REVIEW: Colgate Max Fresh Kiss Me Mint

I need a Monica Lewinsky.

I’m not talking about the alcoholic beverage called Monica Lewinsky, which includes blue curacao liquor (representing her infamous blue dress), coconut rum (representing the infamous stain on her blue dress), vodka, stirred with a cigar, and garnished with a mini black thong.

Nor am I talking about the ham-filled Monica Lewinsky sandwich, the head-bobbing Monica Lewinsky dance, or the Monica Lewinsky tooth brushing technique.

What I’m trying to say is that I need an intern here at The Impulsive Buy.

Preferably a woman, even an ugly one, like that Sanjaya chick on American Idol.

Oh wait, I’ve just been told that Sanjaya is a dude. Are we sure about that?

Anyway, TIB needs an intern because I don’t really have a way to find out whether the Colgate Max Fresh Kiss Me Mint toothpaste actually makes me kissable or makes my kisses taste delicious. I know lots of beer with Barry White music playing in the background makes me kissable and so does a paper bag over my head with a picture of Luke Wilson’s face taped to it.

Having a female intern would give me someone I could make out with — for review purposes only — and she would be able to give me instant feedback on how effective the Colgate Max Fresh Kiss Me Mint toothpaste is. Sure I could turn to anyone of my usual make out partners; my pillows, my bathroom mirror, or the Winona Ryder wallpaper on computer monitor, but none of them would give me feedback.

Well actually the computer monitor does make my lips warm, my pillows might give me pimples around my mouth, and my bathroom mirror might give me herpes, but those are not the types of feedback I’m looking for.

As you can see from the picture, the Colgate Max Fresh Kiss Me Mint toothpaste is packed with mini breath strips. Just like the gold flakes in Goldschläger, the breath strips seem to be there only for decoration because they don’t make the toothpaste any more minty than others.

However, its minty berry flavor is good and its minty sweet taste reminds me of a kid’s toothpaste, which makes brushing a little enjoyable instead of the repetitive necessary chore that it is. So I guess with its good minty berry flavor, it could possibly make me kissable…or tolerable.

If I had an intern right now to make out with, they would probably agree with me. Heck, I’m at the point that I would even consider a dude as an intern. Hey, it’s not gay if it’s done for review purposes, I imagine I’m making out with Eva Longoria, and most importantly, I don’t get an erection.

Item: Colgate Max Fresh Kiss Me Mint
Price: $3.29
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Minty berry flavor is good. Kind of reminds me of a kid’s toothpaste. Female interns. Possibly makes me kissable or tolerable. Lots of beer definitely makes me kissable.
Cons: Mini breath strips are useless. Having sexual relations with female interns. Sanjaya is still on American Idol. TIB’s lack of an intern. My current make out partners: my pillow, my bathroom mirror, and my monitor wallpaper of Winona Ryder.

25 thoughts on “REVIEW: Colgate Max Fresh Kiss Me Mint

  1. I’ve been using Kiss Me Mint toothpaste for the last couple weeks, and I think it tastes a little like kids’ cough syrup, that they try to make fruit flavored but can’t quite cover up the medicine yuckiness. It’s okay, but I wouldn’t get it again. The green Colgate flavor with breath strips (I forget what that flavor is called) is great!

  2. You offering benefits with this internship? Something other than guaranteed minty fresh breath?

  3. Hey, if you’re desperate for a live kissing partner, you could always ask your roommate. Of course, that might mean you’d be looking for a new roommate rather quickly.

    The green Colgate flavor is called “Clean Mint” and I’ve been using it for several months. I like it fine, but I agree the mini breath strips are rather gimmicky and don’t add anything to make the toothpaste Xtreme.

  4. Well, if the mini breath strips are a gimmick it is certainly an effective one. I’m using a new Colgate flavor too. I don’t remember which one (it’s in a shiny blue tube, and I’m too lazy to get up and check) but I distinctly remember buying it because I thought the breath strips were amusing. XD

  5. seriously? when you think of hot guy you think of Luke Wilson? If I was going to put a bag over your head and tape of photo to it, it would be only be of the best, baby, and that would be Johnny Depp. 🙂

  6. Friggin’ Sanjaya. He’s turned a perfectly mediocre show into complete crap.
    Those cut up breath strips are useless, huh? Too bad, I was thinking about buying the toothpaste for that very reason. LOL.

    Marvo, I’d be happy to intern, but you need to elaborate on the kissing. It does include tongue, right?

  7. I like that this toothpaste is pink and has confetti in it. This is because I am a girl.

    Also, I’d like to apply for the available position. My resume will prove I have lots of experience kissing bloggers, and, if you’d like, I could wear my hair in the infamous pony tail faux-hawk Sanjaya coined.

