REVIEW: Lester’s Fixins Ranch Dressing Soda

/ / Reviews / 7 Comments

Lester's Fixins Ranch Dressing Soda

Do you ever just sit around your house on the internet and think that you’ve seen it all? Think that there is nothing left to look up? Nothing left to read about?

You’ve read Benjamin Franklin’s “Fart Proudly” essay like three times, you know all of the inventors killed by their own inventions, and you have the formula for OpenCola committed to memory.

I think that sometimes when I’m staring at my screen trying to find how I can change the blink rate of the cursor in Microsoft Word (Accessibility options).

Then I get a bottle of Ranch Dressing Soda in the mail and am ecstatic to have a few more minutes of fresh internet excavating to keep me busy.

I have to admit I was ignorant of the history of ranch dressing. As such an American staple, you’d think it would be right there in our high school history book glossaries, wedged in between Radical Republicans and ratification. But it’s not.

Did you know that ranch dressing, which is the number one salad dressing in the U.S., didn’t exist until the 1950s? I had no idea. I thought it was like the Mississippi and had just been around since time immemorial. But it hasn’t. It was invented by a couple at the Hidden Valley Ranch in California. The Hidden Valley Ranch! It was a real place! It must’ve been magical there. I also found out that Wish-Bone was a real restaurant, and get this, Paul Newman was a real guy! Crazy!

Ok so that’s really the whole story. They made it at their ranch and people liked it and they started selling it and then Clorox bought the rights to it.

Cut to a half a century later and we have Lester’s Fixins Ranch Dressing Soda. I’m not sure if the Hensons of Hidden Valley would approve of what has become of their majestic concoction.

This is one of the latest offerings from the novelty soda company, Rocket Fizz, in their line of Lester’s Fixins sodas. Lester’s Fixins seems to be the product line where Rocket Fizz showcases their most unusual (read: grossest) flavors. Its sister soda line, Melba’s Fixins offers slightly less disturbing flavors like Apple Pie, Lemon Merengue Pie, and Sweet Tea.

I must say it’s good to see a small upstart take aim at a market dominated for too long by Jones Soda! Thinking you’re all cool with your Egg Nog and your Road Kill flavors! Take that Jones! (I have no stake in this fight.)

Lester's Fixins Ranch Dressing Soda Bottle Closeup

Right out of the box, I’m not a huge fan of the packaging. It could be punched up a bit. Seems a little too DIY. But maybe that’s what they were going for.

Also, of all the colors that a liquid can take, I argue that none is more repellant than a murkily translucent shade of white (shiver). I’ll take your foulest shades of green of brown any day.

Lester's Fixins Ranch Dressing Soda Liquid

The nosegrope is not of food or beverage. It’s a subtle blend of paint and new cardboard. Not old, ratty cardboard. New cardboard, like a box you’d buy for moving day. A nice box.

The soda is surprisingly sweet. Almost like it has a sugared up Sprite base. The sweetness hits your tongue a split second before the wave of absolute heinousness comes crashing down upon it.

Lester's Fixins Ranch Dressing Soda Ingredients

When I blog about vintage cereals, those that are decades past their expiration date, the cereals always take on a plastic chemical flavor from their containing bag. This soda tastes like that. Like it’s been sitting around in a waxy plastic bag leaching chemicals for decades. It. Is. Foul. And that foulness is sharp and coats your mouth in a repellant sticky film that refuses to go away.

I expected this to be bad, but my expectations were exceeded. This doesn’t taste like any ranch dressing I’ve ever had. And if there is a ranch dressing being made somewhere that tastes like this, the residents of that ranch need to be evacuated immediately because there has been some kind of breach at the nuclear plant upriver. The cows may already be dead.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Impulsive Buy reader Jonathan for sending us a bottle of Lester’s Fixins Ranch Dressing Soda.)

(Nutrition Facts – 12 ounces – 170 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 25 milligrams of sodium, 43 grams of carbohydrates, 42 grams of sugar, and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Lester’s Fixins Ranch Dressing Soda
Purchased Price: N/A
Size: 12 ounces
Purchased at: Rocket Fizz
Rating: 0 out of 10
Pros: Absolutely nothing.
Cons: Taste. Smell. Color. Bottle.

REVIEW: Ben & Jerry’s Truffle Trifecta Ice Cream

/ / Reviews

Ben & Jerry's Truffle Trifecta Ice Cream

Kudos to you, Ben & Jerry’s. You’ve finally listened to the countless haute cuisine chefs who have surely written to you pleading for the creation of an ice cream featuring truffles.

