REVIEW: Hot Pockets Limited Edition Spicy Hawaiian Style Pizza

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Hot Pockets Limited Edition Spicy Hawaiian Style Pizza

Hot Pockets had to eventually make their Limited Edition Spicy Hawaiian Style Pizza because they were running out of normal pizza varieties to stuff into their crust.

Let me go through the list, which, by the way, IS NOT the list of pizzas I’m going to use to pull a prank on a particular person who knows what they did and deserves whatever punishment I give them. So if you happen to have a pizza delivery person at your door who says they have one or two dozen pizzas for either a Jack Ulf or Jack Haas, it wasn’t from me.

There are currently Hot Pockets in the following pizza varieties: supreme, cheese, pepperoni, sausage, and pepperoni and sausage. That pretty much covers the entire basic pizza spectrum, so Hot Pockets had to start going into “specialty pizzas.” Hell, I’m surprised Hot Pockets didn’t do a little Marvel/DC Universe-like crossover action with California Pizza Kitchen frozen products. Hot Pockets California Pizza Kitchen BBQ Chicken Pizza sounds tasty and verbose.

Each Hot Pockets Limited Edition Spicy Hawaiian Style Pizza is stuffed with Canadian-style bacon, pepperoni, pineapple, mozzarella cheese and sauce. There are also tiny chunks of jalapeño peppers which adds a little heat. The crust that envelops all those ingredients looks slightly different than your normal Hot Pocket. There’s appears to be some seasoning baked into it and it’s a lot less pale than a regular Hot Pocket. It looks like a classy Hot Pocket, which I know sounds like a total oxymoron. like jumbo shrimp or fast food salad.

I thought I wouldn’t care for this particular Hot Pocket because of my indifference towards Hawaiian pizza, but just like Katy Perry kissing a girl, I liked it. Although, before I ate the Hot Pockets Limited Edition Spicy Hawaiian Style Pizza I was really hungry, so perhaps I enjoyed it because of hunger pangs, which, if you think about it, are the beer goggles of the digestive system.

Hot Pockets Limited Edition Spicy Hawaiian Style Pizza Innards

If you find Hawaiian pizzas offensive because of its use of pineapples, you’re not going to enjoy this Hot Pocket because every bite has the taste of pineapple. Although it gets that pineapple flavor mostly from pineapple juice because I counted only three small chunks of pineapple in each of the two Hot Pockets I consumed. But its flavor is noticeable and it gives the Hot Pocket a nice sweetness.

While there aren’t a lot of pineapple chunks, there’s a lot of Canadian-style bacon. Sadly, the pepperoni didn’t stand out as much as I hoped, getting lost in between the ham and jalapeño. Speaking of the jalapeño, its mild spiciness and flavor are the reasons why I enjoyed this Hot Pocket more than I thought I would. Its heat is not going to make you instantly reach for a glass of water, but it’s going to make you think you should have one handy.

Overall, if the idea of Hawaiian pizza doesn’t gross you out and the idea of eating a Hot Pocket doesn’t gross you out, then I really suggest you try the Hot Pockets Limited Edition Spicy Hawaiian Style Pizza before they disappear. The combination of sweet pineapple and savory meats with spicy jalapeño peppers makes for a very mouthwatering ménage à trois.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 Hot Pocket – 290 calories, 90 calories from fat, 10 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat*, 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 610 milligrams of sodium, 41 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 6 grams of sugar, 9 grams of protein, and a bunch of vitamin and minerals.)

*Uses partially hydrogenated soybean oil.

Item: Hot Pockets Limited Edition Spicy Hawaiian Style Pizza
Price: $3.89 (on sale)
Size: 2 Hot Pockets
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: A mouthwatering ménage à trois of sweet, savory, and spicy. Lots of Canadian-style bacon. Jalapeño adds a mild spiciness and makes this Hot Pocket better than I thought it would be. A future Hot Pockets/CPK crossover.
Cons: Pineapples might be off-putting for many. The idea of a Hot Pocket might be off-putting for many. Pepperoni wasn’t noticeable. Not a lot of pineapple chunks. It’s a limited edition product. Uses partially hydrogenated oil.

