Month: September 2004

Froot Loops with 1/3 Less Sugar

Marvo 4 Comments

Froot Loops

Where the hell is Toucan Sam? I want to barbeque his blue-feathered ass.

What’s up with this 1/3 less sugar in his Froot Loops?

Doesn’t Toucan Sam realize he’s ruining the lives of grade school children everywhere? Sending them to school without adequate sugar levels is a recipe for failure in the classroom.

I hate to imagine where would I have been without sugary breakfast cereals? I probably wouldn’t have survived grade school. I wouldn’t have paid attention to my teacher, gotten good grades, completed my math worksheets before anyone else, gotten gold stars on my progress chart, become the tetherball king of the playground, or be able to handle the beating I received for being the biggest nerd, geek, dweeb, and dork.

For me, sugar was like steroids. It made me a better student. Sure I was a little “husky,” but I excelled in school and that’s all that really mattered. It’s better to be a smart “husky” kid than a stupid “husky” kid.

For a while the cereal companies had it right by adding more. They were adding more chocolate, more marshmallows, and more rainbow fruity colors.

But now the trend is to have less. So eventually is there also going to be less chocolate, less marshmallows, and less rainbow fruity colors?

Where’s the neural stimulant that kids are going to need to make it through lunch? They can’t drink coffee, because no grade school child can afford Starbucks everyday.

Despite having 1/3 less sugar than regular Froot Loops, I was surprised that it tastes almost like regular Froot Loops. But still, I wish it had more sugar, some marshmallows, and more rainbow fruity colors.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. It’s where we all get the energy to make it through work and school. For many adults that energy comes in the form of caffeine. For kids, that energy comes in the form of sugar, because I don’t know of any parents that are irresponsible/cool enough to allow their kids to drink soda with breakfast.

So Toucan Sam, please put the sugar back into Froot Loops.

What?

They still sell regular Froot Loops?

Oh, never mind.

Item: Froot Loops with 1/3 Less Sugar
Purchase Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Tastes just like regular Froot Loops.
Cons: Won’t be able to function without adequate amounts of sugar.

Less Than Jake – B is for B-Sides

Marvo

B is for B-Sides

B is for Bug

I have the iTunes Music Store bug. So far I’ve bought 453 songs from iTunes. Although as you regular Impulsive Buy readers may know, 117 of those came from the Mozart: Symphonies collection I bought a few months back in my attempt to win the iTunes 1,000,000th download contest.

The great thing about the iTunes Music Store is the ability to purchase and download individual tracks. I want “Ice Ice Baby,” but I definitely don’t want the rest of To The Extreme. Okay, maybe I might want “Play That Funky Music,” but just for those I Love the 90s nostalgia moments and when I decide to get lines shaved on the side of my head.

On occasion, I do purchase whole albums from iTunes, like Less Than Jake’s B is for B-Sides

B is for Bargain

B is for B-Sides is a bargain because I bought the album for $7.92. At Amazon the CD can be purchased for $13.98. That’s a six-dollar difference. Sure you can rip the songs and distribute them across peer-to-peer networks with the CD, but I’m really scared of the RIAA and Metallica, although not as much since they cut their hair.

B is for Brief.

B is for B-Sides contains 12 tracks that total about 28 minutes in length, which is quite brief. Almost all of the songs run under two minutes and thirty seconds. Just to let you ladies know, my lovemaking sessions last much longer than this album. So what album would best describe the length of my lovemaking abilities? All 9 hours and 56 minutes of the Mozart: Symphonies collection, of course.

Okay, not really.

B is for Bitchin’

Despite its length, the album is bitchin’ (Wait. Do the young folks still use that word? How about B is for Bad Ass?). All the tracks for B is for B-Sides were recorded for the Anthem album, which was released last year. If you’re a hardcore fan of the group, this album will probably sound a little different than their earlier albums, because the horn section isn’t featured as much. But the songs are as fast-paced as ever. Some of my favorites include “Portrait of a Cigarette Smoker At 19” and “Bridge and Tunnel Authority.”