For years, we’ve been limited to having our truffles shaved over expensive pastas and accompanying the finest foie gras, but we can now experience the combination the culinary world has been waiting for: chocolate ice cream and fungus. I can only imagine how many truffle hogs the Ben & Jerry’s company must have needed to create this new flavor.

…Wait, what’s that you say? Hold up, hold up, hold up. The truffles inside of this ice cream are not the sporocarps of an ascomycete fungus? They’re made of…ch-chocolate?

*clears throat*

Ahem, I knew that. I was just testing you. Pffft.

Ben & Jerry’s new flavor, Truffle Trifecta, features standard chocolate ice cream mixed with three different varieties of chocolate truffle: marshmallow, fudge, and caramel. You can find the flavor stocked at Walgreens stores, where it is being sold exclusively. When you venture to your local Walgreens to pick up a carton, you’ll probably be just as disappointed as I was when you realize that the store walls are not actually green.

Ben & Jerry's Truffle Trifecta Bowl

Upon opening the pint of Truffle Trifecta, you’ll find your usual chocolate ice cream base. The scent, which was nothing more than that of your everyday run-of-the-mill chocolate ice cream, left me wondering if the flavor would even bring anything new to the table.

After experiencing my first few spoonfuls of Truffle Trifecta, I tried to isolate the flavors of the truffles from the ice cream, but had little success. Although there seems to be a balanced ratio of truffles to ice cream, the truffles seem to be largely overpowered by the chocolate ice cream base.

Furthermore, I had trouble identifying which of the three truffle varieties I was tasting in each spoonful. The disappointingly subtle flavors only seemed to show up as a sort of aftertaste once the chocolate ice cream’s sweetness had worn off.

Ben & Jerry's Truffle Trifecta Truffle Size

Each truffle is approximately the size of a dime and shaped similar to a miniature Reese’s cup. Hoping to more fully experience their flavors, I dug out a multitude of truffles from the chocolate ice cream, acting like a crazed chocolate truffle prospector in an ice cream gold mine.

The caramel truffle was spot-on: the perfect mix of gooey and sweet. Although the marshmallow truffle was a bit creamier than what I would normally expect from anything marshmallow flavored, it was delectable nonetheless. Unfortunately, the chocolate truffle reminded me of the cheap, stale chocolate you find inside of your grandma’s candy jar. You know, the kind that’s been sitting there for years. Nobody wants old people chocolate in their ice cream.

Overall, the truffles found scattered about Ben & Jerry’s Truffle Trifecta are pleasing in taste, but their flavors are too strongly masked by the rich chocolate ice cream base. Truffle Trifecta is by no means a bad ice cream, but the flavors fail to mix in such a way to spotlight the addition of the truffles.

No dice, Ben & Jerry’s. Maybe you should have tried the whole fungus ice cream idea.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 cup – 280 calories, 150 calories from fat, 17 grams of total fat, 11 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 50 milligrams of cholesterol, 50 milligrams of sodium, 29 grams of total carbohydrates, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 27 grams of sugars, and 4 grams of protein.)

Other Ben & Jerry’s Truffle Trifecta reviews:
On Second Scoop

Item: Ben & Jerry’s Truffle Trifecta Ice Cream
Purchased Price: $4.99
Size: 1 pint
Purchased at: Walgreens
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Three different truffle varieties. Tasty chocolate truffles. Chocolate truffle prospectors.
Cons: Chocolate ice cream base is too overpowering. Hard to distinguish between truffles inside ice cream. Not a fungus ice cream.

REVIEW: Pepperidge Farm Cheddar Bacon Goldfish Puffs

/ / Reviews / 2 Comments

Pepperidge Farm Goldfish Puffs Cheddar Bacon

It’s wiffle ball season!

That’s right, world, it’s that glorious time of year when the few, the proud, the scrappy bust out their perforated plastic golf balls and toss up curves for this 1953 riff on baseball, but before you grab your yellow plastic stick and funky white ball, you’ll need to make sure you have a snack to keep you sharp. Something crunchy. Something easy to transport. Something made with smiles and whole grains.

Well, alongside the 15 billion other curious ingredients, Pepperidge Farm seems to have hit the nail on the head, and, knowing that there’s nothing like and a little fake cheese dust to perfect your wiffle curve, they have brought forth their new Goldfish Puffs, here represented in cheddar bacon form.

