Month: July 2006

Coppertone Kids Continuous Spray Sunscreen

Marvo 21 Comments

On occasion, I like to help the MILFs and the DILFs of the world.

For those of you who don’t know, DILFs are Daddies I‘d Like to help with Fatherhood, while MILFs are still hot, sexy MILFs.

MILFs and DILFs are inundated with products specifically made for kids. When I walk down the aisles in the personal care section of a store, I see many products for kids, while looking for things to review, giving deodorant scent recommendations to people who didn’t ask, wishing the hip-hop trio A Tribe Called Quest would come out with a new album every time I see Q-Tips, and trying to determine the pros and cons of pads and tampons.

There’s shampoo for kids, toothpaste for kids, body wash for kids, vitamins for kids, aspirin for kids, echinacea for kids, and shaving razors for really hairy kids. Because there are so many kid-specific products, I want to help the MILFs and DILFs sift though these products.

Recently, I was given a few cans of Coppertone Kids Continuous Spray sunscreen from Robert, who some of you know as, “Robert the Condom Guy.” I think he probably sent me the sunscreen because he didn’t want to be known as “Robert the Condom Guy.”

Anyway, I don’t have kids of my own — unless someone knows something that I don’t — so I couldn’t try out the Coppertone Kids Continuous Spray on a kid. So being the natural guinea pig that I am, except hairier, I tried this product for a couple of weeks on myself during afternoon jogging sessions, which help me keep my slightly overweight girlish figure.

The main draw of this product is the fact that it’s a spray-on sunscreen, which allows easy application of sunscreen on kids, without the feeling of appearing child molester-ish, which some folks get with regular rub-on sunscreen.

Application of the clear Coppertone Kids Continuous Spray sunscreen on my arms, legs and neck was quick and easy, and it dried within seconds. Although applying it to my face wasn’t so easy. The directions on the can say to spray it in my hands to apply to my face, but when I followed those directions, the alcohol fumes from it made me gag, much like I do when I’m watching the scene in the movie Exit to Eden when Rosie O’Donnell is dressed up in S&M gear.

I expected the Coppertone Kids Continuous Spray sunscreen to have a fruity scent, like most kid-specific products, but instead it smelled like any other sunscreen. Thank goodness it had a typical sunscreen scent, because I wouldn’t feel very masculine during my afternoon jogging sessions if I smelled like “wild watermelon” or “cherry blast.”

The sunscreen seemed to have provided great sun protection since I didn’t feel any sunburn afterwards and it also seemed to produce lasting protection despite my sweating like a pig during my one hour jogging sessions.

So while the Coppertone Kids Continuous Spray sunscreen is made for 8-year-olds, it’s strong enough for MILFs and DILFs as well.

Item: Coppertone Kids Continuous Spray Sunscreen
Price: FREE
Purchased at: Given by Robert the Condom Guy
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Quick and easy to apply. Waterproof. UVA/UVB Protection. Goes on clear, so there’s no white crap. Not as greasy as rub-on sunscreen. Spray on is perfect if you don’t want to look like a child molester or NAMBLA member. No kiddie scent, which makes it possible for adults to use without smelling like kiddies. No CFCs. Robert the Condom Guy.
Cons: Application of it on face. Not wearing sunscreen when outdoors. Looking like a child molester. Rosie in S&M gear.

REVIEW: Burger King Quad Stacker

Marvo 45 Comments

Burger King Quad Stacker

One of the goals in my life is to be a speaker at a high school graduation. I don’t know how I’m going to do it or why anyone would invite me to speak, but I want it to happen. So in preparation of this goal, I wrote the speech I would present to some graduating class, and I’d like to share it with all of you.

I’d like to thank the graduating seniors for inviting me today. I’m honored to be here at some high school that I didn’t attend, but rest assured if I did go to this school, I would be the one all of you would ignore, beat up, or steal lunch money from.

Students from the Class of (Insert Class Year Here), I’m here to talk to you about goals. It’s something you probably have on your mind as most of you make your way to college or into the work force. Hopefully, my words here today will inspire, but if not that, I hope that you get a good nap from it, much like I did while attempting to listen to the guest speaker at my high school graduation.

