Kraft Basil Vinaigrette Pasta Salad

During my last shopping adventure, it occurred to me that every salad I ate was actually clogging my heart. There’s the macaroni salad I have with Hawaiian barbecue, the potato salad I have with fried chicken, the tuna salad I have with parmesan bread, and the hot dog salad that I invented after it came to me in a dream. As I pondered whether that website telling me that I would die in three years was correct, I came across a beautiful box of Kraft Basil Vinaigrette Pasta Salad.

I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t drawn in by the shiny packaging. The gold lettering and fancy fonts on the box made it look like something pirates would bury on a remote island. I don’t really like medleys of vegetables or vinaigrettes, but I simply could not resist the festive colors and the promise of something gourmet.

Since it contains zucchini, black olives, green and red bell peppers, tomatoes, and carrots, I figured it would be a healthy alternative to my dietary doldrums of potato chips and Slim Jims. This was before I realized that pasta salad is just another type of “salad” that consists of fat and starch. There’s not enough vegetables in the whole thing to even add up to one serving.

It was at this point that I looked into my mirror, which happens to be a distorted one that makes me appear muscular, and realized that I would never be able to eat healthy. I’m just like a burnt out, single mother who comes to terms with the fact that she’ll always pick the bad boys. Sort of…okay, maybe that isn’t the best analogy. What I’m trying to say is that even when I think I’m eating healthy, buying anything from a box and adding oil isn’t going to earn me any favors with the Weight Watchers people.

Thankfully, the process of creating the pasta salad is very simple and effective. You just boil the pasta for a few minutes and then add it to a mixing bowl with some olive oil and the season packet. After throwing in the dehydrated vegetables, you let it rest for a few hours until it is cool and the roughage is soft. What you get rewarded with is a fairly tasty pasta salad that manages to stay firm and separated. Even with the glossy sheen, it is not at all oily. The vinaigrette is tangy and has a fairly strong basil taste, so lovers of basil should enjoy this immensely.

Overall, it is a solid and impressive product that is put over the top by the sheer awesomeness of its glorious packaging. It is a nice change of pace for anyone looking for a new side dish. Perhaps most importantly of all, it is another tasty yet unhealthy salad that will probably kill me.

That alone is priceless.

(Nutritional Facts – 1/5 box – 200 calories, 9 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 mg of cholesterol, 480mg sodium, 26 grams of carbs, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 4 grams of sugar, 5 grams of protein, 4% Vitamin A, 8% Vitamin C, 2% Calcium, and 8% Iron)

Item: Kraft Basil Vinaigrette Pasta Salad
Price: $2.50
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Pasta stays firm even after cooking and coating. Vinaigrette is adequately tangy and flavorful. Very easy to make. Mirrors that make you appear more attractive than you really are.
Cons: Another “salad” that is not in any way good for you. Dehydrated vegetables don’t add a lot of flavor or texture. Being like a burnt out single mother who chooses the bad boys. Fearing your own mortality after searching for fun websites.

Method Pure Minimalist Water Flower Bloq Body Bars

Paying six dollars for two Method Pure Minimalist Water Flower Bloq Body Bars may seem like a lot of money, but it is one of the ways I can feel like a wealthy asshole.

Some rich pricks buy fast European cars, some purchase houses with hidden dungeons, and others acquire things that should never be gold-plated or diamond-encrusted, like toilets and MP3 players for dogs, but because I lack the funds to purchase a Lamborghini, the Neverland Valley Ranch, or a shiny, anatomically incorrect statue of myself, I’m stuck with bars of soap.

Each Bloq Body Bar is individually wrapped in a box for either your pleasure, convenience, or sanitation. If it is the latter, I totally understand because I hate when non-individually wrapped bars of soap get dirty.

If only there was a product out there that could help me clean those bars of soap. Something that lathers nicely. Something I could conveniently hold in my hands. Something that could easily be rinsed away with water. I don’t know what that product is, but since these bars of soap are individually wrapped, I don’t need to worry about them getting dirty.

Besides being much more expensive than most bars of soap, the Bloq Body Bars come in a non-conforming square shape, which measures 2.75 inches wide and deep and weighs in at 4.5 ounces. Soap bar purists might get upset about its even geometric shape, but I think they would enjoy its light, clean floral scent, which I think is one of the better smelling bars of soap I have ever rubbed across my soft, pudgy naked body.