These little fishies are a specimen of the cheesy poof in a shape reminiscent of Pac-Man if he had a fin, a quality that, had it been on the real Pac-Man, probably would have helped him get away from those ghosts a little easier. The fin also serves as a great handle to carry each poof as you pop it into your mouth.

Pepperidge Farm Goldfish Puffs Cheddar Bacon Goldfish Puff is Pac-Man

And are these ever easy to chomp. They don’t quite hold the Styrofoam-peanut texture of classic cheese puffs, nor do they sustain the crunchy-nibby sensation of Crunchy Cheetos, but settle somewhere in between: puffy, but still slightly dense with a crunch that it makes me wonder if these were a cracker sent through Mr. Poofinator [the name of the robotic Cheezy Poof maker].

As with all cheesy poof varietals, it is the cheese dust that ultimately makes or breaks the game, and, boy howdy, is there plenty of that dust here. Opening the bag sends a gust smoky, cheddar-filled powder into the air. You may fear this will eliminate said dust from your eating experience, but fear not! There is plenty of this fine grain to go around, spreading kindly to your fingers during the eating experience so that you may consume it after your poofs have been devoured.

Speaking of devouring, the flavor of these poofs starts out with a sharp cheddar tang, highlighting the nutty/beefy aspects of cheddar. Unlike the original Goldfish cheddar crackers, this cheddar bites back. What’s curious is that, unlike Cheetos, which leaves its poofs in an unflavored cornmeal state, the interior cornmeal of the Goldfish poof is enhanced with cheddar, giving each fish extra cheddar oomph. I dare say it hinges on too much cheddar, but, if I had a craving for a sharp cheddar blast, I might dive for these. What follows after this cheddar barrage is the “bacon” flavor.

Pepperidge Farm Goldfish Puffs Cheddar Bacon Escape

I often subscribe to the School of Everything’s Better with Bacon, but, let’s face it: bacon can be an assertive flavor and, if not treated with care, will stomp all over your sandwich, maple-glazed doughnut, or, in this case, cheese puff. Here, the bacon flavor translates to smoke, char, and that jar of artificial bacon bits you’ve been ignoring in your refrigerator for the past seven years.

According to the puff’s rather extraordinary list of ingredients, I’m guessing the culprit to be the “bacon flavored lard,” although it may also be the ferrous sulfate. Now, I could support bacon-flavored lard if it supported the cheddar flavor, but, when it overpowers with a flavor reminiscent of Oscar-Mayer-gone-awry, it’s doing a disservice to an otherwise pretty tasty snack.

Despite the taste flaws, there’s something to be said for a product that’s ambitious: a product that gives a new shape/flavor on an otherwise old timey favorite. These cheddar bacon puffs? Definitely ambitious. They’re made with whole grains, they come in the shape of smiling fishies, and the cheddar flavor is muy fuerte.

Sure, the bacon flavor may not be doing them a service, but I could foresee liking the regular cheddar puff variety if I had a hankerin’ for sharp cheddar. They could use tweaking on the flavor edge, but they’re a bold product. Props for that, Pepperidge Farm.

(Nutrition Facts – 41 pieces – 150 calories, 60 calories from fat, 6 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 240 milligrams of sodium, 0 milligrams of potassium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 2 grams of sugars, and 2 grams of protein.)

Other Pepperidge Farm Goldfish Puffs reviews:
Junk Food Guy (Buffalo Wing)

Item: Pepperidge Farm Cheddar Bacon Goldfish Puffs
Purchased Price: $2.99
Size: 7 oz. bag
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Ambitious. Loads of cheese dust. Sharp cheddar everywhere. Cheddar-enhanced poof. Crunchy-poofy texture. In the shape of happy fishies. Made with whole grains. Mr. Poofinator. Wiffle ball season!
Cons: Bacon flavor reminiscent of char and 7-year-old bacon bits. Sharp cheddar gets overwhelming. Realizing cheese dust has similar effect as pollen. Questionable origins of “Bacon-flavored lard.”

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Froot Loops Treasures Cereal

/ / Reviews / 4 Comments

Kellogg's Fruit Loops Treasures

If one man’s junk is another man’s treasure, then the new Froot Loops Treasures are something I would expect to find at a Bald Eagle’s garage sale.

