The new Bacon Cheddar Gordita Crunch is the first limited time only menu item from Taco Bell that I’ve wanted to try in a long time because it looks like their Double Decker Taco, which is my default whenever I make a run for the border. This Gordita on steroids has been injected with real cheddar cheese, a zesty Southwest cheddar sauce and bacon. That’s TWO FRICKIN’ CHEESES for those of you who are counting at home. From the picture above, it looks like the bacon is mixed in with the cheddar cheese, which should make Wisconsinites extremely happy. The crunchy taco shell inside should give it a nice crunch, unless all the grease from the ground beef, cheese and bacon get to it before you do. It weights in at 189 grams, which is roughly the same weight as a Double Decker Taco Supreme, but with 600 calories, 37 grams of fat, 1120 milligrams of sodium, the Bacon Cheddar Gordita Crunch is significantly less healthy. But that won’t scare me away because the bacon beckons me.

I’m no party planning expert, but I do know a fancy toothpick though a Vienna sausage does not make it a classy hors d’oeuvre you can serve your hoity-toity friends. The bite-sized Pillsbury Mozzarella & Pepperoni Savorings may have the light, elegant croissant exterior that would appeal to your pretentious pals, but when stuffed with pepperoni, mozzarella cheese and tomato sauce the flaky crust instantly becomes this product’s fancy toothpick. Actually, I don’t think any flavor that you can also find in a Hot Pocket can be stuffed into a croissant without causing a French pastry chef somewhere to weep in disgust.

The outside of each Mozzarella & Pepperoni Savorings was flakier than a crack addict responsible for turning in the rent check. It was delicious and its taste reminded Totino’s pepperoni party pizzas, which after some research shouldn’t have been surprising since Totino’s is a Pillsbury product. I also found out during my investigation that Totino’s also has cheap pepperoni Pizza Rolls, which probably tastes like these Savorings. So basically this product tries to be sophisticated, but despite the flaky pastry exterior it’s just a simple pizza roll. It’s just like the contestants on Rock of Love: Charm School; as hard as they try to be refined, deep down they’re still strippers and whores.

The only characteristic that makes the Pillsbury Mozzarella & Pepperoni Savorings seem fancy it its price, which is much more than its lowbrow cousin, Totino’s Pizza Rolls. With a high price tag, it was even more disappointing that the box contained only 12 measly pieces. Not only are these Savorings pricey, they’re also a pain in the ass to make because, according to the box, they can’t be microwaved. Instead I was forced to kick it old school by doing some preheating and baking them in an oven or toaster oven for 17-22 minutes. I would understand doing this for a meal, but not for a snack.

The Pillsbury Mozzarella & Pepperoni Savorings may be small, but they’re big in saturated fat and sodium. Eat four of them and you’ll get 35 percent of your daily recommended allowance of saturated fat and 20 percent of your daily recommended allowance of sodium, which is somewhat salty, but not as salty as your hoity-toity friends.

(Nutrition Facts - 4 pastry bites - 250 calories, 16 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 450 milligrams of sodium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 2 grams of sugar, 6 grams of protein, 10% Vitamin A, 4% Calcium, and 8% Iron.)

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to TIB reader tobikiriakujin for suggesting the Pillsbury Savorings via Twitter. Speaking of Twitter, if you have a Twitter account, you can follow me here. Also, here’s a link to a review of the Buffalo Style Chicken version.)

Item: Pillsbury Mozzarella & Pepperoni Savorings
Price: $4.99 (on sale)
Size: 12 count
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Delicious. Nice crunchy, flaky exterior. Reminds me of Totino’s Pepperoni Pizza. A product of Canada and not China.
Cons: Damn expensive. Can’t microwave. Number of pieces seem low for something so expensive. For something so small, it’s high in saturated fat. Flaky crumbs. Giving the rent check with your crack addict roommate. Your hoity-toity friends. Making French pastry chefs cry.

I’m pretty sure that despite what Axe shows in their commercials, no guy has ever gotten laid because of an Axe body spray, deodorant, or shower gel. Some guy might say it was, but I’m positive that he got laid for other reasons, like alcohol, the woman’s need for a green card, desperation or pity. Not even the Axe Dark Temptation Shower Gel with its chocolatey scent could get a guy laid, despite the love women have for chocolate.

