Look Coke Zero, I know you’re going through some hard times right now with you being the new kid on the block, but calling yourself Coke Zero is not good for your self-esteem.

I’m worried about you, Coke Zero.

I know you’re trying to be popular, but I don’t know if the loner goth look with that black cap on your head and the red, white, and black label is good for you.

I’m sorry I have to tell you this, but it looks like you’re just a poser that went on a shopping spree at Hot Topic.

You don’t even have the black eyeliner!

How can you be goth without the black eyeliner?

Your older brother C2 tried to be popular and fit in with the low-carb crowd, but where is he now?

Nowhere.

I don’t see him around. Not even in the most vile places, like the hole-in-the-wall convenience stores, ghetto grocery stores, and Wal-Mart. He was a total failure and now he’s probably hanging out with that other total failure, Pepsi Edge. They’re probably figuring out how to make bongs out of each other.

I don’t want you to be a total failure.

Although, I have to admit, you don’t taste very good with your aspartame and acesulfame potassium. Your cousin, Diet Sprite Zero tasted a lot better. But at least you don’t taste like you’re trying to French Kiss the pinkness out of my tongue like your anorexic older sister Diet Coke does.

Look, we all go through phases. Just look at Madonna and all the phases she’s gone through, from the Queen of Pop to whore to actress to whore to crappy actress to mother to British to Kabbalah to Ester.

Heck, I’ve even gone through some phases. During my high school years, I wanted to be a rapper. I walked around with my LA Dodgers cap low, my hands around my crotch, I called people “Dogg,” and I wrote wack rhymes, like:

I got the skills to pay the bills,
when I write with the quills.
I drop ill rhymes that give thrills,
like a roller coaster on the first drop.
My rhymes will make your body rock.
And make all the honeys scream.
They’ll all call me the Asian Dream.


But later I realized that no matter how cool I thought I was, I really wasn’t cool and I never will be, no matter how hard I try.

(Editor’s Note: Our friends at The Message Whore also did a review for Coke Zero, which you can read here. Again, they beat me to review a cool new product. Someday, I’ll beat them. SOMEDAY!!!)

Item: Coke Zero
Purchase Price: $1.29 (20-ounces)
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Pros: Doesn’t kill taste buds like Diet Coke, No calories. No carbs. No fat. Goth, if you’re into that.
Cons: No black eyeliner. My rhymin’ skills. Madonna’s fake British accent.

Oh man, I so badly wanted to chuck the Taco Bell Crunchwrap Supreme.

Not because it didn’t taste good, but because it looked like a discus and I wanted to set the Guinness World Record for longest Taco Bell Crunchwrap Supreme throw.

I also wanted to start a food fight in the middle of Taco Bell with some guy who was looking at me weird as I was practicing my discus throwing form.

Anyway, the Crunchwrap Supreme was around seven inches in diameter and three-fourths of an inch thick, which is roughly the size of a regulation Olympic women’s discus. Inside its soft flour tortilla was seasoned beef, nacho cheese sauce, sour cream, lettuce, tomatoes, and a crunchy tostada shell.

Not only are the nacho cheese sauce and sour cream the perfect ammo for messing people’s clothes in a food fight, they also make the Crunchwrap Supreme very tasty and, quite possibly, help me come closer to my goal of having my blood replaced with dairy products.

Perhaps the best thing about the Crunchwrap Supreme is the fact that, despite its size, you can eat it with only one hand and you don’t have to worry about it falling apart like other tacos, unless your hands are small like carnie or you’re the notoriously clumsy pirate, Captain Stubsforlimbs.

Of course, being able to eat it with one hand has many advantages.

For example, you can drive and eat it at the same time, flip channels with a remote control and eat at the same time, slip a ten dollar bill under a stripper’s g-string and eat at the same time, and masturbate to a continuous loop of Victoria’s Secret television ads and eat at the same time.

In other words, it’s the perfect food to multitask with.

You don’t need to worry dipping it into something, like those who dated Paris Hilton. Also, you don’t need to worry about things falling out, like Tara Reid does all the time.

Item: Taco Bell Crunchwrap Supreme
Purchase Price: $2.49
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Tasty. Nice size. Can eat with one hand. The perfect multitasking food. Makes the perfect food to fling in a food fight.
Cons: Hard to add taco sauce, but it really didn’t need it.