Mind you, a Bald Eagle, if he were having a garage sale, would have some really good ‘junk.’ What with being the symbol of America, freedom, and numerous sports teams, but when you get right down to it, it’s still selling stuff considered junk.

Kind of like the new Froot Loops Treasures, which with a veritable rainbow of artificial food dyes and 12 grams of sugar per completely unrealistic one cup serving, could be either junk or treasure in the eye of the beholder.

If the concept behind Froot Loops Treasures looks familiar, then award yourself a +1 in the nostalgia department and consider the case of Hidden Treasures.

It was a General Mills cult favorite that had an otherwise unimpressive two year run during the early days of the Clinton administration. The gimmick behind the corn cereal with a fruity center was that not all of the squares contained actual fruit (and I use the term ‘fruit’ incredibly loosely; as in anything with color). Thus, eating Hidden Treasures was like going on a treasure hunt in cereal bowl. Man, the early 1990s were some wild times indeed.

Kellogg's Fruit Loops Treasures In Bowl

Froot Loops Treasures avoids such trickeration completely and just packs each red square with strawberry-flavored filling. While I didn’t verify the exact ratio of standard Froot Loops rings to strawberry squares with an exhaustive hand count, I’d put the ratio at about 8:1 or so.

In other words, you’re still getting plenty of that standard Froot Loops goodness. The loops aren’t as crunchy as they were back before the days when Kellogg’s made them slightly healthier with multigrain elements, but they’ve still got the cloying-in-a-good way taste that’s vaguely coconutty and fruity with a slightly glazed mouthfeel. If you love them, you love them; and oh how I love them.

The red squares lack that faux-donut glaze that the loops have, and when nibbled plain, they don’t have any taste. The good news is the filling actually has a bit of discernible strawberry flavor and even a backend note of tartness.

Kellogg's Fruit Loops Treasures Innards

It’s a strawberry goo/puree deal that has become standard for fruit-filled cereals like the Frosted Mini-Wheats Touch of Fruit in the Middle varieties. It’s not quite as candylicious as the filling of a gusher and has a little more viscosity than fruit leather. I’m sure it would make a fine spread for tea and crumpets and somesuch. 

The problem – and it’s a major one – is the same problem most filled-cereal pieces have: there’s just nowhere near enough filling to make a major impact. Given the over-the-top and one note sweetness you either love or hate with Froot Loops, the addition of a berry-flavored kick on the backend just doesn’t do much enough to make you feel like you’re eating a different kind of cereal.

Kellogg's Fruit Loops Treasures In Milk

I will say the filled-pieces are more enjoyable in milk than eaten plain. There must be something about the addition of moisture that draws out the texture of the filling, and breaks up the monotony of the standard Froot Loops flavor. To that end, I’ve become increasingly less enthusiastic about Froot Loops eaten in milk since a reformation of the formula to a multigrain texture a few years ago. They just don’t seem to stay crunchy enough, unlike, say, Malt-O-Meal’s Tootie Fruities.

If you’re a fan of Froot Loops, then you’re going to find a trove with the new Froot Loops Treasures. They’ve got everything regular Froot Loops have plus a welcomed change-of-pace that actually gives the cereal a bit more flavor and texture than the classic.

But if you’re like me, and you’re the kind of person who feels like each expedition down the cereal aisle is a search for a new and sugary treasure, then the lack of strawberry filling and textural contrast in the latest Froot Loops don’t mark the spot.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cup – 110 calories, 10 calories from fat, 1 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat*, 0 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 0 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 140 milligrams of sodium, 35 milligrams of potassium, 26 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 12 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.)

Item: Kellogg’s Froot Loops Treasures Cereal
Purchased Price: $2.99
Size: 10.5 oz. box
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: No change to the super sweet taste of standard Froot Loops. Red squares all come with at least some strawberry filling. Noticing an actual tartness and genuine strawberry taste in a cereal with more food colorings than a paining supply store. Now with fiber!
Cons: Not enough strawberry filling to make me feel like I’ve found a cereal treasure. A standard bowl mostly tastes just like regular Froot Loops. Froot Loops rings lack crunch of the good old days. Not remembering what Hidden Treasures tastes like. Animal garage sales.

REVIEW: Limited Time Only Wheat Thins Lime

/ / Reviews / 6 Comments

Limited Time Only Wheat Thins Lime

Are we hitting the trough of the Latino flavors wave?

