its flavor is a bit different. There’s a tanginess with a little bite. The cheddar flavor is definitely noticeable, and when combined with the tanginess of the BBQ flavor, they make a decent Pringles.

As for the other two, the Taco Night version tastes like someone dumped a packet of taco seasoning in a can of Pringles, shook the can and then yelled “TA DA!” I thought the taco flavoring was a little too strong, making it not as once-you-pop-you-can’t-stoppable as most Pringles flavors. While the Taco Night flavor may be a bit too strong, the flavor of the White Cheddar Pop was a bit too light. At times the white cheddar flavor was so light, it was like I was eating regular Pringles. Despite its name, the White Cheddar Pop flavor didn’t taste like actual popcorn.

Although, if it did, that probably would’ve blown my mind.

(Nutrition Facts- 1 ounce/16 crisps – Cheddar BBQ – 150 calories, 9 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 180 milligrams of sodium, 15 grams of carbohydrates and 1 gram of protein. White Cheddar Pop – 150 calories, 9 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 140 milligrams of sodium, 15 grams of carbohydrates and 1 gram of protein. Taco Night – 150 calories, 9 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 210 milligrams of sodium, 15 grams of carbohydrates and 1 gram of protein.)

Item: Pringles Family Faves (Cheddar BBQ, White Cheddar Pop, Taco Night)
Price: $1.49 each
Size: 6.38 ounces
Purchased at: Longs Drugs
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Cheddar BBQ)
Rating: 4 out of 10 (White Cheddar Pop)
Rating: 5 out of 10 (Taco Night)
Pros: Comes in Super Stack cans. Cheddar BBQ was tasty. No trans fats. Nutrition facts and ingredients list are also in Spanish. Foreign Pringles flavors. Mental Floss.
Cons: Flavor choices aren’t exciting. Flavor of the Taco Night was a bit too strong. Flavor of the White Cheddar Pop was a bit too strong. The families that chose these faves. Having to stroke someone’s Pringles can in order to get stuff done.