I think the only lovin’ a guy could get with a chocolate shower gel is from a dog, because if there’s one thing I’ve learned from my subscription to Dog Fancy Magazine, besides picking the best sweater for your pooch, it’s that dogs love chocolate — even though it could kill them.

Axe scents, to me, are like Nickelback and Daughtry songs — I can’t tell them apart. I was hoping the Axe Dark Temptation Shower Gel would have the same smell, look and consistency as chocolate pudding, but instead it looked like clover honey. Its spicy and slightly sweet scent was decent, but reminded me of other Axe shower gels I’ve used in the past. It’s not really chocolatey, which would’ve made it stand out among the other Axe scents and get me some serious tail. Dog tail, that is.

Overall, I’m disappointed by how un-chocolatey the Axe Dark Temptation Shower Gel is because cosmetic company Philosophy has their own chocolate body washes which look and smell like chocolate. They’re so delicious that if there wasn’t the warning on the bottle that says in bold and lowercase letters, “caution: not for internal use,” I would probably eat them.

Not everything about the Axe Dark Temptation Shower Gel is disappointing. It lathered up nicely, thanks to the sodium laureth sulfate, and it did what it was supposed to do — get my body clean. It may not have made me smell like chocolate, but that’s okay.

If I want to smell like chocolate, I’ll do it the old-fashioned way — using melted chocolate as hair gel. You can’t rest your head on anything with it on and you must stay away from the Humane Society and pet stores, but it’s got some crazy hold.

Item: Axe Dark Temptation Shower Gel
Price: $4.99
Size: 12 ounces
Purchased at: Drugstore.com
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Decent smelling. It gets me clean. Lathers nicely. Grippy bottle. Using melted chocolate as hair gel to smell like chocolate.
Cons: Doesn’t smell chocolatey. Smells like all the other Axe body washes. Will not get you laid. Nickelback and Daughtry songs. Being attacked by dogs due to using melted chocolate as hair gel. Having a subscription to Dog Fancy Magazine and not owning a dog.

I have a coupon from the PR firm that represents Carl’s Jr. for a free Carl’s Jr. Charbroiled Steak Sandwich that I would like to give away to a TIB reader (see picture of coupon above). It’s not redeemable at Hardee’s, so this drawing is only open to those who live near a Carl’s Jr.

I’m sorry to those who don’t live near a Carl’s Jr., but TIB will be holding another prize drawing in a few weeks that will be open to more readers.

To enter this prize drawing, leave a comment for THIS post with whatever you want to say. Please fill out the email field. TIB will stop accepting entries on Wednesday, December 31, 2008 11:59 p.m. Hawaii Standard Time. One one entry is allowed per person and it is only open to those 18 years old or older.

Good luck!

Fine Print: The Impulsive Buy promises your email address will not be used to send you emails from the future to warn you about that man/woman/co-worker/anal probe. The Impulsive Buy also promises your mailing address will not be used to send you information about anything with a 0% APR. Bribes will not be accepted. The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible for lost mail, damaged mail, or power outages.

Product review blog goodness wrapped in an HTML shell.

Honestly, I’ve always wanted to French Kiss a reindeer so I can check bestiality off of my list of things I must do before I die. (via Second Rate Snacks)

I learned a new word this week: ramekins. Now I shall use it incorrectly in a sentence: After seeing her son defend the flock, the mama ewe was so proud of her little ramekins. (via Heat Eat Review)

I can’t decide which silly energy drink name I like better: Donkey Kick or Wild Tiger. (via Energy Drink Reviews)

The list of things I can enjoy straight out of the container with a spoon has gotten longer. Ice cream, Cool Whip, Nesquik powder mix, Crisco, and now Spoonfudge. (via Candyblog).

