REVIEW: McDonald’s Asian Salad

McDonald's Asian Salad

Why are Asian salads so attracted to Caucasian men?

You know, I’m all for interracial eating, but Caucasian men are eating all of the Asian salads and I’m afraid that there won’t be any Asian salad for us Asian guys.

Sure I would totally go for a hot Jewish salad from New York or a Greek salad goddess, but there’s something about Asian salads that stand out, like this McDonald’s Asian Salad.

I don’t know if it’s the juicy, curvy mandarin orange wedges; perky soybeans; long, sexy snow peas; warm, orange-glazed grilled chicken; fiery red bell peppers; glistening Newman’s Own All-Natural Low-Fat Sesame Ginger Dressing; or the small, lickable toasted almonds, but something about it makes me want to instantly go down to its bowl and eat it.

So how do I eat it?

First, I’d bite into those juicy, curvy mandarin orange wedges; then suck on those perky soybean; spread open those long, sexy snow peas; then stroke its warm, orange-glazed grilled chicken; rub the glistening Newman’s Own All-Natural Low-Fat Sesame Ginger Dressing all over; and then lightly nibble on the toasted almonds.

I know how to treat Asian salads right. Just ask the Jack in the Box Asian Chicken Salad. Although we didn’t last and I haven’t eaten it in awhile, it would probably say that it enjoyed the time we spent together and any salad would be lucky to have me eat them. Also, it would probably say that I was great at going down on it and not making a big mess or not using the side of the bowl to wipe my mouth.

Some of the things I would do to make an Asian salad feel special is throw away those cheap plastic utensils that come with it and replace them with the finest salad fork stolen from some expensive, fancy restaurant.

Then I would replace the extremely cheap black salad bowl it came in with an old, expensive China bowl that has been passed down by several generations. At least that’s what the shopkeeper in Chinatown told me before I bought them. But I know for sure they were authentic Asian bowls because on the bottom of the bowls it says, “Made in China.”

See I would totally treat the McDonald’s Asian Salad or any other Asian salad right.

Now some of you might be wondering if all of this effort is worth it for this salad. Well let me tell you that it is worth it because it’s very good thanks to the tasty, glistening low-fat sesame ginger dressing from Paul Newman, which makes me thankful that Paul Newman’s salad dressing career is as successful as his movie career and not like the movie career of Pound Nudeman, worst gay porn actor EVER.

It’s also worth all of this effort because it’s got a slim one gram of saturated fat and 290 calories, but still has a hearty 31 grams of protein and 6 grams of fiber, because I like salads with a little booty. Sure, it’s a little salty, but when I look at those juicy, curvy mandarin oranges they totally make up for it.

Plus, I think one McDonald’s Asian Salad is enough to be a meal for almost everyone, especially Asian guys. But there are some guys out there who are able to have two Asian salads at one time. Those guys are lucky.

I hate those guys.

Item: McDonald’s Asian Salad
Price: $5.29
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Tasty, low-fat dressing. Hearty salad. Nice mixture of tastes and textures. One gram of saturated fat. Only 290 calories. 31 grams of protein. 6 grams of fiber. Those juicy, curvy mandarin oranges.
Cons: Slightly pricey. Asian salad being attracted to Caucasian men. Nude Poundman’s gay porn acting career. Guys who get to have two Asian salads at one time.

27 thoughts to “REVIEW: McDonald’s Asian Salad”

  1. Marvo, with your promises for what you do, you totally deserve an Asian woman, er, salad, er just a hot girlfriend!
    Soybeans are a really nice touch, I’d have to say. Never thought of them as perky and – d*mnit – I was going to have some tonight! Nibble nibble.

  2. O that got a rise outta me, i feel so alive….must try it and go down on the bowl. mmm sounds yummy. ill like have a 3some, buy 2 at a time! hahah i rule you cuz i would have a 3some with this. asian stuff is yummy but they do need to shave so i wish this salad isn’t hairy

  3. You can always tell it’s fine china when it says “MADE IN CHINA” in fine letters on the bottom. Of course, that could also be a distinctive tattoo.

    I had some fine Italian pesto salad last night, myself. Those crazy Italians always make you want to come back for more.

  4. Gwen – Soybeans are so suckable.

    DaDead – Most Asians aren’t hairy. However, I am an exception to this rule.

    Gia on Guam – Sure, as long as we don’t make it into a 5-some with a giraffe.

    Chuck – Italian food has sooo many suckable noodles.

