You’ve tried the best, you’ve probably tried the rest, now it’s time to try the zest.

How do you like your Ranch? Homestyle maybe? Cool perhaps? Me? I like it zesty!

Some of my favorite things are zesty – oranges, sizzling fajitas, Knicks big-man Karl Anthony Towns – and just like a KAT I love me some fishes. Gold-fishes to be exact.

That’s why I was so intrigued by these new Zesty Ranch Goldfish. I’ve never had Ranch-flavored Goldfish. I assumed this was a completely new flavor profile, but then the untrustworthy Google told me Pepperidge Farm also sells “Flavor Blasted Racing Ranch,” so maybe not?

*shrug* Either way, a Ranch-flavored Goldfish is new to me. Gotta be good, right?

Can they possibly be, “Zesty. Creamy. Yee-Haw!” as the bag boasts?

Yee-naw! I’m just gonna cut to the chase, no chumming the waters, no baiting the hook, no idea how to fish, so no clue what I’m talking about, these are simply ok.

The initial taste leans a little too sour for me. I’d check the “best by” date if this was a bottle of Ranch dressing, but to be fair, it mellows out pretty quickly.

They’re very salty for a non-Flavor Blasted Goldfish, but it’s tolerable because it works well to counter the aforementioned strong sour ranch. That said, that overall flavor is fleeting. The bland cracker takes over mid-chew, and they just kinda taste like saltines.

I don’t know if that bums me out or not, because while I want more flavor, I don’t particularly think the Ranch is all that appetizing here. It doesn’t stack up to other Ranch snacks, with Cool Ranch Doritos obviously being the gold standard.

The flavor is almost great, but never quite gets to where I wanted it to go. They remind me of a few of my favorite crackers of all time – Chicken in a Biscuit and the, as far as I know, long-discontinued Nabisco Vegetable Thins. If those still exist, please let me know, because I used to crush them as a kid.

The flavor is slightly reminiscent of Lipton Chicken Noodle Soup powder once you get beyond the quick sour Ranch kick. That would be fine, but as I said, the cracker is very dry and salty, so the flavor evolves three times per munch. These are like the Gobstopper of Goldfish.

I’ve had worse, but I still wish I had the memory of a Goldfish so I could forget about these.

Zesty Ranch ranks in the lower to mid-tier of the Goldfish scale (pun!), but there is a way to gussy them up, or guppy them up if you will. You won’t. I mixed these into a bowl of Xtra Cheddar and Pretzel Mix Goldfish, and I liked those fishes because they were so delicious.

That’s my recommendation. Wait until your supermarket has a 3-for-Whatever sale on Goldfish (probably $15 these days, am I right?!) and mix Zesty Ranch with other flavors, because I think they work better as a school. I also think these would probably be an excellent cracker to drop into some soup. Keep that in mind when you’re snowed in this winter.

Let’s go Knicks!

Fin.

Purchased Price: $3.69
Size: 6.6 oz.
Purchased at: Stop and Shop
Rating: 5 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (52 pieces) 140 calories, 6 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 320 milligrams of sodium, 19 grams of total carbohydrates, 0 grams of total sugars, less than 1 gram of dietary fiber, and 3 grams of protein.