According to the Method Pure Minimalist Water Flower Bloq Body Bars box, the bars are vegetable based, 99 percent naturally derived, and contain exfoliating jojoba beads. Unfortunately, after looking at its ingredients I couldn’t find any vegetables.

No carrots. No celery. No lettuce. No cabbage. No broccoli. No Keith Richards passed out after a whiskey binge. However, I did find that it contains olea europaea (olive) fruit oil, camellia sinensis (green tea) leaf extract, vitis vinifera (grape) seed oil, butyrospermum parkii (shea butter), and aloe barbadensis (aloe vera) leaf juice.

I’ve been using a bar of it every day for more than a month (without masturbation) and it’s still got some life left in it for many more rendezvous with my hairy naked body that makes babies cry, scientists claim they’ve found Bigfoot, and makes dogs want to hump my leg. But when the dogs do hump my leg, at least I’ll smell good thanks to this Bloq Body Bar.

Item: Method Pure Minimalist Water Flower Bloq Body Bars
Price: $5.99 (2 bars)
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Nice, light, and clean floral scent. 99 percent naturally derived. Lasts a while. A anatomically incorrect gold statue of myself. Feeling like a wealthy asshole.
Cons: Pricey for just two bars of soap. Being a wealthy asshole. Square bars may make soap bar purists upset. Being in the Neverland Valley Ranch dungeon. Keith Richards after a heroin binge. No vegetables.

Are you illiterate? Listen to this review. Oh wait, if you’re illiterate, you probably can’t read this either.

Oh, It’s On At The Break of Dawn…Of February 9th

Many of you sadistic bastards have been asking when I will get my chest waxed. I just want to let all of you know that the date and time has been set. The clearing of my fields will happen on Saturday, February 9th at 9:00 a.m. at the Heaven on Earth Spa. Taking of photos and video will hopefully be allowed in the room. I also hope crying and calling for my mommy are allowed, as well.

Thanks to TIB reader cian for setting my date with pain!

REVIEW: Monster Heavy Metal Energy Drink

Really? Bigger cans are the future of energy drinks? Pfff.

Energy drink companies are going to have to tickle my balls with something a little more than a 32-ounce can, like the one the Monster Heavy Metal Energy Drink is in. Seriously, bigger isn’t always better. I’m sure most women are afraid of thick, 12-inch plus porn cock. Right, ladies? Ladies?

How about enough caffeine to bring back the dead? Or how about an energy drink that not just promotes extreme with silly aggro graphics, but one that will actually make me crazy enough to do something extreme, like do a backflip on a wheelchair, punch an armed crackhead in the face, be a guest on The View, or ask a girl out on a date.

Or perhaps energy drink companies should add more herbs beyond ginseng and guarana? Just take a walk into Chinatown and head for the most hole-in-the-wall-ish hole in the wall and after they pat you down, ask for the “secret stash.” If my shady Chinatown contacts can get the dried penis of any animal on the planet to help my ability to secrete pheromones, energy drink companies can probably get their hands on some crazy ass endangered shit, which they can call in the ingredients list, “Ancient Chinese Secret.”

But none of these are in the Monster Heavy Metal Energy Drink, which makes it just like clowns and Poison’s “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” — not at all metal. A Big Gulp-sized energy drink sounds good, but the can is so big that it seems unnecessary, like the number of direct-to-DVD American Pie movies.

It wouldn’t be so bad if this energy drink tasted good, like most Monster Energy Drinks, but it doesn’t. It’s one of the worst tasting energy drinks I’ve ever had. It’s Totem Lake Mall bad. The best way I could describe its flavor is to say its like what I imagine all the bodily fluids exchanged in an Anthrax mosh pit would taste like if all the people in the mosh pit ate only citrus fruits and someone were able to collect the bodily fluids without getting knocked out while the thrash metal band played their classic “Caught in a Mosh.”

Forcing myself to drink an entire can was like forcing myself to watch anything on network television that was not written by members of the Writer’s Guild of America. I did finish it and felt quite energetic, but its poor taste caused me to nurse it like I was a 15 year old at a party trying to look cool with a can of Budweiser in my hand.

There’s a warning label on the can that says people should limit consumption to one can a day, but I really think that limit is not strict enough. With the Monster Heavy Metal Energy Drink’s bad taste and bad name, the label should say “Save your money or go buy something else.”

