REVIEW: Taco Bell A.M. Crunchwrap (Bacon & Sausage)

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Taco Bell A.M. Crunchwrap

There are many terrible things I am more likely to do before I ever again eat the latest addition to Taco Bell’s signature FirstMeal menu:

Walk barefoot in an Irish bar on St. Patrick’s Day.

Get some fillings when I don’t really have cavities, “just for the heck of it.”

Watch Paranormal Activity by myself in an empty house and then leave the bedroom door open when I go to bed.

Steal my boss’s corporate card to buy myself an expensive lunch and defiantly say it’s because “they owe me.”

Accidentally swallow a goldfish.

That is how little I enjoyed these pudgy little artery-cloggers they call the Taco Bell A.M. Crunchwraps. Speaking of which, let’s break down the title of this new breakfast item: “Taco Bell” – OK, so we know where we can buy this. “A.M.” – Only available in the morning. Check. “Crunchwrap” – Woah, now… slow your roll. There wasn’t anything crunchy inside these wraps. Just chewy, oily, and rubbery things.

The A.M. Crunchwrap comes in two inexpensive, standard breakfast varieties, Bacon or Sausage. I tried both, and let me tell you that while the grilled flour tortilla is warm, toasty and crisp around the edges, the insides do not crunch. Both A.M. Crunchwraps come with the meat on top of a layer of scrambled eggs and cheese paired with a once-crispy hash brown. Unfortunately the hash brown patties inside of the two A.M. Crunchwraps I got were soggy with grease and excess moisture from being trapped in between a jacket of melted cheese and a flour tortilla, so what had probably been a nice, hot golden exterior was now golden mush. They get some points for even thinking of including hash browns though. It’s the idea of hash browns that counts.

Taco Bell Bacon A.M. Crunchwrap

That still isn’t the worst of it. Let’s talk specifically about the Bacon A.M. Crunchwrap. Contrary to my preconceived notions, there were no crisp, savory strips of bacon in this breakfast contraption, just bacon bits — the kind you’d probably find in a pre-packaged Cobb salad sold for $10.95 at the airport sandwich express counter right next to the case of SoBe and Evian. If Taco Bell were being really honest, they would’ve named this thing the “Bacon Bits A.M. Crunchwrap.” And if Taco Bell were being really, really honest, they would call it the “Chunks of Rubber A.M. Gushwrap.”

The hash brown made everything excessively oily. The bacon bits were tough. I imagine ground-up eraser tips from #2 pencils would taste like those bacon bits. Furthermore, they were stuffed inside one corner of the wrap instead of sprinkled throughout, so when I sliced it in half, all the bacon bits spilled out onto the plate. I can’t imagine what would’ve happened if I had been eating this straight out of the wrapper. Best case scenario, I would’ve ended up with a final bite filled with nothing but bacon bits. Worst case, a shower of bacon bits on my lap. The decent flavor of the scrambled egg and cheese was the only factor that kept the Bacon A.M. Crunchwrap from being 100 percent garbage.

Taco Bell Sausage A.M. Crunchwrap

The good news is that the Sausage A.M. Crunchwrap is better. Not excellent, but better. The Sausage A.M. Crunchwrap is sufficiently savory. Ironically, it wasn’t dripping with grease like the Bacon one. I’d think that a thick sausage patty would be oozing with the slick stuff, but alas, no. The sausage patty inside the Sausage A.M. Crunchwrap was of a decent diameter, too, and it was thick — a nice meaty counterpart to the egg, cheese and fried potato inside the tortilla. It also had some heft and felt like more of a substantial meal than the Bacon A.M. Crunchwrap.

The Sausage A.M. Crunchwrap seems like the final draft while the Bacon A.M. Crunchwrap was the shitty rough draft Taco Bell churned out in 30 minutes because they were working under deadline and hadn’t slept a wink after watching Paranormal Activity by themselves the night before.

If you’re in the mood for something relatively cheap and quick that’s not the worst fast food breakfast you’ll ever eat, then the Sausage A.M. Crunchwrap is for you. But if you’re interested in flavor, texture and experiencing complete satisfaction with your breakfast, then why are you eating at Taco Bell?

(Nutrition Facts – Bacon – 680 calories. Sausage – 720 calories.)

