REVIEW: Doritos Late Night Tacos At Midnight

The Doritos Late Night Tacos At Midnight is missing something, but I can’t quite put my finger on it.

Oh yeah, that’s right.

It’s missing the grease that real tacos at midnight would have, which lubricates the body so that the shame from the evening of debauchery can pass through easier. The tacos themselves also help by replacing the regret of whatever you did earlier in the evening with the shame of eating cheap, fast food tacos that will make you fart in your sleep.

The grease is necessary to wash away things like the regret of giving your cell phone number to the crazy, borderline homely person at the bar who keeps texting you about how special you are to them because you bought them a drink, which they mistook as a gift of courtship, but was really a pity drink after he/she told you their depressing story about how they got dumped on Valentine’s Day and the restraining order they received shortly after, all of which happened after you two accidently met on the dance floor while the DJ was playing “your jam” — a sped up mashup of Technotronic’s “Pump Up The Jam” and Joe Budden’s “Pump It Up.”

You don’t remember that person’s name, but you do know what they look like because you’ve received 20 or so text messages from them since you left the club an hour ago, and with every text their strobe light-lighted picture you took on your cell phone about 90 minutes ago when you were a lot more inebriated shows up on your phone’s screen. In your more sober state, you think to yourself, “Not even the poor lighting makes him/her look better.” Also at that point, you regret having your phone’s text messaging alert set to the chorus of A Tribe Called Quest’s “Hot Sex.”

The Doritos Late Night Tacos At Midnight may not have grease, or a simple name, but it does taste like a fast food taco and they’re tasty. Although its flavor specifically reminds me of a Jack in the Box taco, which isn’t my favorite fast food taco. But for some it’s the taco of choice for those who want to forget the embarrassment of drunk making out with someone who smelled like burnt hair and cigarette ashes, wore a lot of polyester and didn’t have all their teeth. You can point at the dark red powder that covers the chips for that flavor and you can also blame that powder for the slight spice of the chip and for making your fingers look like they contracted a nasty sexually transmitted disease.

The similarities between the Doritos Late Night Tacos At Midnight chips and Jack in the Box tacos don’t stop with flavor. Just like a Jack in the Box taco, when you burp after eating these Doritos you get to savor its flavor all over again. But without the grease found in regular tacos, these triangular chips won’t help the next time you find yourself in the back seat of a car, hopefully not a Mini Cooper, with someone who you think is of the opposite sex, but really isn’t.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 ounce – 150 calories, 1 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 240 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, less than 1 gram of sugar, 2 grams of protein,

Item: Doritos Late Night Tacos At Midnight
Price: $3.00
Size: 13 7/8 ounces
Purchased at: The-Blue-Superstore-Behemoth-That-Must-Not-Be-Named
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Tasty. If you like Jack in the Box tacos, it tastes like them. The grease from tacos. Forgetting things that will prevent you from running for office. Restraining orders.
Cons: Doesn’t contain the grease that real tacos have. Tastes like Jack in the Box taco, which aren’t my favorite. Anything bad that happens when you’re inebriated. Retasting it after you burp. Any mashup that contains Technotronic’s “Pump Up The Jam” and Joe Budden’s “Pump It Up.” Giving your phone number to a scary stranger.

20 thoughts to “REVIEW: Doritos Late Night Tacos At Midnight”

  1. I like tacos !! I would like a new flavor however


  2. I saw a Doritos flavor in the international aisle of the grocery store recently called “Diablo” or something like that. There was another flavor, too, but I can’t remember the name. Both looked menacing. Sounds like a challenge, Marvo.

    Ha. “Pump Up the Jam” = fun karaoke song.

  3. I was going to comment, but that crazy freak in the weight loss add is scaring the shit out of me.

  4. Damn Marvo… Taco Flavored, I thought that the jack in the box comparison was pretty poignent (hillarious too) still I can’t really replace that quintessential grease that helps the passing of shame. I guess you’d say that this is somthing that is bad for you that winds up being good for you in the end!

  5. @Neil the hammer: I’m sure many chip companies have tried to make that a reality, but since we haven’t seen anyone come out with one, it must be a hard task.

    @amanda: No, I’m sure they’ve got a whole lot of other flavors in store for our taste buds.

    @Chuck: Alcohol + crazy people = drama

    @lex: You haven’t felt dirty from reading other reviews? I’m not doing my job.

    @Nhiro: The other flavor is Toro, which is also the name of my favorite lawnmower company.

    @grinder: I don’t like those weight loss ads either and I’ve been trying to get rid of them.

    @Walter Bernhard: I think the grease also helps us poop better.

  6. international delight coffee creamer has a new flavor out: chocolate eclair… i want you to review it. please. mmm.

  7. Tried some of those chips today. I thought they tasted more like the packets of mild sauce from Taco Bell then the actual tacos.

  8. I like my tacos without lettuce. Unfortunately these chips taste EXACTLY like Jack in the Box tacos with lettuce. I bet they would be good dipped in buttermilk ranch.

  9. @yr momz: Those ads love this blog. I try to get rid of them, but they keep coming back.

    @Zac Pritcher: No problemo. You did an excellent job with your review.

    @Matt: I don’t know if you have a Jack in the Box near you, but as I mentioned in the review they taste like their tacos.

    @Shep: I also bet they would be good stuffed in a Jumbo Jack AND dipped in buttermilk ranch sauce.

    @lulu: Well then, go forth and consume.

  10. The after midnight chicken flavour coated my mouth with a glaze. MSG i am guessing. Horrible.

Comments are closed.