Lo-Carb Monster Energy Drink

Marvo 7 Comments

Lo-Carb Monster Energy Drink

I’m trying to imagine what my college life would have been like without Jolt Cola and it’s nearly illegal amounts of caffeine. I probably would have ended up with straight F’s instead of straight C’s.

Without the sleep prevention properties of the caffeine, sugar, and carbs in Jolt Cola, I wouldn’t have made it through those all-night studying sessions and all the times I needed write a 20-page essay the morning it was due.

I liked Jolt Cola so much that I made it the topic of a speech I had to do in my Speech 251 class. Actually, I picked it as a topic because I couldn’t think of a topic the night before I had to give the speech.

Right now I wish I had some Jolt Cola, so I can get the energy to finish this review, but the national convenience store chain down the street doesn’t carry it. Instead, I’m stuck with this Lo-Carb Monster Energy Drink. It was the only energy drink available at the convenience store. Everything else was sold out, including all the Mountain Dew.

I guess it must be midterm time for the college kids in the neighborhood.

After drinking it and reading the can, it turns out that Lo-Carb Monster Energy Drink not only has almost no carbs, it also has almost no sugar, which I have learned are the two building blocks of forced sleep deprivation. Fortunately, it contained the third building block, caffeine. However, I don’t know if it’s effective without mixing it with significant amounts of carbs and sugar.

Damn, I’m tired.

Maybe it just takes awhile to kick in.

Maybe I should’ve consumed it intravenously.

Oh, I wonder if there’s anything in The Impulsive Buy refrigerator I could drink to keep me up.

Hmm…

Mixed Berry 7-Up Plus? Let’s see, no caffeine, two grams of carbs, one gram of sugar, and it’s fricken’ pink.

Yeah, right.

The only way Mixed Berry 7-Up Plus is going to keep me awake is if I contantly hit myself in the head with the bottle.

Hey look! I actually finished the review. Looks like it worked after all.

Item: Lo-Carb Monster Energy Drink
Purchase Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Big can. Decent tasting.
Cons: Not enough carbs and sugar. I miss Jolt Cola.

Stephen Lynch-Live at the El Rey DVD

Marvo 5 Comments

Live at the El Rey

I’m a really big fan of comedian-singer Stephen Lynch. I’ve been a fan ever since I saw his Comedy Central special.

Lynch is known for his well-crafted songs, which will make you laugh, and sometimes they’ll also make you wince and grimace.

If you don’t like songs about superheroes, best friends, Dungeons & Dragons, the Special Olympics, foreign taxi drivers, killing kittens, ulgy newborn babies, or priests who REALLY like altar boys, Stephen Lynch may not be for you.

Recently, he released a live performance DVD called, Live at the El Rey and it’s much better than the Comedy Central special. It’s better because unlike basic cable television, with DVDs there are no FCC regulations.

As inmate #55170-054 in West Virginia would say, “It’s a good thing.”

Besides his live performance, the DVD also contains the mandatory bonus material, which consists of more performances in other comedy clubs, skits, and a video tour diary. One of the great things about the DVD is the abundance of previously unreleased material. There are six songs on the DVD that weren’t released on Lynch’s two albums, A Little Bit Special and Superhero.

Now comedians like Lynch, Adam Sandler, and Jimmy Fallon, inspired me at one point in my life to become a singing comedian. Unfortunately, there were some slight problems with that idea. (1) I don’t own a guitar. (2) I don’t know how to play guitar. (3) I have a tremendous fear of speaking in front of people. (4) Whenever I attempt to sing, my voice cracks like I’m going through puberty again.

However, before I realized that I didn’t have a musically inclined bone in my body, I actually ended up writing a song. Below was my attempt at comedic stardom.

Beer Goggles


I see a beautiful girl from across the bar.
I feel compelled to find out who you are.
I’m nervous, afraid, and not of your league.
Could you be the woman of my dreams?

I slide across the room to get a closer view.
It took awhile because I had more than a few.
I sit so close that I could smell her perfume,
She’s got to be the hottest babe in the room.

What’s your name? What’s your sign?
Or shall I just use some lame pickup line.
But when you turn around and look my way,
I try hard to keep in the feelings I want convey.