I believe there are pillows under your chairs. You may take them out now. Remember, no drooling on the shoulder of the person next to you.

Remember when you were little and people asked what you wanted to be when you grow up. You all probably said occupations like police officer, doctor, lawyer, fireman, astronaut, and pizza delivery guy. But if you think about it, you were kind of forced to say these things because you didn’t really know of any other occupations out there, like data entry clerk, account executive, financial planner, or whatever people do on the TV show America’s Got Talent. Sure you also could’ve said teacher, but even at a young age, you all knew that teachers are overworked and underpaid.

Now that you’re older and wiser, most of you realize how crazy it was to consider being any of those things. Becoming a doctor or lawyer means more years of school and large college loans. Becoming a police officer isn’t as fun as any of the Police Academy movies. Finally, becoming a pizza delivery guy isn’t as glamorous as what was shown on your friend’s videotape, which he stole from his dad’s hidden video collection.

However, there are some of you who aspire to do things that are greater than what you are capable of. One of you probably wants to become a neurosurgeon, but unfortunately lack the hand dexterity and steadiness needed for the job, which was probably lost after taking too many spills on your Rollerblades without wrist guards. Another one of you may have dreams of become a Broadway dancer, but lack the rhythm, flexibility, stage presence, and high leg kick to do so.

Since you lack the skills necessary to do those things, you probably think that hard work and perseverance may help you reach your goals, but as someone older than you and someone who has gained some sort of success, since I’m speaking in front of you today, I’m here to tell you that you should really just settle for something else.

Don’t feel sad about settling, there is absolutely no shame in doing so…Unless your parents live vicariously through you, then you’ll probably feel guilt for the rest of your life. But you shouldn’t think of settling as giving up, you should think of it as Plan B.

For that person who wants to be a neurosurgeon, settle for being a psychologist instead. You still get to cut open the heads of patients, except instead of saws and scalpels, you will use phrases like “How does that make you feel?” and “What do the voices in your head say?” to look inside peoples’ heads.

As for the Broadway dancer wannabe, I’d suggest you settle for becoming a stripper. You still get to dance, the pay is usually better, and I believe you can write off breast implants as a tax deduction.

Personally, I’ve had to settle for many things. For example, I wanted a Lexus, but had to settle for a Toyota Corolla, due to not being able to pay the $800 monthly loan payments. I’ve also wanted to date Winona Ryder, but instead had to settle for ANY woman who wouldn’t say “no” to me, but I wasn’t successful with that either, so I just settled for ANYTHING with legs.

I’ve also had to settle for a Burger King Quad Stacker instead of a Hardee’s Monster Thickburger.

Instead of the 1,410 calories, 107 grams of fat, 45 grams of saturated fat, 229 milligrams of cholesterol, and 2,740 milligrams of sodium from the Hardee’s Monster Thickburger, I had to settle for the 1,000 calories, 68 grams of fat, 30 grams of saturated fat, 240 milligrams of cholesterol, and 1,800 milligrams of sodium in the Burger King Quad Stacker.

It totally feels like wanting the homecoming queen, but instead ending up with one of the other members of the homecoming court. It may seem like I totally regret settling for the Burger King Quad Stacker, but let me tell you, I am content with my decision.

Sure the Burger King Quad Stacker’s four beef patties, four slices of American cheese, eight strips of bacon, BK Stacker Sauce, and sesame seed bun may not seem heavy at 311 grams, compared with the 413-gram Hardee’s Monster Thickburger, but as all women know, size doesn’t matter.

I believe I made the right decision in settling for the Burger King Quad Stacker.

Sure there’s really nothing special about its taste, because it tastes like any other bacon cheeseburger out there, but sometimes it’s not the taste that really matters, it’s the fact that there are four beef patties, four slices of American cheese, and EIGHT strips of bacon.

So I hope I’ve made you all realize that settling is okay. Just as long as you don’t look back and think “What if?”

Thank you.