Item: Taco Bell A.M. Crunchwrap (Bacon & Sausage)
Purchased Price: $2.50
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Taco Bell
Rating: 2 out of 10 (Bacon)
Rating: 5 out of 10 (Sausage)
Pros: Tortilla is warm and crisp around the edges. Sausage A.M. Crunchwrap has nice heft to it. Sausage patty is savory and thick. The idea of hash browns.
Cons: Greasy. Bacon tastes like #2 pencil erasers. Something totally slamming that bedroom door shut in the middle of the night. Soggy hash browns.

REVIEW: Popchips Ranch Tortilla Chips

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Popchips Ranch Tortilla Chips

The Egyptians loved triangles.

I mean, they preserved their dead leaders in them, trusting that this big 5.9-million-ton, three-dimensional triangle would protect the soul of their worldly demi-gods and unleash curses onto unsuspecting grave robbers. That’s faith, people.

Call me a sucker for massive archaeological structures, but I think those ancient Egyptians had something going with their devoted adoration of triangles. Triangles do great things for the world. They inspired cinnamon scones and chiming musical instruments and, now, these Ranch Tortilla Popchips.

Without question, I dig these modest little chips. Crispy and a tad crunchy. The texture’s slightly less dense than a Dorito, but definitely more dense than a Cheeto (a Chorito??).

I like my flavored chips with lots of flavor dust on each chip and those Popchip folk made sure they didn’t skimp on this bag. If this chip were a geological formation, the ranch dusting on these suckers forms the entire crust while the stone-ground corn base serves as the tortilla planet’s core. (Wouldn’t that be cool: if the world’s core was made of tortilla chips?)

Popchips Ranch Tortilla Chips Cavern

Just imagine: all that ranch-y, tortilla goodness in the Earth’s core…

The corn is a great foundation, tossing around texture and a dash of sweetness all willy-nilly. And, just when you think you’re done, you get that little nostalgic hint of ranch dust that gets left on your fingers, which is perfect for consumption upon your completion of said crunchy snack.

Plus, they’re ranch! Ranch is the culinary embodiment of fun. It calls forth hammocks and lemonade and trampolines. Alchemists accidentally discovered it in their search for gold and uncovered that it made broccoli especially tasty. Without question, ranch, done well, is great, and it’s definitely been treated with the love and care it deserves here.

Popchips Ranch Tortilla Chips Closeup

With only 4 grams of fat and 120 calories for sixteen chips, these are pretty dad-gum good for you. They’re trans-fat free, void of red dye #5, and have 10% of your daily needs for calcium. If King Tut had been buried with a stash of these babies, I’ve no doubt his calcium-fortified spirit would’ve punched out the Egyptians’ half-jackal, half-human god of Death (that’s Anubis, for all you Jeopardy fans out there…).

The biggest conundrum? These buggers are hard to find. I discovered these sitting between the Flintstone vitamins and overpriced nail polish while I was pandering about at a Duane Reade pharmacy, but have yet to witness them appearing in the groceries. Perhaps it’s because they’re in the test-market phase of their life or perhaps it is because I live on a sinking rock in the Atlantic Ocean, but, either way, they’re so good that I hold on with hope that they will appear more often in the future.

Triangles are simple, which is beautiful, for it is with this simplicity that triangles create especially cool things. There’s the Flatiron building, cherry turnovers, mysterious voids in Bermuda and, now, Popchips in Tortilla form. No question. The ancient Egyptians had it right all along: triangles are amazing.

(Nutrition Facts – 16 chips per serving/28 grams – 120 calories, 35 calories from fat, 4 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 180 milligrams of sodium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 1 gram of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.)

Item: Popchips Ranch Tortilla Chips
Purchased Price: $2.99
Size: 3.5 ounce bag
Purchased at: Duane Reade
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Crunchy. Low fat. No artificial dyes. Ranch dust. Calcium. Triangles. Trampolines. King Tut’s mummy punching the Ancient Egyptian god of Death in the nose.
Cons: Difficult to find. Not yet available in plain. Kooky grave robbers. Overpriced nail polish. The world’s core is not made of tortilla chips.

REVIEW: Burger King Chicken Parmesan Sandwich

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Burger King Chicken Parmesan Sandwich

When I think of Italian comfort food, Burger King comes to mind.

Mmmm…rich garlicky marinara, creamy mozzarella, and herbaceous basil. Wait a minute, you don’t think of Burger King? Neither do I but when I found out BK was putting a Super Mario Bros. twist on their menu, I just had to try it.

Wait. That’s an understatement, I must try it!

I really wanted to grab their new Italian Breakfast Burrito, which is an amusing name if you think about it hard enough, but I was too late. However, I didn’t go away empty handed because I was greeted with their new Chicken Parmesan Sandwich. Admittedly, I am biased because I have a disturbing obsession with chicken parmesan. And while the ingredients are simple, the execution is not.