A Fannie May/Chicago Cubs candy bar? Sounds like a candy bar filled with disaster. Combine a baseball team that hasn’t won a World Series in a century with a candy company that has a name similar to a money lending organization that’s been in the news a lot recently and you’ve got a something I would be afraid to purchase for fear of it being cursed or foreclosed. (via Candy Addict)

If you’re under the age of five, you probably won’t remember a time when Wheat Thins came in only two versions: original and low sodium. Since then, Nabisco has been pumping out new Wheat Thins flavors at a pace equal to the rate übermom Michelle Duggar pumps out new babies from her bountiful womb. One of the latest additions to the Nabisco snack family is the Lightly Cinnamon Wheat Thins.

Cinnamon seems like a logical sweet flavor for Wheat Thins to dip their whole grain toes in because, honestly, I don’t think the world is ready for the greatness that could be found in Frosted Wheat Thins, Chocolate Wheat Thins or Frosted Chocolate Wheat Thins. Personally, I know I wouldn’t be able to handle that greatness, and if they ever did make any of those I would eat so much of it that they could no longer call it “Wheat Thins,” since it would cause me to become the opposite of thin.

Lightly Cinnamon Wheat Thins come close to that greatness because they are quite delicious, but I don’t have the urge to buy out the supply in every single store within a 20 mile radius, like I probably would with Frosted Chocolate Wheat Thins. At first, I thought the cinnamon flavor was a little too light, but then remembered the name of the product and kept chomping along. Complaining about the light cinnamon flavor is hard when on the front of the box it says in nice big letters, “Lightly Cinnamon.” It’s like getting angry at Fatburger for making me fat through the consumption of burgers.

The more I ate the Lightly Cinnamon Wheat Thins, the more I thought it had the right amount of cinnamon flavor. There was just enough cinnamon to make you forget you’re eating Wheat Thins and getting five grams of whole grains, but not so much that you might think you’re snorting lines of cinnamon off of a hooker’s ass.

I have to say that this is one of my favorite Wheat Thins flavors, and much like I look forward to finding out how many more children Michelle Duggar can squirt out before menopause hits, I look forward to finding out how many more sweet Wheat Thins flavors Nabisco will pump out.

(Nutrition Facts - 15 crackers - 140 calories, 5 grams of fat, 1 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 3 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 125 milligrams of sodium, 50 milligrams of potassium, 21 grams of carbs, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 5 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 0% Vitamin A, 2% Calcium, 0% Vitamin C, and 6% Iron.)

Item: Nabisco Lightly Cinnamon Wheat Thins
Price: $2.50 (on sale)
Size: 9.5 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Delicious. Right amount of cinnamon. First sweet Wheat Thins. One of my favorite Wheat Thins flavors. 5 grams of whole grain per serving. Frosted Wheat Thins, Chocolate Wheat Thins or Frosted Chocolate Wheat Thins.
Cons: Contains HFCS. Getting fat by eating Fatburgers. Watching the TV Show 17 Kids and Counting (It’s not as entertaining as Jon & Kate Plus 8). Getting fat whenever Nabisco makes Frosted Wheat Thins, Chocolate Wheat Thins or Frosted Chocolate Wheat Thins.

The Coca-Cola Company recently made their lemon-lime soda, Sprite, a little self-conscious this month by introducing the slimmer and sexier Sprite Green.

The big deal about Sprite Green is that it is one of the first beverages in the U.S. made with TRUVIA, a zero-calorie natural sweetener, which was develop by Cargill and the Coca-Cola Company. I could explain in detail what TRUVIA is and how it’s made, but instead I will refer you to this Wikipedia page because if I did try I would probably make stuff up, like TRUVIA got its name because the creators of the natural sweetener are big fans of the cancelled FOX show Tru Calling.

Although, TRUVIA is a zero-calorie sweetener, Sprite Green will have 50 calories per 8.5-ounce serving and contain 5% lemon juice. It’s being marketed to active teens and young adults, but will probably be consumed more by inactive adults looking to cut a few extra calories. It was launched in only two U.S. cities earlier this month in pretty 8.5-ounce aluminum bottles, but will be available to more inactive adults in January 2009.

When I saw this tea, I had a vision that was as horrifying as it was freaky. I envisioned Bam Bam Bigelow was behind this tea company. I imagined him at board meetings in his flaming leotard with a striped blue tie and sipping tea from a dainty ceramic cup with a silver teapot. And God help you if you give Bam Bam any lip or a TPS report missing the new cover. Alas, he’s not the founder of the company.