I thought I would be your Romeo, and you’d be my Juliet.
My beer goggles hid from me a face I’d like to forget.
You were good from a far, but far from good,
My beer goggles made me think you could,
Be the one I’ve been searching for all my life,
But your breath doesn’t smell quite right.

Your fake eyelashes look like Venus Fly Traps,
Is that hair coming out from between your rack?
Your three nipples are pointing in different directions.
Are you scratching because of STDs or yeast infections?

Your mole made you look like Cindy Crawford I guess,
But now you look like the Wicked Witch of the West.
I didn’t notice the mustache you have until now,
But I guess it really goes well with your unibrow.

Is that a gap or are you missing your front teeth?
Why does it suddenly smell like sweaty feet?
Is your wooden leg the reason for your crutch?
Why did that guy just ask you how much?

I thought I would be your knight in shining armor,
But you looked much, much better when you were farther.
You were good from a far, but far from good,
My beer goggles made me think you could,
Be the one I’ve been searching for all my life,
But I don’t have $50 to take you home tonight.

You’ve been a wonderful audience. Thank you and good night!

Item: Stephen Lynch-Live at the El Rey DVD
Purchase Price: $10.49 (Amazon)
Rating: 5 out of 5
Pros: Really funny. Many unreleased songs.
Cons: Never became a singing comedian, which maybe a good thing. If you are easily offended, this is not for you.

Just a Geek by Wil Wheaton

Marvo 4 Comments

Just A Geek

Throughout my teen years, the “popular” and “cool” kids called me various names. These included: nerd, dork, dweeb, lame ass, weirdo, doofus, and freak. But the one name I didn’t mind being called was “geek,” because it sounded less harmless than the others.

Today I still consider myself a geek and I’m proud to be one. So to all those “popular” and “cool” kids, all I want the say is: Look at me now, beeyatch!

I’m the editor of a kind-of-popular not-so-popular quasi-review blog. What do you got?

Great kids, a loving wife, a low mortgage, a steady paycheck, and regular nights of sex?

That’s all?

Tell me, who’s the lame ass doofus now?

(tear)

Sometimes it’s hard being a geek, so I was excited when Amazon.com recommend Just A Geek by Wil Wheaton. In case you don’t know or don’t remember, Wil was Wesley Crusher on Star Trek: The Next Generation and also starred in the movie Stand By Me.

I instantly bought the book hoping that it would be about becoming a better geek and how to cope with being a geek. I was also hoping there would be a section of “You might be a geek…” jokes, like these:

You might be a geek, if your wedding was performed by an ordained Vulcan or Klingon.

You might be a geek, if your kids’ names are Fortran and Pascal.

You might be a geek, if you find pleasure in bringing down a website by Slashdotting it.

Unfortunately, I didn’t read the product description before buying, so I was surprised when it didn’t contain any of the above.

Despite not having chapters devoted to such things as the snacks you should have for a successful Dungeons & Dragons gathering, Just A Geek was a great read. Wil gives you a look into his personal life and his difficult journey to find himself.

This book was so entertaining that it was the first book in a long time I did not want to put down.

The last book I did not want to put down?

Green Eggs and Ham.

Although I did not want to put that book down because I was trying to beat the class record for spinning a book on a finger.

From reading Just A Geek, you find out that despite being a great actor and a wonderful writer, Wil is just a normal guy with basically the same problems we have all faced at one time or another, except we probably don’t have the shame of being on the cover of Teen Beat magazine.

Just A Geek is a funny, smart, and honest book that I would highly recommend.

Although I REALLY wish there were “You might be a geek…” jokes.

Item: Just A Geek by Wil Wheaton
Purchase Price: $14.95 (Amazon.com)
Rating: 5 out of 5
Pros: A fun and quick read. Wheaton is a talented, funny, and creative writer.
Cons: Not a guide to becoming a better geek. No “You might be a geek…” jokes.

Airborne Effervescent (Orange Flavored)

Marvo 7 Comments

Airborne Effervescent

It all started last week when I woke up with a bad sore throat. According to my body, a bad sore throat guarantees a cold. I don’t know how I got the sore throat, but it could’ve been the extremely late night karaoke or the make out session with my pillow.

When the Impulsive Buy staff gets a hint of someone in the pre-stages of a cold, everyone suddenly becomes Howard Hughes. They put on surgical facemasks, break out Costco-sized bottles of waterless hand sanitizer, start opening doors with paper towels, and play the movie Outbreak starring Dustin Hoffman over and over again, just to give that someone a subtle hint that he or she and his or her germs are not welcome.

