REVIEW: Gerber Graduates Apple Mini Fruits

There was a time in my life that I wanted to be an astronaut.

There was also another time in my life that I wanted to participate in the Vagina Monologues and express my love for vagina, but that’s for another review.

I didn’t want to become an astronaut for the thrill, glory, or large amounts of Tang, I wanted to become an astronaut because I thought being an astronaut would mean an endless supply of delicious freeze-dried ice cream.

If you’ve never had freeze-dried ice cream, it’s like eating chalk, except in Neapolitan flavors and you aren’t forced to ride in a short yellow bus to school, like you would if you ate chalk.

At night, I would go outside, lay on our driveway, stare at the thousands of stars in the sky, and imagine that I was in outer space and a part of the Mile High Club, which meant something totally different when I was ten years old.

To prepare myself to be an astronaut, I hung upside-down from the monkeybars to experience weightlessness, I jumped up and down on an exercise trampoline to simulate what jumping on the moon would be like, and had my body buried in sand at the beach to experience what g-forces felt like.

I also practiced my cool astronaut tag line if I landed on the moon, “Houston, I’m stepping on the cheese and I’ll cut it later,” which I thought at the time was waaay better than, “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.”

However, my dream to become an astronaut ended when I learned that I could purchase packs of freeze-dried ice cream from a local museum for two dollars each and that my cool astronaut tag line was lame because the moon was less like cheese and more like the face of a pubescent boy whose balls have just dropped.

Since then, my taste for freeze-dried ice cream has been replaced by the freeze-dried marshmallows found in Lucky Charms and Count Chocula.

Recently, my freeze-dried food choices became slightly more expanded thanks to the Gerber Graduates Apple Mini Fruits, which are made from 100% real fruit, contain no preservatives, made for children 12 months or older, and make my hands look huge.

Each bag contains four servings of fruit. However, I don’t know if baby servings and adult servings are different. Even if they are, I got both bases covered, because like most babies, I enjoy sucking on a pacifier once in awhile, and like most adults, I’m potty trained and can watch Rated-R movies.

Just like M&Ms, the Gerber Graduates Apple Mini Fruits melt in your mouth and not in your hands. They have an apple taste, which they should since they’re made from real apples, but the apple flavor isn’t as strong as eating an actual ripe apple.

Or drinking apple juice.

Or eating applesauce.

Or sucking on an apple Jolly Rancher.

Or sucking on a bottle of apple schnapps.

Another thing about the Gerber Graduates Apple Mini Fruits, at 25 calories per serving, they could possibly help you lose weight and help make you as thin as Kate Moss, except without the cocaine use.

Item: Gerber Graduates Apple Mini Fruits
Purchase Price: $2.00 (on sale)
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Low calorie. Made from 100% real fruit. No preservatives. Comes in resealable bag. Freeze-dried ice cream. Melts in your mouth and not in your hands.
Cons: Light apple flavor. Small servings for adults. Never was able to use my astronaut tag line. Never joined the Mile High Club.

28 thoughts on “REVIEW: Gerber Graduates Apple Mini Fruits

  1. Just remember, if you eat these on a plane, you’ll never join the Mile High club! (don’t worry, I’m pushin’ 50 and I’m not in the Mile High club, either!)

  2. Your description of the moon’s surface is so funny – “the face of a pubescent boy whose balls have just dropped”.

    You rock Marvo! Thanks for making me giggle in my cube – you make the workday tolerable!

  3. Well, at least they’re made from apples, rather than some chemical “artificial and natural flavors”, which come from god knows what. That’s probably why they have a light apple flavor – because they’re real apples. I think you SHOULD eat them in public, because then women may think you are eating snacks from your baby’s stash, which makes them think you are a father, which makes them hot for you. And since I’ve asserted many times that the tone of your reviews indicate you need a woman, I think this is a good plan for you. Go forth, young man, with your Gerber Graduates Apple Mini Fruit bait, and capture the woman of your dreams!

  4. How long before we get a dog food review? Come on Marvo, you know those gravy covered beef bits are calling you!

  5. You know, if I was old enough to have a toddler, I’d be one of those moms that would totally end up hooked on baby snacks. I end up nibbling them when I babysit anyway. I can’t buy these though, because I’m 19, and if I’m walking around with baby snacks people will assume I’m an unwed teenage mother who’s a high school drop out.

  6. my son loves these the gerber snacks is the only way i get him to anything other than french fries and corn chips i think its really awesome that you reveiwed these and kevin what does toddler food have to do with dogfood that was an idiotic thing to say

  7. Pel- That plan may backfire. What if the hot girls who see Marvo eating baby snacks think that he’s a BAD father for stealing his child’s food?

    graceless- I don’t think that Kevin meant to compare babies to dogs, if that’s what you think. I think that since Marvo sometimes reviews things that don’t really apply to him (etc. women’s shaving gel, baby food), dog food is the next natural step. There’s no need for name calling.

    And Marvo, I still like freeze dried ice cream. Too bad the only place you can buy them is at museums gift shops.

