June Prize Drawing!!!

Holy crap! It’s that time of the month again!

It’s time for this month’s prize drawing, which is when The Impulsive Buy could possibly make your dreams come true, if your dream is to win a very cheap household or food product from some quasi-product review blog, which has a editor that can’t stop stroking his freshly Veet-ed legs.

Anyway, this month, three lucky Impulsive Buy readers will each receive ONE brand new bottle of Poop Water!

To enter this month’s prize drawing, just leave a comment for THIS post with the words “Plop, plop, fizz, fizz” in it and whatever else you would like to say.

Or, if you think I’m a greedy comment whore, you can also enter by sending me an email with the phrase “Plop, plop, fizz, fizz” in the subject field.

If you leave a comment, you must fill out the email field, because I’ll be emailing the winners for their mailing addresses. Don’t worry about the shipping, I’ll take care of it.

The Impulsive Buy will start accepting entries for the drawing on Tuesday, June 14, 2005 and stop accepting entries on Sunday, June 19, 2005. Only one entry allowed per person. The drawing is ONLY open to those in the United States, US Military APOs, and Canada. (Sorry to the rest of the world.)

To determine the winners, I will write the email of each person who enters on a sheet of two-ply toilet paper and then…Um…

Nope, can’t do that, too sloppy.

Um…Can’t do that either, too smelly.

Oh well, I’ll figure it out later. All I know is that determining the winner will involve my toilet, and maybe a plunger.

Good luck!

Fine Print: The Impulsive Buy promises your email address will not be used to send you spam about how you’re entitled to someone’s money in a foreign country you’ve never heard of. The Impulsive Buy also promise your mailing address will not be used to send you America Online CDs that offer you 1000 free hours. Bribes will not be accepted. The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible for lost mail or the stupidity of any parents who allow their children to stay over at the Neverland Ranch.

Veet Aloe Vera Rasera Bladeless Kit

Veet Aloe Vera Rasera Bladeless Kit

A few female readers requested that we do a few women’s products, particularly the Veet Rasera, which is a hair removal cream that comes with a plastic squeegee to help remove the hair.

Seeing that I didn’t have the proper equipment for tampons or the estrogen and ovaries for the Ortho Evra birth control patch, I decided to review the Veet Rasera.

Now I have hairy legs, which keep me warm at night, adds several seconds to my 200 meter breaststroke time, and makes my legs more humpable for dogs.

I had second thoughts about removing the hair on my legs because I have a lot of scars on them from my BMX bike jumping days.

Then I remembered a wise man once said, “Pain heals, chicks dig scars, glory lasts forever,” and I decided to show off my scars.

Then I remembered it wasn’t a wise man, it was what Keanu Reeves said in the movie “The Replacements.”

Anyway, armed with the Veet Rasera, I walked into my bathroom and began the difficult task of mowing down the veritable forests on my legs.

The Veet has an obvious chemical smell, but it does smell better than the Nair products I smelled at the store. However, neither product tastes as good as or has a better name than the hair removal product, Nads.

When I applied the Veet to my legs and let it sit for three minutes, I didn’t feel any burning. However, later when I applied it to my chest, it stung pretty badly and left my chest red and irritated for the rest of the day.

After the three minutes were up, I used the Rasera Bladeless Tool (ie squeegee), to remove the hair from my legs. Overall, it got rid of the hair pretty well, although there were areas on my legs that still had hair. However, having patches of hair on my legs might’ve had to do with the fact that I’ve never shaved my legs before and I can’t see the back of my legs very well.

Veet Aloe Vera Rasera Bladeless Kit Results

Too bad I’m not possessed, because as we all learned from Linda Blair, possessed people are able to turn their heads around 360 degrees. Oh yeah, and R2D2 too.

So I had hairless legs, but I think my skin was numb because I couldn’t feel the air coming out from my Vornado fan.

Anyway, having hairless legs made me feel more aerodynamic. It made me want to put a band aid on my legs and rip it off to know what it feels like to not have the band aid rip out a few legs hair. It allowed me to close my eyes, stroke my legs, and a pretend I was with a woman.

It also made me cold.

Without the insulation of my hairy legs, I believe my body dropped slightly in temperature, which caused me to get sick last week.

DAMN YOU, VEET! DAMN YOU!

But alas, just like most of Jennifer Lopez’s romantic relationships, I knew it couldn’t last forever. After one day, I could start to feel stubble on my legs. However, hair anywhere on my body grows back very quickly, so your mileage will probably vary.

Item: Veet Aloe Vera Rasera Bladeless Kit
Purchase Price: $9.89
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Rasera Bladeless Tool (ie squeegee). Not as smelly as Nair products. Did a good job of removing hair. Stroking my smooth legs.
Cons: Skin numbness. May irritate skin. Got sick due to losing the insulation from hairy legs. Not as tasty as Nads.

