REVIEW: Glaceau XXX Vitamin Water

I thought my addiction to clown porn was pretty bad, but my dependency on Glacéau XXX Vitamin Water is worse.

It started out innocently when I saw it at the store and wanted to try it out, because I’ll try anything just once. I thought I’d have some fun and then move on. I didn’t think anything would become of it, because who gets addicted off of something after trying it just one time? But after finishing a bottle, the demons in my head crawled out of my subconsciousness and told me they wanted more. I went back and bought the five bottles left on the shelf and went through those in the next two days.

Then I went to another convenience store and bought them out. Then another. Then another. Quickly, the sweet XXX gold dried up and I haven’t found any since, which has caused me to have withdrawals. Not only have I been shaking and paranoid, there also have been nights when I looked through my recycle bin and pulled out all the XXX bottles to see if any of them had just a drop of that sweet, slightly-watery tasting liquid, that at this point, I would totally suck a dick for, much like other addicts would in my situation.

Maybe now that Coke has bought Glacéau, I have to suck on Coke’s cock to get more of it. I just hope it’s not as thick as a can of Coke or as long as a 20-ounce bottle.

I went multiple times to see my dealer that hangs out at 7-Eleven and asked how I can get more of it, but my dealer, who likes to be called “7-Eleven Manager,” told me that she wished she could get her hands on the stuff too since it sells out pretty fast. She then told me she’s got other Glacéau Vitamin Water flavors that she can sell me that are just as good the XXX, but I told her, “Naw man, I want the real deal. None any of that pussy shit.”

But I may just have to settle for the pussy shit for now, because I’m getting desperate.

O-h-h-h-h, how I miss the feeling I get when those antioxidants are in my bloodstream. It makes me feel so good. The combination of XXX’s sweet taste and molecules that slow or prevent the oxidation of other molecules makes me feel invincible against free radicals. I don’t get that shit with the bitter-tasting broccoli or green tea.

The Glacéau XXX Vitamin Water gets its name from the three antioxidant-containing fruits in it — acai, blueberry, and pomegranate. With a flavor name like XXX, I expected it to taste like ball sack sweat and KY Jelly, but those three fruits form a delicious, sweet fruit punch flavor that I want so badly I would gladly kill for it.

Each bottle has 200 milligrams of sweet, sweet antioxidants, but unfortunately, 150 milligrams of it is Vitamin C, which I can easily get my hands on from any dealer who sells oranges or Sunny Delight. It’s the other 50 milligrams of antioxidants that I want flowing through my bloodstream. Sure, it’s got 13 grams of sugar per serving, but that’s way less than one of my other former addictions, Mountain Dew.

O-h-h-h-h man, I totally need a fix.

(Nutritional Facts Per Serving (2.5 servings per container): 50 calories, zero fat, zero cholesterol, zero sodium, 13 grams of carbs, 13 grams of sugar, zero protein, 100% Vitamin C, 10% Vitamin B3, 10% Vitamin B6, 10% Vitamin B12, and 10% Vitamin B5.)

Item: Glacéau XXX Vitamin Water
Price: $1.39 (20 ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Good fruit punch flavor. Lots of Vitamin C. Seems sweeter than other Vitamin Water flavors. 50 milligrams of antioxidants other than Vitamin C. Some amounts of B Vitamins. Velvet Revolver. Kosher. Electrolytes. Healthier than soda.
Cons: Vitamin C is the most plentiful antioxidant in the bottle, which is plentiful among dealers. Hard to find. My addiction to antioxidants. The demons in my head. Contains less than 1% juice. I would suck Coke’s cock for some. My former addiction to clown porn.

30 thoughts on “REVIEW: Glaceau XXX Vitamin Water

  1. *twitch-twitch* so can this dealer of yours set me up for my fix? can she, cause my dealer is bone dry and i can’t find them anywhere. those X-it mints with guarauna that you reviewed a millennia ago man am i hooked on them i really did buy out all of the local stripe’s stores in the lower texas valley

  2. Cassis – Actually, the last time I saw one of my other dealers, I think he had them in stock. So I’m sure there’s a dealer in your area that can give you what you’re looking for.

  3. Wow, I feel special. Marvo has finally reviewed a product that I have actually consumed!
    Oh happy day for me!
    Have you tried the new Peach-Mango flavor yet?

  4. OK – admit it Marvo – you only tried it because it was called XXX and you wanted it to taste like sack sweat and KY.

  5. I drink acai juice every morning. It’s extremely healthy. It’s called MonaVie. It’s $45 a bottle, but you only drink an ounce a day.

    Can you review Guayaki Yerba Mate Tea Bags for me? You can get it at the smelly health food store. lol.

  6. Y’know, there is something about Pomegranate that is very addictive. The Pomegranate-Mango smoothie at Caribou Coffee is f*ing amazing.

