NEWS: Why Must All Sports Drinks End With The Suffix -ade?

Gatorade, Powerade, and now Accelerade.

Apparently everyone back in the day at Gatorade wasn’t drinking Gatorade to replenish their fluids, because their dehydration prevented them from realizing they should’ve patented the suffix -ade. They would be richer than they are right now, because they could’ve gotten some major royalties from the other -ades.

So what makes Accelerade different than the other -ades?

According to its website, it’s the first sports drink to contain carbohydrates and protein in a patented 4:1 ratio, which is just the right amount of protein to optimize the absorption of fluid. Patented, eh? It seems like Accelerade has been drinking the Accelerade.

The 4:1 ratio of carbs to protein may seem fine for dehydration, but such a high ratio of carbs might upset Dr. Atkins so much that he’ll release another Atkins diet book from beyond the grave, sort of like what Tupac has done with his last several albums.

Accelerade comes in four flavors: Citrus Grapefruit, Peach Mango, Fruit Punch and Mountain Berry. They’re available at participating 7-Eleven stores, but none of the 7-Elevens I buy my high fructose corn syrup-filled products from has them in stock.

[Site:] Accelerade

17 thoughts to “NEWS: Why Must All Sports Drinks End With The Suffix -ade?”

  1. None of these flavors sound particularly masculine, ya know? I can just see some NFL player saying, “Great game, dude! How about a Peach Mango Accelerade?”

  2. I think Marvo should come out with his own energy drink that has protein in it. He has enough porn in his collection to produce the protein content. Think of it now Marvo. You could have women across the world drinking “Marvoade”.

  3. You know, I do a lot of crosswords puzzles. As of now, I only attempt “Nice & Easy Crosswords”. The word ADE is one of the most often used words in the easy puzzles. Not sure why I am mentioning this….

  4. Today I read an online newspaper article titled “NYC man blames health drink for erection that wouldn’t go away.” The poor chap drank Boost Plus…he had to be hospitalized and now he needs surgery. Boy, I’d hate to be his girlfriend 😉

  5. Erika – thanks for the interesting tidbit. I usually keep Ensure around the house as a nutritional supplement. I’ll have to switch for when the man comes around.

  6. Chuck – I think they’re made for non-impact, non-ball sports, like running, cycling, and chess.

    frith – Geez, even other countries use -ade. No, Lucozade here, but I wish it was here. More confusion.

    edman0037 – That would be the least refreshing energy drink EVER. Also, the worst tasting, unless I ate a lot of apples.

    Diana – No, it was Haterade A.M., not the regular stuff.

    Buffy – You’re mentioning it because you want to help me when I do the Nice & Easy Crosswords, which for me are Mean & Hard Crosswords. You would think an English degree would help with those, but it doesn’t.

    Danette – If you were to see me at a hot dog eating contest, I would definitely be the pig.

    Mean Black Loca – Too short.

    Erika – I guess we now know what the “Plus” stands for.

    Cian – …

    Chewy – Or maybe I can stick them on a bleeding cut, which will eventually rip out any hair around the cut.

    Brie – Permanent erections are no laughing matter. Heh. Heh. HA! HA! HA! Okay, they are kind of funny…until the permanent erection pokes an eye out.

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