REVIEW: Cocaine Energy Drink

Cocaine Energy Drink

I NEED A YAK RIGHT NOW, SO I CAN WRESTLE IT!

There’s been a lot of hype surrounding the new Cocaine Energy Drink, which doesn’t contain any illegal cocaine, but supposedly does try to recreate some of the feelings one would receive after doing a few lines of yeyo, which is Kate Moss’ favorite past time. For the past few hours, I’ve been feeling — and yelling — the effects of it.

I AM WOMAN! HEAR ME ROAR!

The makers of Cocaine Energy Drink claim that it has 350 times more energy than Red Bull, giving drinkers energy that lasts for up to five hours, and doesn’t make you crash after those five hours are up. With 280 milligrams of caffeine per 8.4 ounce can, it almost has three times the amount of caffeine in a can of Red Bull. I’m typing this at 3 o’clock in the morning and I’m frickin’ wired.

ROMY AND MICHELE’S HIGH SCHOOL REUNION IS THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER!

Although, I don’t know if the wired feeling I’m having is because of the 280 milligrams of caffeine, 750 milligrams of taurine, 100 milligrams of inositol, B vitamins, 50 milligrams of L-Carnitine, 250 milligrams of D-Ribose, and 25 milligrams of guarana, or because of the slight burning sensation in my mouth, throat, and chest. I didn’t even drink half of the can yet.

I’M WALKING ON SUNSHINE, WOOAH! I’M WALKING ON SUNSHINE, WOOAH! I’M WALKING ON SUNSHINE, WOOAH! AND DON’T IT FEEL GOOD!

After opening the can, there’s a definite cherry scent to it and after the first sip I took it had kind of lame cherry flavor to it, but once the burning/numbing feeling started in my mouth and throat, all sips after that didn’t really have a taste to them. It was like the Cocaine Energy Drink numbed my taste buds. But once the burning/numbing feeling went away, I could taste the cherry flavor again.

I’M A LITTLE TEA POT SHORT AND STOUT! HERE IS MY HANDLE! HERE IS MY SPOUT! WHEN I GET ALL STEAMED UP HEAR ME SHOUT! TIP ME OVER AND POUR ME OUT!

The burning/numbing feeling is not the only weird effect I’m having with the Cocaine Energy Drink. On several occasion, while sipping from the can, I would cough for some strange reason. Once in awhile my heart feels like it’s going to explode. Also, my nose feels runny.

I AM XENA, WARRIOR PRINCESS! AI YAI YAI YAI YAI YAI!

Earlier in the day, I decided to drink about a third of a can before I went for my afternoon jog, since there have been studies that show caffeine has an effect on athletic performance. It turned out to be one of best jogging sessions I’ve had in awhile.

I AM A NIPPLE AND I AM TOTALLY PERKY RIGHT NOW!

I just finished the 8.4-ounce can of Cocaine Energy Drink, but I didn’t drink it at a normal pace. I’ve been nursing it for over three hours and I finally finished it by mixing it with some vodka, which turned out all right. I have three cans of Cocaine Energy Drink left, but I don’t think I’ll be drinking them for a while, because I’m tired of yelling.

NICKLEBACK AND CREED ARE THE GREATEST BANDS EVER!

Item: Cocaine Energy Drink
Price: $17.50 (for 4 cans – not including shipping)
Purchased at: eBay
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Definitely gave me energy. Loaded with caffeine. Doesn’t contain high fructose corn syrup. Decent with vodka. Supposedly there’s no energy crash. Helped with my afternoon jog.
Cons: Overhyped. Doesn’t taste very good. Burning/numbing effect. No yaks around to wrestle. Had to buy them off of eBay. Caused coughing, heart exploding feeling, and a runny nose feeling. Creed and Nickleback. Yelling nonsense.

46 thoughts on “REVIEW: Cocaine Energy Drink

  1. Well it certainly sounds like they got the side effects right, or, um, at least from what I’ve heard. I think the nipple line may be my favorite of all time. Totally perky.

  2. Damn, it sounds almost as expensive as cocaine, anyhow. For a truly invigorating experience, why not combine it with some habanero jerky?

