NEWS: Taco Bell Creates a Gordita That Hindu AND Jewish People Won’t Eat

The new Bacon Cheddar Gordita Crunch is the first limited time only menu item from Taco Bell that I’ve wanted to try in a long time because it looks like their Double Decker Taco, which is my default whenever I make a run for the border. This Gordita on steroids has been injected with real cheddar cheese, a zesty Southwest cheddar sauce and bacon. That’s TWO FRICKIN’ CHEESES for those of you who are counting at home. From the picture above, it looks like the bacon is mixed in with the cheddar cheese, which should make Wisconsinites extremely happy. The crunchy taco shell inside should give it a nice crunch, unless all the grease from the ground beef, cheese and bacon get to it before you do. It weights in at 189 grams, which is roughly the same weight as a Double Decker Taco Supreme, but with 600 calories, 37 grams of fat, 1120 milligrams of sodium, the Bacon Cheddar Gordita Crunch is significantly less healthy. But that won’t scare me away because the bacon beckons me.

REVIEW: Pillsbury Mozzarella & Pepperoni Savorings

I’m no party planning expert, but I do know a fancy toothpick though a Vienna sausage does not make it a classy hors d’oeuvre you can serve your hoity-toity friends. The bite-sized Pillsbury Mozzarella & Pepperoni Savorings may have the light, elegant croissant exterior that would appeal to your pretentious pals, but when stuffed with pepperoni, mozzarella cheese and tomato sauce the flaky crust instantly becomes this product’s fancy toothpick. Actually, I don’t think any flavor that you can also find in a Hot Pocket can be stuffed into a croissant without causing a French pastry chef somewhere to weep in disgust.

The outside of each Mozzarella & Pepperoni Savorings was flakier than a crack addict responsible for turning in the rent check. It was delicious and its taste reminded Totino’s pepperoni party pizzas, which after some research shouldn’t have been surprising since Totino’s is a Pillsbury product. I also found out during my investigation that Totino’s also has cheap pepperoni Pizza Rolls, which probably tastes like these Savorings. So basically this product tries to be sophisticated, but despite the flaky pastry exterior it’s just a simple pizza roll. It’s just like the contestants on Rock of Love: Charm School; as hard as they try to be refined, deep down they’re still strippers and whores.

The only characteristic that makes the Pillsbury Mozzarella & Pepperoni Savorings seem fancy it its price, which is much more than its lowbrow cousin, Totino’s Pizza Rolls. With a high price tag, it was even more disappointing that the box contained only 12 measly pieces. Not only are these Savorings pricey, they’re also a pain in the ass to make because, according to the box, they can’t be microwaved. Instead I was forced to kick it old school by doing some preheating and baking them in an oven or toaster oven for 17-22 minutes. I would understand doing this for a meal, but not for a snack.

The Pillsbury Mozzarella & Pepperoni Savorings may be small, but they’re big in saturated fat and sodium. Eat four of them and you’ll get 35 percent of your daily recommended allowance of saturated fat and 20 percent of your daily recommended allowance of sodium, which is somewhat salty, but not as salty as your hoity-toity friends.

(Nutrition Facts – 4 pastry bites – 250 calories, 16 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 450 milligrams of sodium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 2 grams of sugar, 6 grams of protein, 10% Vitamin A, 4% Calcium, and 8% Iron.)

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to TIB reader tobikiriakujin for suggesting the Pillsbury Savorings via Twitter. Speaking of Twitter, if you have a Twitter account, you can follow me here. Also, here’s a link to a review of the Buffalo Style Chicken version.)

Item: Pillsbury Mozzarella & Pepperoni Savorings
Price: $4.99 (on sale)
Size: 12 count
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Delicious. Nice crunchy, flaky exterior. Reminds me of Totino’s Pepperoni Pizza. A product of Canada and not China.
Cons: Damn expensive. Can’t microwave. Number of pieces seem low for something so expensive. For something so small, it’s high in saturated fat. Flaky crumbs. Giving the rent check with your crack addict roommate. Your hoity-toity friends. Making French pastry chefs cry.

REVIEW: Axe Dark Temptation Shower Gel

I’m pretty sure that despite what Axe shows in their commercials, no guy has ever gotten laid because of an Axe body spray, deodorant, or shower gel. Some guy might say it was, but I’m positive that he got laid for other reasons, like alcohol, the woman’s need for a green card, desperation or pity. Not even the Axe Dark Temptation Shower Gel with its chocolatey scent could get a guy laid, despite the love women have for chocolate.