Chicken parmesan is my litmus test for an Italian ristorante. It’s like how egg rolls or fried dumplings can tell me how good a Chinese restaurant will end up being. If they cannot make a staple dish, their General Tso’s chicken most likely tsucks.

Ah, but let’s not kid ourselves, this is Burger King. I’m not even going to compare the level of its Italian items to depressing faketalian Olive Garden. I would probably place the sandwich at the expectations of canned Chef Boyardee pasta. Until that creepy spider fiasco, I was a connoisseur of canned ravioli and Boyardee was the bareback cowgirl of awesomeness. Damn you spiders, damn you all to hell.

I should also note I was given the option to have the chicken grilled or breaded. Grilled? You might as well serve me sushi made with brown rice or mix twelve year Van Winkle “Lot B” bourbon with Coke. I opted for the only correct choice which is breaded and if you’re wondering what the grilled version tastes like…tough, I’m not eating that (or so I thought, more on that later).

Burger King Chicken Parmesan Sandwich Top

So now that I properly shifted my paradigm, I looked at the sandwich and couldn’t help but feel sad. It looked like their normal fried chicken sandwich with some tomato paste jizzed on it as an afterthought. I couldn’t taste the “shaved” parmesan and BK’s definition of artisan style (their words, not mine) must mean shabby. And, as a final “eff you”, the mozzarella is just drooped on top of the fried ugliness.

I guess the chance to get this “grilled” should have been ominous enough but who else can say they ate a BK Chicken Parmesan? Probably the homeless who scoured garbage cans and found these half-eaten chicken sandwiches tossed out by unhappy customers.

Burger King Chicken Parmesan Sandwich Split

Indeed there were a couple of slices of mozzarella but when I split the sandwich in half, you can see where one layer was placed on top of another. Both layers were pretty much unmelted. I think the cadavers in the autopsy rooms at the local morgue are warmer.

Burger King’s website states that the chicken is generously breaded but my chicken was entombed with batter. It was like eating a brick filled with white chicken meat. Not surprising, the marinara was dreadful and tasted like pasty ketchup. Those On-Cor frozen chicken parmesan family entrées in the unattractive yellow boxes taste better.

Italy hasn’t been this disappointed since pre-tomatoed Mussolini. Yeah, I was pissed. Coupled with the fact that this sandwich was also expensive ($5.89!), I was ready to chalk this up as a big fail. Alas, (overdramatic sigh) I wouldn’t be giving a fair review if I didn’t purchase another one at a different Burger King.

Try Number Due. (Get it? It’s Italian for two.)

Here is something annoying to me and I’m not sure this is the case at all Burger King locations, but if you do not specify you want the chicken grilled or breaded, it will come grilled. That makes no sense for two reasons:

1. I don’t know of any restaurant that offers chicken parmesan grilled.

2. Every picture BK has of this product, from their menu in the eatery to its website, shows that it’s breaded.

Needless to say, I didn’t indicate which one and was handed a grilled chicken version. I took a bite and was happy the cheese was melted but the chicken was spongy and bland. I returned it and got the correct artery clogging breaded sandwich.

The cheese was melted properly and this made a huge difference. The creamy mozzarella followed by the breaded chicken was excellent. The chicken was breaded with the right amount, unlike the “colostomy in your future” fried rock in my original sandwich. It was not as light as tempura (which would be gross) but heavy enough to give it that crispy bite. I could actually taste the parmesan, but suspect the cheese was sprinkled from a can versus shaved.

Burger King Chicken Parmesan Sandwich Top 2

There was still too little of the marinara sauce, which tasted like tomato paste out the can, but the melted cheese carried the sandwich’s flavor. Also, the artisan bun the second time was devoid of weird flecky sesame seeds and other random speckles, but it didn’t affect the sandwich’s flavor.

The second Chicken Parmesan Sandwich from the second Burger King was miles better than other one I tried. That is shitty because we shouldn’t have to play Russian roulette with our Burger King locations.

I really enjoyed this sandwich even though it’s still a bit pricey for a fast food sandwich. Not sure if Little Caesars still sells their own chicken parmesan sandwich, but I believe theirs is the best fast food version I’ve eaten.

Using an old slogan of Burger King’s, my suggestion is to ensure that the cheese is melted by telling them you want to “have it your way.” And for God sakes, demand the breaded one or you will eat something horrible.