Eggnog and tea. Oh, dear God. Are we out of possible fruit tea combinations already? Last time I checked, there was lemon, raspberry, and orange zinger. No one has done durian or starfruit or kiwi tea, yet. There’s probably a gold mine in those flavors. Or how about a refreshing garlic tea? But seriously, what were the people behind this tea thinking, bringing together an egg-based beverage and tea?

Here’s an idea, Bigelow Tea.

Roasty Chestnut Tea. It’s as wintery as eggnog and you can have a picture of two chestnuts roasting over the fire on the box. “It’ll warm your chestnuts up in no time at all!” could be its slogan.

All kidding and insanity aside, this tea is actually pretty good. The tea bag pre-teabagging, smells very much like cinnamon oatmeal, but nothing like eggnog. It’s actually quite homely and uplifting. The tea itself, after the steeping process, has a color somewhere between black and green tea which isn’t a surprise since it is made with those two teas. It retains the oatmeal smell, which is quite pleasant since most teas tend to smell musky like, say, Bam Bam Bigelow’s armpit.

The taste of this tea, well, doesn’t exactly live up to its name. There’s nothing rich or custardy about this tea, but it does sort of taste creamy-ish if you consider instant oatmeal creamy. It tastes like tea with a mild cinnamon spice and notes of instant oatmeal. I liked it, but it may not be for everyone. It’s also heavier to most other teas, which definitely makes it a winter tea, but that’s like saying a dog-shaped balloon is heavier than a helium balloon. They’re both still light.

The tea is a little more expensive compared to other teas available on the market, but still a decent product. All in all, it’s a good tea that suffers from a terrible name. Now if only there was a Bam Bam Bigelow Tea that came in a black box covered in flames.

Nutrition Facts - 1 tea bag - 0 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 0 milligrams of sodium, 0 grams of carbs, 0 gram of fiber, 0 grams of sugar, 0 gram of protein, and testicle-free.)

Item: Bigelow Eggnoggin’ Tea
Price: $3.49
Size: 8 ounces
Purchased at: Holiday Market
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Instant Cinnamon Oatmeal smell and flavor. Decent bargain. Bam Bam Bigelow Tea. Bam Bam Bigelow the Executive
Cons: Nothing eggnogg-y about this tea. Bam Bam Bigelow’s armpit. Heavier tea. Stupid name. Garlic tea.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down, Purple cowboy. Where’s the free radical fire? Trying to shove down our throats seven antioxidant-filled fruits at one time is not cool. Most of us haven’t even gotten used to acai and the fact that the C is pronounced as an S. Even though I can stick ten grapes in my mouth and deep throat a banana (it’s all about loosening the jaw and throat), trying to take the giant step of putting a liquid fruit salad that contains seven high antioxidant fruits down my gullet seems a little like fruit waterboarding.

The seven fruits in Purple include: acai, black cherry, pomegranate, black currant, purple plum, cranberry, and blueberry. Combined they form a beverage in a color that can only usually be seen in The Artist Formerly Known As Prince’s head whenever he decides to change his name. Speaking of names, I think the name Purple is appropriate for this beverage because if the color purple had a flavor, I’m pretty sure that it would taste like this high antioxidant drink. I could test my theory, but unfortunately I do not have a box of Crayola crayons around which I could melt and drink.

Because Purple is made up of a large orgy of fruits, I really couldn’t taste individual fruits but it did taste healthy. It’s 100% natural, contains no added sugars, and provides one serving of fruits. Overall, the beverage was quite tart and a little sweet. Its initial taste will probably make you grimace a little, but you get used to the drink after a few more sips.

On the bottle, Purple claims to be “The Most Powerful Antioxidant Beverage on the Planet.” That bold claim is probably just marketing bullshit, but it’s something I can’t prove or disprove, since I don’t have access to bunsen burners, lab coats, protective goggles, a properly vented laboratory, and a memory of what I learned in my college science courses. The only things I can prove with science are my ability to stick ten grapes in my mouth and my ability to deep throat a banana.

(Nutrition Facts - 8 ounces - 112 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 15 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 28 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, 0% Vitamin A, 100% Vitamin C, 0% Calcium, and 1% Iron.)

