I find it odd that Fruttare would choose to call these “Dessert Bars”.

I usually do what food packaging tells me to do (once I pop, I don’t stop; I will, indeed, take it to the XTREME), but I have a thing about preconceived notions in regards to when I should be eating certain foods. I’ll order buffalo chicken strips for breakfast at Denny’s. I’ll even get a fourthmeal from somewhere other than Taco Bell.

To me, frozen treats are an “anytime food”. What’s wrong with a Klondike bar at 2pm? Otter Pop as a quick sugar fix in the morning? Sure, why not?

That said, Fruttare trying to tell me that their Fruit and Milk Bars are for dessert use only might as well be a dare to eat five of them for breakfast. In fact, their two major components – those being fruit and milk, if you haven’t gathered that yet – are like, 1/2 of what childhood commercials have told me is a complete breakfast. Just grab some toast and a bowl of Lucky Charms to go along with it and you’re set.

But, enough babbling about semantics. According to Fruttare, their Fruit and Milk Bars are “the first nationally available line of its kind”. While a super-quick Google search does not dispute that, things like frozen yogurt bars are rising in the ranks of frozen treats, so we’ll see how Fruttare’s take on frozen fruit+dairy holds up.

Fruttare Strawberry and Milk Frozen Fruit and Milk Dessert Bar

I figured that if there was something that was going to be fundamentally flawed about these Fruit and Milk bars, it would come out in the Strawberry flavor. I like strawberries. I like milk. I like strawberry milk. I like strawberry ice cream. What could go wrong? She asks, ominously.

The answer to that is nothing, really. Right off the bat, I noticed that Fruttare Fruit and Milk bars are much firmer than Fruttare’s Ice Bars, which makes sense, because, well…milk.

The Fruit and Milk bars lack the tartness of yogurt, but have a nice, smooth texture. Strawberry and Milk had an excellent balance of milky flavor and authentic strawberry taste, complete with real strawberry chunks that were just the right size.

There were no inherent flaws with the Strawberry and Milk Dessert Bar. I found it to be an enjoyable frozen treat that wasn’t too sweet and had great fruit flavor.

If there’s a flaw to this flavor, it’s that it’s almost too pedestrian. It tastes like Fruttare took any major brand of strawberry ice cream and put it on a stick. While this results in tastiness, it doesn’t exactly break any major ground in the world of frozen milk-based foods, unless you count the stick, I guess.

Fruttare Peach and Milk Frozen Fruit and Milk Dessert Bar

I remember that, as a kid, we always had a box of Quaker Instant Oatmeal Fruit and Cream Variety Pack in the house. The berry flavors always went quickly, and then it was a fight between my brother and I to see who could grab the Peaches and Cream first, leaving the loser with Bananas and Cream, which would usually languish in the box until my mother demanded that someone eat it before a new box could be bought.

Peaches and cream seem to be made for each other, at least, according to some R&B group I’ve never heard of and the lotion section of Bath & Body Works, which also taught me long ago that I’m allergic to anything that smells good. Seriously, I can’t walk past a B&BW in the mall without sneezing about five times.

In a surprising twist, I found that I enjoyed Peach and Milk even more than Strawberry and Milk. These bars have a great peach flavor without being too cloyingly sweet or overpowering, which I just now decided should be called “Canned Fruit Cocktail Syndrome”.

The peach and milk worked together like best friends, punctuated by real peach chunks that were the perfect size, neither so small they are just mush or so big that you feel like you’re chewing through your Dessert Bar.

I also found Peach and Milk to be refreshing, which is an unexpected sensation, given that I don’t exactly imagine myself reaching for milk when I’m looking to cool down. Peach and Milk would be a great treat in the steamy Georgian summer as you sit on the swing on your front porch.

That’s just a suggested serving. You don’t need to be in Georgia or have a swing – or a front porch, in fact – to enjoy a Fruttare Peach and Milk Dessert Bar. Or have it for dessert, dammit.

Fruttare Banana and Milk Frozen Fruit and Milk Dessert Bar

The only artificially banana-flavored food I can tolerate are banana Runts, and that’s only because the shape of them is fun in my mouth. I mean that literally, so take your minds out of the damn gutter.

I think my dislike of artificial banana started as a very young child at the dentist’s office. For some reason, they thought banana would be a great flavor choice for that goo they smeared on my gums before they shot me full of Novocaine using a syringe that looked like it belonged to Dr. Killjoy. Dentistry has moved beyond that these days, but not by much, and the traumatic artificial banana memories remain. Traumananatic. Banatraumatic? Eh, nevermind.