The Burger King Chicken Parmesan Sandwich won’t blow your mind (maybe your arteries and heart), but I do think it’s a great option if you don’t feel like eating a Whopper or have always dreamt of having onion rings with your chicken parmesan.

(Nutrition Facts – 470 calories, 15 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 85 milligrams of cholesterol, 1600 milligrams of sodium, 46 grams of carbohydrates, 7 grams of sugar, and 37 grams of protein.)

Item: Burger King Chicken Parmesan Sandwich
Purchased Price: $5.89
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Melted mozzarella on breaded chicken. Burger King offering something different from the norm. The sandwich is a hit, but it depends on the BK you go to.
Cons: Grilled chicken parmesan sucks. Expensive. Having to specify which chicken you want is stupid. The sandwich is a hit, but it depends on the BK you go to.

REVIEW: Pepperidge Farm Chocolate Buttercream & Crumbled Cookie Milano Cookie Cake

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Pepperidge Farm Milano Cookie CakeChocolate Buttercream & Crumbled Cookie

I think it’s safe to say Pepperidge Farm’s Milano is America’s second favorite cookie that ends with an O. Every year, 558 million Milano cookies are made. But did you know the Milano was the result of a happy accident, like Post-It Notes, penicillin, and, maybe, you or your siblings?

According to the Milano’s Wikipedia page (yeah, take that Encyclopedia Britannica), the sandwich cookie was created after their open-faced cookies topped with chocolate, the Naples, fused together in the packaging when sent to areas with warm weather. This problem caused the Naples cookie to evolve into the Milano.

That happened over 50 years ago, but Pepperidge Farm has been around much longer than that. In fact, this year, the company is celebrating its 75th anniversary and to honor the occasion they’ve released a Milano Cookie Cake, a two-layer vanilla cake with chocolate buttercream icing and sprinkled with crumbled Milano cookie pieces. The broken up Milano pieces make the top of the cake look like it’s used as the catch pan under Cookie Monster’s mouth to make cleaning up after him easier.

Measuring 5 3/4 inches wide and 2 1/4 inches tall, the Milano Cookie Cake’s size might have you thinking to yourself, “I probably could eat that whole thing in one sitting.” But, looking at the nutrition facts, I’d highly suggest against it. If you’re eating it by the slice, it’s prepared by cutting the portion you want, leaving it out at room temperature for 20 minutes, and then enjoying it.

Pepperidge Farm Milano Cookie CakeChocolate Buttercream & Crumbled Cookie Closeup Side

As it sat in my freezer, waiting to be devoured, I dreamt it would be an awesome dessert, but after eating my first slice, that dream was crushed, like the Milano cookies that top the cake. The Milano cookies are what drew me to this cake, but they take a backseat to the chocolate buttercream icing. I’m not talking Mini Cooper backseat, I’m talking Greyhound bus backseat.

The Milanos do nothing to enhance the flavor of the cake, instead it appears they’re like truck nuts in that their purpose is to decorate and annoy. How can a Milano Cookie Cake not have a little bit of Milano cookie flavor? It’s like buying a Playboy magazine and it’s filled with only words.

As a whole, the Pepperidge Farm Milano Cookie Cake was decent. The vanilla cake was, as expected for a frozen cake that’s been thawed, dry and crumbly. The dominating chocolate buttercream icing was rich and decadent. But this cake doesn’t do the crispy Milano cookie any justice and it’s extremely disappointing. It’s definitely not worth consuming the two grams of trans fat each slice provides.

The Milano cookie deserves better than this.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/8 cake – 250 calories, 130 calories from fat, 15 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 2 grams of trans fat, 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 135 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 20 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 2% calcium, and 8% iron.)

Other Pepperidge Farm Milano Cookie Cake reviews:
Peanut Free Food Reviews
Huffington Post Food

Item: Pepperidge Farm Chocolate Buttercream & Crumbled Cookie Milano Cookie Cake
Purchased Price: $6.99
Size: 18 ounces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Milano cookies. Happy accidents. Great if you like chocolate buttercream icing. Post-It Notes. Penicillin.
Cons: Milano cookies don’t do much in terms of flavor, but do add decoration. Two grams of trans fat per serving. Dry and crumbly cake. Pictureless Playboy magazines.

