Hershey’s Kissables

As some of you may know from being long time readers of The Impulsive Buy, I am an awesome kisser.

But this wasn’t always the case.

I remember the first girl I ever kissed. It happened during my senior year in high school and I was seeing a girl who was a junior at a different high school than me. Her name was…

Oh, maybe it would be safe to NOT put her name here. She might deny it if she ever found out I wrote about it.

Anyway, we were lying face to face on the carpet of her family’s living room, just talking about typical high school things. Then she stopped talking and looked deeply into my eyes. I noticed her look, stopped talking, and then looked deeply into her eyes. She drew her face closer to mine and closed her eyes. My male carnal instincts knew that she wanted to kiss me, so I closed my eyes and drew my lips towards hers. As our lips touched…

What the hell!?! I sound like a trashy romance novel. Blech!

Anyway, we made out for ten minutes. She knew what she was doing, but I didn’t. So when we pulled our lips apart, I looked at her and she looked at me, then I looked at her mouth. You know the term “swapping spit”? Well we did that, but I took it a little too literally.

I either had really overactive saliva glands, thought her mouth was a spittoon, or I was a Pavlonian dog, because there was saliva running down her chin and a shimmering ring of saliva around AND above her lips.

Sadly, that extremely wet, sloppy kiss probably led to her decision to break up with me a week later.

However, after years of training with pillows, my fists, CPR dummies, numerous photos of either Winona Ryder, Angelina Jolie, or Lisa Loeb with their lips cut out, and bowls of Jello, I have become an expert kisser. A makeoutologist, if you will.

I now know when to kiss, how much pressure to use, when to use the tongue, when to gently bite her lower lip, when to kiss her on the chin, when to kiss her on the eyelids, when to stick my tongue in her ear, when to suck on her nose, and when to lick her eyebrows.

Don’t believe me? Just watch this video of me making out.

Despite dozens of photos with lips cut out and all my other efforts, I am apparently still not as kissable as the new Hershey’s Kissables, which are candy coated mini chocolate Hershey’s Kisses.

What do they have that I don’t have?

Multi-colored candy coatings?

Yeah, that’s great if I wanted to be in a Benetton ad, but I don’t.

Shaped like Hershey’s Kisses?

I hate to say this, but Hershey’s Kisses have always looked like steaming coils of dog poop.

Tasty chocolatey goodness?

If I had some chocolate pudding and rubbed it all over me, I could be tasty chocolatey goodness too.

Seriously, there’s nothing really special about Hershey’s Kissables, because they taste like M&M’s. However, tasting like M&M’s is a good thing, because I love them M&M’s.

If you hate M&M’s then you probably won’t like these, and you probably hate puppies and kitten too.

(Editor’s Note: Check out Cybele’s Candy Blog for another review. Go read TG’s take on Hershey’s Kissables. Finally, The Message Whore also reviewed them, but I can’t find the review due to his server crashing, but go show LordJezo some love.)

Item: Hershey’s Kissables
Purchase Price: 55 cents
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Tasty chocolatey goodness. Tastes like M&M’s. Colorful like a Benetton ad. I’m a makeoutologist.
Cons: My first kiss. Hershey’s Kisses look like coils of dog poop. I might have overactive saliva glands. My ability to write love scenes for trashy romance novels.

42 thoughts to “Hershey’s Kissables”

  1. Now, that looked like the alien from ‘Aliens’ coming to get me. Maybe it was a makeoutologist too. Just not covered in chocolate n shit.

  2. ummm…after that video, I’m a little disturbed. But I don’t think I’d break up with you. =)

  3. Holy shit Batman, I didn’t know that Benneton was STILL in existence…i thought they died off with the end of the 80s. I tried the Hershey’s Kissables…being from PA I have a loyalty with the Hershey’s company, and yes they were good, but then I discovered they taste like M&Ms…the next thought i had was, “damn I should have just bought the M&M’s…they have much more in a bag and aren’t as expensive as these kisses kind of like that kiss i bought from the male prostitue minus the threat of mouth herpes…i just got screwed.” …P.S. I still can’t believe that Benneton is still around.

