I heard from my sister’s hairstylist’s mother’s babysitter’s gynecologist’s grandma that you were talking shit about me, little Ms. Tab Energy.
Oh, don’t be actin’ like you don’t know, cuz I know you know.
She said that you said I look like RuPaul. Well let me tell you that RuPaul is way better looking than you will ever be and he’s a dude. You’re just jealous that I got the body of a tall supermodel and a mind like Clair Huxtable’s, while you’ve got the body of Barbara Walters and a mind like pornstar Blair Fuxtable’s.
Psss…Don’t be tryin’ to play dumb with me, bitch.
I also heard from my girlfriend’s lawyer’s proctologist’s ex-brother-in-law that you also called me a fake plastic Barbie doll. Whatever, bitch!
You should look in the mirror sometime, because back in the day you looked way different, Ms. Tab Energy. You were short, chubby, and looked like a pink makeup Caboodle.
But look at you now at 40 years old, trying to look twenty years younger with pink, caffeine, plastic surgery, and liposuction. I don’t know if you’re in some kind of competition with Michael Jackson, but you’ve had so much plastic surgery that your body is now considered recyclable. Also, you can get all the plastic surgery and liposuction you want, but those stripes on you make you look fat.
Why you gotta hate, bitch? Just because I’m taller than you, taste better than you, and have more caffeine than you doesn’t mean you gotta be talking behind my back.
I got less than three calories, while you have five calories. I have 1,200 milligrams of taurine, while you have 785 milligrams. I have 150 milligrams of caffeine, while you have 95 milligrams. I have 150% of the daily allowance for niacin, while you only have 25%. I have 120% of the daily allowance for Vitamin B12, and you have a measly 15%. I also should mention the fact that I have 375% of the daily allowance for Vitamin B6, and all you got is 25%. I’ve got enough energy to make anyone as perky as Rachael Ray or Pam Anderson’s nipples on a breezy winter day.
I also have a mild herbal appetite suppressant, so howyoulikemenow, bitch?
What? You got nothin’ to say now? Cat got your tab? Well, I ain’t done with your striped ass yet.
I’m taller than you and have more energy than you, but I’m most proud of the fact that my berry tastes better than yours. I have a good berry flavor and that’s without sugar. Once people get a taste my berry, they ain’t going to want yours no more, Ms. Tab Energy.
So I better not hear from my plumber’s daughter’s lesbian lover’s nanny’s former classmate that you were talking shit about me, because I’ll go Jerry Springer Show on you, bitch!
Item: Go Girl Energy Drink
Price: $2.50 (12-ounce)
Purchased at: A Chevron gas station between Tahoe and Sacramento
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman. Good berry flavor. Sugar free. 150 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine. Lots of B vitamins. Very low calorie. Portion of the proceeds donated to breast cancer research.
Cons: Hard to find. Talking shit about Go Girl Energy Drink. Going Jerry Springer Show on someone. Having the body of Barbara Walters and the mind of pornstar Blair Fuxtable.