REVIEW: Trident Layers Sweet Cherry + Island Lime Gum

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Trident Layers Sweet Cherry + Island Lime

The first thing that occurred to me when I purchased my trim, little magenta-and-white package of Trident Layers Sweet Cherry and Island Lime sugar free gum is that it sounds like a 70’s-era grindhouse action duo. Sweet Cherry is the prostitute-turned-undercover-inner-city-vice-detective and Island Lime is her hard-hitting, trash-talking, crime-solving Rastafarian partner.

I should invent a secret time machine and become a 70’s Hollywood producer. I’d make millions….. MILLIONS!!! (But maybe not if I forget to adjust for inflation.) The second thing that occurred to me is that it looks like the lime is violently bisecting the cherry on the package. This gum will be rated R.

Trident Layers Sweet Cherry + Island Lime Closeup

The Sweet Cherry and Island Lime gum itself is shaped like a rectangular block. Upon first chew, you immediately taste a strong splash of artificial lime flavor. Not terrible, but a bit too strong. Then the cherry flavor comes in. It’s not as potent as the lime… definitely more understated. The cherry is a subtle low note to the lime’s sparking high note. Though I soon began to wish the lime would shut up.

Like other Trident Layers gum flavors, the taste disappears after only a couple minutes of vigorous chewing. I thought for a second that maybe I was chewing too hard, and then I remembered that this is America, and I will chew my gum as hard and as quickly as I damn well please. Nonetheless, I did attempt to chew another piece more slowly to see if the sweetness would stick around longer, but alas, it wasn’t enough to prolong the fruity sensation. If this were one of those old gum commercials where the blast of flavor was portrayed as a bitchin’ wave, I would’ve bottomed out on the ocean floor and shredded my face on a coral reef in seconds. Totally NOT tubular, dude.

Trident Layers Sweet Cherry + Island Lime Opened

Trident Layers Sweet Cherry and Island Lime gum is all right, but its flavor lacks longevity, and even if it did last longer, I probably wouldn’t like it because the artificial sweetness is too much. The overall flavor profile of cherry mixed with lime is that of a jaunty cocktail minus the alcohol (a mocktail), although I guess you could chew this gum immediately after downing a couple shots of straight vodka and really have yourself a drink. I’d imagine you’re saving that kind of thing for the weekend. Or for when Sweet Cherry and Island Lime’s Badasssssss Fruit Splash Song premieres in a theater near you, back in 1974. But perhaps I’ve said too much.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 stick – 5 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 2 grams of carbohydrates, and 0 grams of sugar.)

Item: Trident Layers Sweet Cherry + Island Lime Gum
Price: $0.99
Size: 14 pieces per pack
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: High notes of lime flavor accompany low notes of cherry very well. Exploitation cinema. Chewing your gum American-style. Mimics the flavor of jaunty, fruit-flavored mocktails. Time machines.
Cons: Artificial sweetness is overpowering. Flavor doesn’t last long. Mocktails. Wipe out, dude. Forgetting to adjust for inflation.

REVIEW: Domino’s Artisan Pizza (Spinach & Feta and Italian Sausage & Pepper Trio)

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Domino's Spinach & Feta Artisan Pizza

When I signed up to review Domino’s new Artisan Pizzas, I immediately began thinking of disparaging comments to make about their choosing to use the word artisan. “Domino’s employees are to artisans,” I imagined myself writing, “as the Noid is to a relevant cultural icon.” That’s not even the cleverest or pithiest analogy I had lined up, if you can believe that’s even possible.

I was so ready to do the whole snarky-blogger thing, but Domino’s has preempted any snark by actually embedding it into their ad campaign. The text on their new pizza boxes starts with, “We’re not artisans, we don’t wear black berets,” and their new TV ad vilifies some vaguely French chef who’s acting like a prima donna. By acknowledging the images associated with artisans and wink-winking at the ridiculousness of their artisanal aspirations, the folks at Domino’s have managed to take all the fun out of making fun of them. (Although it’s great we can all still make fun of the French – what is with those berets, amirite?)