Item: Purple
Price: $2.99
Size: 10 ounces
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Has an orgy of fruits. 100% Vitamin C. Claims to be high in antioxidants. 100% natural. A bottle provides at least one serving of fruits. No added sugars.
Cons: Tastes like what I imagine the color purple tastes like. Pricey for just 10 ounces. Initial taste will make you grimace and may take some getting used to.

I just finished randomly selecting the winners of the Bertolli Frozen Entree Prize Drawing using an online random number generator, a Coke Zero, and a bag of Lays Sour Cream and Onion potato chips. The soda and chips really didn’t do anything but watch. Lazy bastards!

Here are the seven winners:

Comment #5 Karen
Comment #23 Shane
Comment #37 Rossitron
Comment #41 Sarah
Comment #65 Skibs
Comment #80 Julie
Comment #106 dakotaman

Each winner will receive a coupon for a free Bertolli Frozen Entree.

Thanks to everyone who participated and thanks to the folks at the PR firm that represents Bertolli for sending me the coupons to give away.

Product review goodness wrapped in an HTML shell.

Be prepared this holiday season with Christmas mints when you find yourself under a mistletoe or when you trick someone into standing under a mistletoe. (via Candyblog)

The maker of such movies as Scary Movie, Date Movie, Epic Movie, and Superhero Movie should make a movie called Carrey Movie, which would be a spoof of all of Jim Carrey’s movies. I think that would be the only movie that ends with the word “movie” I would pay to see and then walked out of because it’s so horrible. (via Pajiba)

Ugh. Frozen burritos. (Cue the flashbacks from college after failed attempts at cooking and the time when I didn’t separate the Costco ground beef into individual pounds and ended up with a six pound block of frozen ground beef.) (via Freezer Burns)

If someone tried to replace my Rice Krispies Treats with a brown rice version, that brown better be there because of chocolate. (via Snackerrific)

I’m probably ruining the wholesomeness of Disney by saying this, but doesn’t the picture on the box of this Disney cereal look like Tigger is getting a little intimate with Winnie the Pooh? I’ve seen enough porn to know that back massages eventually leads to bow-chica-bow-bow. (via iateapie.net)

Let me tell you what sucks about getting old; it’s not being able to eat things that I used to eat in the quantities I want to eat them in. I remember when I could eat an entire can of Pringles in one sitting and the only consequence would be constipation. Today, if I were to eat an entire can of Pringles in one sitting not only would I have constipation, I would also increase my blood pressure and make it harder for me to fit into my waist 32 jeans.

I also remember a time when I could eat an entire pint of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream during a viewing of the movie The Notebook. But thanks to the pints of ice cream I’ve consumed over the years, not only are my arteries clogged, but apparently so are my tear ducts, which makes it extremely hard to express my sadness through crying when Noah and Allie die peacefully together holding each other’s hand at the end of The Notebook.

Because of my ever-slowing metabolism, ever-expanding waistline and the ever-deepening indentation in my couch, I’ve been having to choose healthier snack choices and eating them in reasonable serving sizes. That’s why I’ve been eating these Popchips, which I’ve seen at every Jamba Juice I’ve been to. They’re all-natural potato chips and they contain no preservatives, artificial flavors, cholesterol, saturated fat and trans fat. What separates these from regular potato chips is that they aren’t fried. Instead they’re “popped,” which according to the company involves applying heat and pressure to the potatoes until they pop. The Popchips are slightly greasy, but that’s due to their use of safflower and sunflower oil in the seasoning.

Popchips come in flavors for a variety of palates: original, barbeque, parmesan garlic, salt & pepper, and sea salt & vinegar. I’ve tried every flavor and I enjoyed all of them. My favorite out of the bunch was the parmesan garlic.

Are they better tasting than regular fried potato chips?

The short answer.

No.

The long answer that’s long due to too many adjectives.

There’s something about thin, round slices of potato placed in a huge, scalding oil bath that warps them into deformed, golden shapes that tastes so good and makes them extremely crunchy and crack-addictive, which the Popchips can’t match.

