Kellogg’s Tiger Power

Tiger Power

Tony the Tiger, why have you turned into such a pussy…cat?

Have you sold out? Have you been pressured by consumer groups who think your cereals are fattening children? Is someone trying to blackmail you with a sex tape of you with a hippopotamus? Or are they blackmailing you with a secret, like you’re actually a zebra with extensive plastic surgery?

Geez, it’s not like you’re the only cereal spokesperson who has secrets. For example, Toucan Sam is gay. Why do you think they call it Froot Loops? It’s definitely not because of the fruity flavors.

Then there’s the Trix Rabbit, who was a kinky, cross-dressing, role-playing prostitute, before he got the Trix gig. He could fulfill anyone’s fantasy…for the right price. Why do you think he’s so good with disguises?

Whatever it was, at least tell me why you have unleashed your “lightly sweetened” Tiger Power cereal upon the masses?

Fiber, calcium, and protein? Whatever happened to sugar, sugar, and sugar? It’s worked for you in the past. You’re the man…ur…zebra…ur…tiger that brought us such wonderful, sweet cereals as Tony’s Cinnamon Crunchers, Banana Frosted Flakes, Cocoa Frosted Flakes, and the original Frosted Flakes.

Okay, actually, Tony’s Cinnamon Crunchers sucked big time.

However, this Tiger Power sucked even more. It was so bland, it’s like you purposely wanted it to taste like fiber, calcium, and protein. Although it didn’t take away the title of World’s Worst Tasting Cereal from the Carb Well cereal I tried a few months ago.

Despite the bland taste, I was hoping I could somehow make the cereal edible. I didn’t want to give up on you and your Tiger Power cereal, as quickly as that 7:30 a.m. accounting class during my freshman year in college, because I owe you and Frosted Flakes a lot for providing me the energy in elementary school to survive until recess.

The first thing I tried to do to make Tiger Power edible was add sugar…lots of sugar. Unfortunately, I realized that it wasn’t working too well and I was probably killing my liver.

I then tried chocolate milk, which helped a lot with the taste, but in the end I still think Tiger Power sucks.

Oh, Tony the Tiger. You have claws, stripes, and, apparently, really big balls, because you had the courage to release a crappy cereal, which probably ruined your reputation as a Sugar Daddy.

I’m so disappointed in you.

(Editor’s Note: Our friends at The Message Whore also did a review of this cereal, go read their review here.)

Item: Kellogg’s Tiger Power
Purchase Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Rating: 1.5 out of 5
Pros: Fiber. Protein. Calcium.
Cons: Bland. Bland. Bland. I no longer believe in Tony the Tiger.

12 thoughts to “Kellogg’s Tiger Power”

  1. Good thing we agree!

    I am so tempted to toss this stuff out but I feel bad about wasting food I spent money on. But then again I was taught about the concept of a sunk cost in econ classes in college so I really should just be rid of it and move on to something better.

    Oh the turmoil I face!

  2. Well I need to find myself a new role model. I think Tony should go on a crappie VH1 show like the surreal life. And to think I was going to name my first born child after him. Now I will have to name him or her Marvo.

  3. Funny thing…when my son/daughter were little and living at home, I never allowed them to eat the “old” Frosted Flakes because of the high sugar content and the fact that I didn’t want to be scraping them off the walls before I booted them out of the house to catch the bus for school at 7:30AM. Now I wouldn’t let them eat THIS crap because it’s CRAP! Can you still buy the good old sugar loaded stuff or did they take it away from us when we weren’t looking? Now my kids 26/22 can eat anything they want for breakfast, but I do doubt they’ll pick this!

  4. Lord Jezo – Just get the strongest chocolate milk you can find (get the Hershey’s double chocolate) and pour it into a bowl of Tiger Power. It will make it taste better and less healthy.

    Matt – From personal experience, please don’t name your child Marvo, unless you want them to get teased for the rest of their lives. Marvo the Retardo. Marvo the Lardo. Marvo the Virgino.

    Aymie’s Mom – Yup, they still have the good ole’ Frosted Flakes (they also have a less sugar version), but I’d really like to have Banana Frosted Flakes back.

  5. What I think is funny is that the commercials for this stuff feature an Ostrich and a Giraffe– animals that I think would make grrrreat Tiger food.

  6. Wow, I knew about Toucan Sam but Trix The Rabbit!!!!!
    I will never look at my cereal the same way again.

    BTW I saw that cereal and knew just by looking at it that it would be nasty.
    I hate when cereal tastes like the box it came in……and yes I have tried my fair share of cereal boxes….lol

  7. Ian – As the box of Tiger Power says, “Gr-r-reat for Growth” for making kids plump and juicy.

    Damon – Yup, the Trix rabbit pulls some tricks. Oh, and don’t get me started on Snap, Crackle, and Pop.

  8. 1.5 out of 5?? WOW! it must be bad! the key word on the box is ‘whole grain’. I believe whole grain comes from the latin word ‘granous’ which means ‘cardboard’.

    I could be incorrect about this.

  9. Webmiztris – Sorry, the only Latin I know is “agricola,” which I think is Latin for farm, and I also whatever Latin is on money. Eh, I’ll just take your word for it.

  10. Anyone who wears nothing but a bandana around his/her neck is not to be trusted with breakfast cereal anyway. What is up with cereal cartoon characters and bandanas around the neck? I think 2 out of the 3 Snap Crackle and Pop wear them as well! But at least breakfast elves that serve us rice in the morning have the decency to wear other clothing too.

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