REVIEW: Panda Express Kobari Beef

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Panda Express Kobari Beef

In the Korean language, I’m pretty sure kobari is a swear word.

Okay, I’m not 100 percent sure. It could just be a completely made up name Panda Express wordsmithed to give to their new Korean Kobari Beef. I’m not Korean, nor do I have a Korean translator handy to ask, but kobari really does sound more like Korean profanity than a Korean dish. According to the internet, which I trust when diagnosing rashes on my body, the words jiral, shibal, poji, gaeseki, kochu and byungsin are all real Korean obscenities.

Don’t you think kobari would fit nicely in that list?

Actually, I have to admit, if those swear words were on a Korean barbeque menu, they would all sound delicious. I would especially want to put some kochu in my mouth to go with a bibimbap. As for kobari, I still think it sounds like a swear word.

And if it’s not, I think we should all start using it like one. But I’m not sure what it should mean because after doing Korean profanity research, they appear to have words for all the common swear words that English speakers have. So it’s going to have to be an uncommon English swear word.

Personally, I think it should mean taint licker, i.e. a level above brown nosing.

For example: Man, Bob wants that raise so badly that he’s being a total kobari!

Well, until kobari is added to Urban Dictionary, I guess for now it will be the name of Panda Express’ Kobari Beef, which is made up of thin slices of marinated beef with wok-seared bell peppers, mushrooms, onions and leeks and tossed with a sweet, smoky and spicy Kobari sauce.

While the previous sentence makes Kobari Beef sound delicious, I have to say that it’s quite possibly the most boring and blandish non-starch item I’ve ever eaten at Panda Express. I don’t have a beef with most of the ingredients, but I think the Kobari sauce is the cause of this dish’s lack of flavor. While it’s sweet, smoky and spicy, it’s also not a very strong sauce. It’s what makes Kobari Beef The English Patient of Panda Express dishes, and I’m surprised I didn’t fall asleep while eating it.

When I heard Panda Express was doing a Korean dish, it seems a bit odd to me because if you ask some people, they’ll say Panda Express doesn’t even do Chinese very well. But I’m a Panda Express fan and there is a very short list of their dishes that I won’t eat, most of which include shrimp, which I am allergic to. However, that list got a little longer because of Kobari Beef.

While I may not enjoy it, others probably will and if Kobari Beef becomes successful, it could encourage Panda Express to create menu items from other Asian cuisines and give them names that sound like profanity from their respective languages.

(Nutrition Facts – 5.3 ounces – 210 calories, 60 calories from fat, 7 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 840 milligrams of sodium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 10 grams of sugar and 15 grams of protein.)

Item: Panda Express Kobari Beef
Price: $6.50 (2 choice plate)
Size: 5.3 ounces
Purchased at: Panda Express
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Uses leeks. Wide variety of vegetables used. Other Panda Express choices. Decent calorie count. Good source of protein. Knowing how to swear in other languages. Putting some kochu in my mouth.
Cons: The English Patient of Panda Express dishes. Boring and bland. Weak sauce. Not having a Korean translator handy. Awesome source of sodium. Kobari sounds like a Korean swear word.

REVIEW: Limited Edition Frosted Pumpkin Pie Pop-Tarts

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Limited Edition Frosted Pumpkin Pie Pop-Tarts

The Limited Edition Frosted Pumpkin Pie Pop-Tarts are one of the few Pop-Tarts flavors that make sense, unlike any Pop-Tarts flavor that include the words “creme” or “milkshake.”

The Pop-Tarts’ crust represents the crust of the pie. The orange pumpkin filling represents the pumpkin in the pie. The white frosting represents the whipped cream dollop on top of the pie. And the fall-colored sprinkles represent excessive Thanksgiving feasting. Because just like getting up for a third helping of turkey and gravy, they’re completely unnecessary and probably aren’t good for you.