They may not be addictive and as crunchy as regular potato chips, but they’re quite delectable and make Lays Baked Potato Chips, which was my previous guilt-free potato chip alternative, taste even more like cardboard. I do wish I could find bags bigger than the one-ounce ones I can get from Jamba Juice because I finish the entire bag at around the 35 minute mark in The Notebook, when Noah and Allie are trying to make sweet, sweet love for the very first time but are interrupted by Noah’s friend.

(Nutrition Facts - 1 bag - (some nutrition values varies between flavors) - 120 calories, 4 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 250-310 milligrams of sodium, 20 grams of carbs, 1 gram of fiber, 0-2 grams of sugar, and 1 gram of protein.)

Item: Popchips
Price: FREE
Size: 1 ounce
Purchased at: Given by nice PR people
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Delectable. Crunchy. Healthier than regular potato chips. No saturated and trans fats. Better than Baked Lays. Comes in a number of flavors. The Notebook.
Cons: Not as tasty or crunchy as regular potato chips. Hard to find bigger bags of it. Constipation from eating a can of Pringles. My ever-slowing metabolism, ever-expanding waistline and the ever-deepening indentation in my couch. Being interrupted while trying to make sweet, sweet love for the very first time.

Once in a while there’s a special product that I just can’t write about in normal paragraphs because it’s something that I believe deserves more than just blocks of joined sentences that are separated by two punches of my keyboard’s space bar.

Astronaut Ice Cream is worthy of the best word craftsmanship that my English degree and thesaurus can produce. I firmly believe that the only way I could pay homage to this product is through the gift of rhyme.

I’m not talking about a sonnet, limerick, quatrain, allegory, or epigram. I’m talking about something a lot more contemporary. So right now I’m about to drop some mad, crazy skills on y’all that would make Kanye West not shake in his sunglasses that he seems to wear whether he’s outdoors or indoors.

Awwww yeah. This one goes out to all the Space Cowboys. Giddy up!

From the Space Shuttles to the all the Apollo missions,
giving astronaut bros and hos instant, sweet salvation.
After experiments with a monkey or a long space flight,
only Astronaut Ice Cream can satisfy an astronaut’s appetite.

(Nutrition Facts - 1 slice - 120 calories, 4 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 50 milligrams of sodium, 15 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 12 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 4% Vitamin A, 0% Vitamin C, 8% Calcium, and 0% Iron.)

Item: Astronaut Ice Cream
Price: $2.50 (on sale)
Size: 0.7 ounces
Purchased at: Longs Drugs
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: One of my favorite things to eat in the world. The feeling of it melting in my mouth. Chocolate tastes like actual chocolate ice cream. It’s what astronauts eat. Made in the USA. Kanye West wearing sunglasses outdoors.
Cons: Not as good as the real thing. Vanilla and strawberry don’t quite taste like their frozen versions. Small and pricey. Breaks easily. Contains HFCS. Might be hard to find. Kanye West wearing sunglasses indoors.

I guess this solves the mystery of what happened to Clubber Lang after Rocky III − he retired and decided to use the money he won prizefighting to start a pierogi company for his wife. But this opens another line of questioning: Why was he always so damn pissed off? These things are delicious and easy to make; a great quick lunch just as advertised on the back of the box.

Oh well, Mr. T’s misfortune is our gain. I’ve never had pierogies before and can’t imagine that these things are anything close to authentic, but I love the idea of eating two starches at once. The ability to chew mashed potatoes sounds like something out of my dreams. Pierogies feel like something that Willy Wonka would invent if he wasn’t so obsessed with killing kids addicted to sweets. And as it turns out, cheesy mashed potatoes wrapped like ravioli in a sturdy pasta shell is just as tasty as I would have imagined.

As with almost any frozen food, I decided to cook it “ghetto style.” They say to sauté it for eight minutes, but who’s got that kind of time to spare? I microwaved them for a minute and then threw them in a pan with some margarine, oil, and onions until slightly browned. Gently lay them on a bed of lettuce with a dollop of sour cream and you have yourself a plate of food that you’d slap your mama for, all for about a buck and in under four minutes. Take that, Sandra Lee!

