REVIEW: Hello Kitty Meow-Berry Pop-Tarts

Hello Kitty is a whore!

Seriously, who would allow themselves to have their likeness on every possible conceivable product.

Some of you might say, “Hello Kitty doesn’t have a mouth, so she can’t say yes or no to what products she wants to endorse.”

My answer to that would be, “Well, Hello Kitty has a head, which she can use to nod for, “Yes, I really like the idea of a Hello Kitty sleeping bag,” or she can shake her in disagreement for, “No, I don’t want my face on a bowl of Hello Kitty dried ramen.”

Or if Hello Kitty REALLY didn’t want to have her likeness on something, she could throw her many bows at her agent or manager, which would instantly let that person know that, “NO! I don’t want my face to be on a Hello Kitty vibrator.”

But just like Kate Moss with cocaine, she just can’t say no, and that’s why I think Hello Kitty is a whore. Hello Kitty is like Martha Stewart, who has hundreds of products with her name on it. However, Hello Kitty is a hundred times worse. Martha doesn’t have a Martha Stewart MP3 player, but Hello Kitty does. Martha also doesn’t have a Martha Stewart rice cooker, but Hello Kitty does. Any Martha Stewart video games? No, but Hello Kitty has video games.

Anyway, I wrote a song about Hello Kitty’s whoreness called, “Hello Kitty is Everywhere.”

If your Hello Kitty alarm clock is annoyingly way too loud.
Put in a pair of Hello Kitty earplugs to drown out the sound.
If the earplugs don’t work, put a Hello Kitty pillow over your head.
Maybe next time you should use a Hello Kitty clock radio instead.

You can eat cereal with a Hello Kitty bowl and spoon.
While you wait for your Hello Kitty coffee maker, you watch cartoons.
Your Hello Kitty toaster has inside two slices of bread.
The butter is ready with a Hello Kitty knife to be spread.

Hello Kitty is everywhere,
Girls think it’s pretty, but boys don’t care.
Turning products pink and cute.
Girls think it’s sweet, but makes boys puke.

Watching Cartoon Network on your Hello Kitty TV/DVD combo set.
Using your Hello Kitty keyboard and mouse, while you surf the internet.
Looking for the Hilary Duff album in your 20-count Hello Kitty CD case.
You grab a Kleenex from your Hello Kitty tissue holder to wipe your face.

It’s hot, but you use your Hello Kitty electric fan to keep the heat away.
You have water with ice from your Hello Kitty shaped ice cube tray.
You call people on your Hello Kitty cell phone to find out what’s up.
Your throat is dry, so you take a drink from your Hello Kitty cup.

Hello Kitty is everywhere,
Girls think it’s pretty, but boys don’t care.
Turning products pink and cute.
Girls think it’s sweet, but makes boys puke.

You ate too much so you have to lift your Hello Kitty toilet lid.
Thank goodness you bought Hello Kitty toilet paper when you did.
Your Hello Kitty air freshener will keep things from smelling bad.
The soap from the Hello Kitty soap dispenser smells really rad.

You slip on your Hello Kitty socks, shorts, shirt, sandals, and thong.
Just incase it rains, your Hello Kitty umbrella should be taken along.
You put on your Hello Kitty sunglasses to protect yourself from UV rays.
The Hello Kitty glitter sunscreen you put on will do the same.

Hello Kitty is everywhere,
Girls think it’s pretty, but boys don’t care.
Turning products pink and cute.
Girls think it’s sweet, but makes boys puke.

It’s night time and you’re bowling and drinking Hello Kitty champagne.
Throwing gutterballs with your Hello Kitty bowling ball, you suck at this game.
By the end of the night, you’re throwing up in your Hello Kitty garbage can.
You pass out in the kitchen because you love the cold feeling of your Hello Kitty pan.

Hours later you’re in the shower behind a Hello Kitty shower curtain.
You dry yourself off with your Hello Kitty towel set, even though you’re hurtin’.
You jump into your Hello Kitty pajamas and under the Hello Kitty comforter on your bed.
Dreams of Hello Kitty circling around your soon-to-be hungover head.

(Editor’s Note: If you don’t believe that all these Hello Kitty items exist, go check out Dream Kitty and J-List.)

I personally wished that Hello Kitty threw some bows at someone when they were deciding to come out with these Hello Kitty Meow-Berry Pop-Tarts, because there’s nothing really special about them. They were good, but they were basically regular Wild Berry Pop-Tarts, except with pink frosting and girly-girly sprinkles on top, which come in the shapes of flowers, bows, and Hello Kitty heads.

