REVIEW: Listerine Zero

Written by | October 4, 2010

Topics: 8 Rating, Listerine

Listerine Zero

The new Listerine Zero has no alcohol in it, which means it doesn’t have the usual Listerine burn that causes some to curse oral hygiene.

However, I enjoy the burning sensation because if I’m suffering while swishing Listerine for 60 seconds, I can imagine how much pain those millions of germs in my mouth that cause bad breath are experiencing.

All of it warms the cockles of my heart. Their agony is my pleasure.

However, with Listerine Zero I derive a lot less pleasure from killing those millions of germs.

It wouldn’t be so bad if I could hear the screams of the germs or if the germs could beg for their lives or if I could pretend to let the germs go, giving them a false sense of hope and then hunt them down using the RFID chip I would surgically place in them. But as we all know, germs don’t have mouths to scream out of or knees to beg on, and microscopic RFID chips aren’t available yet.

If only I could get my hands on some nanotechnology, then I could have nanorobots, armed with razor sharp arms, gut each and every germ. The nanorobots would also be programmed to take a germ’s skin and wear it.

I guess to get some delight from killing germs with Listerine Zero, I could scrape my tongue and cheek; stick whatever I collect on a microscope slide; place it under a microscope to watch those germs slowly die without a warm, moist environment; and then when they least expect it, place a drop of Listerine Zero on top of them. The mouthwash will kill them instantly and I get to watch their lifeless bodies float on the microscope slide. Rinse and repeat.

But alas, I don’t have access to nanotechnology or a microscope.

The instructions recommend rinsing with Listerine Zero for 30 seconds, which is extremely easy to do, thanks to its pleasant, muted Clean Mint flavor. While there’s still a burning sensation, it’s extremely light. On a burning scale of one to ten, with one being water and ten being original Listerine, the alcohol-less Listerine Zero would be a three or four.

With that very slight burn, I easily drowned the germs in my mouth for three minutes and then got rid of the bodies by spitting them and the murder weapon down the drain. If I had the time and saliva didn’t build up in my mouth, I could’ve kept those germs in a minty purgatory forever.

Listerine Zero did a good job of leaving my mouth feeling minty fresh and killing those germs that cause bad breath. And it did it without making me cry like I usually do with regular Listerine. But it seems the only way for me to get any pleasure from killing the millions of germs in my mouth with Listerine Zero is to swish it in my mouth for more than the recommended 30 seconds, while imagining those germs exploding and rubbing my nipples with the right amount of friction.

Item: Listerine Zero
Price: $4.79
Size: 500 mL
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Great for those who cry when using regular Listerine. No alcohol. Less intense. Pleasant, muted minty flavor. Killing millions of germs on contact. The pleasure I get from killing those germs.
Cons: Won’t wake you up in the morning like regular Listerine. Not having access to nanotechnology, RFID chips or a microscope. People with sensitive mouths might still feel it’s too intense. The pleasure I get from killing those germs.






26 Comments For This Post I'd Love to Hear Yours!

  1. Devika says:

    I’m glad I”m not the only one who kind of likes the LIsterine burn! Also, I work for an electrical engineering society, so I have access to plenty of nanotechnology and RFID chips (although I don’t really know why you would need RFID to see dying germs, but you could use it to monitor the course their little corpses take from the drain to the ocean).

  2. TomHandy says:

    OK, something’s been driving me nuts. Listerine also has a product called Listerine TotalCare – I’ve been sort of confused about whether you can use Listerine TotalCare in addition to regular Listerine, or if the idea is supposed to be that you use Listerine TotalCare instead of regular Listerine.

    And I’m serious, this issue is slowly driving me insane.

    • Marvo says:

      I believe Listerine Total Care replaces regular Listerine because Total Care also kills the millions of germs that cause bad breath. Although, if you’re really anal, you could use both.

  3. amanda says:

    I really don’t see the problem with the old Listerine. I don’t use listerine anymore and was recommended to use some type of fluoride rinse instead for my mouth. Who knows?

  4. Fontania says:

    What is the active ingredient in Listerine Zero? Is it the same as the active ingredient in Crest-Pro Health Rinse? That ingredient is cetylpyridinium chloride and causes brown staining between the teeth (which then has to be removed by a dentist). If it has the same ingredient, I would not recommend that you use Listerine Zero!

  5. Chuck says:

    Someday, Listerine will come out with a habanero mouthwash and when they do, I’ll be all over it like a cheap suit. This one I’ll probably pass on though.

  6. Steve says:

    Ha! Alright that is my new favorite review. I am against the pussification of Listerine. Listerine means you take oral hygiene seriously. Like a man!

    But I also freaked out when they started dumbing down trivial pursuit. If we cant have our random factoids about Designing Women and alcoholic mouthwash, what can we have?

  7. Sue says:

    To fontania – the active is NOT the same as crest. That was the first thing I checked cause the crest stained my teeth horribly

  8. Suzanne says:

    My dental hygienist forbid me to use anything but name brand Listerine. She swears it is the only thing standing between me and gingivectomy. I’m even afraid to try this non-alcoholic one.

  9. Kelley says:

    I think the really important issue here is that now family members who house arrest their own alcoholic relatives have an option to freshen their breath without worry of said alcoholic drinking all the Listerine.

    On the other hand, now alcoholics under house arrest from their relatives have no way to stop the DTs. Gotta see it from both sides.

  10. gojira says:

    +1 on liking the burn of mouth wash. Painful, yes … but in a good way.

  11. dragon089 says:

    I don’t like any mouthwash at all. But I’d been use Listerine now to protect from gravities. Recently, my hygienist recommended to use non-alcohol Listerine during I take allergy pills in pollen season. Since allergy pills keeps your sinus dry and alcohol makes your body over dry, and that isn’t good for my gravity protection. Allergy pills, allergy eyes drops or nasal spay aren’t good for regular alcohol mouthwash, but non-alcohol mouthwash.

  12. Amy K says:

    Marvo you are the best writer, I can’t believe someone could make a mouthwash review so entertaining. I laughed out loud reading this!

  13. Maria says:

    I was drinking juice while reading this article and it made me laugh to point where my desk is now covered in it. thanks.

  14. cj says:

    What is put in the Listerine Zero to replace the alcohol?



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