REVIEW: Dunkin’ Donuts Pumpkin Coffee K-Cup Pack

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Dunkin' Donuts Pumpkin Coffee K-Cup Pack

Fall is my favorite season. What’s not to love? The air turns cool but isn’t freezing yet; the leaves change colors and make great crunchy noises as you tramp through them; Halloween and Thanksgiving are just around the corner; college football starts and so do the baseball playoffs. (Okay, probably not for my team this year, but shut up.) And alongside all that, pumpkins begin their annual 2 1/2 months of relevance. Pumpkin pie, pumpkin donuts, pumpkin ale… it’s all terrific. And this year, I got really excited when I heard that Dunkin’ Donuts was releasing pumpkin coffee for use with Keurigs.

In case anyone is as clueless as I was until recently, a Keurig is a type of coffee maker that brews java quickly. You load it with small containers called K-Cups and through dark sorcery (allegedly), it spits out a cup of coffee a minute later. I got one for my wife for our last anniversary, and I’m convinced it’s her favorite thing I’ve ever bought her. Mind you, I have at various times given her an engagement ring, a Coach purse, diamond earrings, and two children. Pretty sure this still tops the list.

What’s surprising is just how much I was looking forward to DD’s pumpkin coffee, since I usually find coffee disgusting, or at best acceptable with loads of milk and sugar. But… pumpkin! Pumpkin makes it all better, right? That’s the operating theory, anyway: pumpkin and the spices, which sounds like either a Motown group or a Saturday morning cartoon. Don’t pretend you wouldn’t watch it.

I don’t want to spend too much time on the packaging, but it’s both eye-catching and visually appealing. The multicolored leaf pattern and orange and brown hues draw attention without overwhelming you, and I like that there’s only one picture of a pumpkin on the entire box. There’s no need to overload you with PUMPKIN! After all, pumpkin sells itself.

Dunkin' Donuts Pumpkin Coffee K-Cup Pack Closeup

After spending 30 seconds to brew a cup, I took a whiff and was pleased with the results. What you’re going to smell is mostly nutmeg with just a little bit of cinnamon. (Those seem to be the only spices included; they’re the only ones mentioned on the back of the box, anyway.) Beyond that it’s the usual coffee smell. Apparently this is Arabica coffee and I’m sure that means something to some of you, who are no doubt rolling your eyes right now at this idiot java novice, but to me it just smells like coffee. Still, that’s not a bad thing — coffee always smells better than it tastes.

…which, unfortunately, remains the case. Maybe it’s my fault: it’s pumpkin coffee, not pumpkin pie coffee. It isn’t magic. Nor is it bad, really — again, I’m not a coffee guy, but with milk and sugar it’s stupendously tolerable. You can’t fault coffee for being, you know… coffee. But what I CAN fault it for, and will, is not having nearly enough pumpkin in there. It’s pumpkin coffee, so you should be able to taste at least a little hint of pumpkin, right?

Apparently not, because what you’re drinking is nutmeg & cinnamon coffee. Those are good spices, yes, and they combine for a pleasant aftertaste. As a result, it’s hard to be too disappointed because, after all: it tastes good, with rich flavor and a sweet taste that lingers after the sip. By coffee standards, anyway. But it’s a bit like biting down into a bacon cheeseburger and only tasting the burger and cheese. You *like* cheeseburger, so technically that’s okay, but… where’s my bacon, dammit? The wife tells me in most flavored coffees, it just smells like whatever the flavor is and your nose kind of fills in the taste. I guess I can buy that, but since I can taste the spices, shouldn’t I be able to taste the pumpkin?

I think that’s my final word on DD’s latest seasonal offer. Nice aroma, looks appealing, enjoyable taste as far as it goes. But if they decide to bring it back next year, I hope they consider upping the pumpkin content, or they might as well just call this “fall blend” instead of “pumpkin coffee.” For those of you who elect to try some, I don’t think you’ll regret buying it. But still — where’s my bacon?!

(Nutrition Facts – N/A. I know strange, right?)

Item: Dunkin’ Donuts Pumpkin Coffee K-Cup Pack
Purchased Price: $11.99
Size: 14 K-Cups
Purchased at: Dunkin’ Donuts
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Fall is basically the best season. Has a nice, rich aroma. Package is one scarecrow away from the perfect autumn image. (Mostly) nutmeg and (some) cinnamon make for a very pleasing aftertaste. Buying your wife the perfect gift. Works out to less than $1 a cup, which is pretty good. Man, if they did pumpkin mocha, how awesome would that be?
Cons: Surprising lack of pumpkin, considering the name. Does flavored coffee really not usually taste like that flavor? That’s stupid. Spices can’t totally mask the fact that deep down, it still tastes like coffee.

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