    One question, however. Will I get college credit for this?

  8. wait wait wait.. if it’s kiss me mint toothpaste.. why in hell is it PURPLE? doesn’t mint make you think of the colour green? or is it just me??

  9. those breath strips are definitely bits of confetti.. personally i’m not a fan of any kind of toothpaste that isn’t just regular mint flavour.. at the moment i have hello kitty tutti frutti paste sitting on my shelf (don’t ask why).. anything other than minty-mint doesn’t feel like it is actually properly cleaning my teeth, you know what i mean?

  10. Tell me, Marvo, when you say intern, are you referring to a paid internship, or an unpaid one? Because you want to be careful of people that will take your money so that you can kiss them.

    I’m just saying.

  11. I think you really need to work internship into the Impulsive Buy budget, because every product tester needs a sexy assistant – like magicians, you know? They get the spangly-suited chicks. You need one of those.

  12. Making out with your bathroom mirror….. isn’t that essentially making out with yourself? Hrmm, would that be considered to be gay? That’s a puzzler…..

  13. Lola – But does it make you kissable? Or does it get rid of your cough?

    Domokun – I’ll probably make the intern get me Jamba Juice and bottled water, so knowing that you’ve kept me hydrated would also probably be a benefit. I’ll also probably give tips, like if you have cats, don’t own a sandbox.

    Chuck – If only my roommate was here. He stays over at his girlfriend’s place and gets to make out with her.

    Meryl – I guess I’m a sucker for things mini, like mini breath strips and Mini Coopers.

    tanya – Lots of energy drinks and free condoms. I have way too many free condoms.

    tyler – I smell Winona Ryder Is Hot Fan Club!!!

    Webmiztris – I think I’ve referenced Johnny Depp too much. Along with K-Fed, Britney, and Star Jones. Needed some new names.

  14. Brie – It does include tongue, but no teeth.

    Natalia – Sorry, no college credit. Just kissing and many trips to get me lunch or energy drinks.

    Tamara – Kisses make me think of red. Mint makes me think of green. Put the two colors together and you get…I don’t know, but I’m sure it’s not purple. Well at least it’s better than brown.

    frith – Hello Kitty Tutti Frutti toothpaste? Oh dude, that sounds reviewable!

    Clevegal42 – It’s unpaid, of course. But I could use the bartering system.

    Melanie – I’m not into sequins. They’re too shiny. I need a sexy assistant that uses a pencil to hold her hair up in a bun. Now that’s hot.

    Zadillo – Making out with yourself is not gay, because masturbating is not gay. I think that logic makes sense.

  15. Maybe those mini strips make it more berrier. Try seperating the strips from the toothpaste and see what they taste like. I have this special herbal toothpaste from Thailand that my friend brought back for me. It comes out of the tube a very dark brown color like mud. Actually, given its tubular shape I thought of it as something else. I told my friend, “What!? Are you trying to kill me!!!!!???” But actually it’s very good. I can get you a sample, new of course. Here’s the TV commercial for it (there are subtitles).

    http://www.kossan.se/skenet_kan_bedra.htm

  16. They make toothpastes with breath strips in them? Where the fuck have I been? It’s like waking up one morning and looking outside and all of a sudden cars are flying instead of driving on wheels.

  17. So when you use the toothpaste, the mint confetti dissolves? Wow.. kids nowadays get to brush their teeth with funky colors, confetti, AND syrup that oozes out of a tube and just happens to froth.

  18. I use this toothpaste. I love it. But i dont notice an increase (or decrease) of kisses due to it.

    I do find that it keeps with its “whitening” promise.

  19. LaneO – That commercial was frickin’ messed up. The toothpaste is also messed up. I don’t know if I would try it.

    Natalia – I don’t know if I would. I like Thai food, but I don’t know about toothpaste.

    litelysalted – Breath strips aren’t really impressive. Microscopic tooth cleaning fairies…really impressive.

    Po0pie – The mint confetti does dissolves. Or goes to mint confetti heaven.

    RICARDO MCKENZIE – I have all of my teeth thanks to Colgate, Crest, and Aquafresh.

    bluepaintred – Oh, it gives me hope. Must find interns.

  20. I’ve tried the Clean Mint Colgate blue toothpaste with the breath strips inside, and it made my teeth feel weird, like tiny bits of aluminum foil were rubbing on my teeth when I brushed. So I’m not so sure about this one.

  21. Kaonashi – Hmm…I don’t feel the breath strips at all. Maybe my breath is so bad that they melt before they get into my mouth.

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