(Editor’s Note: Today is Day Five of Energy Week…HOLY CRAP! IT’S MONDAY! Um, I’m sorry. I guess time flies when you’re watching VH1’s 100 Greatest Kid Stars. Well today I wrap up Energy Week with some Glacéau Vitamin Water. Not one flavor, not two flavors, but NINE flavors. Enjoy.)

I didn’t realize it until recently, but water is apparently making a comeback. Even if it’s been here for years. In bottles and on tap it appears. Making tears and when it rain, it makes mud. Listen to your throat go chug. Dehydration, overpowering. Jump into the bathroom, I’m showering.

Okay, okay, enough with the LL Cool J lyrics. I know, I know, I was stretching it a bit with the “overpowering/showering” rhyme.

Anyway, it seems like everyone is coming out with their own water or selling water. McDonald’s gives us the option of having bottled water with our Big Mac and fries. The Macy’s stores here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean even sell their own brand of bottled water.

With the amounts of bottled water being sold, I’m surprised Lil Jon hasn’t come up with his own brand of water called, Crunk Water.

Not only are there tons of bottled water to choose from, there’s also tons of flavored water to choose from, like lemon-flavored bottled water, berry-flavored bottle water, and orange-flavored water.

One particular brand of water I’ve been interested in is the Glacéau Vitamin Water, which comes in thirteen different flavors, each flavor contains a variety of vitamins and minerals, and each flavor has a different smart-ass label.

Now I was going to try all thirteen flavors, but unfortunately, I couldn’t find all thirteen flavors and I have a fear of the number thirteen. Although, it’s not like the fear/creepiness I had with the number sixteen, after seeing Lindsay Lohan’s picture for the first time, saying she was totally hot, finding out she was only sixteen years old, and waiting for someone to arrest me for saying an underaged girl was hot.

Anyway, I ended up getting just nine flavors, and I’m going to individually talk about each one.

Flavor: Essential
Main Vitamins & Minerals: Vitamin C and Calcium
Taste: Orangy, like a very weak orange soda without the carbonation.
Perfect For: People who want to get some Vitamin C, but hate the feeling they get from drinking orange juice right after brushing their teeth.

Flavor: Rescue
Main Vitamins & Minerals: B Vitamins and Chamomile
Taste: It’s like I’m drinking tea leaves or flowers. Blech!
Perfect For: People wearing leis and want breath to match.

Flavor: Multi-V
Main Vitamins & Minerals: The name says it all.
Taste: Lemonade-ish. Pretty damn good.
Perfect For: People who don’t want to pay 25 cents for a small cup of crappy lemonade from some kid with a stand on the side of the road.

Flavor: Revive
Main Vitamins & Minerals: B Vitamins and Potassium
Taste: Like fruit punch, although significantly less fruity than Tom Cruise.
Perfect For: Anyone appearing on the reality show, Hit Me Baby One More Time.

Flavor: Stress-B
Main Vitamins & Minerals: Vitamins B3, B5, B6, and B12
Taste: Like a watered-down lemon-lime soda, except without the carbonation.
Perfect For: “Runaway Bride” Jennifer Wilbanks before her next wedding.

Flavor: Balance
Main Vitamins & Minerals: Vitamin C and Glucosamine
Taste: Cranberry and grapefruit-ish. Definitely not my favorite.
Perfect For: People who want to make sure they walk in a straight line after being pulled over by a police officer.

Flavor: Focus
Main Vitamins & Minerals: Vitamin A and Ginkgo
Taste: Kiwi-strawberry mix. Pretty good.
Perfect For: People who have to sit through a timeshare presentation and don’t want to get caught spacing out. Or people on weed.

Flavor: Power-C
Main Vitamins & Minerals: Vitamin C and Taurine
Taste: What the heck is dragonfruit and why does it taste weird?
Perfect For: Those who hate oranges, lemons, and limes, but don’t want to get scurvy.

Flavor: Endurance
Main Vitamins & Minerals: Vitamin E and Ribose
Taste: Nice peach-mango taste.
Perfect For: Long distance runners, workaholics, and Sting, before one of his marathon Tantric sex sessions.

Item: Glacéau Vitamin Water
Purchase Price: $1.79 each
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Smart-ass labels. Wide variety of flavors. Good way to get vitamins and minerals. Better than water from a garden hose, unless the garden hose is attached to a slip ‘n slide.
Cons: Pricey. Some flavors weren’t very good. Couldn’t find all the flavors.

