REVIEW: Monster Heavy Metal Energy Drink

Really? Bigger cans are the future of energy drinks? Pfff.

Energy drink companies are going to have to tickle my balls with something a little more than a 32-ounce can, like the one the Monster Heavy Metal Energy Drink is in. Seriously, bigger isn’t always better. I’m sure most women are afraid of thick, 12-inch plus porn cock. Right, ladies? Ladies?

How about enough caffeine to bring back the dead? Or how about an energy drink that not just promotes extreme with silly aggro graphics, but one that will actually make me crazy enough to do something extreme, like do a backflip on a wheelchair, punch an armed crackhead in the face, be a guest on The View, or ask a girl out on a date.

Or perhaps energy drink companies should add more herbs beyond ginseng and guarana? Just take a walk into Chinatown and head for the most hole-in-the-wall-ish hole in the wall and after they pat you down, ask for the “secret stash.” If my shady Chinatown contacts can get the dried penis of any animal on the planet to help my ability to secrete pheromones, energy drink companies can probably get their hands on some crazy ass endangered shit, which they can call in the ingredients list, “Ancient Chinese Secret.”

But none of these are in the Monster Heavy Metal Energy Drink, which makes it just like clowns and Poison’s “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” — not at all metal. A Big Gulp-sized energy drink sounds good, but the can is so big that it seems unnecessary, like the number of direct-to-DVD American Pie movies.

It wouldn’t be so bad if this energy drink tasted good, like most Monster Energy Drinks, but it doesn’t. It’s one of the worst tasting energy drinks I’ve ever had. It’s Totem Lake Mall bad. The best way I could describe its flavor is to say its like what I imagine all the bodily fluids exchanged in an Anthrax mosh pit would taste like if all the people in the mosh pit ate only citrus fruits and someone were able to collect the bodily fluids without getting knocked out while the thrash metal band played their classic “Caught in a Mosh.”

Forcing myself to drink an entire can was like forcing myself to watch anything on network television that was not written by members of the Writer’s Guild of America. I did finish it and felt quite energetic, but its poor taste caused me to nurse it like I was a 15 year old at a party trying to look cool with a can of Budweiser in my hand.

There’s a warning label on the can that says people should limit consumption to one can a day, but I really think that limit is not strict enough. With the Monster Heavy Metal Energy Drink’s bad taste and bad name, the label should say “Save your money or go buy something else.”

(Supplement Facts – 8 ounces – 100 calories, 23 grams of carbs, 22 grams of sugar, 1 gram of protein, 180 milligrams of sodium, 1.7 milligrams of vitamin B2, 20 milligrams of vitamin B3, 2 milligrams of vitamin B6, 6 micrograms of vitamin B12, 1000 milligrams of taurine, 200 milligrams of panax ginseng, and 2500 milligrams of Monster’s Energy Blend.)

Item: Monster Heavy Metal Energy Drink
Price: $3.79 (32 ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: Anthrax (the band). Did give an energy boost, but 32 ounces of an energy drink should, unless you’re dead. Sweet, sweet caffeine. My Chinatown contacts.
Cons: Anthrax (the chemical weapon). Bad tasting. One of the worst energy drink I’ve ever had. Unnecessarily big. Porn cock. Clowns. Direct-to-DVD American Pie movies. WGA strike. Collecting bodily fluids in a mosh pit.

28 thoughts to “REVIEW: Monster Heavy Metal Energy Drink”

  1. Mmmmm….rancid bodily fluids…tasty.

    The only Monster I ever buy is the one that’s 50% juice. I forget the name of it. Tastes better than this one, though, I’m sure, and it’s only 16 ounces to chug instead of 32.

    How many mg. of caffiene is in 32 ounces of this swill?

  2. Ah…just figured it out from some online research. A whole can would contain 320 mg of caffeine, about the same as 2 1/2 cups of coffee.

  3. That amount of caffiene could start to cause problems with people’s circulatory system. Of course, if you are drinking a 32 oz. energy drink, you probably aren’t too concerned about that.

  4. If you think this stuff is bad, try the Steven Segal Lightning Bolt energy drinks – Asian Experience in particular. I took one sip, felt like vomiting, then proceeded to pass it around amongst my roommates, who all had the same reaction. One guy on BevNet described its flavor, appropriately, as “a combination of olives and foot.” I found the vile concoction at Walmart, just in case you feel like vomiting and writing about it.