After a micro-sauté, the skin is nice and chewy with some bits of the shell becoming crispy. The contrast in textures is almost crack-like in addictiveness and you’ll probably eat more than the recommended serving size. Have I mentioned that these are like chewing on cheesy mashed potatoes dipped in sour cream? But don’t feel bad − the box says that it’s low on fat! Though I’m left to wonder if they take the copious amount of margarine, olive oil, and sour cream into account…

(Nutritional Facts - 3 pierogies -170 calories, 2.5 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 5 mg of cholesterol, 510mg sodium, 32 grams of carbs, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 1 gram of sugar, 6 grams of protein, 2% Vitamin A, 10% Vitamin C, 4% Calcium, and 8% Iron)

Item: Mrs. T’s Potato & Cheddar Pierogies
Price: $2.19
Size: 16 ounces
Purchased at: Stater Bros.
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Chewing on mashed potatoes. Ability to dip said mashed potatoes into various creams and sauces. Skin is chewy and crispy. You can make a quick and cheap meal from these things.
Cons: Mashed potatoes and cheese are obviously of the flake and powder variety, respectively. Eastern Europeans would probably shun these. You’ll almost certainly eat too many. Mr. T’s anger issues in Rocky III.

Hot Pockets.

I can hear some of you silently cheering and some of you cringing. Those of you who are saying “meh,” I shake the back of my fist wildly in the air at you. But this isn’t about how much I hate the word “meh,” it’s about the new variation of Hot Pockets that was released upon us — the Hot Pockets Hearty Sized Biscuits.

*gasp*

Actually, it’s a variation of a variation, truth be told. The “new” Hot Pocket is actually just the standard breakfast Hot Pocket recycled in a “new” crust — a biscuit crust.

Now, let me be clear here. I have no experience when it comes to a true fresh homemade biscuits. The only things that come to mind when I think biscuits are the crappy kind that comes with a fast food chicken dinner (KFC and Popeye’s) or the very misplaced cheesy biscuits at Red Lobster.

(Writer’s Note: Speaking of Red Lobster, what the hell? Biscuits do NOT go with surf and turf, no matter how buttery their shrimps are.)

Having said that, there was nothing remotely biscuit-y about these particular Hot Pockets. The taste and texture of the crust envelope was more akin to the standard Hot Pocket crust, although I will say there is a little biscuit-y-ness to it. The crust was slightly crispy and crunchy on some of the edges like so many of my Hot Pockets have turned out, but my impression upon biting into this was, “Where the hell’s the biscuit? And why is it so dry?”

It’s painfully clear that none of the men and women involved in making this Hot Pocket have a trace of the South in their blood. Otherwise, their nanas would rise from the grave and spank them to death with a cast iron pan.

Although, there is actually one way this Hot Pocket does live up to its name; just let it thaw. I know it doesn’t sound appetizing, but I did like some of my Hot Pockets this way. Ok, that’s a lie. But it was the only way to get your Hot Pocket fix if your parents were being dictators on the subject of snacking. And some of them do respond well to the thawing process, but that’s a different story. The thawed version of this sandwich is much more like a biscuit, albeit a cold and dry one.

The filling is pretty much the same as you’d find in the regular version of this Hot Pocket. A sweet mild sausage that permeates throughout the whole filling, a cheese sausage that’s far too creamy, and blocks of eggs that don’t do squat. The flavor is actually, come to think of it, much more akin to sausage and gravy. It’s not a bad thing, but it’s not what I bought. At least this thing’s big enough for a decent mouthful and it’s done in less than three minutes from package to the plate.

I guess I only have one thing to say to this Hot Pocket. Meh. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to shake my fist at the mirror.

(Nutrition Facts - 1 pocket - 290 calories, 11 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 50 milligrams of cholesterol, 680 milligrams of sodium, 36 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 5 grams of sugar, and 10 grams of protein.)

Item: Hot Pockets Sausage, Egg & Cheese Hearty Sized Biscuits
Price: $3.19
Size: 2 pack
Purchased at: Holiday Market
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Fast to warm up. Filling tastes all right. Decent-sized. Red Lobster biscuit. Zombie Nana.
Cons: Dry and crunchy. Little biscuit-y-ness. doesn’t taste as advertised. The word “meh.” Yet another Hot Pockets product.