    Marvo, this is not the first time you’ve contemplated prostitution for a product, is it? Get it together, man!

  7. What the hell is acai?

    Diet Coke is my fix…I’d mainline that stuff. That would make me one of those people sucking off the Coke guys. It’s a talent, really.

  8. Dear Marvo,

    Please have sex (I mean that in the nicest way). I think it will cure your addiction to antioxidants, clown porn and whatever else ails you!

    *hugs* Erika

  9. so its water NOT juice right.. cos that bottle looks like its filled with juice..

    hmmm. I read the ingredients.. its coloured with vegetable juice? I’m guessing beetroot or something from that colour.

    I can’t believe they can call it water when it looks like that and thats BEFORE Coke bought it out!

  10. Also I like how it says on the back that for best results you should stick it in the fridge.. what about all those people that like their Water/Juice warm?

    mmm warm juice.

  11. Glad to know I’m not the only one addicted to it…

    All my friends say it tastes like “watered-down Kool-Aid” and can’t stand it. I think they are really buying it behind my back for their own secret addictions to it.

  12. edman0037 – Nope, haven’t tried it. Actually, I haven’t even seen it. Maybe it’s a hot item with addicts too.

    Clevegal42 – Sadly, I would totally try any beverage that tasted like sack sweat and KY.

    Chuck – I know. Strange isn’t it. I’m scared of clowns, except when it comes to clown porn.

    Hunter – Ugh! You’re going to make me walk into the smelly health food store. Once I pull out my genuine leather wallet, they’re going to start giving me dirty looks.

    nicole – What can I say, I just can’t stick myself with a needle.

    Brie – I can’t help it if it provides a quick buck…or 25 cents in my case.

    Mia – Acai is a berry that’s full of antioxidants and makes a great way to stain the clothing of those people who wear white.

    Erika – What if I had a sex addiction? I don’t think sex would help with that. 😉

    Shineythings – It’s actually clearer than that, but I have shitty photographic skillz.

    lulubo – I think it’s sweeter than the other flavors, but its taste is way better.

  13. don’t have sex marvo. it’ll be a downward spiral for you and you’ll lose your edge. then again, maybe you could go ahead and have sex and explore your review writing process in that realm.

  14. Oh, but I love Vitamin Water. I can drink other flavors, but XXX is the shit. Smells and tastes almost exactly like cherry jello, but healthier. Good luck getting a new supplier, maybe you could order it by the case over the internet? Then you could start dealing, er, selling yourself. Or keep all the sweet sweet XXX for yourself, that’s what I’d do.

  15. I peed a little reading this, thanks, I was a little bit chilly before hand, and through a chain reaction, starting with typing in your URL, ending with my pants dampen .. I am now warmed for the time being.

  16. I’ve never had this XXX stuff, but my god, the dragonfruit flavor rocks my world. Now I have to hunt this flavor down and I’m probably gonna wind up as addicted as you.

  17. I’ve found cases of this stuff (roughly 20 bottles I think) for like $18 at Costo – thats less than $1 a bottle, certainly a manageable expense for said addiction…

  18. Genny – I definitely could not do any dealing, since I would totally drink all the merchandise.

    Mallory – Hmm…It’s summer so to warm up it would’ve been easier to walk outside. Unless you live on the other side of the planet.

    Liz – Yeah, you probably will. You know what they say, “Recovery is a 12-step process, but addiction is only one.” I wonder if Lindsay Lohan will ever learn that.

    Steve – I really do need a Costco card, so I can buy Vitamin Water, a new HDTV, and 100-pack of Trojan condoms, which I will never use.

  19. You turd, it’s supposed to taste like blueberries and pomegranates. Fruit punch is almost always red. Duh.

  20. Hunter – Damn straight!

    Tits McGee – Turd? Who are you, Stan Marsh’s sister on South Park? If you’re gonna call someone names, you gotta bring it. How about, “You fuckin’ dumbshit?” Turd? Are you in the fourth grade? Also, you’re right not all fruit punch are red, like this one.

    miss petite america – It’s not really healthy. It’s healthier than soda, but not as healthy as plain water.

  21. Are you in the Waikiki area (I sometimes get the impression you might be)? I saw a dozen or so bottles at the Beach Walk (the actual street behind Planet Hollywood, not the Waikiki Beachwalk Shopping/Dining Complex located on Lewers Street) ABC store. Happy guzzling.

  22. Vulgar Wizard – My dealer just got some in stock the other day, but I bought him out. The withdrawals will probably return soon.

    Molly – If I lived in Waikiki, I would be much more tanned than I am now and I’d eat at the Cheesecake Factory everyday. Also, if one ABC Store has them in stock, then probably all 10,000 ABC Stores in Waikiki will have them too. Thanks for the tip!

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