Honey Graham Life Cereal

Honey Graham Life Cereal

(Editor’s Note: I’d like to thank all of those who sent me well wishes these past couple of days. I’m feeling better thanks to lots of orange juice, Airborne Effervescent, green tea, generic NyQuil, water, quality time with my bed, and apologies to Dr. Phil.)

A few weeks ago Impulsive Buy reader Editrix told me about Honey Graham Life Cereal, which she learned about from the ad in the back of a Cinnamon Life Cereal box. According to Editrix, the box said Honey Graham Life is, “the newest and most surprising Life cereal yet!”

Being someone who likes surprises, except the surprise of finding out the female prostitute I hired has both sexual organs, I had to find out what was so surprising about Honey Graham Life Cereal.

After eating the entire box, I have found there are three things that are surprising about it.

What’s the first thing that’s surprising about Honey Graham Life Cereal?

Mikey likes it, and he doesn’t like anything. However, if you think about and look at the other things Mikey likes, him liking Life Cereal isn’t so surprising.

For example, Mikey’s favorite board game is The Game of Life. His favorite soap opera is One Life To Live. His favorite TV show of all time is The Facts of Life. He also likes reading Life Magazine. Finally, young Mikey also likes to chug down a 40-ounce of Miller High Life Beer.

What’s the second thing that’s surprising about Honey Graham Life Cereal?

Despite looking almost exactly alike, it turns out that Life Cereal and Chex Cereal are in no way related.

Although I have my suspicions that Mr. Quaker and General Mills had the same cereal concubine and had several milky wet threesomes with each other, which probably led to the births of Life Cereal and Chex Cereal.

What’s the third thing that’s surprising about Honey Graham Life Cereal?

Honey Graham Life Cereal didn’t taste like honey or graham. Instead it tasted like some kind of sweet vegetable, although I can’t point out which one.

However, that sweet vegetable taste was surprisingly decent, but still too weird for me to consider buying another box of Honey Graham Life Cereal.


Item: Honey Graham Life Cereal
Purchase Price: $5.99
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Pros: Big box (21 ounces). Made with whole grain for my fat ass. Low-fat. Vitamins and minerals. Mikey likes it.
Cons: Weird sweet vegetable taste. Gets soggy quick. Life and Chex are not related (or are they?).

The Oprah Magazine (June 2005 Issue)

Oprah Magazine

While in high school and college, I tried to learn about the opposite sex by reading my twin sister’s Seventeen, Cosmopolitan, and Marie Claire magazines.

I even took those silly quizzes. However, now that I think about it, all I’ve learned from those quizzes were; I’m a bitch and a skanky ho.

Despite reading women’s magazines, I still wasn’t very good at impressing women in high school and college. However, looking back, the permed hair I had during those years might’ve been the reason why I wasn’t successful with women.

Recently, I picked up the June 2005 issue of The Oprah Magazine, or “O” for short, because there was an interview with Jon Stewart in it and I didn’t like the quizzes offered in the other women’s magazines.

Do I really need to know how much of a flirt I am? Or, do I need to know if my man is cheating on me? I don’t think so.

Anyway, the issue I picked up is apparently the “men’s issue,” with a lot of articles about men. However, I found out that it’s strong enough for a man, but with the tampon ads, made for woman.

After reading the magazine, I didn’t learn much about the opposite sex, but I did see some nice things to buy for a girlfriend, if I had one, and I also have a newly-discovered jealousy of women’s magazines.

I’m jealous because there are frickin’ coupons in the magazine. There’s a 3 Musketeers coupon, an All laundry detergent coupon, and TWO coupons for the McDonald’s Fruit & Walnut Salad.

All we’ve got in men’s magazines are women in bikinis and lingerie, sports cars, and cool gadgets. Those are all great things, but why can’t we get some coupons too? I would totally dig some Burger King coupons or lap dance coupons.

Another cool thing about The Oprah Magazine is Oprah.

For a 51-year old woman, she is looking so fine. If Stedman wasn’t in her life, I’d be totally trying to mack with her.

You might think I’d only mack with her because she’s got a lot of money, but no, that wouldn’t be the case. I’d do it because I think she’s hot and maybe together we could have my wildest dream on her Wildest Dreams Bus.

Despite the interview with Jon Stewart, the coupons, and hot pictures of Oprah, there were a few things that bothered me about the magazine: The pictures of Dr. Phil.

Dr. Phil is a scary-looking and scary-sounding man. Just the sight of him makes my Oprah boner turn flaccid.


Item: The Oprah Magazine (June 2005 Issue)
Purchase Price: $3.95
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Frickin’ coupons! Oprah. Jon Stewart interview.
Cons: Dr. Phil is scary (and insane).