Because of this, I was forced to find a solution to prevent the sore throat from becoming a full-blown cold. Usually, tackling this problem would include almost illegal amounts of NyQuil (or its generic counterpart), but due to my love of operating heavy machinery, that was no longer an option.

Marvin, a sporadic habitual Impulsive Buy reader and my self-proclaimed gay evil twin, was the one who suggested I use Airborne Effervescent. However, because he’s evil, I thought he was making up the existence of Airborne. But the next day at the checkout stand, which happens to be right next to the pharmacy, I saw a few dozen boxes of it. So I picked up a box.

At a slightly expensive $7.69 a box, Airborne better prevent me from getting sick, get rid of bad breath, and also give me the confidence I need when I’m around women.

The instructions for Airborne sound simple. When you get the first sign of a cold symptom, plop an effervescent tablet into a small glass of water, let it dissolve (which takes one to two minutes), and then drink it. However, the drinking part wasn’t simple.

There were two things that scared me about drinking Airborne: (1) The Airborne flavor I bought was orange, but the color of the liquid was not orange, instead it was green (see picture above). (2) I was drinking something that was bubbling like a witch’s potion.

Despite these issues, for five days straight I drank the not-bad-tasting Airborne and my pre-cold never materialized into a full-blown cold.

I could say it was just the Airborne, but I don’t want my self-proclaimed gay evil twin to gloat about how he knows everything. Plus, I think that the 10 hours of sleep I got each night and the 5 gallons of orange juice I drank probably helped.

Item: Airborne Effervescent (Orange Flavored)
Purchase Price: $7.69
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: I think it worked. It was fun watching tablets dissolve. Can finally eject Outbreak DVD.
Cons: Orange flavor should be orange, not green. Looks like a witch’s potion. Slightly expensive.

Shasta Tiki Punch

Marvo 9 Comments

Shasta Tiki Punch

Some people in this world have called me a “cheap bastard.” These people include: women I’ve dated, panhandlers outside of my local convenience store, family members on Christmas Day, and Girl Scouts selling cookies.

However, I like to think of myself as “very financially responsible.”

Sure, I try to find ways here and there to save money and I haggle with Girl Scouts, but that doesn’t make me cheap, it makes me smart. Think about it. If you saved a penny every day for a year, you would have $3.64.

Now you’re probably asking yourself, “What the hell can I get for just $3.64?”

Well you can get the refreshing goodness of FOUR Shasta Tiki Punches, the focus of our review today.

Now when I say FOUR Shasta Tiki Punches, I’m not talking about some tiny 12-ounce can. Nor am I talking about some wimpy 20-ounce bottle. I’m talking about a 24-ounce grande bottle, baby! Twenty-four ounces of sugary and carbonated goodness for, get this, just 89 cents.

It’s not a sale price. I didn’t get an employee discount. I didn’t buy it out of the trunk of some shady guy’s car. It’s the frickin’ regular price!

What does Tiki Punch taste like? It’s like a mixture of lemon-lime soda and fruit punch, and it is mighty damn good. There are other flavors in the Shasta family that are in stock at my local convenience store, like cola and orange, but the Tiki Punch stands out.

Hmmm, if only the panhandlers that hang out at my local convenience store would just drink Tiki Punch instead of whatever alcohol they have hidden in their brown paper bags. The loose change they bother and harass people for would surely last a lot longer.

Then again, the sugar in the Tiki Punch would probably rot their teeth, because I don’t think they practice any form of oral hygiene.

But now that I think about it, with the money they’re saving by buying the Tiki Punch, they could probably afford toothpaste and a toothbrush.

Although the Tiki Punch is cheap, it might confuse you when I say the only problem with it is the fact that it is so cheap.

Let me explain.

At the same convenience store I bought the 24-ounce, 89-cent Shasta Tiki Punch from, a 20-ounce bottled water costs 99 cents. The Tiki Punch is sooo cheap, that it’s cheaper than water.

There’s something slightly unsettling about that.

Item: Shasta Tiki Punch
Purchase Price: $0.89
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Damn cheap. No need to haggle with convenience store workers. 24 ounces. A better option for panhandlers.
Cons: Cheaper than bottled water.