I think the only lovin’ a guy could get with a chocolate shower gel is from a dog, because if there’s one thing I’ve learned from my subscription to Dog Fancy Magazine, besides picking the best sweater for your pooch, it’s that dogs love chocolate — even though it could kill them.

Axe scents, to me, are like Nickelback and Daughtry songs — I can’t tell them apart. I was hoping the Axe Dark Temptation Shower Gel would have the same smell, look and consistency as chocolate pudding, but instead it looked like clover honey. Its spicy and slightly sweet scent was decent, but reminded me of other Axe shower gels I’ve used in the past. It’s not really chocolatey, which would’ve made it stand out among the other Axe scents and get me some serious tail. Dog tail, that is.

Overall, I’m disappointed by how un-chocolatey the Axe Dark Temptation Shower Gel is because cosmetic company Philosophy has their own chocolate body washes which look and smell like chocolate. They’re so delicious that if there wasn’t the warning on the bottle that says in bold and lowercase letters, “caution: not for internal use,” I would probably eat them.

Not everything about the Axe Dark Temptation Shower Gel is disappointing. It lathered up nicely, thanks to the sodium laureth sulfate, and it did what it was supposed to do — get my body clean. It may not have made me smell like chocolate, but that’s okay.

If I want to smell like chocolate, I’ll do it the old-fashioned way — using melted chocolate as hair gel. You can’t rest your head on anything with it on and you must stay away from the Humane Society and pet stores, but it’s got some crazy hold.

Item: Axe Dark Temptation Shower Gel
Price: $4.99
Size: 12 ounces
Purchased at:
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Decent smelling. It gets me clean. Lathers nicely. Grippy bottle. Using melted chocolate as hair gel to smell like chocolate.
Cons: Doesn’t smell chocolatey. Smells like all the other Axe body washes. Will not get you laid. Nickelback and Daughtry songs. Being attacked by dogs due to using melted chocolate as hair gel. Having a subscription to Dog Fancy Magazine and not owning a dog.

PRIZE DRAWING: Because I Don’t Need It

I have a coupon from the PR firm that represents Carl’s Jr. for a free Carl’s Jr. Charbroiled Steak Sandwich that I would like to give away to a TIB reader (see picture of coupon above). It’s not redeemable at Hardee’s, so this drawing is only open to those who live near a Carl’s Jr.

I’m sorry to those who don’t live near a Carl’s Jr., but TIB will be holding another prize drawing in a few weeks that will be open to more readers.

To enter this prize drawing, leave a comment for THIS post with whatever you want to say. Please fill out the email field. TIB will stop accepting entries on Wednesday, December 31, 2008 11:59 p.m. Hawaii Standard Time. One one entry is allowed per person and it is only open to those 18 years old or older.

Good luck!

Fine Print: The Impulsive Buy promises your email address will not be used to send you emails from the future to warn you about that man/woman/co-worker/anal probe. The Impulsive Buy also promises your mailing address will not be used to send you information about anything with a 0% APR. Bribes will not be accepted. The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible for lost mail, damaged mail, or power outages.

The Week in Reviews – 12/27/2008

Product review blog goodness wrapped in an HTML shell.

Honestly, I’ve always wanted to French Kiss a reindeer so I can check bestiality off of my list of things I must do before I die. (via Second Rate Snacks)

I learned a new word this week: ramekins. Now I shall use it incorrectly in a sentence: After seeing her son defend the flock, the mama ewe was so proud of her little ramekins. (via Heat Eat Review)

I can’t decide which silly energy drink name I like better: Donkey Kick or Wild Tiger. (via Energy Drink Reviews)

The list of things I can enjoy straight out of the container with a spoon has gotten longer. Ice cream, Cool Whip, Nesquik powder mix, Crisco, and now Spoonfudge. (via Candyblog).

A Fannie May/Chicago Cubs candy bar? Sounds like a candy bar filled with disaster. Combine a baseball team that hasn’t won a World Series in a century with a candy company that has a name similar to a money lending organization that’s been in the news a lot recently and you’ve got a something I would be afraid to purchase for fear of it being cursed or foreclosed. (via Candy Addict)