REVIEW: Gerber Graduates Apple Mini Fruits

There was a time in my life that I wanted to be an astronaut.

There was also another time in my life that I wanted to participate in the Vagina Monologues and express my love for vagina, but that’s for another review.

I didn’t want to become an astronaut for the thrill, glory, or large amounts of Tang, I wanted to become an astronaut because I thought being an astronaut would mean an endless supply of delicious freeze-dried ice cream.

If you’ve never had freeze-dried ice cream, it’s like eating chalk, except in Neapolitan flavors and you aren’t forced to ride in a short yellow bus to school, like you would if you ate chalk.

At night, I would go outside, lay on our driveway, stare at the thousands of stars in the sky, and imagine that I was in outer space and a part of the Mile High Club, which meant something totally different when I was ten years old.

To prepare myself to be an astronaut, I hung upside-down from the monkeybars to experience weightlessness, I jumped up and down on an exercise trampoline to simulate what jumping on the moon would be like, and had my body buried in sand at the beach to experience what g-forces felt like.

I also practiced my cool astronaut tag line if I landed on the moon, “Houston, I’m stepping on the cheese and I’ll cut it later,” which I thought at the time was waaay better than, “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.”

However, my dream to become an astronaut ended when I learned that I could purchase packs of freeze-dried ice cream from a local museum for two dollars each and that my cool astronaut tag line was lame because the moon was less like cheese and more like the face of a pubescent boy whose balls have just dropped.

Since then, my taste for freeze-dried ice cream has been replaced by the freeze-dried marshmallows found in Lucky Charms and Count Chocula.

Recently, my freeze-dried food choices became slightly more expanded thanks to the Gerber Graduates Apple Mini Fruits, which are made from 100% real fruit, contain no preservatives, made for children 12 months or older, and make my hands look huge.

Each bag contains four servings of fruit. However, I don’t know if baby servings and adult servings are different. Even if they are, I got both bases covered, because like most babies, I enjoy sucking on a pacifier once in awhile, and like most adults, I’m potty trained and can watch Rated-R movies.

Just like M&Ms, the Gerber Graduates Apple Mini Fruits melt in your mouth and not in your hands. They have an apple taste, which they should since they’re made from real apples, but the apple flavor isn’t as strong as eating an actual ripe apple.

Or drinking apple juice.

Or eating applesauce.

Or sucking on an apple Jolly Rancher.

Or sucking on a bottle of apple schnapps.

Another thing about the Gerber Graduates Apple Mini Fruits, at 25 calories per serving, they could possibly help you lose weight and help make you as thin as Kate Moss, except without the cocaine use.

Item: Gerber Graduates Apple Mini Fruits
Purchase Price: $2.00 (on sale)
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Low calorie. Made from 100% real fruit. No preservatives. Comes in resealable bag. Freeze-dried ice cream. Melts in your mouth and not in your hands.
Cons: Light apple flavor. Small servings for adults. Never was able to use my astronaut tag line. Never joined the Mile High Club.

28 thoughts to “REVIEW: Gerber Graduates Apple Mini Fruits”

  1. nat – I disagree. These Apple Mini Fruits sort of look like crack, so if I just happened to be sitting next to a crack head, things might happen.

    Chuck – It’s a snack that I especially don’t want to eat in front of a baby because the baby might get jealous and want to kick my ass.

    Sasha_Kitty – I was once a pubescent boy who had his balls drop and when they dropped, I was automatically too old for Michael Jackson.

    Pel – I may attract babes, but I really think eating these would attract babies, and they’re just too young for me. 😉

    kevin – HEY! Don’t tempt me! I’ve eaten dog food before and I’ll eat it again!

    Genny From the Burbs – I wonder if I walk about with Scooby Snacks, will people think I can solve mysteries and have a Mystery Machine?

    graceless – I also have in my pantry a Gerber Graduates Ravioli that’s been sitting there for about three months.

  2. Toni – I’m totally craving some freeze-dried ice cream right now. I think I may order some over the Internets.

    Lucy – You know what, I think I will be an astronaut, because I really want to make it to outer space before Lance Bass does. 😉

    AmberLB – I’ve never stepped into a Grocery Outlet, because I’m scared to, but there is one near my workplace. As for freeze-dried ice cream, it’s definitely not like Dippin’ Dots.

    caitlin – Trampoline sex sounds dangerous. I’m afraid things could break. 🙁

    lightpinksheep – Yeah, this would be perfect for people who are too lazy to chew. I used to do that with cheese balls. I wouldn’t chew on them, I’d just suck all the air out of it and let them dissolve. Good times. Good times.

    Jessika – Being someone who enjoys almost everything strawberry and banana flavored, I thought about buying the strawberry and banana version, but I think I’ve reviewed several strawberry and banana products here. I thought it was time for something different and not so missionary position-y.

    Goldberry – At least you didn’t try the liver flavored 9-Lives.

  3. Damon – That place is a Jacko wet dream!

    Mir – The first and last time I had Dippin’ Dot was with my ex-girlfriend, so Dippin’ Dot is on the “Place I Don’t Go Because They Remind Me Of Her” List. 🙁

    KT – Dudette! He was either giving you his frequent flier miles account number or his serial number for Photoshop.

    klew – I think being an astronaut can also make you a chick magnet because you can use cool pick up lines, like “Have you ever been on a rocket before?”

    catmz – I wonder if Hufu looks like that?

    ShawnD – If your son’s third word was “interdenominationalize,” I think you might have a genius in your hands.

    Webmiztris – Stop pinching me cheeks. I hate when you do that.

  4. I used to eat apricot baby food.

    It just seemed a shame that they made applesauce for grownups but not apricotsauce.

    I finally found some stuff at Trader Joe’s that actually is apricot sauce and it’s much cheaper than those little jars.

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