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Kraft Basil Vinaigrette Pasta Salad
During my last shopping adventure, it occurred to me that every salad I ate was actually clogging my heart. There’s the macaroni salad I have with Hawaiian barbecue, the potato salad I have with fried chicken, the tuna salad I have with parmesan bread, and the hot dog salad that I invented after it came [...]
Continue reading...Method Pure Minimalist Water Flower Bloq Body Bars
27 January 2008
Paying six dollars for two Method Pure Minimalist Water Flower Bloq Body Bars may seem like a lot of money, but it is one of the ways I can feel like a wealthy asshole. Some rich pricks buy fast European cars, some purchase houses with hidden dungeons, and others acquire things that should never [...]
Continue reading...Oh, It’s On At The Break of Dawn…Of February 9th
24 January 2008
Many of you sadistic bastards have been asking when I will get my chest waxed. I just want to let all of you know that the date and time has been set. The clearing of my fields will happen on Saturday, February 9th at 9:00 a.m. at the Heaven on Earth Spa. [...]
Continue reading...Monster Heavy Metal Energy Drink
21 January 2008
Really? Bigger cans are the future of energy drinks? Pfff. Energy drink companies are going to have to tickle my balls with something a little more than a 32-ounce can, like the one the Monster Heavy Metal Energy Drink is in. Seriously, bigger isn’t always better. I’m sure most women are afraid [...]
Continue reading...Lunchables Maxed Out Pepperoni Pizza
17 January 2008
The Lunchables people are here to kick you in the balls and there’s nothing you can do about it. That’s right, they are the latest brand to join in on the craze of “extremification” in the world of product marketing. Lunchables are now “Maxed Out” and presumably ready to proverbially rock out with their cocks [...]
Continue reading...Kellogg’s Special K Red Berries Waffles
13 January 2008
If Amy Winehouse and her husband Blake Fielder-Civil were to reproduce — and I pray to God, Allah, Buddha, and football they don’t — their offspring would look like the new Kellogg’s Special K Red Berries Waffles, which are a little pale, covered with weird red splotches and deformed with indentations. As with all Special K [...]
Continue reading...Chest Wins! Chest Wins! Chest Wins!
12 January 2008
Here are the results of last week’s “Which Body Part Should I Get Waxed?”: Chest: 66 votes Underarms: 19 votes Legs: 17 votes Eyebrows: 9 votes Arms: 5 votes Thanks to everyone who participated. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to do some push-ups and sit-ups to make my midsection somewhat presentable for the before and after pictures and possible [...]
Continue reading...Carl’s Jr. Huevos Rancheros Breakfast Burrito
8 January 2008
When I found out that Carl’s Jr. had a new breakfast burrito, I wasn’t too excited. One – most of Carl’s Jr.’s breakfast food consists of about five different types of ham and sausage bundled together with hash browns. It’s a little nauseating to say the least. Two − eating the Huevos Rancheros burrito in [...]
Continue reading...Vitalon P Drink
6 January 2008
For some kinky reason, I really hoped that the Vitalon P Drink contained human urine, but despite the yellow can with a huge letter “P” on it and the yellow-colored liquid in the can, it does not contain a single drop of it. It’s just another gimmicky Asian product, like a Hello Kitty Vibrator [...]
Continue reading...Which Body Part Should I Get Waxed?
2 January 2008
There are some benefits to being hairier than others. First off, winter nights don’t seem so cold because hair is wonderful insulation and I can somewhat understand why the Olsen Twins use actual animal fur to cover their meatless, Cryptkeeper-like bodies. Secondly, having ample hair follicles means having a large field available for harvest if [...]
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30 January 2008
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