(Editor’s Note: It’s Day Four of Energy Week here at The Impulsive Buy and today I’ll be focusing my attention on energy breath mints. Yes, energy breath mints, which look like smaller Vivarin, except without near illegal amounts of caffeine, withdrawals, and trembling of hands. Enjoy.)

Hey baby doll! How ya doin’?

Yo girl, why you backin’ up? I knows I’m smellin’ good cuz I gots my Tag Body Spray on. I put a spray here. Bam. Put a spray there. Bam. Put a spray down there. Bam. I knows you wanna jump me, like in the commercials. Don’t be shy.

Poser? So that’s how it is now, I’m a poser. Well I’m a poser that can rock your world.

Why you backin’ up some more, baby? I knows my breath don’t smell cuz I gots these X-It Strong Mints in my mouth. They’re powerful mints so they’re gonna make my mouth so minty fresh that you’re gonna wanna faint and let me give you some mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

Let me pop a few more mints in my mouth right now, cuz I gots wine cooler breath.

So whut if I likes wine coolers? They’re fruity and easy to drink, girl!

An’ you know whut? These mints gots guarana in them to help give me energy, just in case I gots to do it ALL NIGHT. Yeah, you know whut I’m sayin’.

Of course, one tiny mint ain’t gonna do it for this prize of a man. Maybe if I take five or ten mints and I’ll have enough energy to rock your world all night and all day, baby!

Whut you talkin’, girl? I don’t needs to take no Enzyte wit these mints. It’s just that my leather pants are too tight and it’s squashing my huge Johnson.

Another thang about these mints are that they’re sugarfree, so I don’t gots worry about messin’ up my pearly white grill wit cavities.

Yo, why you trippin’ on my braces? They’re comin’ out in a few weeks.

Now that I think about it, I don’t know if I should be hangin’ wit you, girl. Cuz you’re sugar sweet, baby! But on second thought, I wouldn’t mind gettin’ a few cavities cuz of you.

Try some of these mints, baby! If you like it, maybe later you can pop more in your mouth and then give some mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to my friend Mr. Happy, cuz he’s getting squashed in my leather pants.

SLAP!!!

Aw girl, why’d you slap me for?

Where you goin’?

Damn!

Item: X-It Strong Mints with Guarana
Purchase Price: $1.99
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Strong mints. Clears nasal passages. Sugarfree. Guarana. Freshens breath.
Cons: Takes many mints for the guarana to have an effect. My ability to talk to women. Tight leather pants.

(Editor’s Note: It’s Day Three of Energy Week here at The Impulsive Buy. So far I’ve reviewed an energy drink and an energy gum. Today I’ll be reviewing an energy bar, and tomorrow I’ll possibly be reviewing energy underwear. Which is actually just glow-in-the-dark boxers, so maybe not.

Also, the winners for this month’s prize drawing have been chosen and you can see who won in the News section in the right column. Congratulations to the winners and thank you to everyone else who participated.)

When I think of energy bars, the first name that comes to my mind is PowerBar, one of the originators of the energy bar.

Of course, if you’ve ever had an original PowerBar, you know that it has the chewiness and texture of Play-Doh mixed with fine sand. Over the past few years, PowerBar has introduced less dense energy bars and their most recent concoctions are the Triple Threat Energy Bars.

PowerBars are designed for athletes who need some extra energy. Of course, my idea of exercise is occasional jogging and watching Bowflex infomercials, so finding out if this energy bar will help me with my workouts was going to be hard.

Fortunately, a Bowflex infomercial starting playing on television and I found out that the PowerBar Triple Threat helped give me the energy to not fall asleep during it. So I guess it did help with my workouts.

As for the taste of the energy bar, it tasted like fruit-filled chocolate. However, tasting like fruit-filled chocolate would make sense if I was eating from a Whitman’s candy box, but I was eating a bar that was supposed to taste like chocolate, caramel, and almond, or at least artificially flavored versions of it.

Now the reason why this PoweBar is called the Triple Threat is because it’s a bar that provides great taste, energy, and nutrition.

Of course, not all of it is true. As I proved earlier, it provided energy and with its many minerals and vitamins, the PowerBar Triple Threat has quite a bit of nutrition.

However, as I also proved earlier, it lacked that great taste. But two out of three isn’t that bad.