    (P.S.- Could have sworn you already reviewed this, but I couldn’t find it in a search of your site)

  5. Mmmmm…Heavy Metal…The name makes me think of lead, mercury, chromium poisoning etc. These aren’t made in China are they?

  6. Drinking 32 ounces of anything that’s slightly caffienated (inc. Decaf coffee) will give anyone a buzz. That said, in addition to scary porn cocks, I’m terrified of what drinking the whole can of that swill would do to to my bladder.
    (I also liked Every Rose has a thorn and I’m not ashamed to admit it.)

  7. As a lady, let me just say that, yes, there is such a thing as too big. Especially when that thing reeks.

  8. I have been in an Anthrax mosh pit, you can taste the body fluids in the air.(shudders from the memory), listening to you describe this is worth the flashback.
    PS to Rhawb.. anything with Steven Segals’ name on it sends up a red flag of eeewww in my book. I have never seen those drinks.

  9. So between the scary-porn-cock drink and the Momma Earth’s-kick-your-ass energy drink, should one have a glass of milk and a cookie?

  10. marvo! was that your voice?? because that was terrible reading!! and if i was blind how was i supposed to find that link anyways?

  11. Chuck – I like the juice ones as well, along with the coffee stuff. So it disappoints me more that this didn’t taste halfway decent.

    Red Icculus – Drinking the 16-ounce cans caused my blood pressure in increase, so I cut back. Imagine if I was looking at internet porn, drinking a 16-ounce energy drink, and licking salt at the same time. My heart would explode in me.

    Rhawb – Most things with Steven Seagal suck except for that time he was killed in the movie Executive Decision.

    Karen – Nope, not made in China, but if it was, I’d probably be suing Wal-Mart right now.

    sir jorge – I recommend you don’t.

    Nevis – I’ll admit that I also like the song. I have it on my iPod, along with Talk Dirty To Me.

    SheRa – Drink the whole thing in one sitting will probably be bad. Nursing it throughout the day…not so bad.

    Brian Lutz – I passed by Totem Lake Mall on Black Friday and saw how empty the parking lot was. Sad.

    Doodoolicious – A 1 rating is reserved for products that taste like fluids exchanged at a GWAR concert.

    Red Icculus – I don’t think I deserve those points because I think I can associate scary porn cock with almost anything.

  12. Shannon – Either death or being even more annoying than I already am.

    Kay – So it is the motion of the ocean!

    Susu – My mind is constantly in the gutter. I giggle when I pick up chicken breasts.

    stephanie – Flesh-eating zombies would explain the empty parking lot.

    Bikerbabeee – I think I would totally love being in an Anthrax mosh pit with you…unless you enjoy clotheslining people.

    demondoll – As long the milk is skim milk and the cookie is organic.

    liz – Just to let you know, I’m using my laptop’s microphone to record the audio and I recorded that at 3AM hyped up with this energy drink.

    Andy – Fuck! I meant milligrams. I changed it. I think an energy drink with 180 grams of sodium should be called Salty Dog.

    Natalia – Me too. Okay, maybe it’s just a little jealousy.

  13. While I was AT LEAST able to get some comparable products when I was living in Japan, now, I’m just shit out of luck. I mean, where am I going to find this MONSTER drink that you speak of? Certainly not over here. And I see you have a contributor now, too. I still remember winning one of your contests when you started this damn blog! And now look at you! 🙂 Oh, Marvo. your writing never ceases to amaze…and make me shoot fluids out my nose.

  14. I have never tried that specific monster drink, but they do have the 32oz Monster BFC {big fucking can} in regular and sugar free, which I *have* had. It is delicious and incites quite the stare.

  15. Alex – Thanks Alex! I know, TIB has grown from an awkward, shy little boy to an awkward, weird, medicated young man.

    Alisha – I’ve seen the BFC, but I figure since it’s just regular Monster there’s really no reason to pick it up. I’m waiting for the RBFC.

    laura m – You sure do have a one track mind. 🙂

    Nevis – Oh, NO ONE needs or wants Marvo porn, unless you don’t value your eyes.

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