  3. It was only mildly scary until your last exclamation. That’s beyond frightening.

    (This drink sounds like it should be illegal.)

  4. WAY TO GO on a GREAT review. not only does it have your trademark EXCELLENT writing, it is also awesomely NEWSY. (this writing-in-caps thing is CATCHY!) did you actually go to the trouble of buying these on ebay? if so, i’ll say it as AC/DC would: WE SALUTE YOU

  5. i am so afraid for you right now. this is when i’m glad you’re on a rock in the middle of the pacific ocean…

  6. Man, now I REALLY want some.

    This review makes it seem like a wonderful, magical wonderdrink, what with all the capital letters and such!

  7. I tried this drink and it is disgusting. I couldn’t make it past 2 sips. I’m glad someone had the balls to down the whole thing. Awesome review, maybe I’ll be inspired and try again.

  8. Once again, you’re taking another for the team. I’ll have to find something even more disgusting to send you–you know, see if you’re up for it. Maybe my own original product in a can or bottle. Giggle.

  9. Thank you for your bravery in product testing, I now know to avoid that stuff like the plague, I was actually thinking trying it. :shudder:

  10. Hey Marvo, I have a test for you. Try tanking a can (nah, maybe only half of a can – wouldn’t want you to die), turn on your favorite “Adult flick” and see how long you can last. *disclaimer* if your peepee explodes and you become asexual, it’s not my fault! ๐Ÿ™‚

  11. L’il E – After you posted your comment, I had to tweak the nipple line a little bit. I played with the nipple line a bit. Actually maybe I played with the nipple line a little too long.

    Chuck – Honestly, I would prefer the habanero jerky over the Cocaine Energy Drink, but together I think it would be like have a party in hell in my mouth.

    Robyn – It was the energy drink that made me say it. Right now, I would never admit that.

    Wednesday – I’m betting it’s the inositol, because I have no idea what it does.

    TG – I knew if there would be one place that would have them, it would be eBay. I also knew I would have to pay an arm and a leg to buy some. Thankfully, I still have another arm and leg.

    jenn – At the time when I wrote this review, I probably had enough energy to swim to the West Coast.

    Rhawb – First off, Creed sucks! Secondly, thanks for the YouTube link, that was funny, and I just spent another hour looking through other videos.

    KT – Seriously…just say no to Cocaine Energy Drink and capital letters.

  12. Webmiztris – Just don’t drink it when high, it might ruin it.

    Kate – I had to drink the whole thing, because if I didn’t I wouldn’t be doing my job as a quasi-product review blog editor.

    Domokun – That “giggle” at the end of your comment scares me.

    Barb – I think it’s something that everyone should try, just to say, “I tried cocaine.”

    The Other ‘M’ – Hmm…which adult flick should I choose. Asian Pleasure 14, Asian Mommies 24, Japanese Poontang 31, or Asian Asses 8.

    Melanie – “Dangerous yet fun” that’s the same description I hear when playing with a bull while wearing a red jumpsuit.

    Twisted Dog – You know, that’s the only Lisa Kudrow movie I can think of.

    Jen – Yeah, I read that too, but who know when that will happen.

  13. THAT SOUNDS GREAT! I WANT SOME!

    Seriously, I am going to see if Woodmans (_masssive_ (>225,000 sq ft) supermarket) has it tomorrow. They have a whole aisle for energy drinks alone.

    I really want a can of this shit. It does sound like something that should be illegal. Wonder if they would sell me a bottle of vodka too. Think it would mix in with really cheap beer the neighbor leaves unlocked? Or, anybody you know makes fake Wisconsin IDs?

  14. They bottle up that stuff not far from where we live. Not surprisingly, it’s also the city next to where Floyd Landis is from. So yeah, we all do drugs around here.

    I’ve been wanting to try that drink but I’ve been fearful of having to buy it covertly from 7-11 at midnight and still having a huge giant strobe light turned on me and being surrounded by a mob of accusatory, angry soccer moms. I’ll be sure to let them know who you are and where you live though!

  15. Just wanted to say I got my Mystery Box of Mystery, and THANK YOU!

    The Wasabi Funyuns were amazing. I’m going to have to hunt down another bag here in the cold wilds of Philadelphia.

