REVIEW: Planters Triple Nut Big Nut Bar

All right. Let’s get it out of the bloody way.

Nuts. Balls. Nads. Gonads. Cojones. Testes. Testicles. Bollocks. Knap sack. Hacky Sack. Nards. Scrotum. Plums. Eggs. Family Jewels. Nutsack. Benjamins. Crown Jewels. Pouch. Junk. The Twins. Nuggets. Dragonballs. Man-Berries. Stones. Boys. Bag. Rocks. Nackers. Hairy Acorns. Biscuits.

Left and Right Man Brains. Acorns. Jay Leno’s Chin. Apples. Punching Bags. Apricots. Bags. Jizz Generators. Bangers. Beans. Bean Bags. Bozack. Chicken Nuggets. Chin Ornaments. The Rocky Mountains. Chin Rests. Flesh Balloons. Giggle Berries.

Uranus’ Moons. Goolies. My Guys. Ala-Alas (Hawaii Pidgin). Hairy Danglers. Huevos. Jawbreakers. Sperm Spitters. Klackers. Knackers. Loins. Love Spuds. Man Ovaries. Marbles. Nadgers. Pebbles. Ping and Pong. Potatoes. Hell’s Bells.

Yams. Yarbles. Double Cocoons. Bits and Bytes. Boulders. Kintama (Japanese). Love Sack. Fleshy Christmas Ornaments. Right Nut/Left Nut. Love Bugs. Eier (German). Cherries. Man Purse. Grapes. Peaches. Gamete Givers. Juicy Fruits.

It’s hard to do an Impulsive Buy review about a product called the Planters Triple Nut Big Nut Bar without trying to weave every conceivable term for testicles in between words, sentences and paragraphs, like I’m trying to construct a quilt of synonyms. But just like building a quilt, intertwining testicle terms into a testimonial takes time, patience and the mind of a 15-year-old boy, all of which I no longer have. Instead, I combined the nut names into chewable bars, much like Planters did with the honey roasted peanuts, almonds, cashews and granola in their Triple Nut Big Nut Bar.

The nuts themselves aren’t bigger, just the bar itself, which the packaging claims to be 30% bigger than the leading nut and granola bar. Although it’s a chewy granola bar, I didn’t notice any granola while eating it. All I could taste were nuts in my mouth. But despite having almonds and cashews, all I could taste were the honey roasted peanuts, which bothered me.

Overall, the Triple Nut Big Nut Bar combines sweet and salty nicely and tastes good, if you really like peanuts.

Speaking of salty, here are more testicle terms for you to enjoy.

Fraggle Rocks. The Sag Bag. Grape Nuts. Baggy Sac. Fuzznugs. The Testis Twins. The OO in Tool. The House and Senate. Spunk Pumps. Taters. Teabags. Low Hanging Hairy Fruit. Underwear Monkeys. Coin Purse. The Eyes of the Taint.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bar – 220 calories, 12 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 3.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 6 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 230 milligrams of sodium, 23 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 13 grams of sugar, 7 grams of protein, 2% calcium, 110% vitamin E and 10% phosphorus.)

(Thanks to Twitter pals twobeerqueers, popstat, hexopod, OffHerCork, cheaplander, jen14221 and kembree for adding to the list of testicle names.)

Item: Planters Triple Nut Big Nut Bar
Price: FREE ($2.99 retail price for a 5-pack)
Size: 1.62 ounces
Purchased at: Given by Planters
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Combines sweet and salty nicely. Chewy. High in polyunsaturated and monounsaturated fats. If you love peanuts, you’ll like this. Awesome source of vitamin E, whatever it does. Coming up with terms for testicles.
Cons: Can’t really taste the almonds and cashews. Didn’t notice the granola. Taking the time to construct a quilt of synonyms. The vast number of slang for testicles.

19 thoughts to “REVIEW: Planters Triple Nut Big Nut Bar”

  1. Is this more similar to a Pay Day candy bar or granola bar? Marvo, I saw your tweet last night while you were in the middle of finding other words for testicles…you were at 73. Haha…what was the final count?

  2. My brother calls his testicles (testicli?) the boys. As in “The boys are hot.” I then tell him I don’t care about his boys and to put them away.

  3. Have you noticed how every candy bar has been getting bigger at the same time Americans have been getting fatter? Sometimes it’s good to have quality instead of quantity…oh well.

  4. Me & the hubby were playing Karate the other day and I kicked him in his jawn-ski. I swear it was an accident.

    “Flesh Ballons”…that sounds really nasty.

  5. Wow.. some of those are gross.

    My favorite part… “All I could taste were nuts in my mouth. ” You really set yourself up for something there.. .lol

  6. Hmmm Marvo you really know your gonad slang, It’s a good thing I don’t eat peanuts (which aren’t really a nut) because if I did I’d have nuts in my mouth.

  7. I know this is going to sound really obvious, but those people at planters really seem to like putting salty nuts in peoples’ mouths… I wonder if they could collectivly be considered to have T-bagged the masses…

    Just Sayin’

  8. @Ryan: It’s more like a Pay Day than a granola bar. As for the number of words, I stopped counting, but I do know it’s above 80.

    @govtdrone: Direct your brother to this list and he’ll have other ways to say it.

    @Chuck: I think candy bars are not big enough. They should make them so big that if one were to eat the whole thing in one sitting they would get diarrhea, which would hopefully teach them a lesson about gluttony.

    @Yum Yucky: Sure it was and I’m sure the second time you take him there was an accident as well.

    @theGrit: Sadly, if I had more time, I probably could’ve came up with another 25 or so.

    @lex: I was going to add a line saying something like, “the nuts slapped me in my face.”

    @Bear Silber: I gotta represent, so I have to break out the Japanese.

    @Hobo With a Shotgun: I know my slang and so does Google.

    @Vik the Viper: I guess they are tea bagging the masses.

  9. That alot of names for a set of balls. Now onto the candy bar sounds very good and I like sweet and salty
    Im glad they are trying to improve this candy bar.
    The best improvement so far in 2009 has to be pepsi throwback wow is that good

    THAT IS ALL

  10. With all of the peanut free products out there this bar is like the bad ass boyfriend who pisses off your parents. And tastes delicious.

  11. @brad: I think I could’ve added more, but I think I’ll save them for another peanut product review.

    @Neil the hammer: You’re really liking Pepsi throwback. You’re making Pepsi happy. Pepsi wants to hug you.

    @Natalie: Someone should make a testicle synonym calendar. 365 days of nuts.

    @amanda: I felt the same way when I watched Total Recall and saw the three breast lady.

    @grinder: I am the lazy ass boyfriend who pisses off your parents.

    @JW: Almost.

    @Adam: Sex spuds could also be used.

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