While they could get out in front of my snarkiness, I knew they couldn’t stop me from criticizing their crappy pizzas, and I was intent on writing a blistering review. There was only one problem: these pizzas were actually pretty good.

Each pizza was rectangular and cut into eighths, with all the toppings reasonably well-distributed across the slices. Both pizzas had crusts that were thinner and crispier than usual Domino’s fare but still structurally sound enough to support the toppings.

The Spinach & Feta pizza had alfredo sauce, feta and parmesan-asiago cheeses, fresh baby spinach, and onions. I was pleasantly surprised to find that there was a significant amount of feta, as its sharp tanginess was the primary flavor of the pizza. In some places the cheese was spread almost from edge-to-edge, leaving the crusts quite tasty, as well. The spinach and onions were noticeable in their contributions to the texture of the pizza, but I wish there had been more of each topping, as both were mostly overwhelmed by the feta.

Domino's Italian Sausage & Pepper Trio Artisan Pizza

The Italian Sausage & Pepper Trio had parmesan-asiago cheese, sliced Italian sausage, and red, green, and banana peppers. The sausage was nothing special; it had some sweetness but wasn’t particularly spicy. I imagine it was the same as can be found on any other Domino’s pizzas, but serving it in thicker slices rather than the usual crumbles seemed to hold in the flavor better. The green and red peppers added some mild crunch, but they were completely upstaged by the banana peppers. The banana peppers were the clear-cut stars of the Pepper Trio, much like Beyonce to Destiny’s Child or Joe to the Jonas Brothers or somebody else that would make you look less poorly upon my musical tastes. I had never ordered a pizza with banana peppers before, but their strong vinegary, spicy presence on the Italian Sausage & Pepper Trio has convinced me to add banana peppers to the toppings rotation from now on. A generous dusting of oregano rounded out a pretty well-made pizza.

Domino's Artisan Pizza Slices

As far as other complaints go, the pizza was relatively pricey and fairly small compared to their regular offerings (they measure in at 13″ x 9″, so roughly the size of one of their medium pizzas for the price of a large). Still, I give these pizzas a thumbs-up, and they’re certainly better than Domino’s re-launched pizzas from last year. Domino’s, you guys are running some annoyingly self-aware ad campaigns, but as long as you keep up the tastiness of these Artisan Pizzas and the Francophobia in your commercials, I will make sure to keep my blogger snark in check.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/6th of a pizza – Spinach & Feta – 150 calories, 7 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 250 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 1 gram of sugar, and 6 grams of protein. Italian Sausage & Pepper Trio – 160 calories, 7 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 330 milligrams of sodium, 18 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, and 7 grams of protein.)

Other Domino’s Artisan Pizza reviews:
Grub Grade

Item: Domino’s Artisan Pizza (Spinach & Feta and Italian Sausage & Pepper Trio)
Price: $7.99
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Domino’s
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Spinach & Feta)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Italian Sausage & Pepper Trio)
Pros: Crust was thinner and crispier than regular Domino’s pizzas. Spinach & Feta had significant amount of feta cheese spread from crust-to-crust. Italian Sausage & Pepper Trio had delicious banana peppers and thickly-sliced sausage. Vilifying French people. Referencing the Noid. Beyonce’s having a baby!
Cons: Not enough spinach and onion to stand out against the feta. Green and red peppers were kind of useless. Pizzas were a bit expensive for the size. Domino’s pre-empting my snark. Spellcheck not recognizing snark as a word.

REVIEW: Wheat Thins Smoky BBQ

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Wheat Thins Smoky BBQ

Man, I love bourbon. That slow burn that creeps down your throat, when it’s so acrid you can taste the Southern anger. Mmmmmmmm! Dessert is a maraschino cherry topped in a Manhattan and breakfast is black coffee with two fingers of Maker’s. My liver says otherwise, but there is nothing like sitting in a chaise lounge with your striped pajamas on, The Weather Channel’s Storm Stories on the flatscreen and a rocks glass with some heat. I keep hoping to see Jim Cantore shoot up like that cow did in Twister.