But I guess the pink frosting and girly-girly sprinkles are enough for a little girl or extremely effeminate little boy to ask you to buy a box for them. They can’t resist the cute innocent face of Hello Kitty on the box and you’ll buy a box for them because probably deep down you can’t resist Hello Kitty’s innocent face too…Or you just don’t want to deal with your kids constant nagging.

Anyway, these Pop-Tarts were as sweet as Hello Kitty herself. But then again, all Pop-Tarts are as sweet as Hello Kitty.

Item: Hello Kitty Meow-Berry Pop-Tarts
Price: $3.99 (12-pack)
Purchased at: Don Quijote
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: As sweet as Hello Kitty. Hello Kitty’s cute innocent face. It’s a 12-pack. Your little girl or extremely effeminate little boy will love you if you buy them. Perfect if you like excessive amounts of pink.
Cons: Hello Kitty has no mouth. Hello Kitty is a whore, selling her likeness to anyone who will show her the money. Nothing really special, they taste like regular Wild Berry Pop-Tarts. Your little girl or extremely effeminate little boy will hate you if you don’t buy them.

39 thoughts to “REVIEW: Hello Kitty Meow-Berry Pop-Tarts”

  1. Good stuff, Marvo.

    Double Berry is the best Pop-Tarts flavor you haven’t reviewed yet – it’s some red berry and blueberry, if memory serves.

    I’ve been reading for almost a year now. You rock ass, in a non-buttsex way. (as far as I know, you sexy beast)

  2. Lovely song, Marvo.
    Half way through the review I realized I’m wearing a hello kitty product although it’s not visible, so I dont feel like a hello kitty product sell-out and that does not make me a whoremonger

  3. But do they sell Hello Kitty grown-up underwear for closet Hello Kitty addicts? A Hello Kitty thong review might be entertaining…

  4. My daughter took one look at these in the grocery store and stopped dead in her tracks. It was the day Hello Kitty forever crossed the line between appealing and crass.

    I think Hello Kitty and Martha Stewart should combine forces. They could dominate the world in a matter of months. But I suspect it’d be something like “Highlander”: there can be only one.

  5. hello kitty needs to die. when i think about it, hello kitty was everywhere in my school…bad memories.
    my very feminine korean friend had a lot of hello kitty stuff…as i look back on those times, i think he might have been a little confused whether he was male or female. but with that said. i laughed pretty hard at the song,

    hello kitty bowling balls…..sigh lol


  6. After being dragged into Sanrio one too many times, I guess I am in the camp of “too many hellokitty nonsense” products as well. Although… that Hello Kitty “ear-pick” on the J-List site looked interesting. I have a lot of Ear Wax.

  7. Maybe Hello Kitty is an attempt at subliminal world domination. We get used to seeing it everywhere and one day BAM! Sanrio rules the world and you must bow to Chococat statues………..

  8. Extremely masculine truck drivers also love eating Hello Kitty Pink Pop-Tarts.

  9. Another excellent review, Marvo. I’ve never been a fan of Hello Kitty. For me, she’s right up there with Lisa Frank, whoring her likeness for millions of pre-teen girls.

    Meow-Berry sounds like one of those warped hybrids from Mother Nature, like a strawloupe. 😉
    I’ll stick with regular Pop-Tarts. I’m not eating anything with “meow-berry” in the title.

  10. Love-love the song! I’m re-decorating the room of a little girl who has basically asked me to coat it with boy repellent–she loves Hello Kitty, too. I think I will sing the song for her and her brother as I finish painting this week.

    But I’m a grown-up girl myself, and I also think Hello Kitty’s cute. I even have the ultimate HK collectable–a little white bobtail cat who I have named Hello Kitty. However, that one has a mouth, and she used it to bite one of my guests. 🙂

  11. I bet you secretly love hello Kitty. You probably have a hello kitty vibrator. Common now, fess up ;)The person who invented this hello kitty stuff is a genius.. They must be making so much money…

  12. TEd – Bought the Double Berry Pop-Tarts awhile back, but never got around to reviewing them. It was good, but the only thing I could think of for a review was testicles. I don’t know why.

    skibs – A Hello Kitty bandaid? Hello Kitty navel ring?

    Chuck – For closet crossdressers? 😉

    Wednesday – With every Star Jones I cross the line between appealing and crass. Also, I’d totally pay to see Hello Kitty and Martha Stewart fight. That would make an awesome video game too.

    B-rad – Hello Kitty not only doesn’t have a mouth, she also doesn’t have fingers to put into the bowling ball holes.

    Webmiztris – The poop clumps will look so cute that you might not want to throw them away.

    Bryan – Don’t you feel like that every time you walk into a Sanrio store your masculinity gets sucked out of you.

    Barb – If Hello Kitty ruled the world, I would be like John Connor and lead the revolution.