B is for Bill

Because the iTunes Music Store uses your credit card information for purchases, the $7.92 was added to my slowly growing credit card bill, but it was worth it.

Item: Less Than Jake – B is for B-Sides
Purchase Price: $7.92 (iTunes Music Store)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Bargain. Bitchin’ and Bad Ass.
Cons: Brief.

Hood Carb Countdown Strawberry-Banana Lowfat Yogurt Smoothie

Marvo 1 Comment

Hood Smoothie

The Impulsive Buy has reviewed a couple of yogurt smoothies over the past couple of months: The Yoplait Nouriche and the Dannon Frusion. Both of them were good, but if you read the nutritional information, you will notice each product has enough carbs and sugar to cause the late Dr. Atkins to un-cremate his body and scold your carb-craving fat ass.

If that whole coming back to life by un-cremation were possible, the zombie Dr. Atkins would probably recommend the Hood Carb Countdown Strawberry-Banana Lowfat Yogurt Smoothie. He would also try to eat your brains, because he’s a zombie and it’s protein.

While chewing on your cerebellum, he would probably tell you that the Hood Carb Countdown Strawberry-Banana Lowfat Yogurt Smoothie is low in carbs, low in sugar, low in fat, low in calories, and has more protein than the Yoplait Nouriche, Dannon Frusion, and your brain stem. Also, he might brag about the fact his name in prominently on the bottle a couple of times.

Unfortunately, the zombie Dr. Atkins probably wouldn’t mention the fact that the Hood Carb Countdown Strawberry-Banana Lowfat Yogurt Smoothie tastes much worse than the Nouriche and Frusion, but slightly better than the frontal lobe he’s chewing on.

The texture of it was kind of chalky, and yes I did remember to shake well. I guess I should’ve expected this, after all it is “lowfat.”

Now boys and girls, to avoid selecting crappy products while you’re shopping, it’s very important to remember this fun and simple equation:


LCarb + LS + LF + LCal = CRAP
(Low Carbs + Low Sugar + Low Fat + Low Calories = Cruddy Repulsive Attempt at a Product)

If you’re trying to reduce your carbohydrates intake, this is a great product with only 4 grams of carbs, but that’s all it’s got going for it.

Item: Hood Carb Countdown Strawberry-Banana Lowfat Yogurt Smoothie
Purchase Price: $2.39 (on sale)
Rating: 1 out of 5
Pros: Low carbs. Low sugar. Low fat. Low calories.
Cons: Low carbs. Low sugar. Low fat. Low calories. Low taste. Low desire to buy another.

REVIEW: KFC Snacker

Marvo 2 Comments

KFC Snacker

I was going to start off this review with some sexual analogy about how some women say size doesn’t matter. Then I realized how overused these types of analogies are. I’ve even used it in a previous review. I didn’t want to stoop to that level again, because this is a classy, well-respected quasi-review website that averages 20 visitors a day.

I could have said something like, “The KFC Snacker is small, but many people say it’s cute.”

Or I could have said, “The KFC Snacker maybe small, but it tries its best to get the job done.”

Or “The KFC Snacker is small, because it admits it’s very cold outside.”

Or “It’s not the size of the KFC Snacker that matters, it’s the motion of the ocean of secret herbs and spices.”

Okay, that last one was pretty lame.

However, instead of complaining about how small the KFC Snacker is in the form of badly written sexual innuendoes, I will tell you that the KFC Snacker was disappointing because of it’s size and performance.

The KFC Snacker is roughly the size and shape of a bar of soap, which is about half the size of other chicken sandwiches offered by other fast food joints. It comes with a sesame seed bun, some lettuce, mayonnaise, and a strip of chicken with the Colonial’s secret herbs and spices, all for 99 cents.