Item: Burger King Quad Stacker
Price: $4.49 (sandwich only)
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Settling. It tastes like any old bacon cheeseburger, except four times bigger. Perfect if you HATE veggies, LOVE meat, or enjoy a little bread. Lots of protein (62 grams). My dream of speaking at a high school graduation. Anything with legs.
Cons: A tall sandwich, but not wide. It’s not a Hardee’s Monster Thickburger, but that’s okay and I’m content with settling for the Burger King Quad Stacker. Being a police officer is nothing like the Police Academy movies.

A Seinfeld Dilemma!!! Cereal Review Election!!!

Marvo 108 Comments

For those who don’t know, comedian Jerry Seinfeld is a big cereal fan. Every morning, I imagine he gets out of his bed made of money, goes down to his gold plated kitchen, and has to decide which cereal he will eat among the dozens of choices he has in his pantry. I also imagine the cereal is served on a silver platter by his butler in a stainless steel bowl and accompanied with a silver spoon and someone who reads the New York Times to him.

Being a cereal junkie myself, I sometimes feel like Jerry Seinfeld in the morning, except without the bed make of money, gold plated kitchen, silver platter, butler, stainless steel bowl, silver spoon, and someone who will read the New York Times to me. However, I do have about a dozen cereals to choose from in my pantry, and recently I added five brand new cereals from Kellogg’s.

So with this plethora of new cereals, I thought it’s a good time to have a good ol’ fashioned product election, which allows you, the readers, to vote for the product The Impulsive Buy will review next.

In this product election, you’ll be able to choose from five new cereals from Kellogg’s:

1. Kellogg’s Caramel Nut Crunch

2. Kellogg’s Mini Swirlz Peanut Butter

3. Kellogg’s Eggo Cereal Cinnamon Toast

4. Kellogg’s Berry Krispies

5. Kellogg’s Organic Raisin Bran

The cereal with the most votes will be declared the winner. The winner will be eaten and reviewed, while the other candidates will just be eaten.

To vote, leave a comment with this post with your choice. Only one choice and vote per person.

I’ll be accepting votes until Friday, July 14th. Shortly after the 14th, I’ll post the review of the winning cereal.

Now go vote like you’re a senator voting for net neutrality.

REVIEW: Grapple

Marvo 35 Comments

MARVO: Today, I’m here with Mother Nature to discuss the Grapple, which is an apple that tastes like a grape. So Mother Nature, what do you think of this Grapple?

MOTHER NATURE: First off, are you pronouncing it right? Shouldn’t it be “gr-apple,” like I grappled you to the ground and beat your little punk ass.

MARVO: Well on the packaging, it’s printed as “gra-pple,” like you’re saying the words “gray” and “pull.”

MOTHER NATURE: Whatever, little man. Let me just say that I don’t believe in these man-made hybrid fruits. It’s kind of fucked up if you ask me, because it’s not the way mother fuckin’ Mother Nature intended it. So how do they make these mother fuckin’ Grapples?

MARVO: Well they take a Fuji apple and soak it in a Concord grape concentrate. The process doesn’t add any extra calories or sugars to the apple and it doesn’t alter the texture of it either. With the Grapples I’ve tried, they have a strong Welch’s grape juice kind of smell, but unfortunately it doesn’t have a grape taste that is as equally as strong. Despite that, they are pretty good. Pretty impressive, eh?

MOTHER NATURE: Should I be impressed with the fact that someone created a mother fuckin’ apple that tastes like a mother fuckin’ grape? Come on, I’m mother fuckin’ Mother Nature, bitch. I don’t need to soak an apple in grape concentrate to make a Grapple, all I have to do is just snap my fingers to make one. Want a Grapple?

MARVO: Um, sure. So snapping your fingers is all you need to do?

MOTHER NATURE: Damn straight, because I’m mother fuckin’ Mother Nature. Ya heard.

(Mother Nature snaps her fingers and a Grapple appears)

MOTHER NATURE: Booyah! There’s a mother fuckin’ Grapple for yo’ ass! Did I just blow your mind, like I’m mother fuckin’ Mindfreak, yo! You humans are crazy, using genetic engineering and cross-pollination to form new “species,” but all I have to do is just snap my fingers, like I’m in a doo-wop group. Because why?