  13. Bob the semi-trailer – I also pretty sure that really hungry men would eat Hello Kitty Pop-Tarts too. 😉

    Brie – I had to Wikipedia Lisa Frank, because I have no idea who she is. Now I am wiser and can impress little girls with my Lisa Frank knowledge. 🙂

    Lord Jezo – I think I\’m going to start calling women who don\’t give BJs, Hello Kitties.

    LadySpankington – Those are totally perfect for alcoholic Hello Kitty fans.

    Peachy – It\’s all right to like Hello Kitty, but do you REALLY REALLY REALLY like Hello Kitty. If you have a five foot Hello Kitty doll, you probably REALLY REALLY REALLY like Hello Kitty.

    klew – Nope, didn\’t make me puke. I have a strong stomach for cuteness after growing up with a twin sister who loved My Little Pony, Barbie, Care Bears, and Strawberry Shortcake.

    GreenEyedLilo – I think if Hello Kitty had a mouth, she would sound like Rosie Perez.

    Lucy – I\’m more of a Keroppi or Pochacco kind of guy.

    K – Meowhalo! Wait, that sucked! I\’m trying mash up \”meow\” and \”mahalo,\” but it didn\’t come out so well.

  14. Hey, did you know that Hello Kitty also has her own town? It’s true! It’s in Japan (near Tokyo) and she’s got a Disneyland-like themepark with a life-size Hello Kitty home with all her hello kitty furniture and they do hello kitty song and dances all day long….oh and apparantly she’s got herself a hello kitty boyfriend too!

  15. lauren – I’m not surprised by that. It’s proof once again that anything can be made into a bong and it also proves that Hello Kitty can make anything cute.

    Myori – Note to self: If I ever make it to Japan, do not make a wrong turn into Hello Kitty town. Or else my testicles will crawl up into me.

  16. i HATE hello kitty but damn these are the best tasting pop tarts i have ever had. but i get mad at myself while i eat them because i hate hello whore kitty and i hate pink. but not mad enought to not eat the hell out of em. daaaamn i want one now. nice review!!!

  17. Oh, I so need a Hello Kitty bong! Just to have and say casually “yeah, so, I’ve got this Hello Kitty bong”…. Okay, and I’m going to admit that I used to have a HUGE Hello Kitty thing, but I have since transferred my love to Chococat.

  18. laina – Just flip them over when you eat them so that the pink stuff is on the bottom…Hmm…That sentence sounded perverted.

    Melanie – Chococat has no mouth also. So if Hello Kitty and Chococat wanted to make out, they couldn’t. Just an observation.

  19. The song reminds me of my near 40 year old aunt in Hong Kong…she has everything Hello Kitty.

  20. One time I was walking down the street in Beverly Hills when I saw this BMW Z3 with the top down. I shit you not, but there was an ENORMOUS Hello Kitty doll on the passenger side- with a seatbelt strapped on. I had to turn around and take a better look.

    I stood there and thought about what kind of deranged idiot would do such a thing when, as if on cue, a very cute, young Asian woman dressed to the nines got into the car and drove away.

    Hello Kitty is bad, mmmkay?

  21. jinhamasaki – I think people in HK love HK more. They should rename Hong Kong to Hello Kitty.

    Toni – It would be messed up if the BMW Z3 was pink.

  22. When my daughter was 2, she called her “Ho Kitty”. We thought it was because she couldn’t pronounce “Hello”, but apparently she was just very perceptive.

  23. Anna – If your daughter sees Paris and calls her “Ho Hilton,” I predict that she will either write for the National Enquirer, work for E!, or host Entertainment Tonight.

  24. So, I was in World Market yesterday and what did I see but freakin’ “Hello Kitty dried apple bits”. WTF?? DEATH TO THE KITTY!!!!

  25. Hello Kitty is a whore. However, that cute l’il Badtz-Maru isn’t. I have him tattooed on my right bicep.

  26. Domokun – I wish someone would come out with a Hello Kitty game that allows us to fight Sanrio characters against each other, like Super Smash Brothers.

  27. Oh, they kinda did that on the PS1, but it was more like a Let’s Irritate Hello, Kitty game. Tou played as Hello, Kitty moving blocks around while Bad Badtz-Maru, his Panda girlfriend, and best Seal Buddy pushed ’em back. Real fun.

  28. Domokun – I would like to have a game that lets Hello Kitty throw bows like ninja throwing stars.

  29. Don’t know if this is real or fake, but if it is real, it’s totally crazy. Do you think Hello Kitty is a thin guise for a sort of weird Japanse “Big Brother”?

  30. Pocheco – A Hello Kitty tooth? All that person needs now is Hello Kitty grillz.

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