The $1 McChicken from McDonald’s isn’t as tasty as the KFC Snacker, but you definitely get more bang for the buck, since it is significantly bigger. I guess Colonial’s secret herbs and spices are getting rare or something.

Despite the typical delicious taste of those herbs and spices, I couldn’t get over the disappointment of how small it was and how it probably wouldn’t satisfy most people’s hunger.

I guess in the case of the KFC Snacker, size really does matter.

Item: KFC Snacker
Purchase Price: $0.99
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Typical Colonial secret herbs and spices. Tasty.
Cons: Too small in size, but cute.

REVIEW: Hot Pockets Chicken and Broccoli Pot Pie Express

Marvo 1 Comment

Hot Pockets Chicken and Broccoli Pot Pie Express

This review is a very emotional one for me, because it brings back a memory I’d like to have permanently erased. I have tried really hard to suppress this memory, but for you, my loyal five readers, I will relive it.

It was the summer of 1990. As I recall, it was an extremely hot summer season, with days filled with cloudless skies and parched pastures. Without school, the each day was one long recess spent with the other neighborhood kids. The beach is where we spent many days, bodysurfing in the two-foot waves and getting sunburnt because we forgot to reapply sunscreen. But it didn’t matter because we were young, innocent, and free.

Saved by the Bell was on the small screen; MC Hammer’s “U Can’t Touch This” was played across the radio waves; and Pepperoni Pizza Hot Pockets were the lunch of choice.

Oh those Pepperoni Pizza Hot Pockets, a delicious and hearty lunch I could eat outside, once I took it out of the microwave and let it cool down for a while. They were quite scrumptious, although I would soon find out how dangerous they could be to my wardrobe.

The one bad thing I discovered about those Hot Pockets was the possibility of the pepperoni pizza filling oozing out from the other end. The first time it happened to me was when I was wearing my green shiny, baggy MC Hammer pants. After taking a bite, a glob of cheese and pizza sauce fell onto my lap and onto my cherished dancing pants. I quickly reached for something to wipe the glob away, but there was nothing around and it was too late. The flimsy material was no match for the quick staining combo of cheese and pizza sauce.

I was devastated because I could no longer wave my hands in the air, bust a few moves and run my fingers through my hair, move slide my rump, or just for a minute do the bump. Nor could I break it down. From that moment on, I vowed never to eat another Hot Pocket again.

(Just give me a moment to collect myself)

So I had some trepidation when I purchased the Hot Pockets Chicken and Broccoli Pot Pie Express, but I couldn’t help myself because they looked so good and it had the word “New!” on the box in big, fancy letters.

Each box comes with two 5-inch pot pies, which were kind of small. It takes 2 minutes to warm up one in the microwave and 24 minutes in a conventional oven. I decided to try both ways.

To warm it up in the microwave, there’s a crisping sleeve that you stick the pot pie in. If I recall from the summer of 1990, they don’t do a good job of crisping anything. However, I guess crisping sleeve technology has improved over the past decade because it did a pretty good job on the chicken and broccoli pot pie. The crust was flaky and the filling was hot, although the parts that didn’t have direct contact with the crisping sleeve were a little soggy.

As for the conventional oven, which was a toaster oven, it did a great job of crisping every inch of the pot pie. The crust was noticeably flakier than the one from the microwave. Was it worth waiting twelve times longer than the microwave one? No.

Both of them tasted very good. The sauce mixed in with the chicken and broccoli was a nice cheese sauce, all of which stayed in the pot pie and stayed away from my favorite tight red leather pants.

Item: Hot Pockets Chicken and Broccoli Pot Pie Express
Purchase Price: $2.50 (on sale)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Damn good. Flaky crust. The filling stays where it should, so I won’t ever ruin another pair of shiny, baggy MC Hammer pants.
Cons: Kind of small. Microwave crisping sleeve doesn’t do a good job a crisping compared to a conventional oven or toaster-oven. A little expensive for just two pot pies.