REVIEW: Cocaine Energy Drink

Cocaine Energy Drink

I NEED A YAK RIGHT NOW, SO I CAN WRESTLE IT!

There’s been a lot of hype surrounding the new Cocaine Energy Drink, which doesn’t contain any illegal cocaine, but supposedly does try to recreate some of the feelings one would receive after doing a few lines of yeyo, which is Kate Moss’ favorite past time. For the past few hours, I’ve been feeling — and yelling — the effects of it.

I AM WOMAN! HEAR ME ROAR!

The makers of Cocaine Energy Drink claim that it has 350 times more energy than Red Bull, giving drinkers energy that lasts for up to five hours, and doesn’t make you crash after those five hours are up. With 280 milligrams of caffeine per 8.4 ounce can, it almost has three times the amount of caffeine in a can of Red Bull. I’m typing this at 3 o’clock in the morning and I’m frickin’ wired.

ROMY AND MICHELE’S HIGH SCHOOL REUNION IS THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER!

Although, I don’t know if the wired feeling I’m having is because of the 280 milligrams of caffeine, 750 milligrams of taurine, 100 milligrams of inositol, B vitamins, 50 milligrams of L-Carnitine, 250 milligrams of D-Ribose, and 25 milligrams of guarana, or because of the slight burning sensation in my mouth, throat, and chest. I didn’t even drink half of the can yet.

I’M WALKING ON SUNSHINE, WOOAH! I’M WALKING ON SUNSHINE, WOOAH! I’M WALKING ON SUNSHINE, WOOAH! AND DON’T IT FEEL GOOD!

After opening the can, there’s a definite cherry scent to it and after the first sip I took it had kind of lame cherry flavor to it, but once the burning/numbing feeling started in my mouth and throat, all sips after that didn’t really have a taste to them. It was like the Cocaine Energy Drink numbed my taste buds. But once the burning/numbing feeling went away, I could taste the cherry flavor again.

I’M A LITTLE TEA POT SHORT AND STOUT! HERE IS MY HANDLE! HERE IS MY SPOUT! WHEN I GET ALL STEAMED UP HEAR ME SHOUT! TIP ME OVER AND POUR ME OUT!

The burning/numbing feeling is not the only weird effect I’m having with the Cocaine Energy Drink. On several occasion, while sipping from the can, I would cough for some strange reason. Once in awhile my heart feels like it’s going to explode. Also, my nose feels runny.

I AM XENA, WARRIOR PRINCESS! AI YAI YAI YAI YAI YAI!

Earlier in the day, I decided to drink about a third of a can before I went for my afternoon jog, since there have been studies that show caffeine has an effect on athletic performance. It turned out to be one of best jogging sessions I’ve had in awhile.

I AM A NIPPLE AND I AM TOTALLY PERKY RIGHT NOW!

I just finished the 8.4-ounce can of Cocaine Energy Drink, but I didn’t drink it at a normal pace. I’ve been nursing it for over three hours and I finally finished it by mixing it with some vodka, which turned out all right. I have three cans of Cocaine Energy Drink left, but I don’t think I’ll be drinking them for a while, because I’m tired of yelling.

NICKLEBACK AND CREED ARE THE GREATEST BANDS EVER!

Item: Cocaine Energy Drink
Price: $17.50 (for 4 cans – not including shipping)
Purchased at: eBay
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Definitely gave me energy. Loaded with caffeine. Doesn’t contain high fructose corn syrup. Decent with vodka. Supposedly there’s no energy crash. Helped with my afternoon jog.
Cons: Overhyped. Doesn’t taste very good. Burning/numbing effect. No yaks around to wrestle. Had to buy them off of eBay. Caused coughing, heart exploding feeling, and a runny nose feeling. Creed and Nickleback. Yelling nonsense.

46 thoughts on “REVIEW: Cocaine Energy Drink

  1. This stuff is amazing, gives a buzz similar to small amounts of the real thing, although can almost be the same price. No euphoria from this stuff thou, but gets the job done and gives a u a kick, and definaetly changes how you feel.

  2. Heather Feather – Just don’t snort it up your nose.

    P.Escobar – Never had the real thing, although I did try to snort flour once. That was a bad idea.

    K – Caffeine is soooo good.

  3. Marvo – luckily now you dont have to try the real thing to get the experience, try this energy drink and have an orgasm at the same time, id say that would be pretty damn close to a few bumps of the real thing.

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