Not quite, but I think we’ve passed the crest because here we have Limited Time Only Wheat Thins Lime.

I’m fond of Wheat Thins, they’re more subtle than Triscuit and have more personality than saltine crackers. I’m also a fan of some of the flavored Wheat Thins and I love lime.

I love lime so much that when I was a child, I would gobble all the lime “gelatin gems” in those cheap variety cups before anyone could get them.

I even (drunkenly) threw a bag of Skittles out of my car when I realized they replaced lime with disgusting “green apple.” If I had to buy tortilla chips for some wet-ass salsa (all salsa sucks, by the way), I would opt for the Tostitos Hint of Lime.

So what’s not to love about these new Wheat Thins? The nutty flavor of Wheat Thins and the zesty slap of lime. Well, you know when you finally get together with a friend you recently rekindled via Facebook and you realize “What the hell? You’re nothing like your posts?!” Yeah, that’s kind of like these Wheat Thins.

I expected them taste like Wheat Thins with that powdery lime-zest those Tostitos have and they do, but it’s all wrong. First, the lime flavor is too faint because that nutty, almost roasted taste takes over the entire cracker.

Limited Time Only Wheat Thins Lime Super Closeup

Second, I tasted more of the lime zest by licking my finger and I hate people that lick their fingers. You can even see the green specks on the cracker that mislead you.

You taste the lime zest immediately, but it’s so quick that you would think Hangover III stayed on the minds of the public longer. The flavor doesn’t last because it mellows into an almost faint creaminess of garlic and then the familiar nutty taste ramjams your tongue like a terrible National Geographic video about wild animals in heat. RAMJAM!!!

Limited Time Only Wheat Thins Lime Back of Box

The back of the box screams, “Taste the bold lime flavor.” There’s no way to say it, but that’s a lie and I don’t mean “That dress looks good on you” lie…I mean the “Mommy and Daddy will always love you” kind of lie. What a bunch of crap.

One look at the ingredients and it’s no wonder the lime flavor is as present as my parents when I was having an emotional breakdown. The ingredients list garlic powder, sour cream, and onion powder. It’s as if Nabisco wanted to really do something crazy like moon someone, but then they said, “How about we moon them with our pants on? And also instead of mooning, how about we just stick our tongues out? And instead of sticking our tongues out, let’s just ignore them and whistle loudly?”

Limited Time Only Wheat Thins Lime Sticker

The box actually has a sticker that states “People will swipe this.” I can only guess maybe in Russia where people are relegated to eating dark breads and dour potato dumplings. Okay not true, but you get the picture. Anyhow, it leads to a website called flavorprotection.com which is a site about protecting flavor and the joke falls flat. And if I’m speaking about a website, then that should be another indication of how blah these Wheat Thins are.

The only redeemable quality about Wheat Thins Lime is that they are just mediocre and won’t offend your tongue. The resident crunch and Wheat Thins taste are still present. You can’t beat them when they are topped with slices from the cheap rectangle shaped Monterey jack supermarket cheese. Well, you can, just buy normal Wheat Thins and eat those.

I guess my point is why do I have to enjoy a cracker by having to eat it with something else? I enjoy sitting on the couch, shoving my hands in a box of crackers as I leave specks of cracker dust on the remote and just eating them plainly. And does one really have time to mess with slicing cheese when Cheaters is on? By the way that new host Clark Gable III sucks.

Simply put, the lime/citrus zing is too weak, but if you like Wheat Thins in general…well, you could do worse…like replace Joey Greco.

(Nutrition Facts – 14 pieces – 140 calories, 50 calories from fat, 6 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 3.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 250 milligrams of sodium, 85 milligrams of potassium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 3 grams of sugars, and 2 grams of protein.)

Other Limited Time Only Wheat Thins Lime reviews:
Junk Food Guy
Yum Sugar

Item: Limited Time Only Wheat Thins Lime
Purchased Price: $2.50 (on sale)
Size: 9 oz. box
Purchased at: Publix, where they don’t let you put “Go to hell Matt” on a cake you’ve ordered.
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: The citrus zing hits you immediately. Lime skittles. The familiar nutty taste Wheat Thins have. The word “ramjam.” Wheat Thins are always crunchy. Joey Greco.
Cons: The citrus zing hits you immediately and then dies off just as quickly. The lime taste is faint. The box lies to you, there is no bold taste. Parents lie to you, there is no love. Clark Gable III.

Scroll to Top