REVIEW: Snapple Diet Green Tea

The Snapple Diet Green Tea is quite possibly the healthiest drink EVER.

I have no scientific data, testimonials from fake nutritionists or fancy Microsoft Excel pie charts to back up that statement. All I know is that green tea is healthy, diet is healthy, and Snapple is Made from the Best Stuff on Earth®. Put all three of those things together and you have a threesome of healthiness.

Now just like MC Hammer, let’s break it down.

As many of you know, green tea is full of antioxidants, which have the ability to kick the asses of bad free radicals in your body and make them their bitches. The Snapple Diet Green Tea has a natural antioxidant called epigallocatechin gallate, or EGCG for short, which is only found in green tea.

According to the bottle, EGCG also has the ability to boost your metabolism, although the bottle also says it takes 300 milligrams of it to effectively boost it. A bottle of Snapple Diet Green Tea has only 55 milligrams. So just like drinking six beers in one sitting will give you a better buzz and make all the ugly people look slightly better, drinking six Snapple Diet Green Teas in a day will increase your metabolism and maybe help you forget about whomever you brought home the other night after drinking six beers.

Another reason why green tea is healthy is because it’s green. Green is a healthy color because a lot of healthy vegetables are green, like zucchini, cucumbers, spinach, lettuce, broccoli, green beans, green bell peppers, cabbage, kale, leeks and weed.

Just like Michael Bay does with every movie he directs, the word “diet” has the ability to suck out the soul of anything it touches and just leave a tasteless, reduced-calorie and reduced-fat empty shell behind, which of course isn’t surprising because you can’t spell “diet” without the word “die.” With the Diet Snapple Green Tea, the word “diet” sucks out all the calories, fat and sugar, leaving it with a row of zeroes on its nutrition label.

Finally, the Diet Snapple Green Tea is healthy because it is Made from the Best Stuff on Earth®. I don’t know what the best stuff on Earth are according to Snapple, but I do know that it’s probably all-natural and it’s probably not gold, diamonds, titanium, rubies, silver, or platinum, because those would make a really shitty Snapple.

Overall, the Diet Snapple Green Tea isn’t bad for a diet drink, although I can easily taste the Splenda (sucralose) much like how I can easily taste the Scientology whenever I watch a Tom Cruise or John Travolta movie. The 55 milligrams of EGCG kind of makes up for its taste and so does the 30 milligrams of sweet, succulent caffeine, which is better than nothing, but not enough to prevent me from falling asleep during a Tom Cruise or John Travolta movie.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to TIB reader Lindsey for recommending the Snapple Diet Green Tea for review.)

Item: Snapple Diet Green Tea
Price: $1.29 (17.5-ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Its taste is all right for a diet drink. 55 milligrams of EGCG. Zero calories. Zero sugar. Zero fat. Kosher pareve. Some Vitamin C. Creates a threesome of healthiness. 30 milligrams of caffeine. Made from the Best Stuff on Earth®.
Cons: If you hate Splenda, you’ll hate this. The word “diet.” Scientology. Everything Michael Bay directs (I feel sorry for Transformers).

REVIEW: Lipton Black Pearl Pyramid Tea

Who knew pyramids were the perfect vessels for dried up, shriveled things, like the mummies of Egyptian pharaohs, Betty White’s game show career as a regular guest on $25,000 Pyramid, and the tea in the new Lipton Black Pearl Pyramid Teas.

According to the Lipton website, the pyramid shape of the mesh bag allows it to have enough room for the hot water to infuse with the tea, better extracting its rich color and flavor, which sort of takes a page from the thermodynamics of underwear, “Restriction of air flow creates a funky smell you know.”

The instructions for the Lipton Black Pearl Pyramid Tea bags are as simple as any other bagged teas. Just pour hot water over it and steep for about three minutes.

You know what? I don’t think I like the word “steep” in this context, since the word could also have a totally different meaning like, “There’s a steep cliff there where we can dump the body.” I think I’ll create another term for this action.

Hmm…let me think.

Bag brewing? Nah.

Tea dipping? Nah.

Oh, I got it. Let’s call it teabagging.

I don’t know about you, but to me, teabagging is quite therapeutic. There’s something kind of nice about dipping my tea bag into the mouth of a mug. The warm steam coming up from the mug’s mouth, I think, would feel pretty good on my tea bag.