I found the Fruttare Banana and Milk Bar to be an interesting mix of good and bad. It had a weird flavor combination of real and fake banana. I found the banana flavor to be too strong – the bar had a nice, smooth texture, but I wasn’t really able to enjoy it because there was so much banana flavoring crammed in there that it overwhelmed the milk part of the bar.

There was also a large disparity between the banana chunks. Some were tiny pieces of mush with no flavor distinguishable from the rest of the bar, while others were nice-sized chunks that gave a welcome burst of real banana flavor and the texture of real fruit.

Given the flavors so far, I was disappointed by the Banana and Milk Dessert Bar. If you really like bananas and don’t mind having some artificial flavor in the mix, then I’d call this a perfectly acceptable frozen treat. I personally found the fruit flavoring too aggressive and was a little put off by the small mushy chunks.

Fruttare Coconut and Milk Frozen Fruit and Milk Dessert Bar

Coconuts in water and milk form have become quite popular, especially among people who enjoy following health crazes. If you believe all the hype, I’m pretty sure coconuts cure cancer, gout, restless leg syndrome, and that thing that’s been growing on your back that you’re afraid to see a doctor about.

Coconuts are also popular among people who like to voluntarily strand themselves on deserted islands, like Les Stroud, Bear Grylls, the Mythbusters, that hippy guy from Dual Survival who never wears shoes and constantly regrets it, every single person on the 26 seasons of Survivor, and Myke Hawke, who has the best name on television but doesn’t seem to realize it.

Oh right, and centuries of indigenous people around the world. Coconuts are popular. I think you get the idea.

Taking all of that into account, it seems natural that coconuts and milk would work well together in Dessert Bar form. And they did, for the most part.

Right off the bat, I noticed the Coconut and Milk Bar was much firmer than the other Dessert Bars. This might be because there seems to be a ton of coconut jammed in there.

Unlike the other Fruit and Milk Bars, Coconut and Milk had coconut shavings instead of chunks. I think this was a good choice by Fruttare, since coconuts tend to be more comfortable in shaved form.

Every bite of this bar had coconut shavings in it, so much so that after the milk part melted away, you were left with a little ball of coconut chaw. Luckily, coconut chaw is much tastier than tobacco chaw, and there is no spittoon required to consume these Dessert Bars.

Of all the Dessert Bars, Coconut and Milk most closely matched the tropical feel of their box. The coconut flavor and texture were definitely prominent, but the milk helped to smooth things out.

I have mixed feelings on the amount of coconut contained in these Dessert Bars, however. While it was a little bizarre to be left with some coconuts shavings to chew after the milk part melted away, but if you’re a coconut lover, this part might appeal to your tropical island fantasies.

I was surprised to find that Fruttare’s Fruit and Milk Dessert Bars had such different personalities, which makes me feel like one of those people who believe identical twins are practically the same person. Each bar had its own characteristics, and for the most part, they worked out. Seeing as how these are the first Fruit and Milk Bars available in the US, Fruttare did a pretty good job in breaking new ground.

(Nutrition Facts — 1 bar – Strawberry – 110 calories, 25 calories from fat, 3 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 45 milligrams of sodium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, less than one gram of fiber, 16 grams of sugar, 1 gram of protein, 10% vitamin C, and 4% calcium. Peach – 110 calories, 25 calories from fat, 3 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 45 milligrams of sodium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 17 grams of sugar, 1 gram of protein, 10% vitamin C, and 4% calcium. Banana – 120 calories, 30 calories from fat, 3.5 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, less than 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 50 milligrams of sodium, 22 grams of carbohydrates, 18 grams of sugar, 1 gram of protein, 6% calcium. Coconut – 140 calories, 45 calories from fat, 5 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, less than 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 65 milligrams of sodium, 22 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of dietary fiber, 18 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, and 16% calcium.)

Item: Fruttare Frozen Fruit and Milk Dessert Bars (Strawberry, Peach, Banana, and Coconut)
Purchased Price: FREE
Size: 4 bars per box
Purchased at: Received samples from Fruttare
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Strawberry)
Rating: 9 out of 10 (Peach)
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Banana)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Coconut)
Pros: Strawberry and Peach had perfectly-sized fruit chunks. First Fruit and Milk Bars in the US. Peach was surprisingly refreshing. Banana had some larger chunks that were authentic. Coconut was very tropical. Milk went smoothly with the fruits. Myke Hawke’s name.
Cons: Strawberry was pretty ordinary. Calling them Dessert Bars is dumb. Banana and some artificial flavor and mushy chunks. Being allergic to things that smell good. Banana flavor overwhelmed milk flavor. Coconut might have too much coconut for some. “Chaw”.