MARVO: Um, because you’re mother fuckin’ Mother Nature?

MOTHER NATURE: That’s right, little man. You want a strawloupe?

MARVO: What’s a strawloupe and what’s doo-wop?

(Mother Nature snaps her fingers and a strawloupe appears)

MOTHER NATURE: A strawloupe! A strawberry that tastes like a cantaloupe, bitch. Try it or else I’ll make lightning strike yo’ ass.

(Marvo tries the strawloupe)

MARVO: Hey! This is pretty good, Mother Nature.

MOTHER NATURE: Damn right it’s good, because I’m mother fuckin’ Mother Nature. You better recognize. It’s the way that Mother Nature intended it, bitch. How about a pearch? It’s a peach that tastes like a pear. Or a mangorange? It’s a orange that tastes like a mango. Or how about a banagerine? It’s a tangerine that tastes like a banana. I can do this all mother fuckin’ day, yo!

MARVO: Um, this is all fine and dandy, but can I get a few more Grapples, because they’re kind of expensive at five bucks for a four-pack.

MOTHER NATURE: Five bucks for four? Damn, that’s expensive. Thank goodness I’m mother fuckin’ Mother Nature and I can make Grapples with a snap of my fingers, because I couldn’t afford this shit on a regular basis. My name ain’t Bill Gates.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Impulsive Buy reader Derrick for letting me know about Grapples. Now I must find his other suggestion, the Turducken.)

Item: Grapple
Price: $4.99 (4-pack)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Pretty good. It’s a frickin’ apple that tastes like a grape. Totally smells like Welch’s grape juice. NOT genetically engineered. Mother Nature’s power to make new fruits and to strike my ass with lightning.
Cons: Grape taste is not as strong as its grape smell. Kind of expensive for just four apples. Mother Nature’s dropping of excessive F-bombs. Pissing off Mother Nature. Trying to pronounce Grapple. Mother Nature’s reference to doo-wop. Mother Nature is a bitch.

New Look. Old K-Fed Jokes.

Marvo 25 Comments

Updated 1:55 pm (Sunday) – Emailed the developer of the theme and we tried a couple of things, but couldn’t get it to work. So I switched back to the old theme, until something can be figured out. Oh yeah, Contact Form emails are being delivered again, so you can feel free to tell me how much I suck.

Updated 12:59 am (Sunday) – Still haven’t figured it out. I’ve been tweaking things all f’n day. All I need to do is figure out why I’m not getting emails to let me know someone has commented, why I’m not getting emails with the Contact Form, and why my frickin’ sidebar drop to the bottom on some posts. Maybe I need a different theme. Anyway, emailed the developer of the theme. Hopefully, he gets back to me.

Updated 11:58 pm – For some reason post with tall images will force the sidebar to the bottom of the page. I think it’s a CSS problem, but I’ve been messing with the CSS for about two hours and haven’t figured it out. Right now, I am TIB’s bitch.

Updated 3:34 pm – Emailing reviews is now available in pop-up form, because I couldn’t get it to work in the original way. Just like the efforts women go through to look prettier, the efforts I’m going through to make TIB prettier are time-consuming, except without the complications of trying to keep fake eyelashes on.

Updated 1:40 pm – I think my RSS feeds are working again.

Updated 1:22 pm – Um, my RSS feeds aren’t working ever since I tried using Feedburner. I think it’s because my permalinks are screwed up. Right now, almost everything looks good in Firefox and Safari, except that damn “Email Review” page. The contact page still doesn’t work. Also, if you’re running IE6 or IE7, please let me know if anything doesn’t look right.

Hi there. As you can see, the look of The Impulsive Buy has changed. If not, clear your browser’s cache. Anyway, there are numerous things that don’t work here, like the ability to email reviews and contacting me.

If there are other things that don’t look right or are broken, please let me know by posting a comment. Hopefully, I can solve all the problems over the weekend.