There are also several ways of teabagging. I could dip my tea bag in and out of the mouth of a mug or I could just leave it in the mug’s mouth until my tea bag is ready to come out. Both ways are equally satisfying. I also enjoy watching drops of liquid fall off the end of my tea bag and back into the mug’s mouth.

Anyway, the Lipton Black Pearl Pyramid Tea is made from premium orange pekoe and pekoe cut black tea. Despite its name, the orange pekoe does not give the tea an orange flavor. It’s sort of like how Kevin Federline calling himself a rap artist doesn’t make him a rap artist, since no one else calls him one.

The Lipton Black Pearl Pyramid Tea has a nice black tea flavor, which isn’t very bitter like regular Lipton tea, but it’s kind of plain and boring like all Tim Allen movies and probably could’ve used a little fruit infusion much like the other flavors in the Lipton Pyramid Tea line have. It also does make a nice refreshing iced tea when some ice cubes and sugar are added.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some serious teabagging to do.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to long time Impulsive Buy reader Muneer for letting me know about the Lipton Pyramid Teas.)

Item: Lipton Black Pearl Pyramid Tea
Price: $5.69
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Tasty tea. 140 milligrams of antioxidants. 20 pyramid bags per box. Makes a good iced tea. Teabagging. Betty White in Golden Girls.
Cons: Kind of plain, could’ve used a little fruit infusion. Extremely pricey here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. I know it’s a given, but I have to put Kevin Federline and Tim Allen movies here.

REVIEW: Snapple Green Apple White Tea

‘Cause this is thriller, thriller night/There ain’t no second chance against the thing with forty eyes/You know it’s thriller, thriller night/You’re fighting for your life inside of killer, thriller tonight

Hee, hee!

Oh, hello there! Michael Jackson here. When I’m thirsty from dancing with the Elephant Man’s bones, chasing my chimp Bubbles around, or playing “What’s In Your Mouth?” with my sleepover friends, I like to pick up a Snapple Green Apple White Tea.

There are many reason why I like it. One reason is…

Because it’s good, it’s good – come on/You know it’s good, it’s good – you know it/You know it’s good, it’s good – come on, you know/And the whole world has to answer right now/Just to tell you once again,/It’s good…

Aaow!

It has a nice and crisp light green apple taste that is mixed well with the equally light white tea taste, and it’s very refreshing after a long day in the recording studio or courthouse. Compared with other Snapple products, it has about 33 percent less calories and sugar.

The entire 17.5-ounce bottle contains 120 calories, zero grams of fat, 30 milligrams of sodium, 30 grams of carbs, 30 grams of sugar, and 40 percent of your recommended daily allowance of Vitamin C. Plus, each bottle has 105 milligrams of antioxidants.

Antioxidants are you okay/So, antioxidants are you okay/Are you okay antioxidants/You’ve been hit by/You’ve been struck by/A smooth criminal

Whoo!

Another thing I like about the Snapple Green Apple White Tea is that it’s all-natural, just like me.

No wait, I meant to say, just my nose.

No, that’s plastic.

Um…It’s all natural like my skin.

No, that’s not natural either.

Um…Latoya’s face?

No.

Janet’s boobs?

No.

Jermaine’s Jheri curls?

No.

Having little boys sleep in the same bed with me?

Yeah, that’s it.

Just beat it, (beat it), beat it, (beat it)/No one wants to be defeated/Showin’ how funky strong it’s your fight/It doesn’t matter who’s in my bed tonight/Just beat it

Shomon!


What I like most about the Snapple Green Apple White Tea are the young white tea leaves that help give it a naturally light taste and high antioxidant content.

What is white tea? According to the bottle, “It’s a baby tea leaf that is plucked when it’s young so it’s light in flavor and high in antioxidants.”

I love drinking those delicious young white tea leaves. I love playing with young supple white tea leaves. I love having young white tea leaves over for sleepovers. I love having young white tea leaves sleep in the same bed with me. I also love playing “What’s In Your Mouth?” with young white tea leaves. Hee, hee.

But, if you’re thinkin’ about my baby tea leaves, it don’t matter if they’re black or white

Ho!

Item: Snapple Green Apple White Tea
Price: $1.69 (17.5 ounces)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Nice light and crisp green apple taste. All-natural. High in antioxidants. No preservatives. Real frickin’ sugar. Pre-Thriller Michael Jackson.
Cons: Decaffeinated. Hee, hee. The game “What’s In Your Mouth?” Sleepovers with Michael Jackson. Post-Thriller Michael Jackson.