  5. It’s because us Caucasians like to eat Asian Salad with our BIG untensils. Maybe that is why they are partial to us. That or our crispy flaky crust.
    Someday I’ll figure out the reason for the attraction.

    Most asians are just bananas, yellow on the outside white in the middle.

  6. gen – It’s what I do best. Making a person feel dirty about eating a hot dog…wayyy to easy. Making a person feel dirty about eating a salad…much harder.

    Gman – Crispy flaky crust? That sounds either like peeling sunburned skin or really bad dandruff.

    skibs – Thanks and I think the salad looks good because it has a plethora of colors.

  7. One day, my wife brought home a southwestern AND an asian from wendy’s. In the proceeding 45 minutes, we had the best Salad EVER. We were sharing both of them, enjoying flavors from around the world. We laid them out on the table and went to town on them. For a while, we were both going down on the asian at the same time!! It was getting freaky and I thought someone was going to get hurt! We did make quite the mess on the table, and the kids were wondering what happened in the kitchen, but it was certainly worth it.

  8. And just think… all those women who are missing out on your salad oriented charms.. And, to your response to Gia.. Dude, EVERYTHING is better with giraffes. Ohhh yea.

  9. This is a Top 10 review, Marvo; I loved it! You must have gotten recharged up in Monterey… the Say Hey Bay it’s not, but it’s the greatest nonetheless…

    I like a good veg salad… very clean and invigorating. You might be surprised at what tofu cubes can do, or rather with what can be done with them… Sweet OR savory or BOTH! It’s all up to you and your imagination.

    I am hopeful the day is soon coming that McDonalds starts using faque chikn, et al, made from seitan ‘n’ soy instead of the “real” thing… and the rest of ’em (BK, W’s, TB, KFC, CJr., etc.) follow suit…

    Till that day, I’ll still read your reviews of stuff I’ll never eat ’cause you make me smile. Thanks!!!

  10. Don’t giraffes have the longest tounge of any animal? Sounds like there is some potential there…

  11. Jude – Your poor kids are traumatized. They’re probably going to go to therapy because of it. 😉

    Andy – Imagine if there were cherry tomatoes in the salad. It would’ve been more fun.

    Karen – I think the day McDonald’s starts using faque chikn is when we’re all driving Hummers that get 100 miles per gallon.

    thedvs01 – Longest tongue? Must find peanut butter. a giraffe, and a ladder.

    skibs – Well you know what they say, “More cushion for the…” Oh wait, that wouldn’t apply.

    ultradave – If it’s not disturbing, I’m not doing my job.

  12. 4 out of 5?! I thought it was pretty nasty. The Wendy’s Mandarin Chicken Salad is much better. I did like the edamame though.

  13. Angel H. – Maybe mine was better because I had actual Asians teenagers making it. Just a thought.

  14. Oh god… between the review and the Pound Nudeman and all the giraffe comments, I don’t know if I should go take a shower, or lie down for some private time, or light up an almond sliver, or WHAT.

    But I’m craving this salad now. Does this mean that “I’m kinda gay”?

  15. Webmiztris – As long as it’s leafy and full of color, I’ll eat it.

    Glitterati – I say you should lie down in a shower with a giraffe.

  16. That’s it. Next time I take my kids to McD’s I am going to have to order this salad. It looks so yummy in the pics, but I always wondered if it was worth the hefty price. Sounds like it! Soybeans. Yummmmm!

    Glad to see you back, Marvo!

  17. AmberLB – Mmm…Soybeans. I don’t know if the salad is worth the $5.29 I paid for it, but it’s probably worth the significantly cheaper price you’ll probably pay for it, since you don’t live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

  18. Thanks for reviewing this salad, Marvo. I started off the year doing well in terms of eating healthier stuff for lunch, but for the past month and a half, I haven’t been able to bring myself to order any salads at all (they’re usually so…unfulfilling). Your review convinced me to give this one a shot today.

    It’s damn good. Lots of good flavors, nice little crunch from the almonds, and actually healthy without having to remember to specify the low-fat dressing or no bacon/cheese/mayo/whatever.

    Worth noting that with the low-fat Sesame Ginger dressing, the totals move to 380 calories, 12 g fat, 1.5 g sat fat, 1570 mg sodium. Why is everything so full of sodium??

    Regardless, if I can order this even 60% of the time I’m at McD’s (which is far too often), it’ll be a positive step forward…

  19. TG – Hey, McDonald’s can’t help it if they aren’t as creative as JITB or Burger King or Wendy’s or Carl’s Jr.

    Adrian – I think salt makes up for the fact that there isn’t much fat, plus salt makes everything taste better.

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