  16. Marvo, this stuff sounds frightening. Hell, I wouldn’t try it if you paid me. The side effects are weird. Stick to Red Bull or Monster from now on for your jogging sessions.

  17. Marvo, speaking of energy drinks, I just tried Steven Seagal’s energy drink, Lightning Bolt – Asian Experience flavor. If this Cocaine stuff can top the absolutely HORRIFIC taste and burnination of that stuff, I will be simply floored. That stuff costs $.98 for a reason, trust me!

  18. Great review! That almost makes me want to drink that at work. Anything to help me deal with customer service. But I’m afraid that I’ll just start randomly shouting at people (would that be so bad?)

  19. Muneer – Sorry, I don’t even know of anyone here that makes fake IDs.

    Josie – Drink Cocaine and I’m sure you’ll be able to handle any angry soccer moms that come your way. If not, just scream at the top of your lungs, “PINEAPPLE PIRATES ARE AFTER MY BOOTY!!!” That will probably make them think twice about messing with you and slowly walk away.

    Sarah – Now that I’m back to normal, R&MHSR was a good movie, but I take back the “greatest movie ever” part.

    DaDead – No, not erect nipples on me. I am a gigantic nipple.

    Rich Anderson – Um…sorry it took months to get to you, but I’m glad you like it.

    Brie – How about I give you…hmm, let’s see how much I have in between my couch cushions…4 pennies and big ball of lint? ๐Ÿ™‚

    Rhawb – Ever since I heard of it, I’ve been wanting to know if it’s as bad as Steven Seagal’s acting or his ponytail. I saw that it’s available on Amazon, but I could probably find it on eBay.

    KAREN – Hmm, are you sure you didn’t just drink one?

    Suzanne – I french kissed a dog…oh wait, we’re not admitting our most embarrassing animal bodily fluid stories.

    Diana – Only if they start the random shouting…and if the calls aren’t recorded.

  20. It’s been awhile since I’ve chimed in but this stuff would be perfect for any outing in SF. In addition to the wild hair I’ve been sporting, this would cement my “crazy” and people will not only be frightened enough leave me alone, but the homeless will stop asking me for money.

  21. wow. i want some of this. i wonder if the local gas station would carry it? hmmm. maybe one day when im not some lazy college student, ill take the 5 minute walk, in the mean time….pass me a beer

    awesome review.

    Peace

  22. I just happened to stumble across your site today…wonderful! Spent the last 30 minutes reading and need more! I must buy a can of this so I can read from start to finish. Unfortunatley it will probably put me in a diabetic coma – but hey ho!

    Cracking good read!

  23. Gia in the City by the Bay – Just don’t snort it up your nose.

    B-rad – 5 minutes…back in my day we used to walk 15 minutes to get to a class that was across campus from the dorms. Then we’d stop going to class and just take the final, hoping that cramming the night before will boost our grade to a C.

    Bryan – What if the members of each band formed a super band, kind of like Audioslave, but not even close to being as good as Audioslave.

    dramastically – Um…Halloween passed. Sorry you didn’t get the can, but if you like I will save it for you, just in case you want to play WoW for 24 hours straight.

    Peachy – Thanks Peachy!

    Kai – You’re absolutely, positively right.

    Richard – Thanks for the compliment! But you don’t have to read all the reviews, only one in fifty are any good.

  24. I muuussssstttttttt try this drink.

    (Says the girl who arrived to work at 6 freaking AM!)

    Perhaps… just perhaps… this could be better than all the black coffee and caffine-full liquids I digest to help me awaken and join the living!

    ::snores::

  25. This stuff is amazing, gives a buzz similar to small amounts of the real thing, although can almost be the same price. No euphoria from this stuff thou, but gets the job done and gives a u a kick, and definaetly changes how you feel.

  26. Heather Feather – Just don’t snort it up your nose.

    P.Escobar – Never had the real thing, although I did try to snort flour once. That was a bad idea.

    K – Caffeine is soooo good.

  27. Marvo – luckily now you dont have to try the real thing to get the experience, try this energy drink and have an orgasm at the same time, id say that would be pretty damn close to a few bumps of the real thing.

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