  8. You know, I was just at the Super WalMart the other night, parked in front of this huge baby food display, looking at this very item. My baby is likely to start eating solids in the next month or two, and I was quite overwhelmed, seeing all of the fancy stuff they’ve come out with for kids since my 4 year old was young enough to eat baby food. Back then, we lived in Hawaii, lived in a teeny apartment in Punchbowl, and had to shop at the Grocery Outlet (a lovely place where you can buy stuff like expired cheese that has been frozen, canned foods without labels, and oddly flavors of Spam that never caught on), so I made all of our baby food. This time, I think I will incorporate healthy and convenient prepared food items, such as these dissolving fruits. Is freeze dried ice cream like those ice cream dots they sell at a stand at the local mall?

  9. i tasted something my friend’s baby was eating that seems like it would be part of gerber graduates. it looked like cereal. it was like pinkish and in flower or snowflake shapes. they were yummy–like cheerios but with that more easily dissolving texture. good for lazy eaters.

  10. This review was awesome because I just noticed the freeze dried fruit this past weekend. I actually wanted to try out the strawberries and bananas variety…

  11. You are a brave man. I tried eating what I fed to my baby and gagged up an intestine. It reminded me of the day I tried a forkful of Chicken flavored 9-Lives canned cat food as a kid. The memory still haunts me.

  12. Oh! Have you had dippin dots? They put freeze-dried ice cream to shame.

    But they’re way more than 25 calories, so you’d have to make peace with being shaped like a normal human or, you know, find some cocaine.

  13. Marcy, you’re awesome. Your review has been the high point of my day! (OK, it’s 12:01 AM, houston time, so the night is still young)

    I went to a space settlement design thingy at NASA. That was.. interesting. I was deprived of REAL food the whole weekend because everything (and I mean everything) had meat in it. I had lettuce sammiches.

    And awww, Marvo! Buy me a ticket to Vienna and I’ll help you join the Mile-high club… when I flew to CA, a man offered me an application.
    … it was odd… written on a napkin, it had a name followed by ten digits, formatted xxx-xxx-xxxx … I’ll never crack the code!

  14. I remember fruit bits like this in grade school, they were a choking hazard. And now they dissolve for you? We’re getting pretty lazy, huh? And astronaut ice cream is very cool, except when you bite into a chunk and it has the texture (and sound) of polystyrene because it hasn’t been moistened by your saliva. I love astronomy and wanted to be an astronaut as a kid, but my parents said there wasn’t enough money in it. I did get to go to Space Camp though, they had Tang but no freeze dried ice cream (which I just found out is kosher).

  15. Gerber has blown away the industry with their Graduate line of products. This is one in a long line of product extensions. To wit, my baby son’s first word was Dad. His second word was ‘Graduate’.

  16. nat – I disagree. These Apple Mini Fruits sort of look like crack, so if I just happened to be sitting next to a crack head, things might happen.

    Chuck – It’s a snack that I especially don’t want to eat in front of a baby because the baby might get jealous and want to kick my ass.

    Sasha_Kitty – I was once a pubescent boy who had his balls drop and when they dropped, I was automatically too old for Michael Jackson.

    Pel – I may attract babes, but I really think eating these would attract babies, and they’re just too young for me. πŸ˜‰

    kevin – HEY! Don’t tempt me! I’ve eaten dog food before and I’ll eat it again!

    Genny From the Burbs – I wonder if I walk about with Scooby Snacks, will people think I can solve mysteries and have a Mystery Machine?

    graceless – I also have in my pantry a Gerber Graduates Ravioli that’s been sitting there for about three months.

  17. Toni – I’m totally craving some freeze-dried ice cream right now. I think I may order some over the Internets.

    Lucy – You know what, I think I will be an astronaut, because I really want to make it to outer space before Lance Bass does. πŸ˜‰

    AmberLB – I’ve never stepped into a Grocery Outlet, because I’m scared to, but there is one near my workplace. As for freeze-dried ice cream, it’s definitely not like Dippin’ Dots.

    caitlin – Trampoline sex sounds dangerous. I’m afraid things could break. πŸ™

    lightpinksheep – Yeah, this would be perfect for people who are too lazy to chew. I used to do that with cheese balls. I wouldn’t chew on them, I’d just suck all the air out of it and let them dissolve. Good times. Good times.

    Jessika – Being someone who enjoys almost everything strawberry and banana flavored, I thought about buying the strawberry and banana version, but I think I’ve reviewed several strawberry and banana products here. I thought it was time for something different and not so missionary position-y.

    Goldberry – At least you didn’t try the liver flavored 9-Lives.

  18. Damon – That place is a Jacko wet dream!

    Mir – The first and last time I had Dippin’ Dot was with my ex-girlfriend, so Dippin’ Dot is on the “Place I Don’t Go Because They Remind Me Of Her” List. πŸ™

    KT – Dudette! He was either giving you his frequent flier miles account number or his serial number for Photoshop.

    klew – I think being an astronaut can also make you a chick magnet because you can use cool pick up lines, like “Have you ever been on a rocket before?”

    catmz – I wonder if Hufu looks like that?

    ShawnD – If your son’s third word was “interdenominationalize,” I think you might have a genius in your hands.

    Webmiztris – Stop pinching me cheeks. I hate when you do that.

  19. I used to eat apricot baby food.

    It just seemed a shame that they made applesauce for grownups but not apricotsauce.

    I finally found some stuff at Trader Joe’s that actually is apricot sauce and it’s much cheaper than those little jars.

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