  4. Eww….I think the description of your first kiss will be the new reason I cite for why I’m completely, utterly celibate (and not that I can’t find a decent guy to date in Jersey). I never want to lock lips with anyone ever again. *gag*

  5. Hey Marvo, I like M&Ms, but only the peanut variety. So I’ll probably give these a pass. From that video, I take it your camera looks REALLY hot…

  6. Weren’t you gonna review the Peanut Kisses? Those are yumtious, scrumptious. The ladies in one of the offices here keep a candy container for any passers-by to dip into. They had an assortment of 3 different kinds of Kisses in there. By day two, all of the peanut ones were gone! I would have dug through the whole jar to get to them, but alas, I was too late, someone else had already done that.

    Your description of your first kiss reminded me of my own. Everytime I ate sashimi after that, I would have a flashback that of boyfriend, and his lack of skills as a makeupologist. Thank god there was no nose-sucking or eyebrow licking involved.

  7. I was all set to tell you that you could lick my eyebrows anytime, and then I watched the video. Dude. I will have nightmares.

  8. That kissing video made me wet. Which ordinarily would be a good thing (or so they say); but this time, not so much. anyhoo, props back to the generous prop-sending marvo

  9. Crap. There’s saliva on my monitor and it’s dripped into the crevices and onto my keyboard.

  10. Sorry, I must respectfully disagree. Kissables don’t taste like M&Ms. Go eat some Kissables and then eat some M&Ms. The M&Ms lose a lot when they are forced to follow the Kissables. Kinda like Katie Holmes after Nicole Kidman.

  11. I like both M&Ms & Kissables – and will probably buy whichever is on sale.

    Here are a couple of other of things to add to the linkage:

    Go here and leave your thoughts on the naming of Kissables and you could win a year’s supply (I’m not sure if their idea of a years supply and my idea of a year’s supply are the same)

    CandyAddict also had an amazing post where he got 4th graders to write reviews

  12. Thumbs up for Lisa Loeb. Have you seen her new show on E!? I can’t imagine why she’s single, cause she is 100% adorable and cute.

  13. SEV – It also looked like a cow chewing up close.

    The other ‘M’ – You wouldn’t break up with me, as long as I have a paper bag on my head and a drool collector.

    catmz – Not pointy, more like nubby.

    golfwidow – I’d like to think of them as Kisses wearing Benetton clothing.

    Sugar – You shouldn’t ask me, you should ask my pillow or the camera I made out with.

    Pel – Erotic, yet disturbing, eh?

    Nicki – Yeah, I was surprised Benetton is still around too. I guess there are people out there who like bright colored clothing aimed at minorities.

  14. Mandy – Kissing is awesome. How could you not like kissing? I also love cuddling! Okay, I’m lying about the cuddling.

    Peggasus – I haven’t had Sixlets in a very long time. But like I said, if you love M&M’s, you’ll like Hershey’s Kissables. If you love Sixlets, they will probably be better to you.

    Chuck – What can I say? I am a sucker for sexy electronics. Like a good prostitute, they look good and are damn expensive.

    Amber LB – I FINALLY found a bag of the Peanut Butter Kisses yesterday at the national grocery store chain I shop at. It took me FOREVER to find them, but it was well worth it. Damn, they’re good, but they still look like coils of dog poop.

    Mir – Now that I think about it, the video sort of looks like a vampire sucking the blood out of a victim. Sorry about that.

    Ultimate Best Vamp Ever – I don’t know if my camera thought so.

    TG – The kissing video also make my camera wet, despite the plastic wrap I had over it. Damn my overactive saliva glands.

    Meredith – I got a bag of them yesterday and so far so good. Although I’m afraid that I might eat the whole bag in a couple of days.

    Gia on Guam – Sorry about that. Hope it didn’t short out your monitor. Just let it air dry for a couple of days.

    dramastically – Wait a minute, Nicole Kidman and Katie Holmes didn’t have much to begin with.

    cybele – I think my review reads like a fourth grader wrote it. 😉

    rfduck – Did you see Lisa Loeb in a thong on her new show on E!? You know what else is cute and adorable? Her album cover for Hello Lisa.

