REVIEW: Grapple

MARVO: Today, I’m here with Mother Nature to discuss the Grapple, which is an apple that tastes like a grape. So Mother Nature, what do you think of this Grapple?

MOTHER NATURE: First off, are you pronouncing it right? Shouldn’t it be “gr-apple,” like I grappled you to the ground and beat your little punk ass.

MARVO: Well on the packaging, it’s printed as “gra-pple,” like you’re saying the words “gray” and “pull.”

MOTHER NATURE: Whatever, little man. Let me just say that I don’t believe in these man-made hybrid fruits. It’s kind of fucked up if you ask me, because it’s not the way mother fuckin’ Mother Nature intended it. So how do they make these mother fuckin’ Grapples?

MARVO: Well they take a Fuji apple and soak it in a Concord grape concentrate. The process doesn’t add any extra calories or sugars to the apple and it doesn’t alter the texture of it either. With the Grapples I’ve tried, they have a strong Welch’s grape juice kind of smell, but unfortunately it doesn’t have a grape taste that is as equally as strong. Despite that, they are pretty good. Pretty impressive, eh?

MOTHER NATURE: Should I be impressed with the fact that someone created a mother fuckin’ apple that tastes like a mother fuckin’ grape? Come on, I’m mother fuckin’ Mother Nature, bitch. I don’t need to soak an apple in grape concentrate to make a Grapple, all I have to do is just snap my fingers to make one. Want a Grapple?

MARVO: Um, sure. So snapping your fingers is all you need to do?

MOTHER NATURE: Damn straight, because I’m mother fuckin’ Mother Nature. Ya heard.

(Mother Nature snaps her fingers and a Grapple appears)

MOTHER NATURE: Booyah! There’s a mother fuckin’ Grapple for yo’ ass! Did I just blow your mind, like I’m mother fuckin’ Mindfreak, yo! You humans are crazy, using genetic engineering and cross-pollination to form new “species,” but all I have to do is just snap my fingers, like I’m in a doo-wop group. Because why?

MARVO: Um, because you’re mother fuckin’ Mother Nature?

MOTHER NATURE: That’s right, little man. You want a strawloupe?

MARVO: What’s a strawloupe and what’s doo-wop?

(Mother Nature snaps her fingers and a strawloupe appears)

MOTHER NATURE: A strawloupe! A strawberry that tastes like a cantaloupe, bitch. Try it or else I’ll make lightning strike yo’ ass.

(Marvo tries the strawloupe)

MARVO: Hey! This is pretty good, Mother Nature.

MOTHER NATURE: Damn right it’s good, because I’m mother fuckin’ Mother Nature. You better recognize. It’s the way that Mother Nature intended it, bitch. How about a pearch? It’s a peach that tastes like a pear. Or a mangorange? It’s a orange that tastes like a mango. Or how about a banagerine? It’s a tangerine that tastes like a banana. I can do this all mother fuckin’ day, yo!

MARVO: Um, this is all fine and dandy, but can I get a few more Grapples, because they’re kind of expensive at five bucks for a four-pack.

MOTHER NATURE: Five bucks for four? Damn, that’s expensive. Thank goodness I’m mother fuckin’ Mother Nature and I can make Grapples with a snap of my fingers, because I couldn’t afford this shit on a regular basis. My name ain’t Bill Gates.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Impulsive Buy reader Derrick for letting me know about Grapples. Now I must find his other suggestion, the Turducken.)

Item: Grapple
Price: $4.99 (4-pack)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Pretty good. It’s a frickin’ apple that tastes like a grape. Totally smells like Welch’s grape juice. NOT genetically engineered. Mother Nature’s power to make new fruits and to strike my ass with lightning.
Cons: Grape taste is not as strong as its grape smell. Kind of expensive for just four apples. Mother Nature’s dropping of excessive F-bombs. Pissing off Mother Nature. Trying to pronounce Grapple. Mother Nature’s reference to doo-wop. Mother Nature is a bitch.

35 thoughts on “REVIEW: Grapple

  1. Mendel must be rolling over in his grave. It’s only a matter of time before the grapples take over the Earth. I’m curious to taste it, though.

    Grapple pie, anyone?

  2. It seems like a bargain to me. I couldn’t even get 4 normal apples for $5 (or equivalent in yen) here in Japan.

  3. Ace N. – If Grapples take over the Earth, I will lead the resistance, sort of like John Connor.

    skibs – I’m little in so many ways.

    Melbatoast – Well, if a square melon in Japan costs about $100, I figure apples should be about $5.

  4. Oh my, I’m not sure what’s more offensive: grape-flavored apples or Mother Nature’s tech-nine. Assuming she’s packin’.

  5. I got those a year or two ago. Pretty gross I thought. Also I remember the ingredients saying grape juice or something like that that made it sound not natural. I’m pretty sure it is an actual apple w/ grape juice inserted.

  6. Cool, I wanted to try these but was too cheap to pay more than a buck for an apple, even a grape-flavored one. And now I don’t have to!

    Now I’m anxiously awaiting the Turducken review. Though I hesitate to buy that myself not because of price, but because they’re only found in the “discontinued” section of my grocery store. That’s not such a good predictor of flavor.

