Go Girl Energy Drink

Wassup, bitch!

I heard from my sister’s hairstylist’s mother’s babysitter’s gynecologist’s grandma that you were talking shit about me, little Ms. Tab Energy.

Oh, don’t be actin’ like you don’t know, cuz I know you know.

She said that you said I look like RuPaul. Well let me tell you that RuPaul is way better looking than you will ever be and he’s a dude. You’re just jealous that I got the body of a tall supermodel and a mind like Clair Huxtable’s, while you’ve got the body of Barbara Walters and a mind like pornstar Blair Fuxtable’s.

Psss…Don’t be tryin’ to play dumb with me, bitch.

I also heard from my girlfriend’s lawyer’s proctologist’s ex-brother-in-law that you also called me a fake plastic Barbie doll. Whatever, bitch!

You should look in the mirror sometime, because back in the day you looked way different, Ms. Tab Energy. You were short, chubby, and looked like a pink makeup Caboodle.

But look at you now at 40 years old, trying to look twenty years younger with pink, caffeine, plastic surgery, and liposuction. I don’t know if you’re in some kind of competition with Michael Jackson, but you’ve had so much plastic surgery that your body is now considered recyclable. Also, you can get all the plastic surgery and liposuction you want, but those stripes on you make you look fat.

Why you gotta hate, bitch? Just because I’m taller than you, taste better than you, and have more caffeine than you doesn’t mean you gotta be talking behind my back.

I got less than three calories, while you have five calories. I have 1,200 milligrams of taurine, while you have 785 milligrams. I have 150 milligrams of caffeine, while you have 95 milligrams. I have 150% of the daily allowance for niacin, while you only have 25%. I have 120% of the daily allowance for Vitamin B12, and you have a measly 15%. I also should mention the fact that I have 375% of the daily allowance for Vitamin B6, and all you got is 25%. I’ve got enough energy to make anyone as perky as Rachael Ray or Pam Anderson’s nipples on a breezy winter day.

I also have a mild herbal appetite suppressant, so howyoulikemenow, bitch?

What? You got nothin’ to say now? Cat got your tab? Well, I ain’t done with your striped ass yet.

I’m taller than you and have more energy than you, but I’m most proud of the fact that my berry tastes better than yours. I have a good berry flavor and that’s without sugar. Once people get a taste my berry, they ain’t going to want yours no more, Ms. Tab Energy.

So I better not hear from my plumber’s daughter’s lesbian lover’s nanny’s former classmate that you were talking shit about me, because I’ll go Jerry Springer Show on you, bitch!

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to long-time TIB reader Chuck, who informed me about Go Girl Energy Drink. For more Go Girl Energy Drink reviews, visit Screaming Energy and Energy Drink Reviews.)

Item: Go Girl Energy Drink
Price: $2.50 (12-ounce)
Purchased at: A Chevron gas station between Tahoe and Sacramento
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman. Good berry flavor. Sugar free. 150 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine. Lots of B vitamins. Very low calorie. Portion of the proceeds donated to breast cancer research.
Cons: Hard to find. Talking shit about Go Girl Energy Drink. Going Jerry Springer Show on someone. Having the body of Barbara Walters and the mind of pornstar Blair Fuxtable.

28 thoughts to “Go Girl Energy Drink”

  1. I could use some beautiful energy, but I don’t think I’m ready for 275% of the RDA of sassiness.

  2. I thought about trying this, but instead I went and bought a funnel cake. That’s what being a man is all about.

  3. You go girl. That Tab Energy is such a skanky ho. I never liked the looks she was throwing over there.

  4. My word, I can’t believe you referenced Caboodles. My mom and I had one each! Mine was a lavander, while hers was peach.

  5. I almost got one of these, but my friend kicked me in balls for thinking about purchasing it. But damn! 150 milligrams of caffeine! Now I have to get it, no matter how gay I’m going to look! But then again I am blasting gay techno right now…so I guess I’m a little more than half way there. It’s still better than Rumba!!!

  6. Can’t drink the pink. Love the review. Also love the word “nipples”! Wish I could see Blair Fuxtable…

  7. Holy crap. That was funny. BUT…I thought it was more of a berry flavor. It totally rocks…and I hate anything cherry. Cherry is for cough syrup. Ugh. But, I loves me some GoGirl…

    Having said that? I scored a 24 pack of ZipFizz at Costco for $28…do the math. Waaaay cheaper, yes?

    30 calories, yes. BUT. Vitamin B12? 41667% of the RDA. NOT a typo. Also some other cool stuff, like Chromium, Potassium and Zinc. About the same amount of caffeine. NO sugar. TASTES AWESOME!

    I keep it in the fridge, and add it to my water bottle…but I have also seen it in some convenience stores for about $2.99.

  8. Marvo, did you just get allllll up in Tab’s business?! Oh no he DID-DENTTTT. Oh SNAP.

  9. Elecid – Oh yes I did.

    Lord Jezo – No, I’m a manly, manly Marvo.

    Chuck – Unfortunately, it doesn’t. PMS also. Shopping also.

    Domokun – Princess Quite-a-Lotta? Is that a stab at my wide ass.

    Webmiztris – Still?

    Wednesday – 275% is only a RECOMMENDED daily allowance. I’m sure 200% is fine.

    Danette – Gracias!

    miss petite america – But will you?

    Angel H. – Or will you burn me with your curling iron?

    Single Ma – Thanks. Me likey drinky drinky.

  10. Sep – I think wrapping your mouth around a foot long hot dog with the works is much more manly. Or sinking one’s teeth into a piece of meat is also very manly.

    Clevegal42 – She’s a total beeyatch!

    Kaonashi – No. The pink one was like totally the coolest. Oh my God!

    Felicia – …and for those on diets.

    JOSH!!! – Just one thing will help you my friend: Brown paper bag.

    Erika – One word…liketotallyawesome!

    Perkins – I don’t love the word “nipples,” I just nipples period.

    C~ – I drank the second one I had, and yeah, is does have more a berry flavor. The ZipFizz sounds interesting though.

    Noelle – Oh yeah, I did. And I’ll do it again if that bitch messes with me again.

    stephanie – It’s cuter in person.

  11. oh em gee.. 375% of the DV for vitamin B6?! is that even possible? hmm and “only” 150 mgs of caffeine? dammit i think they could have done better.. 😛 since everything else seems to be in excess~~

  12. Tamara – I hope they don’t put more than 150 mg of caffeine. Imagine Paris Hilton drinking 300 mg of caffeine. She could make five celebrity sex tapes in one day, and no one wants that.

    Brady Teeters – Yes, if you like pink or caffeine.

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