And always accompanying my vice is that recognizable yellow box of Wheat Thins. For as long as I can remember, Wheat Thins slathered with supermarket onion dip or a gummy block of cheap Monterey Jack cheese has always been my drunk eats. Bourbon and Wheat Thins are like peanut butter and jelly to me. I love my bourbon and I love my Wheat Thins. Making me decide between either is like asking who would I choose, saving my wife or my collection of Morrissey albums from Ragnarock (neither, I would choose my bourbon).

One note, if you hate Wheat Thins…you can stop reading. This product will not change your mind. And if you hate Wheat Thins, you need to do a self-evaluation since there are more important things to hate than a snack.

I was very surprised when I walked in from the awful day of work and noticed a box of Wheat Thins Smoky BBQ crackers on the counter that my wife bought me. Now I have never been a big fan of the flavored Wheat Thins because I have a rule, why mess with perfection unless it includes a hand shandy? Looking at the box, coupled with my recent behavior of “drinking too much” (as if there is such a thing), I knew I was not getting either.

Defeated, I grabbed the box and sighed. I was leery of them because it seems like every snack has some version of BBQ flavor. So I took off my jacket and tossed it on my stained ottoman. Loosening my collar and tie, I folded my sleeves 50’s dad style and walked over to my wet bar. I grabbed a glass and poured a couple of shots of hello dolly.

After a swallow or two or five, I returned to the box and decided to give them a chance. The box promises a whole 10 grams of whole grain per serving which is fine and dandy, but I was more interested in the taste.

Wheat Thins Smoky BBQ Closeup

The crackers had that recognizable square shape and a very faint orange-red shade versus the mustardy brown color of Wheat Thins. They smelled like the normal ones, toasted grains and wheat.

Wow! The sweetness was a wonderful contrast to the subtle smoke (as the ingredients list natural smoke flavoring). The smokiness was a punch of garlic and onion. The sweet taste was definitely from the tomato powder used and let me tell you, it was “sucking on a ketchup packet” good. I know you readers out there suck on ketchup packets when no one is looking. It is okay, I won’t tell anyone. As long as you ignore that everyone’s hands have probably molested the hell out of those things, you’re in for a good time normally.

Anyhow getting back to the Wheat Thins, the sweet flavor is not candy sweet nor is it a heavy syrupy sweet. It may not appeal to everyone, but I loved it. I can’t think of anything close to the flavor because while it is similar to other barbecue chips, it has its own character. The Smoky BBQ deserves a try at the very least.

I thought these were damn-o-riffic! The barbecue flavor wasn’t that fakey sugary musk that cheap BBQ potato chips have. I also wouldn’t say it was savory like umami (what an overused term that I now have partaken in) but the taste was close to that sweet and savory thing we all love. It’s similar to Kansas City style barbecue, heavy on the tomato paste and sweeter than other barbecue sauces. After eating more than I should, the flavor was never tiring. Now make sure you have something to drink, the crackers can get a bit salty if you eat too many.

Snacking on these alone are perfect enough but if you want to change it up a bit, an aged white cheddar or some other mild tasting milky cheese would absolutely work. I think brie or even a tub of cream cheese would be a fine accompaniment which would mellow some of the BBQ flavor. A box of Silk Cut ciggies would do the same, but smoking and eating at the same time is gross.

I ate so many that half a box was left after I went to town on them and didn’t care how awful I looked with my joe boxers (those smiley face ones), black socks and a stained white T-shirt.

I have to admit, Wheat Thins BBQ Thins don’t mix well with bourbon but I doubt many of you will be drinking that while eating them. I went ahead and brushed the crumbs off my shirt and onto my lap. I drained my glass after I was rebuffed by the wife again and took comfort knowing that I could place my paws all over the Wheat Thins Smoky BBQ. Yum Yum Yum.

(Nutritional Facts — 14 crackers — 140 calories, 5 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 3 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 180 milligrams of sodium, 65 milligrams of potassium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 4 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.)