  15. Bought a bag of these today to try them out. They’re ok, the chocolate is a different taste than M&M”s, (I’ll note this is coming from a person to whom Coke=Pepsi,) so it’s more a matter of what’s on sale.

    I thought Lisa Loeb was with one of them Zappa boys? But if it’s not the case anymore, then that’s cool; it increases my chances with her from nil to diddilysquat.

  16. Sounds like your first kiss was more of a cadberry’s egg moment than a hershey’s kissable moment. Cute and tempting on the outside, then once you get into it, you get the juicy, syrupy, psuedo-yolk dripping down your chin….. when you are done indulging you get that sticky and guilty feeling…

  17. “photos of either Winona Ryder, Angelina Jolie, or Lisa Loeb with their lips cut out, and bowls of Jello,”


    Like ballroom dancing (in which I’m indulging), it’s hard to tell if you’re kissing well when there is no partner… I think.

  18. mmmm, those look good!

    can you believe I didn’t even know that product EXISTED?

    although I gotta tell ya – those little candies don’t look so kissable. false advertising!

  19. You need to review the PB kisses like I have been harrassing you to do. Come on man and give it up for a fan and just review one product I recommended. You would make me so happy!

  20. gko – Lisa Loeb is single. She’s seven years older than I am, but I dig older women.

    Lord Jezo – Yes! I saved a life! I feel like an EMT with those electro-shock paddle things.

    Jude – Ewww… Yup, I think that summed it up for me. Stickiness and guilt, which is also the same feeling I would have if I had a one night stand with a troll.

    wyn – Mmm…Dancing with the Stars. Anyway, ballroom dancing is like making out with a girl, in both instances I will probably be aroused and end up on the floor.

    Muneer – Hot diggity!

    kt – My camera probably thought it was steamy and that I needed a Tic Tac.

    Webmiztris – You know what they look like? Game pieces for a board game.

    Sasha_Kitty – I took shots of vodka mixed with some fuzzy vegetable/fruit juice. Isn’t that enough? 😉

  21. Why, WHY did I click on that link and saw your movie????

    You were like the creature from the Black Lagoon or something. I feel sorry for your video camera.

    And dude, was it just me, or were you sporting a mustache?

  22. I was sporting a beard…and gills. Cuz I have to breathe when I’m swimming in the Black Lagoon.

  23. I agree about Lisa Loeb. She’s a lil hottie and has quite a cute ass too. (Watch here show #1 Single) And that video of the kiss manuevers was funny as hell! I loved it and showed my sister. Good Times!

  24. junkfoodblog.com has an item about a new kissables FUDGE. (i’ll skip the agony of trying to provide a decent link.)

  25. Pamela – This might be strange, but the hottest part of her is her glasses.

    TG – Yeah, I read that. Hershey’s is crazy. They have candies that are Limited Edition, but the number of Limited Edition candies they’ve produced in the last year, don’t seem so limited.

  26. I first had those in Hershey Park, and I thought it was like an exclusive thing that you could only get there, and I felt so special, and then I came back to Long Island and found them in the CVS. I cried for a long, long, long time.

    I prefer Kissables to M&M’s because there is a difference- the shell seems thicker to me, and I like playing with them (the boardgame piece analogy is accurate).

    Your video reminded me of the first few times I made out with my boyfriend, but we’re still together two and a half years later. You need to find someone you can evolve with, I s’pose. I’m very, very glad we evolved.

  27. Tristyn – I guess the Kissables have to be thick-shelled (or skinned) to be able to handle the comparisons with M&M’s. That was a lame candy joke. 🙁

  28. Karen – Very nice because there was a lot darkness or very nice because you could see my breath. 🙁

  29. The video was terrfiyingly erotic. Like.. an undead Lisa Loeb…

    You’d think after a while they’d stop trying to scew with stuff like this. I mean, there were those Hershey Kisses Hugs (White chocolate, with regular milk chocolate…I believe inter-racial chocolate, would be the politically correct term..) Then those ones with caramel (which, ok I liked..) adn I think there was one other.. but uh.. I dunno. Really though, I can’t seem to stop thinking about Ego Cereal.. which may be the true source of the intrigued horror running through my veins at the moment.

Comments are closed.