Too bad George Lucas has a much worse ratio.

Item: PowerBar Chocolate Caramel Fusion Triple Threat Energy Bar
Purchase Price: $1.17
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Full of vitamins and minerals. Kept me awake during Bowflex infomercial.
Cons: Doesn’t taste like a chocolate caramel fusion. The texture of the original PowerBar.

(Editor’s Note: Welcome to Day Two of Energy Week here at The Impulsive Buy. Today’s product, Lotte Black Black Gum, was suggested by hyper Impulsive Buy reader Wired. Black Black Gum comes to us from Japan, the land of Godzilla, violent game shows, and love hotels. Enjoy.)

Lotte Black Black Gum has been around for a long time.

How do I know this?

I know this because this Black Black Gum commercial starring Jean Claude Van Damme proves two things:

1. This commercial is old, because it’s been awhile since Jean Claude Van Damme had fame.

2. Even in Japanese commercials, Jean Claude Van Damme sucks as an actor.

What makes Black Black Gum unique is its charcoal color and the fact that it’s caffeinated, although I don’t know how much caffeine is in each stick.

But I think it’s safe to say that there’s not enough caffeine in it for me to go onto The Oprah Winfrey Show, jump on a couch, attack Oprah, and pretend I’m straight by saying I love Katie Holmes.

I guess it’s sort of like Nicorette gum, except it’s for those who like caffeine and think it’s silly to always wear a beer hat filled with either Red Bull or Starbucks.

Along with the caffeine, this gum contains a nice list of some of my favorite Chinese herbs and flowers, like Bai Ling, Gong Li, and Zhang Ziyi.

Oh wait, I’m sorry. That’s the list of my favorite sexy Chinese actresses.

Oolong tea, gingko, and chrysanthemum flower extracts are the favorite Chinese herbs and flowers found in Black Black Gum. These ingredients give the gum a nice minty flavor with a little bit of extra spice, which I think may make some people not enjoy it.

The mint flavor is initially very intense, like a powerful mint, but it quickly loses that intensity. It eventually loses all flavor in about 7 minutes, but I think people don’t chew on this gum for the flavor, they chew it for the sweet, sweet fix of stimulating caffeine.

Mmm…Caffeine. It’s the drug choice of geeks and quasi-product review blog editors everywhere.

(Editor’s Note: If you’d like to try Black Black Gum, you can purchase some via Think Geek or J-List.)

Item: Lotte Black Black Gum
Purchase Price: $2.00 (9 sticks per pack)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Nice minty taste. Caffeine. Helped me finish today’s review. Sweet caffeine. My list of sexy Chinese actresses. Sweet, sweet caffeine.
Cons: Quickly loses minty intensity. Extra spice may make some people not like it. Jean Claude Van Damme’s acting abilities.

(Editor’s Note: Last week, Impulsive Buy reader Muneer suggested I do a week of products dedicated to energy bars and drinks. I told Muneer it was a great idea and I was going to name it Energy Bar and Drink Week.

So welcome to Energy Week here at The Impulsive Buy. I hope that all the energy I consume will not make me bounce off of the walls or turn me into Richard Simmons. Enjoy.)

There are many people that scare me in this world, like Joe Jackson and anyone he has fathered, nicely dressed people who come to my door with a stack of pamphlets, Cowboy Troy, and anyone who says they’re a member of Amway.

When I meet people that scare me, I like to use the Stop, Drop, and Roll technique, which is almost exactly like the Stop, Drop, and Roll technique used when clothing catches on fire. However, instead of putting out fires, it makes scary people think I’m crazy and they leave me alone.

Recently, I was able to try the XS Caffeine-Free Tropical Blast Energy Drink, which is distributed by Amway’s cuter, but just as annoying, little sister, Quixtar.

After drinking it, I have to say that the XS Caffeine-Free Tropical Blast Energy Drink is the most un-aggro energy drink ever. It has no caffeine, carbs, sugar, and apparently, it also has no balls.

Part of what makes a normal energy drink work for me is knowing mentally that the sweet, sweet stimulant of caffeine will be flowing through my bloodstream to provide me the lift needed to get through a possible future viewing of The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl in 3-D.

XS Caffeine-Free Tropical Blast Energy Drink is like the energy drink equivalent of the Clay Aiken, it’s not pretty to look at, it’s too skinny, and there are hundreds of options that are better.

