REVIEW: Pepsi Ice Cucumber

Apparently, Japan has really huge balls.

It has produced some of the most innovative products available, like fuel-efficient hybrid cars; the Nintendo Wii; robotic dogs; vending machines that dispense beer, fried foods, or used schoolgirl panties; and Japanese ads starring American actors who need a quick buck due to their decline in popularity.

But, and this is where Japan earns its huge cojones, it has also developed some of the most fucked up products that no other country has the audacity to create, like tentacle anime porn, numerous products for comforting lonely sukebe men, Pokemon, and now the Japan-only Pepsi Ice Cucumber.

Along with Japan’s huge balls, which I think helps keep its islands afloat with the over 127 million people living on its back, I also think these crazy products Japan comes up with are the result of sucking the sake a little too much, if you know what I’m saying. But I can relate to that, because whenever I pound a few ochoko (small sake cup), I also want to do some crazy shit, like reenact the music video for Prince’s “When Doves Cry.”

How can u just leave me standing?/Alone in a world so cold? (World so cold)/Maybe I’m just 2 demanding/Maybe I’m just like my father 2 bold/Maybe you’re just like my mother/She’s never satisfied (She’s never satisfied)/Why do we scream at each other/This is what it sounds like/When doves cry

To come up with the idea for Pepsi Ice Cucumber, I’m guessing it took quite a lot of sake, just like it did for all the other crazy ideas for beverages in Japan and this commercial starring Nicholas Cage.

Much like how apple juice can look like beer and urine can look like pineapple soda, Pepsi Ice Cucumber’s green color makes it looks like Cepacol Mouthwash. Its flavor is light, just like actual cucumbers. There’s a slight fruitiness to it, but there definitely is a cucumber flavor to it, albeit artificial, like Paris Hilton holding the Bible.

To be honest, the Pepsi Ice Cucumber was not as bad as I thought it would be. Still it’s slightly gross and weird, but there’s something about it that drew me back to it. It’s like the relationship that Lindsay Lohan and rehab have.

Drinking a bottle was a vicious masochistic cycle. I’d take a sip, say to myself, “Damn, this is kind of nasty,” and put it back in the refrigerator. A few hours later I’d open my fridge, take a sip, say to myself, “Damn, this is kind of nasty,” and put it back in the refrigerator. It took me three days to finish a bottle.

Pepsi Ice Cucumber was available only in Japan, but quickly sold out. Right now, the only way for Westerners to get their hands on a bottle is through the virtual garage sale clusterfuck known as eBay, where prices can get semi-expensive thanks to overzealous capitalism and shipping. Is it worth spending a decent amount of money on this novelty soda?

It really depends on how big your balls are.

Item: Pepsi Ice Cucumber
Price: $24.99 (Three 500 ml bottles)
Purchased at: eBay
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Not as bad as I thought it would be. Slightly fruity. Something about it makes me come back for more. Japan has huge balls. The Nintendo Wii. Japanese commercials with American actors. Hybrid cars.
Cons: Light artificial cucumber taste was slightly gross and weird. Looks like mouthwash. Only available in Japan. The things I do when I drink too much sake. Anything with Nicholas Cage in it.

36 thoughts to “REVIEW: Pepsi Ice Cucumber”

  1. Yeah, you can actually buy as well use underwear in a vending machine in Japan. Well female underwear.

  2. I’ll try this stuff just as soon as I try the Jones Turkey & Gravy soda. Or, well, not.

    Tentacle anime porn, though, is something I just have to see!

  3. Pepsi Ice Cucumber sounds exactly like Dr. Brown’s Cel-Ray soda which has been selling in the USA for something like 50 years, except it used to be called Dr. Brown’s Celery Tonic. I remember drinking it when I was little and it’s actually pretty good. Kinda like ginger ale. Looks to me like the Japanese are about 50 years behind the times coming up with product.

  4. Exactly. How much work can and should Nick Cage actually get? I hate him so much I hope he bleeds this cucumber soda from his butt.

  5. vel – I wish I could buy a date from a vending machine in Japan.

    nat – I’m sure you’ll find some VERY easily on the internets.

    Chuck – But this actually has a better taste than the Jones Soda holiday sodas. It didn’t make me gag as much.

    BWeaves – Maybe the Japanese created a time machine went 51 years into the past, developed Pepsi Ice cucumber, and then used their time machine to go 51 years into the future. That way they would be ahead of the times in vegetable sodas AND time travel. 😉

    Domokun – I think he should be allowed to do one movie a year (that shouldn’t be based on a comic book) and one Japanese commercial a year.

  6. I am straight up jealous of this review. Just looking at that bottle puts me in awe of it’s awesomeness. Not since Pepsi Blue has there been a Pepsi product I have wanted to try for myself.

    Hopefully it will still be around when I go to Japan in a year.

  7. I can’t even count the number of reasons this stuff is just wrong. Green? Cucumber? Pepsi? $25?

    Wretch. Thanks for subjecting yourself to this kind of torture for your readers.

  8. I had that “When Doves Cry” song running through my head ALL DAY yesterday. (But that’s for clearing up the lyrics at “just like my father 2 bold” which I always thought was “just like my father 2 fold”.)

    I had a vodka & cucumber chocolate a couple of weeks ago … I thought it worked well.

  9. Thanks for the link Marvo,

    Yeah Pepsi Cucumber has vanished from the shelves here in Japan. Not that I’d ever buy it again….

  10. Lord Jezo – It’s sold out in Japan, so it would be best to buy some via eBay. But perhaps they might come out with a Pepsi Melon or Pepsi Azuki Bean when you go.

    Rylan – It would be even funnier if you were reading it on the Wii internet browser in the back seat of a Toyota Prius.

    Mia – Actually, this is the cheapest torture I’ve ever paid for.

    cybele – I think vodka goes well with almost everything. I’m waiting for Absolut Carrot Vodka.

    blender – It’s Japan, if it’s not Pepsi Cucumber then it will be something else weird they’ll produce and I’ll drool over.

  11. I’m so glad you got a hold of some. I wanted some for my discussion class on advertising and I could not lay my hands on a single bottle. All I have is the memory. A way too sugary memory.

  12. im scared! that commericial of nicholas cage terrified me even more! why do celebrities do that to themseveles!

  13. in point of fact the cucumber is an overlooked taste in the Western palate.

    yes we have cucumber soup and cream of cucumber dishes which raise your eyebrows in all sorts of plain simple never-imagined-ways so let me say once and for all: cucumber cola is a natural outcropping of human ingenuity and i’m ashamed to hail from a region that not only didn’t conceive of it, but in fact looks on it with suspicion.

Comments are closed.