Seriously, I’ve never seen anyone put sprinkles on a pumpkin pie’s whipped cream dollop. Sprinkles over the frosting on top of a cupcake…yes. Sprinkles on top of a banana split…yes. Sprinkles dumped into my mouth so I can spit out rainbows…yes. Sprinkles to represent clown pubic hair stubble on a whipped cream bikini bottom…yes. But never on top of whipped cream on a pumpkin pie.

Limited Edition Frosted Pumpkin Pie Pop-Tarts Innards

Despite the use of sprinkles, Kellogg’s was able to produce a Pop-Tarts filling that tastes like pumpkin pie, thanks to the use of pumpkin, cinnamon, high fructose corn syrup and, possibly, Black Magic. To be honest, it’s really scary they were able to do so, since most Pop-Tarts don’t really taste like the flavor they’re attempting to emulate.

But I guess that’s just the power of Black Magic.

Because of its familiar pumpkin pie flavor, I have to say I enjoyed the Limited Edition Frosted Pumpkin Pie Pop-Tarts, and they’re definitely somewhere on my Top 10 List of Favorite Pop-Tarts Flavors. It’s too bad they’re a limited edition, but I hope they bring them back next Fall — without the unnecessary sprinkles.

But if you do happen to get your hands on a box or two of the Limited Edition Frosted Pumpkin Pie Pop-Tarts, might I suggest sharing them with friends, just like the Pilgrims and Wampanoag Indians shared fowl, beans, nuts and communicable diseases during the first Thanksgiving.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 pastry/50 grams – 200 calories, 45 grams from fat, 5 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 170 milligrams of sodium, 35 grams of carbohydrates, less that 1 gram of fiber, 16 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Limited Edition Frosted Pumpkin Pie Pop-Tarts
Price: $3.50
Size: 12 pastries
Purchased at: Giant Eagle
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Pop-Tarts filling tastes like pumpkin pie. One of my top 10 favorite Pop-Tarts. Using Black Magic to create Pop-Tarts. One of the few Pop-Tarts that tastes like what its emulating. Decent source of vitamins and minerals. Comes in a 12 count box. Spitting out rainbows.
Cons: Sprinkles were unnecessary. High fructose corn syrup. Limited edition flavor. Hard to find. Using Black Magic for evil. Communicable diseases. A third helping of Thanksgiving dinner. Clown pubic hair stubble.

NEWS: Jones Soda Re-Launching WhoopAss Energy Drink In Bad Ass Cans For Your Punk Ass

/ / Spotted on Shelves / 7 Comments

I thought the original Jones Soda WhoopAss Energy Drink was mediocre and the outside of the can was better than what was inside of it. Well, the original WhoopAss Energy Drink is getting its ass kicked to curb and being replaced with a completely refreshed version.

It will now come in an all-black 16-ounce can with an Iron Cross graphic, bitchslapping the anime-inspired artwork on the original can into history. What’s in the can will also get the Vulcan death grip. The updated version of WhoopAss will be a deep bruise purple color, instead of the bright yellow pee-like color of the original. Finally, the new WhoopAss Energy Drink will karate chop your taste buds with an exotic, subtle fruit flavor with notes of dragonfruit.

Along with an energy boost, the new WhoopAss will contain the antioxidant kick of 2.5 servings of vegetables and help with muscle recovery. The antioxidants will come from yerba mate, grape extracts and green tea. It’s also stuffed with taurine, L-Arginine, L-Carnitine, L-Lysine. The energy will be provided by a blend of B2, B3, B6 and B12 vitamins.

The new version of WhoopAss Energy Drink will retail for a wallet-punching $2.39 per can and will hit the stores sometime in November.

REVIEW: Tonino Lamborghini Energy Drink

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On the front of the Tonino Lamborghini Energy Drink can it describes the exotic car maker as, “A high quality brand with over 25 years of unique style; a mix of power, elegance and creative engineering. For both men and women with character all of their own, who refuse to go unnoticed. Tonino Lamborghini: classic by definition, audacious by nature.”