Now as for the lack of caffeine, carbs, sugar, and balls, the XS Caffeine-Free Tropical Blast Energy Drink makes up for this with insane amounts of B vitamins, especially Vitamin B12. One can of this energy drink has 490 percent of your daily value of Vitamin B12.

Oh wait, I’m sorry. That 490 percent is a mistake. It’s actually 4,900 percent of your daily value of Vitamin B12.

To get an idea of how much Vitamin B12 that is, a cup of Cookie Crisp cereal has 25 percent of your daily value of Vitamin B12. So to reach 4,900 percent, I would have to eat 196 cups of Cookie Crisp, which turns out to equal about 18 boxes of Cookie Crisp, which also equals the amount needed for me to bathe in Cookie Crisp.

A lack of Vitamin B12 has been proven to cause soreness of the mouth or tongue. So if your significant other isn’t going down on you long enough due to a tired jaw or tongue, this energy drink is an excellent way to increase the amount of Vitamin B12 in their diet and perhaps cut down the time needed for you to put your hands on your partner’s head to prevent them from coming up.

Overall, the XS Caffeine-Free Tropical Blast Energy Drink doesn’t have a lot going for it. It lacks caffeine, carbs, sugar, and balls. It also has a weak fruity taste.

Although, it does look a lot like beer. Too bad it actually wasn’t beer.

Item: XS Caffeine-Free Tropical Blast Energy Drink
Purchase Price: FREE (Given by a friend)
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Looks like beer. Lots of Vitamin C. An xtremely overabundant source of Vitamin B12.
Cons: Weak fruity flavor. Zero sugar. Zero caffeine. Zero carbs. Only available through Quixtar IBOs (Independent Business Owners).

Dear Marvo,

Thank you,
Wannabe Messy Lovers

Dear Wannabe Messy Lovers,

To be honest, I’m not a fan of using peanut butter in the bedroom.

First off, the smell of peanut butter is not sexy, unless you enjoy slapping shells with Mr. Peanut. One of the few things that can make the words, “I wanna lick your (insert body part here),” not so sexy is peanut butter breath. Also, that sentence is no longer sexy when it begins or ends with a name that’s not yours.

Another reason why I’m not a fan of using peanut butter during sex is because of the gooey consistency of peanut butter. As a matter of fact, the Jif Peanut Butter & Honey was noticeably thicker than regular Jif Peanut Butter, which was probably due to the honey in it.

The problem with the consistency of the Jif Peanut Butter & Honey and other peanut butters is that they’re harder to spread around than something like hot fudge, marshmallow fluff, maple syrup, edible lubrication, and Slurpees.

In the kitchen, if it’s harder to spread on bread, you may end up with torn bread. In the bedroom, if it’s harder to spread in your lover’s armpit, it’s going to be harder to lick out of your lover’s armpit.

There’s a reason why Mr. Owl bites to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop instead of licking all the way through. He knew the tongue is a muscle and it will get tired. If your tongue gets tired from licking up peanut butter, it’s going to be too tired to lick anything else, like nipples and in between toes.

The final reason why I think peanut butter is bad in bed is because there’s nothing erotic about peanut butter. Chocolate is an aphrodisiac; a bikini can be made from canned whipped cream; hot fudge, at the right temperature, can cause a pleasurable pain; and Slurpees can make your nipples hard.

Anyway, I wouldn’t recommend the Jif Peanut Butter & Honey for use in the bedroom, but I would recommend it for your next sandwich. The flavor sort of reminded me of the Jif Honey Roasted Peanut Butter I’ve tried in the past, but the honey flavor was not as strong.

It’s good stuff, but just not good enough for me to lick off of a woman’s breast, inner thigh, or taint.

Sincerely,
Marvo
Editor
The Impulsive Buy

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to CT from the Population Statistic for suggesting the Jif Peanut Butter & Honey Creamy Peanut Butter.)

Item: Jif Peanut Butter & Honey Creamy Peanut Butter
Purchase Price: $4.29
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Good. Nice light honey taste.
Cons: Noticeably thicker than regular peanut butter, which may make it slightly harder to spread on bread. Not good for licking off of a lover’s body. Nothing erotic about peanut butter. Peanut butter breath.