  7. They actually sound disgusting, though I’m glad they’re not genetically engineered. This review goes in your hall of fame, if you ask me.

  8. Mother Nature sounds cold hearted :\ at least you got “free” grapples from her marvo heh

  9. This has been on my growing list of things to blog about as well…. they can add 5 cents worth of grape juice flavor and turn a 25 cent apple into a dollar. Wow. I think no matter how hard they try to get you to pronounce it like Gray-Pull, most people I am sure will still pronounce it like Crap-Hole.

  10. Pro: being the first person in the history of the known universe to taste a strawloupe.

    Con: mixing up the order of “fruit it looks like” and “fruit it tastes like” in made up fruit names.

  11. So they take flavorless apples, soak them in grape juice, and call them grapples? I’d take a nice crisp Jonagold or Gala any day over something that’s been soaked in the juice of another fruit. It is sort of incestuous.

  12. Domokun – I wasn’t going to look under her dress to find out.

    Archebaldo – Injected with grape juice? Well we should be glad that it wasn’t injected with THE JUICE.

    Wednesday – I don’t know about that Turducken review. Other people keep adding more and more poultry to it, so I’m waiting for the point when they stuff the Turducken in a pig and then stuff the pig into a cow.

    Bleached Rukia – Because Mother Nature is a bad ass mutha and so is Samuel L. Jackson.

    damasta – I think Father Time just keeps his mouth shut and lets her get away with everything.

    Lisa – I don’t believe I have a Hall of Fame. Hall of Shame…Yes. Hall of Fame…No. 🙁

    Justin – That would be the BEST Snapple name ever.

    L’il E – I sometimes wonder, does Texas have any salads? There’s a lot of barbeque and deep frying.

    dadead – Unfortunately, there were razor blades in them. Yeah, Mother Nature is a bitch.

    Lizzy – I wasn’t going to ask, because she could totally bitch slap me.

    Jude – I’m sure the grape juice flavor is a lot cheaper than that.

    klew – You know, that mixing up fruit names thing, you can talk to Mother Nature about that, but I wouldn’t because who knows what sudden weather she may bring is you try to correct her.

    Abi – Oh, incestuous. It’s one of my favorite words to say. It sounds like it’s a sexy word to say, but in reality it’s not.

    Gia on Guam – As long as there aren’t any bones in it, I’m game.

  13. Omg dude, you remembered about this and the turducken and really went out to find it! Plus, you gave me a shoutout!! I feel all special and warm inside, oh wait, I just shat myself….

  14. Not my kind of apple, but glad you liked it. Personally, I’d rather have a strawloupe. It sounds sophisticated. LOL.

    This is a great site, Marvo. Keep it up! 🙂

  15. Sa-what? Oh yer talkin’ ’bout iceberg soaked in Ranch dressing. Yeah, we got some o’ that. You can even get a pale, thin slice of tomato with that if’n ya’ want. That’s what ya’ eat between yer barbecued and the chicken-fried courses.

    Actually, I’m a vegaquarian (I eats the fishes but no other meats) and mostly avoid dairy and eggs. In Austin, the only place in Texas you could live without regularly injecting a quart of lard straight into a major artery daily, we actually have some of the best vegetarian restaurants and “progressive” (organic/natural) grocers in the country (Whole Foods actually started in Austin). San Francisco and Chicago still have us beat as far as some of the restaurants and Seattle and Portland have us beat on groovy natural co-op grocers though.

  16. I’m speechless… I’ve never heard of Grapple! Turduken sounds interesting though — I just don’t know anyone who makes it and I sure as hell ain’t attemptin’ that shit myself…

  17. Derrick – Just to let you know, shout outs from me don’t really count for much.

    Brie – Thanks, Brie! Strawloupe does sound like something for sophisticated people, much like Brie cheese.

    Derrick – Would it have seeds? Green seeds?

    L’il E – Sorry, it’s just this stereotype I have from watching wayyyy to many hours of the Food Network.

    TG – Well, it’s definitely shit, but not Grade-A. Perhaps Grade-D, like the meat they used to serve us in my dorm’s cafeteria.

    Joe – Besides the possible heart attack and the cost, that’s another reason why I probably won’t try it.

    Webmiztris – Cooking a regular turkey is hard enough. Also, shouldn’t we be afraid of foods that start with the word “turd?”

    Mellie Helen – Don’t forget the F-bombs!

  18. Do you really think mother fuckin’ Mother Nature is limited to fruit? I doubt it. It sounds like she may have had quite a few schnapples. And maybe some tequilope.

  19. Public Service Announcement: be sure to read the packaging carefully, everyone. Because by accident I bought a four-pack of Crapple, and lemme tell you it was not a pleasant surprise.

  20. I saw turduckens at a Pensacola, Florida gas station. That was enough to stop any turducken urges in me.

  21. B-Dawg – Mmm…Vodkaberry would be awesome.

    Chuck – Maybe it would be called appe, because I think people would get it confused with monkeys if it were named just ape.

    Jay Nickola – I hope that it was not brown. 🙁

    Peachy – Why am I not surprised you saw a turducken at a gas station.

  22. I would love to see what one of these tastes like but i’m too cheap (read: poor journalist) to buy ’em!

Comments are closed.