(Supplement Facts – 8 ounces – 100 calories, 23 grams of carbs, 22 grams of sugar, 1 gram of protein, 180 milligrams of sodium, 1.7 milligrams of vitamin B2, 20 milligrams of vitamin B3, 2 milligrams of vitamin B6, 6 micrograms of vitamin B12, 1000 milligrams of taurine, 200 milligrams of panax ginseng, and 2500 milligrams of Monster’s Energy Blend.)

Item: Monster Heavy Metal Energy Drink
Price: $3.79 (32 ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: Anthrax (the band). Did give an energy boost, but 32 ounces of an energy drink should, unless you’re dead. Sweet, sweet caffeine. My Chinatown contacts.
Cons: Anthrax (the chemical weapon). Bad tasting. One of the worst energy drink I’ve ever had. Unnecessarily big. Porn cock. Clowns. Direct-to-DVD American Pie movies. WGA strike. Collecting bodily fluids in a mosh pit.

Blind or have really bad vision? Let the audio version of this review be your braille.

REVIEW: Lunchables Maxed Out Pepperoni Pizza

Lunchables Maxed Out Pepperoni Pizza

The Lunchables people are here to kick you in the balls and there’s nothing you can do about it. That’s right, they are the latest brand to join in on the craze of “extremification” in the world of product marketing. Lunchables are now “Maxed Out” and presumably ready to proverbially rock out with their cocks out.

I was curious to see if this new product had anything to do with the recent film Maxxxed Out, a fine film starring Jenna Haze, Sunny Lane, and other girls whose names sound like weather descriptions. However, it appears as though Lunchables is not yet extreme enough for hardcore porn.

I was intrigued by this new spin-off because I actually like the original Lunchables. Sure, the meat is slimy and the cheese resembles candle wax, but it is a consistent and comfortable reminder of my salad days as a fledgling youth. Plus, it tastes just like a turkey sandwich, but with 0% of the dignity.

The changes with the Maxed Out variety seem to be minimal. You get more food, but the quality is generally the same and the origin of the meat is just as ambiguous. I got the Deep Dish Pepperoni one, which is actually neither deep or made with pepperoni. It boasts “pepperoni flavored sausage,” which struck me as odd because real pepperoni is about as cheap as sausage gets. There is about half a centimeter for you to fill your crust with, so it’s not very deep unless you’re some type of amoeba.

It came with two crusts and enough sauce, cheese, and pepperoni flavored sausage to make decent sized mini-pizzas, so I can’t really complain about the quantity. It’s just too bad that the sauce tastes like strawberry marmalade and that the faux pepperoni tastes like nothing. I finished one and imagine that a child might be able to enjoy it, but it wasn’t a very pleasant experience.

To wash it down, you get a mini bottle of water. A bottle of water with my Lunchables? Lame. Even though they include a Kool-Aid pouch to turn it into a soft drink, it doesn’t change the fact that a perfectly healthy bottle of spring water was included with my junk food. Plus, it gives choosy moms a chance to rummage through the box and steal the precious packet of sugar and food coloring. The old school Lunchables had a badass pouch of Capri Sun with a graphic of a guy skating on the beach on it. Nothing got me more pumped up for tripping over soccer balls during recess.

A cherry-flavored Airhead is included for dessert. Airheads always confused me because they aren’t aerated and aren’t shaped like balloons. Maybe they are just made for stupid children, hence their blunt and inauspicious name. If this is true, then they are really rubbing it in.

All in all, Lunchables Maxed Out is a disappointing romp through our collective childhood memories. This saddens me, because it had so much going for it: my love of pizza, the promise of free video game rentals, and the logo, which looks like something that Wolverine from X-Men would have carved into someone’s chest. Alas, even the most extreme of superheroes couldn’t salvage this mediocre meal.

(Nutritional Facts – 1 box – 510 calories, 13 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 15 mg of cholesterol, 850mg sodium, 77 grams of carbs, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 35 grams of sugar, 24 grams of protein, 25% Vitamin A, 20% Vitamin C, 50% Calcium, and 4% Iron)

Item: Lunchables Maxed Out Pepperoni Pizza
Price: $2.99
Purchased at: Albertsons
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Comes with ingredients to make two decent sized pizzas, big enough to fill a kid’s stomach. Fun to put together for children who may otherwise not receive enough arts and crafts in school. Wolverine fucking people up.
Cons: Sauce is way too sweet and fake pepperoni doesn’t taste very good. Loosest use of the term “deep dish” ever. Comes with bottled water instead of the awesome pouches of Capri Sun. Generic new name doesn’t really make any changes to the original brand. Does not tie in with Maxxxed Out.