I think I’m not properly using the Rip It Energy Fuel, because I just drank a big 16-ounce can of it and I have no urge to rip anything, not even the jurors in the Michael Jackson case or Paris Hilton.

Maybe it takes a while for the effects to kick in. Maybe I have to drink another can. Maybe I have to inject it into my ass meat, like Jose Canseco did with steroids.

Anyway, on the outside, the Rip It Energy Fuel looks like any old energy drink with an aggro name, aggro designed can, and its typical aggro green energy drink color. However, after I drank it, I realized that it wasn’t a typical energy drink.

The first thing I noticed about it was its lack of bite that most energy drinks have, which was probably due to the lack of carbonation in the Rip It Energy Fuel.

This was disappointing because that bite is one of the things that wakes me up when I’m trying to finish a review or if I’m trying to stay up late to watch Ronco infomercials or the softcore porn on HBO.

Another thing I noticed about the Rip It Energy Fuel was that there was almost no aftertaste. This surprised me because just like almost all Ben Affleck movies, most energy drinks with aggro names leave me with a weird aftertaste.

However, the lack of bite and aftertaste made it easier to tank the big 16-ounce can of the berry and citrus flavored Rip It Energy Fuel, which tasted pretty good. Although, it doesn’t taste as good as The Impulsive Buy favorite, Monster Energy Drink.

Anyway, so far, through this entire review I have had a blank sheet of paper in front of me and I honestly have had no urge to rip it, despite just drinking a can of Rip It Energy Fuel. I’m pretty sure the caffeine, taurine, inositol, and guarana must have kicked in by now, but I’m just not feeling it.

Wait. Now that I think about it, maybe I have to try something different.

Now in front of me is a picture of American Idol judge, Simon Cowell.

Nope, don’t feel anything…

Oh, wait a minute, I feel something.

RIP IT!!!

DAMN FRICKIN’ ARROGANT PRICK!!! YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU SUCK, ASSWIPE!!! HOW ABOUT I TEAR THAT SMUG LOOK OFF OF YOUR FACE!!!

RIP IT!!!

Oh, wow! I guess Rip It Energy Fuel does work.

(Editor’s Note: The Impulsive Buy would like to thank CT from the Population Statistic for creating The Impulsive Buy favicon, which can be found in the address bar of your browser…Hopefully.)

Item: Rip It Energy Fuel
Purchase Price: $1.49 (16-ounce)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Nice berry and citrus flavor. Cheap. Big can. Almost no aftertaste.
Cons: Typical green energy drink color. Lack of bite. Rip It Energy Fuel may or may not work, depending on what is being ripped. Simon Cowell.

Holy crap! It’s that time of the month again!

It’s time for this month’s prize drawing, which is when The Impulsive Buy could possibly make your dreams come true, if your dream is to win a very cheap household or food product from some quasi-product review blog, which has a editor that can’t stop stroking his freshly Veet-ed legs.

Anyway, this month, three lucky Impulsive Buy readers will each receive ONE brand new bottle of Poop Water!

To enter this month’s prize drawing, just leave a comment for THIS post with the words “Plop, plop, fizz, fizz” in it and whatever else you would like to say.

Or, if you think I’m a greedy comment whore, you can also enter by sending me an email with the phrase “Plop, plop, fizz, fizz” in the subject field.

If you leave a comment, you must fill out the email field, because I’ll be emailing the winners for their mailing addresses. Don’t worry about the shipping, I’ll take care of it.

The Impulsive Buy will start accepting entries for the drawing on Tuesday, June 14, 2005 and stop accepting entries on Sunday, June 19, 2005. Only one entry allowed per person. The drawing is ONLY open to those in the United States, US Military APOs, and Canada. (Sorry to the rest of the world.)

To determine the winners, I will write the email of each person who enters on a sheet of two-ply toilet paper and then…Um…

Nope, can’t do that, too sloppy.

Um…Can’t do that either, too smelly.

Oh well, I’ll figure it out later. All I know is that determining the winner will involve my toilet, and maybe a plunger.

Good luck!

Fine Print: The Impulsive Buy promises your email address will not be used to send you spam about how you’re entitled to someone’s money in a foreign country you’ve never heard of. The Impulsive Buy also promise your mailing address will not be used to send you America Online CDs that offer you 1000 free hours. Bribes will not be accepted. The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible for lost mail or the stupidity of any parents who allow their children to stay over at the Neverland Ranch.