However, I prefer to describe the Italian automaker as, “An extremely expensive brand with over a quarter of a century of making cars that almost all of us can only dream of driving and have a fuel inefficiency of 10-12 miles per gallon. For both douchebags and rappers who have money to burn, get off on the common folk staring at them with envy and have small penises to compensate for. Tonino Lamborghini: difficult to drive over speed bumps by design, extremely high car insurance premiums by nature.”

While, today, I may think Lamborghinis are extravagant and fuel-inefficient small penis compensators, I didn’t feel this way when I was 10 years old. Back then, the Lamborghini Countach was my dream car, thanks to twin Autobots Sideswipe and Sunstreaker who both transformed into Countaches.

Of course, back then I didn’t know Lamborghinis were the same price as some houses and that I would never be able to afford one. I liked them because they were fast, looked futuristic and the name Lamborghini expanded my Italian vocabulary beyond just pizza, spaghetti, lasagna and mamma mia.

The Tonino Lamborghini Energy Drink is much like any Lamborghini sports car. It’s pricey at $1.79 per 8-ounce can; I can buy a 16-ounce Monster Energy Drink for $1.99. It’s hard to find. And buying it makes me feel like a douchebag.

This energy drink is not only like a Lamborghini sports car, it’s also like a Red Bull because it tastes just like it. However, I don’t think it’s as smooth as a Red Bull and it doesn’t give me wings. It’s also disappointing that as an energy drink inspired by a high-octane sports car it doesn’t have more of an energy kick. With only 80 milligrams of caffeine and 100 milligrams of taurine, it doesn’t provide much energy for me.

Overall, the Tonino Lamborghini Energy Drink is a slightly cheaper Red Bull replacement. Yes, I wrote that the Tonino Lamborghini Energy Drink is expensive, but Red Bull is even more so and I consider it to be the Bugatti of energy drinks.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 can/8.4 ounces – 128 calories, 0 grams of fat, 252 milligrams of sodium, 29 grams of carbohydrates, 29 grams of sugar, less than 1 gram of protein, 125% niacin, 100% pantothenic acid, 385% vitamin B6, 208% vitamin B12, 100 milligrams of taurine and 80 milligrams of caffeine.)

Other Tonino Lamborghini Energy Drink reviews:
What I Drink At Work

Item: Tonino Lamborghini Energy Drink
Price: $1.79
Size: 8.4 ounces
Purchased at: Nijiya Market
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Tastes just like Red Bull. Multilingual can. Autobots Sideswipe and Sunstreaker. No high fructose corn syrup. Cheaper Red Bull replacement.
Cons: Pricey for an 8-ounce energy drink, when compared with a $1.99 16-ounce Monster Energy Drink. Hard to find. Buying it makes me feel like a douchebag. Only 80 milligrams of caffeine. Awesome source of sugar. Compensating for a small penis with the purchase of an exotic car.

NEWS: Cream of Wheat Introduces What Could Possibly Be The Least Appealing Way To Enjoy Cinnabon

/ / Spotted on Shelves / 10 Comments

Cream of Wheat hot cereal is promoted as “good nutrition for all ages.” Cinnabon is known as what negates whatever exercise you did the day before. So combining the two to create the new Cream of Wheat Cinnabon flavor is a bit odd, but I’m not surprised by it.

Recently, Cinnabon has been on the march to place their cinna-stamp on whatever products they can get their hands on, like Cinnabon Snack Bars, Cinnabon Cereal, Cinnabon pancakes, Pillsbury Cinnabon Cinnamon Rolls and Cinnabon Lip Balm. With all of these products, it seems Cinnabon is doing whatever it can to stay relevant. Too bad Cinnabon can’t make a celebrity sex tape, because I believe that would help and get it a show on the E! Network.

A Cinnabon Cream of Wheat packet contains 130 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 170 milligrams of sodium, 29 grams of carbohydrates, 1 grams of fiber, 14 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein and a bunch of vitamin and minerals.

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