Item: Wheat Thins Smoky BBQ
Price: $3.99
Size: 9.5 ounces
Purchased: Publix
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Unique and great addictive barbecue taste. You will not get tired of the flavor. Morrissey. That scene when the cow shoots up rocket style in Twister, man I still laugh pretty hard. The barbecue taste is not fake tasting. Pink Floyd’s Ummagumma.
Cons: It may be a bit too sweet for other people’s taste. If you dislike Wheat Thins, do not bother. Can be a bit salty. Helen Hunt’s forehead, it’s so big I can scrawl another face on it. Jim Cantore’s delivery. The word Umami.

REVIEW: Ritz Crackers (Garlic Butter and Honey Wheat)

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Ritz Crackers (Garlic Butter and Honey Wheat)

Through my experiences, I’ve learned if you’re at a party that’s serving Ritz crackers as hors d’oeuvres, you should walk out as soon as possible. Because it’s probably going to be either a party filled with people spitting crumbs while they talk about things that bore you or you’re about to watch a timeshare presentation.

Let’s face it. Ritz Crackers have never lived up to their name. If you live in a wealthy, gated community and you offer Ritz Crackers to your haughty guests, you will probably be punished by the neighborhood association and banned for life from any ritzy activities, like dinner parties, hunting endangered species, orgies, or whatever rich people in gated communities do for fun. They’re a step above saltines and oyster crackers, but many steps below any cracker found next to the Stinking Bishop and Neufchâtel cheeses.

Not even serving the new Ritz Cracker varieties — Garlic Butter and Honey Wheat — could prevent rich folks from getting banned from their neighborhood polo match or losing their opportunity to be a part of a human hunting expedition on a private island in the Bahamas.

Honey Wheat Ritz Crackers appear to be “healthy” because it has the word “wheat” in its name and each cracker provides one gram of whole grain, which allows eaters to physically count the number of whole grain they’re consuming. So if you want to get the daily recommended 48 grams of whole grain by eating nothing but Honey Wheat Ritz Crackers, you’ll have to eat one and a half of the four sleeves in the Ritz box.

Or, if eating 48 crackers in one sitting isn’t your thing, you could also eat six bowls of Lucky Charms.

The Honey Wheat Ritz Crackers have a decent sweet and salty flavor, but I thought the honey flavor could’ve been amped up a little. Its sweetness is light enough that I don’t think a bee would touch it with a 10-foot stinger. I think it tastes like another Nabisco cracker, but because they produce enough cracker varieties to dry my mouth if I were to either eat them all one after another or say their names one after another, I’m not sure which one it is. Also, the whole grain is a little noticeable in the cracker’s flavor and texture.

I think the Garlic Butter Ritz Crackers taste slightly better than the Honey Wheat. Although, at times, the cracker’s garlic flavor confused my tongue into thinking I was eating something slightly burnt. But then again, maybe me tasting something burnt could just be a symptom of a rare medical condition.

Or maybe I watch too much House, M.D..

The pleasant garlic flavor is mild and does linger in your mouth after eating them, so I’d recommend having a mint or piece of gum afterwards.

Or stop being a mouthbreather.

(Nutrition Facts – 5 crackers – Garlic Butter – 80 calories, 4 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat*, 2 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 110 milligrams of sodium, 10 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 1 gram of sugar, and less than 1 gram of protein. Honey Wheat – 80 calories, 4 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat*, 2 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 0.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 110 milligrams of sodium, 10 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, and 1 gram of protein.)

*Uses partially hydrogenated cottonseed oil

Item: Ritz Crackers (Garlic Butter and Honey Wheat)
Price: $3.00 each (on sale)
Size: 15.1 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Garlic Butter)
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Honey Wheat)
Pros: Garlic Butter has a pleasant garlic flavor. Honey Wheat has a decent sweet and salty flavor. Honey Wheat provides 1 gram of whole grain in each cracker. Funny cheese names.
Cons: Uses partially hydrogenated oil. Honey flavor could’ve been amped up a little. Self-diagnosing yourself. Can’t stare at Dr. Cuddy’s cleavage on House anymore. Gated communities.

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